NIGHT WATCH

"So, have you and Casey straightened things out?" Boden's voice is calm, but his eyes are sharp and hard.
It's Kelly's first shift back after being away for six weeks, though he's not yet back with 1st first. He'd began his morning telling Boden of what he'd experienced while away, concluding with coming back early and seeing Matt. Kelly contemplates now how to answer best. Boden is like a father figure to him, and to Casey, he doesn't want to lie to him or downplay their relationship. They're going to need support once Matt comes back to work, and if anybody has been with them over the years, it's Boden.

"Not the verb I'd use, chief, but we're figuring it out." He says, looking at the chief expectantly, waiting for the shoe to drop.
Chief nods lightly as realization dawns. He doesn't make a habit of prying into the private lives of his men, but he can't say he's entirely surprised by this development. "Take care of him, Kelly." He says wearily, "I've seen firefighters give up after fires like he's been through. Not only on the job but… He's too important." Boden was never a man of words, but Kelly knows what he means, what Matt means. He's the beating heart of the house, a cherished friend, brother, or son to all of them, even if he's blind to see it and to modest to recognize it.

"I know, chief. I'm on it."

"Good." Boden concludes their short talk.

"See if you can get him to the CFD Christmas ball next week," Boden adds calmly, ignoring any possible implications. He doesn't need the details, he just wants to see both his lieutenants in attendance. "It'd be great to see him. And for him to see he still has a place here, has our support."

"Yes, sir."

"Hello?" Kelly answers groggily from his bunk. It's not usual for his cellphone to ring at 2:20 while he's on a shift.

"Kelly?"

"Matt? What's going on? Are you okay?"

"Are you okay?"

"What?"

"Are you okay? Where are you?"

"At 51, Matt. I'm fine. Why aren't you asleep?"

Matt's silence is answer enough.

"Nightmare?" Kelly having experienced Matt's nightmares the night before, he can imagine how scared Matt is. It's had taken over an hour for him to settle down the night before. In his confusion, he'd insisted on opening a window, mumbling about the dangers of suffocation, and then lay under the covers shivering from the cold. Kelly couldn't do anything but hold him to him, hoping their proximity will ground Matt and warm him up, as he waited for sleep to take over again.
When Matt doesn't answer he tries to push for more, "About me?"

"Mm. Sorry, did I wake you? I'm sorry."

"It's fine Matt. I'm glad you called, I've missed you today." He decides to try and distract Matt, get him to focus on other things. "We had a great call today, you would've loved it."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Clogged chimney at the German Grill stall at the Christmas Market. Was fairly easy to fix. The owner of the stall was so grateful, he stopped by the house with dinner for all of us. I've never seen so many sausages in my life. Trucks will probably roll slower due to all the extra weight we've all eaten." He laughs and listens for Matt's reaction.

"That sounds great, Kelly" comes Matt's small voice. He wants to be happy for Kelly, to laugh with him, but the thought of him on a truck brings back visions from his nightly terror.

"Matt?"

"Hm?"

"You okay?"

"Yeah," Kelly can hear the insecurity in his voice, can feel he's downplaying how he's feeling. Keeping Matt on the line, he makes his way to Boden's office. "Can you hold on just a moment, Matt? I'm still here, just a sec." He says into the line, as he knocks lightly on Boden's door, setting the phone on mute. "Chief, I need 30, to go check on Casey, something's not right."

"Okay," Boden nods from his place on the sofa, "take a radio with you."

"Thanks, Chief."

"Hey, Matt, I'm back. I'm on my way, can you take the key out the door, so I can get in?"

Pulling up to Matt's house, Kelly finds all the lights are on, the beat of music flowing through the open windows. Through the living room windows, he can see Matt pacing back and forth.

"Matt?" he says as he lets himself in, going straight for the receiver to lower the volume. "Matt? What's going on? Why aren't you in bed?" he then moves to close some of the windows, blocking out the freezing December air.

"Not tired."

"Matt,"

"How was shift?"

"Shift IS fine, Matt. Nothing special. I need to get back soon, I don't have a lot of time."

"What are you doing here?"

"Why aren't you asleep, Matt?"

"Told you, I'm not tired."

"But you were asleep before? You had another nightmare?" his words bring Matt back into focus, his features paling. Kelly comes to stand in front of him. "I'm right here, Matt. You see? I'm fine."

"You can't go back."

"What?"

"It's too dangerous something's gonna happen you'll get hurt and I won't be there to save you I can't save you I can't go back there."

