Can you believe, I'm actually on holiday AND writing? Normally I don't take my laptop with me buuuttt under the circumstances, I guess I needed something to do (: So here it is. I know it's been a very long time. Months in fact. I apologise to my lovely readers and I hope this long long long chapter suffices. Wow, I can't actually believe how long it is! I didn't realise it would be that long when I had finished. Ha.
The starting week of October brought to Harry's pleasure a fortunate event. The catastrophe's of last month were virtually forgotten, though Harry was reminded every second by the pressing matter's in his mind, not to mention the constant reminder from Snape who looked at him with good intentions; even if no-one else thought so.
"Slimy git." Ron muttered as they entered the classroom where Snape bore his black eyes into Harry's and smiled jeeringly. They sat down with Hermione and she brought out a foot and a half long essay, Ron scribbled some last minute details onto his. Harry looked between the two open-mouthed.
"We had homework?" He asked incredulously, glaring at Ron as his ears turned a shade of red, he suddenly became interested in the corners of his parchment.
"Well… you had been shut away in the common room for a week. We gathered this was what you were doing." Hermione bit her lip and focused her attention on Snape as he started the lesson. Harry grew angry, shut away in the common room? Hadn't he been with them? Then he stupidly realised that his two 'friends' had obviously found time to do it together during their little get-togethers in empty classrooms. Furious, Harry clenched his teeth as Snape gazed over, a small smile playing on his thin lips.
"Ah, Potter. I see no essay on your desk." Snape looked over at Malfoy's group of cronies who were already looking at him with faces that showed mock sympathy. Snape sneered.
Not saying a word he simply stared back.
"See me at the end, Potter."
Harry didn't speak to Hermione or Ron throughout that lesson, and remained seated as everyone left the Dungeons. Snape glided over to him, standing at the edge of his desk.
"Why didn't you do my essay?"
"I forgot."
"Likely story."
Snape sighed, folding his arms and narrowing his eyes.
"I would like the truth, Potter."
"I told you. I forgot to do it." Harry's jaw stiffened, why wouldn't Snape believe him? Harry leaned back in his chair. "Anything else? Or can I go? You see, I don't normally get an interrogation when I don't do homework, sir. Usually a detention and a week's worth of snide remarks." Harry glared at Snape who glared back as powerfully.
"Less of the cheek, Potter. If you remember rightly, I went out of my way to supply you with a potion that was to your benefit." He sneered, his eyes wide with vindictive pleasure. "I can always stop the supply. The deal was-"
"I know the deal!" Harry raged, he stood now. His hands were holding the edge of the table and he leaned towards Snape. "I know! I stop and you give me the potion! What's the problem?"
Snape flitted his eyes to Harry's arm and back to his face.
"How can I be sure of that? How can I be certain you have? With your past record it could be easily said that you are prone to lies."
Harry stopped for a moment, opened his mouth the closed it again, uncertain what it was he wanted to say. Cowardly as it was, Harry stormed from the room. A week ago, Harry was in the best of moods, but after the incident with Ron and Hermione and then with Snape, Harry felt isolated once more. He didn't stop until he reached the boy's toilets. They were empty since everyone was in lesson and Harry stood by the mirror. Glaring at his own reflection, he clenched his hands around the sink and bit his lip as if he wanted to stop himself. But couldn't.
Harry retrieved the blade that he kept by him at all times. True, he hadn't used it in almost four weeks but he felt happier knowing it was there, for times like these.
Rolling up the sleeve of the right arm, he grasped the blade carefully in his left and traced a faint line across his wrist. The scratch protruded downwards and as Harry closed his eyes to cut, the door opened.
---
Typical teenage boy, Severus thought to himself. Scared of confrontation and would prefer to run away from his problems rather than face them head on. After previous incidents, Potter had grown to be able to close his mind to simple Occumlency and now Severus couldn't possibly read his thoughts unless he were to chant the incantation and brandish his wand. Of course, Potter had been lying. Just like his father, he would prefer to lie and deceive than face up to his problems. Although. James Potter rarely had any problems.
