22
I should have known what lengths Esme would go to in order to separate me from Edward. I should have realized Emmett would never be the one to call me with such news. He had a big incentive to have me gone, too. I should have driven to Seattle and demanded to see Edward's body, but I was still the naïve girl who constantly got played by others.
My mother told me Edward wasn't having a funeral and the Cullen's promised to give me some of his ashes to do with what I felt best. I had them placed in a small urn to give to our child. I stayed in Forks, needing my parents to hold me together and help me through the pregnancy.
I was only a shell and walked though each day without smiling or enjoying anything. I never dressed up or put on makeup. My mother kept me properly nourished but I didn't even care if I gained or lost weight.
One day I got a call from Jessica. I wouldn't take the phone and forced my mother to speak to her. That evening I got a call from Jake. I took the phone and instantly began to cry.
"Bella," he whispered, "Go ahead and cry, I'll listen all night if it helps."
"Jake, I'm pregnant," I said and cried harder.
"I know, Jessica told me, are you taking care of yourself?"
"My mom's here," I said through my sobs.
"I'm in Seattle, can I come see you?" he asked and I suddenly longed for him. I wanted him to hold me in his arms and make me feel like I did in Hawaii.
"I'm huge," I told him and he chuckled.
"Pregnant women are beautiful," he said.
"Come see me tomorrow," I said and gave him directions.
For the first time since Edward died I fixed my hair and put on makeup. I hadn't bought any maternity clothes so I had to make do with my sweat pants and t-shirt. I waited anxiously for him to arrive and when his car pulled up I ran from the house and into the driveway.
His big smile was like medicine and he picked me off the ground and spun me around. "You're not huge at all," he said and placed his hands on my stomach. "Wow, look at that, a baby."
I was so comforted by his open manner and how he touched my stomach and acknowledged my child.
"I'm due in nine weeks," I told him and he hugged me again.
I took his hand and led him to the house to meet my mother. He won her over immediately and I noticed how I kept smiling at everything Jake said.
"How long can you stay?" I asked him and he winked at me.
"Sam and I came for two weeks. He's with Jessica."
"I'll get the guest room ready," my mom said and headed up the stairs.
He watched her walk away and turned to pull me into his arms. "It's so good to see you," he said with a voice that gave me chills.
"You look great," I answered with.
"What happened to the father, how did he die?" he asked and I expected it to hurt too much to tell him, but it felt good to talk about Edward. I wanted everyone to know how great he was and how much I loved him.
"Edward worked for the government and he caught two people who were paid to kill some senators. They worked him over pretty good and he got a blood infection. He went really fast, I didn't get to say goodbye," I said softly as my tears fell.
"Did he know about the baby?"
"Yes, he was not too thrilled about it," I said looked at my swollen fingers.
"I'm sure it was just the surprise, I mean, who wouldn't love a baby coming?"
"The grandmother, that's who," I said and wiped away my tears. "She told my mom they don't need to be notified of its birth and plan to stay out of my baby's life."
Jake was quiet and his brow furrowed as he sat in stunned silence. Jake was so nice and he most likely had a nice family too. People like the Cullens didn't exist in his world. He finally looked into my sad eyes and said, "It's their loss."
"Yeah," I said with a nod.
We spent the entire day catching up and when my father got home we grilled on the deck. Jake was freezing from the cold Washington March weather. We ate inside to thaw him out. He got along great with my father and the conversation was constant and lively.
Jake and I stayed up until midnight talking about baby things. "Are you scared about childbirth?" he asked me.
"I'm much more afraid of the actual child being here. I'm clueless and everything I read makes it sound so easy, what if I really mess up my child?"
"The name is the most important part, you can't call him Brutus or he becomes a backstabber. Now, Marilyn could turn your daughter into a whore, but it can actually be a man's name now, so you would have a gay whore."
"Stop it," I yelled laughing so hard my stomach was hurting. My baby must have found it funny too since it began a gymnastic routine inside of me. I reached over and took Jake's hand and placed it on my gyrating stomach.