"Okay, Matt, calm down." Kelly tries first to address Matt's increased breathing rate, his hands coming to rest on Matt's shoulders. He's not sure he follows Matt's logic, but in his confused state, he's expressing more than the fears in his dreams.

"I don't want to go back," Matt finally mumbles, in a low whisper, his eyes searching Kelly's for a reaction.

"Matt, you don't have to go back. But we don't have to talk about it now. You need to try and sleep, you're exhausted and you're not thinking clearly."

"I am, I am." Matt utters angrily, and Kelly sees it's a battle he won't win. He tries to change the subject.

"Why are all the lights on, Matt?" Matt looks around suddenly, as if surprised to find the state of the house. He looks back at Kelly, trying to recall why all the lights were on, his gaze hollowing as he's pulled back into his head.

"It was so dark." By the tone of his voice Kelly know he isn't talking about the house anymore, but about his experience during the fire, under the metal box he'd flipped over to hide under. "and there was no air, and it was hot, too hot. Too hot." He says as he pulls at his shirt, as if trying to peel it off.

"Matt, look at me. Look at me." Kelly says as he grips Matt face between his hands, trying to snap Matt out of it. "We're not there anymore. We're not there anymore. You're safe, I'm right here." He can sense Matt coming back to him. "Can you tell me where we are, Matt?"

"Home."

"Right. That's right. We're home, I'm right here. You're safe, we're both safe, okay?"

"Hm-mm," Matt nods his head frantically, his eyes glued to the floor, a sheen of sweat rippling down his body, as he trembles in his place.

"What are you feeling, Matt? Warm? Cold?"

"Cold."

"Okay. Okay." Kelly says as he wraps his arms around Matt, panting against his hair. Cold, is at least logical; it's fucking freezing in the house after Matt has opened every window. Holding Matt against him with one arm, he takes his phone out with the other, sending a message to the chief.

'CHIEF, HE'S NOT DOING WELL, I CAN'T LEAVE.'

He's never done this in his life, in all his years as a firefighter he's never once left in the middle of the shift. Not without organizing a replacement first. But he can't leave Matt like this. He's not sure he knows what to do, but Matt seems calmer with him being there, it's a start.

'I'LL TRY AND COME BACK ONCE HE'S ASLEEP. SORRY.' He sends a second message to the chief. His phone beeping with an incoming message after a moment.

'DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I GOT YOU COVERED. TAKE CARE OF HIM.'

.

"Hey, Matt,"

"Mm," Matt moans against Kelly's chest.

"How about we go take a shower?" He's thinking it'll warm Matt up, and distract him. And Kelly could also do with a shower himself after shift. "I need a shower. Will you join me?"

"In the shower?"

"Yes?"

"Won't that be weird?"

"Why would it be weird, Matt? We've showered next to each other hundreds of times on shifts."

"We were just mates then."

"Then it should be this less awkward now we're together, shouldn't it?"

"Are we together?"

"What? Yes. Or I thought we were. Aren't we? I hope we are. What're we doing here if we aren't? I thought I'm moving in. I've just told Boden about us." Kelly is now utterly confused, the words falling from his mouth. It's really too late at night, and they've had too little sleep between them for this conversation, but he needs to settle Matt's mind.

"You haven't kissed me in two days." Matt's voice is weary and ashamed, with just a touch of accusation to it.

"You counting, Matt?" Kelly asks, amused. He'd been so busy organizing things before shift, they've hardly seen each other, and then he'd been on shift since yesterday morning, or was it this morning?

"I thought…" it's then Kelly sees the fear and confusion in Matt's eyes.

"You thought what, Matt?"

"I thought you didn't want me. That you regret what happened the day you came back."

"Why would you think that?"

"You said you won't touch me." Matt's insecurities voice themselves. Somehow, in his mind, he'd succeeded to convince himself Kelly had decided against them being together.

"Oh, Matt. I said I won't have sex with you until you're better. I love you, Matt. I'm not regretting anything, except the time together we've missed out on. I want to do this right, Matt, that's why I want us to take it slow, to make it work."

"Oh."

"I do want you, Matt."

"Ok."

"Do you want me, Matt?"

"Yes."

"So, will you shower with me?"

Nodding wordlessly, Matt pulls himself out of Kelly's arms, heading for the bathroom. "Wait," Kelly tugs on his shirt to stop him, pulling him back to him. "Kiss me first, Matt."