Severus was sure Potter would retreat back to the boy's toilets and so made his way down there, meeting a flustered Hermione Granger and useless Ron Weasley on the way.
"Shouldn't you two be in class?" Snape hissed as he passed. "Ten points from Gryffindor."
Granger muttered her apologies and tried to hurry Weasley on, but the lanky red head turned to Severus.
"We were looking for Harry."
"Get to class or it'll be another ten points, Weasley."
Without knocking this time, he raised a hand to the door, Severus felt a shoot of déjà vu surge through him and he took a moment, pressing his back against the door frame.
"Ah! Prongs! The git is in here!"
Severus covered his ears with his hands and muttered comforting phrases to himself.
"Which cubicle?"
He tried to draw his wand to seal the door properly, but his hands were shaking too much and the wand fell. Someone had picked it up. Severus wiped his eyes and glared through the door before standing and opening it fully.
"Been crying? Aw, how touching. See here, Padfoot the snake has feelings!"
Severus barged through Black but Potter grabbed his arm, pushing him violently against the cubicle door. Potter had him pinned.
"If you ever lay eyes on Evans again. I'll make sure you pay."
Severus spat in the face of James Potter, grabbed his wand and fled. Black tripped him up as he exited the door and he felt his head sear as it smashed to the ground. The pain was soothing, strangely. It felt as though he was channelling his pain physically rather than mentally…
Severus opened his eyes, and rubbed his head as though he had again, had it thrown against the floor.
---
Harry turned around sharply.
"Oh, it's you sir." He turned around and looked at Snape through the mirror. "Well, good timing."
Snape stuck his hand out as he approached cautiously, it was as if he were dealing with someone about it throw themselves off a cliff.
"Potter, drop it."
"Why?"
"Because I said so."
"You do?" Harry grinned sarcastically and put the blade at the peak of the scratch, he turned back around and pushed his arm nearer to Snape who looked like a heroin addict who had just seen someone inject a large dose. But it was probably the same, a cutter needed to cut, the way an addict needed to keep his addiction going.
"Don't." He muttered, flitting his gaze back and forth, from the floor to Harry's arm.
Harry laughed, the laugh didn't sound much like his own but a laugh more suited to a maniac. It was cold and high, and made Harry look deranged as it sounded from his own mouth."
"Tell me, sir. How long has it been?"
"A few years." Snape was the same as Harry. Acting oppositely, his tone was shy and still in comparison to Harry's cruel and hostile tone. He then narrowed his eyes as Harry blinked and stepped backwards as though he had been nudged in the stomach.
Harry dropped the blade in the basin, his other hand clutched at his head. Snape exhaled in relief as the blade hit the bottom of the sink.
"You didn't believe me when I told you I hadn't. You went on and on and on. I thought I might as well be blamed for something I have actually done." Harry bowed his head over the sink, his hands clutching the sides.
"I apologise. I saw the sign and I jumped to conclusions." Snape shook his head wearily, though no emotion was apparent in his black, hollow eyes. "I recognised the signs from my own and was quick to judge."
"I can't do it anymore." Harry whispered, he was still staring into the basin, Snape moved behind him.
"That's good."
"No-" Harry swivelled round and sunk onto the floor, his head in his hands. "I mean I can't resist it anymore, it's too tempting."
Snape kneeled in front of Harry and Harry could see every trace of misery and despair etched into the lines in his skin, his eyes were slightly bloodshot and the black iris's were more dark than ever.
"You can do this."
"I can't."
"How long has it actually been?"
"A few weeks." Harry muttered, Snape looked a little relieved and stood up, straightening his cloak with the usual superior air about him.
"I have to leave you now, Potter." Snape muttered as he faced the door. Harry stood quickly, scratching the back of his head and looking at the floor.