He sat mesmerized and it made me wonder if Edward would have enjoyed feeling his child move. Jake laid his head on my stomach and closed his eyes as the kicking and twisting continued. He turned and kissed my baby softly and sat up.
"Jake, how do I tell my baby about its father? There are things I don't want it to know, but I don't want it knowing a fake version full of lies."
"You have years to figure something out," he said and reached up to move my hair from my face.
It wasn't Jake I wanted so badly, but I knew he could help me forget, and for just a few moments my heart wouldn't be breaking for Edward, for just a few kisses I could feel pretty, and loved, and desired, so I pulled him to me.
It was just as I remembered. His mouth was warm and he began with a deep heated kiss. His arm came around me and one hand rested on my stomach. My racing heart must have scared my child since it calmed quickly and held still.
I became lost in the comfort his arms offered. He was so strong that I felt safe as he pulled me tightly to him and moaned at the feelings I produced in him. I longed for that noise from Edward. I only got to have him once and it was as if fate knew he would leave this earth early and left behind a piece of him.
Our passion was building and I felt something leak from my breasts. I pushed him back and he looked ashamed as I looked stupefied. I looked down at the small wet spots on my shirt and gasped.
He laughed and leaned over to meet my eyes. "Bella, your milk is coming in, that's all."
"Milk, this is milk?"
"It is a watery substance that comes in before the milk, God, I know this, why don't you?" he laughed.
"How do you know?" I suddenly wondered if Leah had a pack of tiny Jake's running around.
"I have two older sisters. You got aroused and it made your breasts released the liquid."
I kept my head down in humiliation. It would have been easier if a neon sign flashed over my head. Jake took hold of my chin and forced me to look at him. "It is an automatic response, nothing you did on purpose. I don't think you want me, Bella."
I had no idea what I wanted. When he said it out loud I felt the need to assure him I did want him, I wanted his kindness, and ease to be around. I wanted him to stay and make everything in my life better. I wanted him to understand I would never forget Edward and love him forever, but I needed a father for my baby. Jake finally stood and held out his hand for mine.
"You need your rest, momma," he teased.
We walked up the stairs together and I showed him where he was going to sleep. Before I left the room he pulled me to his chest and gave me one last heart stopping kiss. I went back to my own room and lay in the darkness missing Edward more than ever. Jake was such a great distraction, but he was doing things to my body that I needed Edward for.
The next morning I woke to find Jake in my room holding a tray of food. "Breakfast in bed," he announced and sat the tray on my lap.
"You're spoiling me," I admitted but hoped he didn't stop.
"I ate with your dad; I really like him," he said and I knew my father would have to be impressed with Jake to actually eat with him.
"I have so much to show you today. The great town of Forks is a tourist's delight."
"Is that so, better than Hawaii?"
"Totally," I laughed. "We have the library, the pizza place, and the all important gas station with an Icee machine."
"Library, not sure I'm buying that one?"
I gasped and acted wounded. "Are you calling me dumb, Jacob Black?"
"You're the one who ended up pregnant," he teased and I knew I should have been offended but Jake never said anything to hurt people.
"Reading about condoms and using them are two separate things," I pointed out and he nodded in agreement. "What did you talk about with my father, fishing or hunting?"
"Actually he offered me a job," Jake said softly and I felt my heart quicken.
"Did you tell him about the volcano and calm surf?" I asked, giving him an out if he didn't want my father bugging him.
"I told him I would think about it."
We sat quietly each knowing his decision depended on how things went for the next two weeks. I finally went back to eating and Jake left to shower and get ready for our sightseeing day. I took him by the school, which brought me nothing but dread as a teen. I took him by the station, without actually going inside to be accosted by my father. I also took him to first beach to see the ocean from the mainlander's point of view.
We walked along the cold beach with Jake's arms wrapped around me, more for his warmth than mine. It was something I wanted to share with Edward but our run along the beach by his parent's home would be like everything else, something we only did once.