"Alright." Harry shrugged, he discreetly moved his hand into the basin and picked the blade up.
Snape drew his wand and the blade slid quickly from Harry's grasp, cutting into his palm. Snape showed Harry the blade before departing. Sighing, Harry slid back onto the floor and opened his hand. A cut lay a little below his index finger and ended at his little finger, it wasn't deep but was bleeding all the same. He grabbed a wad of tissue paper from the cubicle and exited the bathroom.
---
"Thank you Severus." Albus smiled at Severus who was sat opposite the Headmaster, across from his desk.
"The boy would have done it. I know he has it in him to control it, it's just lack of confidence, I assume." Severus said, his hands in his lap smoothing out creases in his robes. It seemed he spent a lot of time up in Albus's office, usually giving him frequent updates on Potter's behaviour.
"If Harry won't listen to us, perhaps he will listen to Remus."
Severus glowered, eyes narrowed.
"Remus was Sirius's close friend. If Harry is having trouble dealing with grief than who better to talk to then Remus."
Severus reluctantly agreed, he stood up slowly and turned swiftly towards the door.
---
"Alrigh' Harry?" Hagrid grinned as Harry joined the group of Gryffindors and Hufflepuffs. Harry replied with a weak smile, Ron and Hermione ran over to him.
"Where were you?"
"I saw Snape."
"What did he say to you?"
Harry waved them off, meaning he didn't want to talk about it. The scene was already playing on a loop in his mind. Snape's face as Harry teased with the blade, Snape being concerned, Snape confessing to cutting.
"How are yeh?" Hagrid asked Harry as they all started to sketch and label a fairy.
"Fine." Harry lied, he had pressed his quill a little too hard on the page and the tip snapped off. Harry was sweltering under the sun and as he looked around at the class he realised he was the only person sweating.
"Is it me or is it hot?" Harry said, finally giving in and speaking to Hermione. She cast him a concerned look and signalled to a group of Hufflepuffs wearing their cloaks, Harry was stripped to his shirt. Trying to concentrate, he bit his lip and started sketching the female fairy. The lines he was making on the parchment were slipping in and out of focus, they dissolved to grey smudges and back to bold black lines and Harry blinked.
Rubbing his eyes, he felt slightly nauseous. He threw his quill down and tried to get Ron's attention but Ron couldn't tell what he was saying. Am I even saying anything? Harry wildly wondered as he tried and failed to hear his own voice.
"What's wrong, Harry?" Hermione was in focus now, Harry kept his head down, he felt unnaturally hot and could feel beads of sweat on his skin. She felt his forehead and gasped.
"Ron he's boiling! Harry? Have you eaten anything today?"
Harry tried to say something. His throat felt tight and constricted, he tried to stand but swayed on the spot before keeling over and hitting the grass hard.
"Should I get Hagrid?" Ron asked anxiously.
Harry's eyes glazed over and they closed.
Long time no see, Harry.
Remember me?
Harry nodded. He reached out, the air was cool and misty like he was floating in the clouds. Yet the feeling of sensation wasn't pleasant. Harry felt as though he were being pulled in a hundred different directions, sideways, down and up; but he could hear the voice of Sirius clearly.
Admit it.
Admit what? Harry wondered. Harry's question was answered as quick as he had thought it.
You killed me.
Harry's arms frantically moved around the mist.
I did.
Good. Finally facing up are we? I was wrong about you being like your father. James would never have been so weak as to mutilate his own arms or starve his body until he was nothing. Your dad will be ashamed of you.
Harry yelled loudly, covering his ears with his arms and squeezing his eyes shut.
Harry?
This was a different voice. A calmer, gentler and kinder voice. Harry slowly lowered his arms and opened his eyes.
Dad?
His father simply stared back, shaking his head.
We risked our lives for you. And this is how you repay us?
I'm sorry.
It's too late, Harry.
---
"Harry?"