On the drive back to the house Jake was quiet and watching the forest flash past from his window. I glanced at him a couple of times and finally asked, "Is it so different from the Jungles of Hawaii?"
"No, darkness is pretty much darkness anywhere in the world."
"I feel like I've been stuck in the darkness my whole life," I said. "I'm so ready to come into the light."
"Am I part of the darkness or part of the light?" he asked without his usual smile.
"Jake, you are absolutely part of the light," I said honestly.
"Pull over," he said and I looked over to see him staring at me. I pulled off the road and turned to face him. "If you're ready for the light, I'm waiting here for you," he said.
I placed my hand on my stomach, "I don't come alone."
"I'm good with it," he said sincerely.
"It's a pretty big commitment," I told him as my tears began to threaten.
"I'm a pretty big man," he said and then his eyes flash with realization and he laughed loudly.
"God, you're egotistical," I laughed and he pulled me to his mouth and kissed me fervently.
My nights of crying myself to sleep were ending and memories of Edward were not so painful anymore. The sharp edges of what I was missing in life were softening into a tolerable comfort. I was totally ignorant of the pain Edward was experiencing as he mourned my supposed death.
Edward received a bag of ashes too, but he didn't place them in a nice urn, he kept them on the mantle of his fireplace in Chicago, to taunt him as he drank himself to sleep each night. He found comfort in the arms of a woman sent to save him by Esme. She was gorgeous and educated and everything I wasn't. It was another lie in a family which didn't know any other way to exist.
Jake accepted the job from my father and had to return to Hawaii to get everything in order to move to Forks permanently. I rented a small house down the street from my folks and Jake returned a week before my due date.
It was early in the morning on May thirteenth when I went into labor. Jake way lying next to me in my bed, but we hadn't been intimate yet. He acted as my coach, encouraging me, supporting me, and saying tender words of love. When my son was put into my arms Jake cried along with me. I looked at his golden hair and strong jaw and closed my eyes from the pain of staring at Edward in my son's face.
"Bella," Jake said as he ran his hand through my sweaty hair. "It is a part of him you get to keep."
"I'm going to name him, Cullen Kamalei Black," I said and Jake smiled from ear to ear knowing Kamalei meant, Beloved, and I was using his last name.
"So you're going to marry me after all?"
"Does the fourth of July weekend work for you?" I asked and Jake kissed me and then kissed the child he would raise as his own.
Alice was busy too, planning Edward's wedding to Tanya on June Thirtieth. It would be held on the beach at their parent's home. If I was more in touch with the world I would have heard Carlisle mention Edward's wedding on air one night, but I was too wrapped up in my own lies, telling Jake I would love him forever.
23
I was so grateful for Jake. He worked long hours and came home to help care for Cullen. He would rock him to sleep or fix dinner for us both while I cared for the baby. I woke up one night to find him in the nursery singing softly as he fed him a bottle of breast milk. I walked into the room and put my arms around his neck and kissed him gently.
"Let me, you have to be exhausted," I told him.
"I'm okay, he's so beautiful, Bella, I can't take my eyes off of him."
"You are a wonderful father and I can't believe you're taking on this responsibility at only twenty-five years old."
"Becoming your husband and his father will be my biggest joy," he said with a smile that was so Jake.
"You are his father, Jake, and in two weeks you'll be my husband," I kissed his neck again and he sighed.
Our wedding was going to be small; I didn't have anyone to invite and since Jake was new on the force he couldn't take any time off. We planned to make a trip to Kona the following year so I could meet his family.
Jessica and Sam were going to stand up with us, but it would just be my parents and some of their friends actually in attendance. Every time I asked Jake what he wanted he would tell me to plan what I wanted and he would just show up.
I went into Seattle one day, as Jake took care of Cullen, to find a dress. I didn't want anything expensive and knew Jessica's dress would be more than mine. We stopped by a stylish shop and tried on several choices. I was standing in front of a three way mirror trying to decide on a dress when a beautiful woman walked in to pick up her gown.