Remus was standing over Harry in the hospital wing, he had been out cold for at least twenty minutes. Severus watched from a distance as the boy came around, his mouth twitched as if he were saying something and his body was stiff, though his fingertips shook and his eyelids fluttered.
As Severus came to Albus's side, Harry's eyes flew open and for a moment, Severus swore they turned from blazing red to green. Albus noticed this also and looked at Severus sideways.
"Get away from me!" Harry yelled, thrashing to remove the bed sheets, and smacking Remus in the face with the back of his hand. Remus pulled him back.
"Harry? Are you okay?"
Harry looked around as if he didn't know where he was, then looked down at himself as if he didn't know who he was.
"You don't think-?" Severus muttered to Albus before he was cut short by a nod of the Headmaster's head.
"I believe that is exactly what has happened."
Harry sank back into his bed and rubbed his scar. Severus moved over to his side, Remus cast him a filthy look.
"How much of that potion did you drink, Potter?"
Potter didn't answer and continued to rub his scar. Sighing impatiently, Severus probed him for an answer.
"Potter, this is important-"
"They were in my head." He spoke suddenly and Severus looked at both Albus and Remus who were alarmed.
"Sirius and my Dad."
Potter had tears in his eyes. Severus looked away as if this embarrassed him, the boy looked entirely worn out, he looked much worse than he did before Severus gave him the potion. Remus removed his jacket and kneeled down next to Potter.
"That's why I'm here, Harry. Albus asked me to come and talk to you." Potter glanced at him, though his eyes were narrowed in Albus's direction. "About Sirius."
"Why would I want to talk about him?" Harry shot Remus a angry look. Severus was surprised that Potter put emphasis on the word 'him' and Remus also looked a little taken-aback.
"Well-" Remus started, pushing a hand through his greying hair. "We thought that you were, doing the things you're doing because of what happened last summer."
"You do, do you?"
Potter grinned sarcastically. The grin was totally out of character and Severus cast a concerned look in Albus's direction, Albus was next to attempt to reason with the boy.
"Harry. You need to tell us what is going on, we can't help unless you let us in." Albus bent down and touched the boy's shoulder. This time he didn't flinch. That must be progress.
"Did you overdose with the potion, Harry?"
---
"What?" Harry asked utterly perplexed, he drew his knees to his chin and rested his head on top. He shook his head angrily and continued to stare at the foot of the bed. Lupin had turned to Snape.
"So what is this potion of yours?" Lupin asked impatiently.
"It's a concealment solution." Snape started, he sounded tired and withdrawn and didn't seem to rise to Lupin's anger. Lupin seemed to be blaming Snape and Snape was taking it. Strange, Harry thought.
"I gave it to Potter. I thought he would appreciate it, it helped me when I was his age. There are side-effects that come with it though, one is feeling invincible, it enables the drinker to feel completely safe in his or her own skin and by doing so… makes the drinker happy."
Severus was still looking at Harry and Harry tried his best to look away but his Professor's cold stare was making it difficult.
"Is that it? Harry? You just wanted to feel happy?" Lupin lowered his voice and spoke as if he were speaking to an emotionally distressed lunatic. Harry felt patronised as all six eyes stared at him.
"Well-" Harry rubbed a strain in his neck and grew hot in the face. "I-I didn't mean to, I mean-" Harry breathed in as it was hard to get his words out. "I just took twice the amount, Snape- I mean sir, told me to."
Lupin rubbed his eyes and shook his head. Albus who had been silent for a few minutes pushed his spectacles lower down his crooked nose and surveyed Harry seriously through them.
"You're going to have to stop taking the potion, Harry-" He put a hand up as Harry opened his mouth in protest. "Listen very carefully to what I am about to say- Ah, maybe we shall all sit through this." He smiled pleasantly and summoned three chairs for Lupin, Snape and himself. When they were all seated, he began to explain slowly.
"It seems, like last year, Voldemort-" Snape drew a sharp intake of breath at his name. "Has been entering your mind. Not intentionally however, and he isn't aware that he is doing so. You see Harry, the potion is- and I compliment Professor Snape when I say this- a very complex potion, it increases the physical defence and by doing so, weakens the emotional defences."
Harry listened intently, throwing Snape casual glances as he continued to stare at Harry. It was becoming rather irritating.
"Think back, Potter, to earlier today. The boy's bathroom. Do you remember what you said to me? You mentioned something -. That was when I realised you were not yourself-" Snape muttered, his eyes boring into Harry's.
"And you know me do you?" Harry snarled.
Dumbledore raised a hand as if to silence them and avoid any squabbling and Snape fell silent.
"Think Harry, this is important."
Harry rolled his eyes impatiently then thought back to that incident.
"Tell me, sir. How long has it been?"
"A few years."
"Then I dropped the blade." Harry said suddenly and Lupin raised his head intrigued by the situation, he scratched his chin.
"What?" He asked,
"I remember. I remember what I said." Harry looked at Snape who shook his head threateningly and Harry decided not to reveal the part of the conversation. "Then I remember feeling dazed, I stepped back and dropped the blade."
"That's correct." Snape verified. "I realised then that he had obviously come out of some sort of trance-"
"What was this about James and Sirius?" Lupin asked quickly, interrupting Snape. Harry gulped, he really didn't want to talk about it. He didn't want to talk about the cause of the cutting or the self punishment. Especially not to Lupin.
"Oh it was nothing, I just saw their faces." Harry lied.
Lupin raised an eyebrow.
"But you seemed furious when I mentioned Sirius."
"Tell us Harry we won't-"
"FINE!" Harry bellowed causing Lupin to jump. "Fine! I'll tell you! I've been having dreams since that summer, Sirius being there."
"And James?"
"No, well not until now." Harry's heart hammered hard against his ribs and he felt ashamed that his father now thought so little of him. "I really don't want to talk about it." Harry muttered, he looked away from Lupin as he looked crestfallen at not listening to what his two best friends, Sirius and James were saying from beyond the grave.
"Understandable, Harry." Dumbledore smiled, he stood to leave and Snape copied. Lupin however stayed stationary, staring patiently at Harry as though he were about to carry on.
"Come, Remus. I'm sure Harry would like a good, long rest." Lupin nodded in the direction of Dumbledore and Snape but didn't move until Dumbledore touched his shoulder.
"I know that Harry seeing James and Sirius is a comfort to you-" Dumbledore said softly. Snape snorted, Lupin turned calmly to face him.
"I wouldn't be surprised if it were you putting these ideas into his head, Severus."
"Now, Remus-"
"No, Albus. He needs to be told." Lupin glared. Harry had never seen him so angry. He was shaking with fury and his eyes were narrowed in a glare that Harry would associate with Uncle Vernon, just before a beating.
"Do I, Remus? Let's hear what you have to say then."
"Hating Harry's dad and taking it out on him! Hating Sirius! It's all got to stop! I admit, they were unfair to you at school and that must have been unpleasant but taking it out on Harry?"
Snape opened his mouth to speak, but closed it again. His thin lips twitched and he looked to Harry, Harry looked away. He hated being the subject of argument. When he looked back, he looked back just in time to see Snape's robes whip around the corner. Harry felt something he never expected to feel, it came as he thought back to Snape's expression and pieced the information that had been given. He felt sorry for Snape. Pitied him, and disliked Lupin for bringing it up. Unpleasant didn't begin to explain it, Harry thought. Unbearable might have been a better word.
Harry watched as Dumbledore and Lupin left the room before climbing under the sheets and praying that when he awoke, he would be in the Gryffindor common room listening to Ron snore before taking the potion, the potion Harry just had to have.
Right, there it is! Longest chapter of the lot… so far ;) I hope to god you guys like it xD I originally had a plan… then I forgot it. Then I remembered it… but only parts, like the scenes in my mind and it took forever to put them all together properly.
Please review and make me smile :D