The woman waiting on me ran to get the gown for a final fitting and the bride seemed very annoyed. I wanted out of the room. I was still carrying a bit of baby weight and I didn't want the woman standing next to me in her expensive gown, as I struggle to fit into mine.
Jessica came out wearing a beautiful dress and the woman looked her up and down judgmentally. "Let's go," I said to Jessica.
"You don't want to try on more?" she gasped.
"No, I think I'll look at a department store," I said and ran for a dressing room. I was changing when I heard the sales woman tell the blonde she hoped her wedding went well tomorrow. The bride never even responded and grabbed the gown and left.
I looked in the mirror at my body and had to close my eyes to stop myself from obsessing on the fact Jake would make love to me for the first time in only three days, and I wasn't back in shape. Jessica knew what I was thinking and opened the door to the dressing room in a huff.
"Don't you dare start thinking you are fat Bella Swan. You had a baby less than two months ago and you already look better than most women."
"I'm not obsessing," I lied.
She glanced down at my tattoo and smiled, "That really does look great, what does it mean?"
I looked down and the eight ball and the precious words it carried and felt the sting of tears. I quickly changed the subject and dressed so we could leave. We hit the mall and I found a simple gown that only cost me two hundred dollars. Jessica protested but I thought it was perfect.
I dropped Jessica off at home and stopped by a gas station to fill up before heading back to Forks. I grabbed the empty water bottles we drank and tossed them into the garbage can. Something caught my eye. It was a picture of the woman who picked up her dress. I looked around first and then pulled out the society page of the newspaper from the can.
I opened the page to see a picture of the bride and groom with a caption, Tanya Denali marries Edward Cullen. My mind became a jumbled mess and I couldn't think straight. I stared at the gas nozzle and didn't know what to do with it. Edward was alive and getting married. Edward had his family lie to me about his death so he didn't have to be stuck with a child. Edward didn't want me and let me believe he was in a small urn in my drawer.
I pictured my son, tucked safely in Jake's arms and felt a whole new appreciation for him. I now had to deal with the fact I had a tattoo that would remind me of Edward and named his son with the family name. I looked around at the Seattle skyline and a bit of resolve filled me. I was done being Bella the stupid girl and if Edward didn't want me I would let Jake totally into my heart.
I drove home and mulled things over the entire way. I decided not to tell Jake Edward was alive. I wouldn't make him wonder if I was thinking of Edward or missing him. I walked into the house to find Jake giving Cullen a bath. I walked over and kissed him hard as he struggled with the squirming baby.
"I've been thinking," I started as I smiled at my baby. "I want to start calling him Kam, it fits him better than Cullen."
"Are you sure?" Jake asked as he watched my face.
"Absolutely," I answered and kissed him again. This time our kiss lingered and Jake moved forward when I backed away making it last even longer.
"Are we still waiting for our wedding night," he asked with a breathy voice.
"I don't know why," I told him and he smiled as he leaned his head for yet another kiss.
When he pulled the baby from the sink I wrapped him in a large towel and took him to his nursery. Jake followed and worked right along side of me, using lotion, powder and a clean pair of pajamas for our child.
I sat in the rocker to feed him and Jake knelt at the side of me rubbing Kam's soft head as he suckled.
"Jake, what would I do without you," I said as I began to cry at how tenderly he loved us.
"I hope you would miss me terribly," he said and I could tell he was trying to fight his emotions.
I used my free arm to reach out and touch his cheek. I looked into his eyes and told him truthfully for the first time that I loved him. He was my savior, my light to bring me from the darkness. Edward could have his gorgeous wife and live free from the burden of a child. Jake loved Kam and that was worth more than I could ever thank him for.
After we got Kam down for the night I took a shower and tried to make myself as alluring as possible, not that Jake would care one way or another. I walked into our room to find him sitting in the bed, his muscles exposed and looking sexier than he knew. I smiled and let my eyes drop as I climbed up next to him.
He pulled me to his warm body and held me gently. "You look beautiful," he said and I kissed him to stop his compliments. He made love like he kissed, all consuming and open for anything. He didn't use control to go slow; he let himself go and gave me every bit of him, his heart, his mind, and his body.
As I lay in his arms feeling loved, and safe, Edward was walking alone on the beach, trying to find the courage to head into the surf and let his misery end. He wanted out of his life, his career, and his family, because without Bella it didn't matter. He would marry Tanya and try to forget about the attack by James and Victoria. He hoped she would want a baby, to make up for the one he lost when Bella died in the car accident. He wanted a girl, with dark hair and eyes, but with Tanya that wouldn't happen.
Alice had been great with supporting his broken heart. Emmett didn't ever want to talk about it and it caused a rift between the brothers. Edward finally headed back to the house and his last night as a bachelor, feeling tomorrow his life was ending, not beginning.
My wedding to Jake was just what I wanted, small and intimate. I walked down the stairs of my parent's home on the arm of my father and stood among a select few people and became Bella Black. When Jake placed the ring on my finger he said, "I know I'm not your hearts choice but I will spend my life trying to make you happy."
I shook my head at him and replied, "I choose you Jacob Black, regardless of anyone or anything, I choose you."
He pulled me into his arms and we began our life together. Kam grew, Jake advanced at work, and I settled into a contented existence. Our child's first word was, daddy, and his first steps were into Jake's waiting arms. But, his personality was so much like Edward's.
He hated anything to do with the outdoors and intellectually he was way beyond his age. He loved numbers and patterns and when Jake bought him a child's fishing pole, he took apart the reel to see how it worked. Jake was patient and supportive of anything Kam did.
Kam was five now, and we decided to have another child. I thought it would be easy since I had gotten pregnant so easily last time, but month after month we were met with disappointment. I decided to see a specialist and drove to Seattle one day as my mom picked up Kam from kindergarten. I was sitting in the waiting room when a woman walked out from her appointment. I glanced up to see Alice staring at me in horror.
My eyes fell for a moment and then realized I had nothing to be ashamed of, her brother destroyed me, not the other way around. I looked back at her with shoulder's squared and said, "Hello, Alice."
"Why aren't you dead?" she asked as if my breathing was an insult to her.
"I'm sorry, was I supposed to get Edward's approval to live?" I said hatefully.
"You did it on purpose?" she asked with a stunned expression.
"Did what?"
"Made him believe you were dead?"
"What?" I asked in a quick breath before the ability to speak left me. "I was told Edward died."
"By whom?" she demanded.
"Emmett."
"No, that's crazy, Emmett told Edward about your car accident."
"I've never been in a car accident," I said angrily and then the picture became clearer.
Edward didn't push me away, he thought I was dead. He was mourning just as I was and it was his own family who put us through it. The final piece of the puzzle that locked into place was the fact Edward didn't turn his back on Kam.
"Oh my God," I said as tears burst free. "His son."
Alice covered her mouth and let her own tears fall. "You have to go see him," she said.
I looked back at her and said, "But he married Tanya."
"How do you know? I thought you were told he was dead."
"I saw the announcement in the paper," I said as my mind was becoming overwhelmed at what I had done. "I married another man. I'm Mrs. Jacob Black, now."
She finally came over to sit next to me and took hold of my hand. "Bella, Edward's marriage didn't even last a year. He still loves you, I know he does."
I stared into her eyes as she spoke the words that tore me apart. I had stopped loving Edward because he pushed me aside. I gave Jake my entire heart all because of a lie. I finally began to speak, "Alice, you can't tell Edward I'm alive. Let him think I'm dead, because the Bella he knew is gone."
"What about his son?" she asked.
"He's Jake's son. Jake was there for his birth and has raised him for almost six years now. It would only hurt them both to let everything out."
I was called back into the office at that point and gave Alice a quick hug and left. That night Jake arrived home late from work. I was reading a book and he stood in the doorway to watch me. I smiled and he blew me a kiss.
"What's wrong?" I asked as he continued to stand there.
"Bella, are you happy?" he asked and his eyes looked like he was going to cry.
"Why do you feel the need to ask?" I said with a furrowed brow. "You know I'm happy."
He finally entered the room and came over to sit along the edge of the bed. I put my book down and watched him struggle with what he wanted to say.
"At our wedding you told me you chose me. Would you still choose me today?"
I pulled him into my arms and whispered, "Yes."
I didn't know Alice had run straight to Edward. He was now aware I was alive, and married, and he had a son. I also didn't know he had called Jake and talked to him about our relationship. Jake told him he loved Kam and that our boy didn't know Jake was not his biological father. Edward agreed to stay away under one condition, if I was happy with Jake.
24
Jake had to work on Kam's sixth birthday, so we celebrated it the following week. I had a special surprise and couldn't wait for the moment Jake would see the shirt I bought for Kam. I had the house decorated and full of rowdy kids when a squad car pulled in front of the house.
I glanced at the car through the window and said to Kam, "Either daddy's here or grandpa."
Kam ran to the door and yelled, "Mom, its Jerry."
I didn't know why Jake would invite coworkers to a child's party but I walked to the door to welcome him. The moment I saw his face I knew something was wrong.
"Where are Jake and Charlie?" I asked with a panicked voice.
"Charlie is on the 101. Bella, Jake's been in an accident. They were giving chase to a suspect and Jake was run off the road."
"Is he okay?" I asked and my heart knew the answer but I had to ask anyway.
"I'm sorry, Bella. He… it was…bad. He's gone," he said and I noticed how his hands were shaking.
I wasn't taking his word for it, I would demand to see my husband and know for myself if he died or just wanted to be rid of me. I ran for my car when Larry pointed out I had a house full of kids. "Stay here and call my mom," I yelled to him as I jumped in the car and sped away.
I drove out of town and quickly found the blocked road covered in blinking red lights. I pulled to the side of the road and ran toward the crowd of officers. I saw my father being consoled by other men and ran past him to the crushed car.
A sheet was lying over something in the grass and I ran past the paramedics and pulled it from my husband's body. His head was lying at a weird angle and his usual dark skin was pale. "Jake, wake up," I demanded with a hysterical voice.
"Bella, don't," someone said and tried to pull me away.
I fought their attempts to remove me and continued to yell at Jake. I grabbed his uniform and shook him harshly. "Jake, don't do this to me, wake up, I need you. We're having a baby, Jake, wake up."
My father finally came to my side and put his arm around me. "Bella, he would answer you, if he could. He would stay right here and hold you forever, if he could. He can't baby, he can't."
I didn't understand what I had done that made God hate me so much. Was being fat such a mortal sin that I would be punished my entire life? Did I deserve to lose the men I loved because I hid food and used it for comfort? My heart was in pain for twenty-five years until Edward Cullen came into my life, but I didn't get to keep him. Then Jake showed me happiness for six years, but I didn't get to keep him, either.
I didn't scream this time to keep the truth away, it was right in front of me, so I lay my body over Jake's and clung to him. I would stay right there on the side of the road and hold him so they couldn't take him away. I ignored the pleas all around me and spoke to Jake just like I always did.
"I had a big surprise and I could picture your face when Kam put on the, I'm the big brother, shirt. You would have smiled at me, the big smile you use when you can't believe something. I knew you would spend the evening cleaning up after the party, refusing to let me do any work at all. We would call your family and then spend the night in each other's arms. I wanted all of it, Jake, with you."
I don't know how long I was there on the side of the road. I heard my mother's voice speaking to me and I turned to look at her. "Bella, let's take Jake inside. It's going to rain soon and we don't want him lying in mud."
"No, not in the mud," I cried. "Not my Jake."
"Come on dear, let the men bring him inside," she said and pulled me up from the ground. She led me to her car and I turned to see Jake being placed on a gurney.
"Mom, I have to send him home, he misses the heat and the gentle breezes."
"Okay, baby, we'll send him home," she said and helped me with my seatbelt.
She drove my car and I stared numbly out the window as I made plans for Jake. I could see him walking off the plane with a big smile, grateful he was home. I didn't see him in a box, my mind wouldn't accept it. Edward wasn't dead and he was still walking the earth, maybe if I believed it enough Jake would be walking the earth, too.
I kept the fantasy going until I walked into the house and saw Kam. The realness of the situation hit me like a brick. I pulled my baby to me and cried loud agonizing sobs. He was scared and my actions were scaring him more.
"Mom, what's wrong?" he asked smelling like candy and covered with icing.
"Kam, daddy crashed his car and died. He went to heaven and we won't see him anymore."
He began to cry for the man who came to save us six years ago, his father in every way. I held him tightly and we cried together. I kept him in my bed and held him as he slept. He lost two fathers, both caused by bad people. I felt guilty, and lonely, and cursed.
The funeral was attended by officers all over the state. A procession of squad cars lined the street outside of the funeral home. I sat on the front pew and stared forward as people stood to honor Jake's life. His family came from Hawaii and would take his body back to Kona to rest. I didn't listen to a word anyone said. I only held my hand over my stomach and thought of my baby.
Kam pulled on the sleeve of my dress and when I looked down he said, "Was daddy rushing to my party?"
"No, honey, he was chasing a bad guy."
"So, he's a hero?"
"He became a hero the day you were born, sweetheart."
Kam smiled and looked back at the casket as it rolled outside and placed in the funeral car. We walked across the street for a luncheon at the church, but I didn't eat anything. My stomach was upset and I wouldn't be able to keep anything down. I noticed news crews lined up on the sidewalk and my father giving interviews, but I just kept walking.
I stood in the foyer of the church as I thanked people for coming. Most of the attendees were in police uniforms or in Hawaiian shirts. The crowd thinned and I said goodbye to Jake's family. I promised to visit and let them meet their grandchild when it was born.
The few people who remained were cleaning up the luncheon mess and I looked outside the glass doors to see a tall man leaning against a tree to stay out of the rain. Our eyes met and we stared, unable to find words or the need them to say what we felt. I called for Kam and took hold of his hand and walked out the door and up to the stranger under the tree. His eyes watched Kam the entire time and were spilling tears when we reached him.
My son looked up at the face so similar to his own and gave a shy smile. Edward tried to smile back, but his lips were trembling too much.
"Did Alice send you?" I asked.
"No," he said in just a whisper. "Jake made me promise to come if anything happened to him. I also promised to stay away if you were happy."
Jake's attitude the night I ran into Alice made sense now.
"He was good to us," I said as my tears fell.
"I'm glad," Edward said with his own.
Kam pulled on my shirt and said, "Mom, look at the way the cars are lined up. Every third car has a black flag. It's called an oversimplified pattern."
I looked at Edward and smiled proudly. I was stupid Bella, but my son was brilliant.
"What if one flag happened to be missing?" Edward asked him.
"It would create a new pattern that would be implied instead of complete."
Edward looked at me with wide eyes. "He takes after his father," I said and tried to keep my sobs from breaking free.
"May I drop you both at home?" Edward asked.
I nodded and he pointed to his car. We drove in silence as Kam told Edward where to turn. We walked into the house that felt of Jake presence everywhere. I went back into my room and cried as I changed my clothes. Edward sat with Kam and asked him questions to see exactly where his skills fell off. They were lining up coins and doing simple division when I came back into the room.
"Mom," Kam said with excited eyes and a huge smile. "Miss Lester is wrong, this isn't over my head."
"He needs to be in an advanced program, Bella," Edward said.
"You're in Forks," I reminded him. "He'll be placed in a gifted program but it is all they have to offer.
"I would pay for a tutor," Edward suggested and I looked away.
"Kam, run and change while I talk to Edward."
The boy looked disappointed and walked from the room with his head down. I looked at Edward's worried face and knew he felt he overstepped his bounds.
"I don't want him knowing what you do," I said. "I'm not going to listen to him through the walls someday."
"I'm a math professor now. The only walls I talk through are the thick skulls around some of my student's brains," he said with a smile but I didn't smile back.
I watched as his face grew sad and we continued to stare at each other. "Why did he do it? I asked.
"Jake?" he asked me back.
"No, Emmett, why did he break my heart, and make me believe you were dead."
"They did the same thing to me," Edward pointed out.
"I never would have told you about Emmett's job. Didn't he trust me?"
"Emmett was trained not to trust anyone."
"By whom, who turned him into a monster?" I asked and wondered if he would finally tell me the truth.
"My mother," he answered honestly.
I took a deep breath and said what I wanted to say six years ago. "Edward, your mother is a bitch and I hate her."
"I can't defend her actions, and I can't explain them either. She is an agent and I don't know if it made her what she is or if her personality suited the job. I haven't talked to her since Alice told me you were alive."
I nodded and felt my tears begin to fall again. "How did everything get so messed up?" I asked him.
He sat forward and looked at his hands as he said, "Bella, I respected Jake for stepping up and being there for my son. I can't have children because of what James and Victoria did to me, so I really want to know Kam. I want to be there for my son like I should have been all along. I won't tell him who I am until he is old enough to understand. Will you allow me to be a part of his life?"
"Exactly what are you asking for, weekends, holidays, what?"
"Whatever you will allow," he said.
"You're not going to try to take him, are you?" I asked, never believing Edward could be so cruel but needing to make sure we were on the same page.
"I would never hurt him; you and Jake have done an amazing job raising him."
"Thank you, Edward. It means a lot to hear that from you."
Kam peeked around the corner to see if we were still talking and I smiled and held my hand out for him. He ran over and to where I sat and I pulled him onto my lap. "Kam, this man is named Edward. He came to meet you and play with you."
"You did?" he asked with a smile and Edward laughed.
"Grab your favorite game and I'll play with you," Edward said and Kam ran off to get his Legos.
I watched them interact throughout the evening and the Lego's moved into the dynamics of tent building. My family room was a mess of blankets and contraptions where they were going to sleep and I was grateful for Edward's presence to bring Kam joy on such a horrible day.
I took a long bath and let Edward get Kam settled for the night. I was feeling nauseous and ate a few crackers. I had only been in bed for a few minutes when the crackers decided to come back up. I was vomiting violently, trying to keep my hair back when I felt a pair of hands reach out and hold my hair for me.
When my stomached finally calmed I heard a voice so full of pain ask, "God Bella, are you pregnant?"
I began to cry and didn't resist when he pulled me into his arms. "Jake didn't know, I was going to tell him the day he died."
"I'm sorry, love," he whispered and it was familiar, making my heart ache from the realization I could easily fall back in love with Edward.
"What happened to your marriage?" I found the nerve to ask him still buried in his chest, jealous he fell in love at all.
"I was still healing emotionally, and Tanya didn't have a heart," he said trying to tease but I could hear the pain he was feeling.
"Are you dealing with it all?"
"I got help. My scars are on the outside, but I'm good on the inside. I had to learn to stop hearing things in my mind, and most of them were my own words. I got really screwed up," he admitted.
"I know what you mean, Edward, my own words are the hardest to fight."
"I get it now. I dealt with it for one year; you had it for most of your life. People don't understand the power of their words."
"The only things with more devastation are lies. I would take the cruelty over the lies."
Edward's phone rang and he pulled it from his pocket as I took a step away from him and wiped my face with my fingers. He held up his phone in disgust to show me it was his mother calling. He didn't expect my reaction when I reached out and took the phone from his hand and answered the call.
