When Satsuki returned home, she heard Mako in the kitchen, presumably working on dinner, so she gave a quiet, almost timid "Tadaima" and more or less dashed for the bath without waiting for a response. She found the tub filled and steaming already, just as it was every evening, so she hurriedly undressed and washed herself before settling in for a soak.
She wondered if she had ever been quite this nervous in her life, even as she had faced world-ending menaces and the necessary reality of matricide.
It wasn't helping that her mind was treating her to disturbingly cliché mental images, such as Mako in an apron- and nothing else- saying: "Welcome home, Satsuki-sama! Would you like your dinner... your bath... or me..?"
She felt her face heat up, and it was most certainly not from the steam. This would not do at all.
"Okaeri nasai, Satsuki-sama!" Mako suddenly called from the door. "I'm sorry, I didn't hear you come in! Dinner should be ready soon!"
"Um, thank you, Mako!" she called in response. "I'll be... out shortly."
"Hope you're hungry! I'm making chicken croquettes!"
"That sounds wonderful," she said in what she hoped was a steady enough tone.
Mako's footsteps receded down the hall, and Satsuki took a deep, slow breath to try to center herself. Honestly, stopping a global conspiracy had been easier than this.
She wrapped the bath up quickly, then hurried back to her bedroom to put on some casual clothes for dinner, as it was too early for pyjamas just yet. Once dressed, she took a look at herself in the full-length mirror, breathed deeply, nodded curtly to her reflection, and exited the relative safety of the room.
Dinner was quieter than usual with Ryuko absent, but Mako carried on as normal, making small talk with Satsuki about school, work, the pleasant turn the weather had taken, and so forth. Satsuki ate somewhat mechanically, giving brief answers to Mako's questions and nodding along with the rest of the largely one-sided conversation. She barely tasted the croquettes, though she was distantly aware that they were quite good: Mako had learned well from her mother.
After they were finished, Mako insisted that Satsuki retire to the living room to take it easy while she cleaned up, and promised to bring tea in short order. Satsuki seated herself on the sofa as requested, but it could not be said that she was really at ease, and before long, she stood once more and walked slowly to the kitchen. From the open doorway she watched for a while as Mako, humming to herself as she went, briefly rinsed the dishes before putting them in the dishwasher, packed away the leftovers, and set the pots and pans to soak. She then noticed Satsuki's presence, and gave the older girl a look of surprise. "Satsuki-sama?"
"Mako," Satsuki asked, hearing the catch in her own voice, "what's going to happen tonight?"
Mako blinked at her a few times, then her eyes softened, and she gave Satsuki a small but warm smile. "Whatever you want to happen, Satsuki-sama. Shall we start with tea?"
"Yes, please," Satsuki whispered.
"I'll bring it out to you, then," Mako grinned.
Satsuki nodded, then returned to the living room and once again sat on the couch, hands clasping her knees. Mako joined her a few minutes later with the tea, then sat opposite her on the sofa.
After taking a long sip, Mako continued speaking. "Satsuki-sama, this has been all about you from the beginning, so we can do anything you want. We could go out somewhere, maybe do some evening shopping, maybe play some games, maybe get some ice cream... or if you'd rather we can stay in." Her smile quirked mischievously. "We could cuddle a little, or we could fool around a little, or we could even do a little more like last night. Or... not. We could... gosh, we could even actually watch a movie for a change if that's what you want. The point is, though, that nothing HAS to happen. Whatever you want, Satsuki-sama, really."
"Ryuko gave us this time alone, though," Satsuki said quietly. "I suppose I expected..."
"Ryuko-chan wants us to get on with it and have sex," Mako said with a smile and a roll of the eyes. "It was sweet of her, but this is still about you, Satsuki-sama, I promise. Don't feel like you HAVE to do anything: I'll be fine with whatever you want."
Satsuki shifted against the cushions, and steadied herself with another drink of her tea. "But what about what YOU want, Mako?"
"That's easy," Mako shrugged. "I want you to be happy, but I also want you to feel safe. I'm happy to let you lead the way. You can do what you want with me."
Those words brought an involuntary shiver. "Then wouldn't I be using you?" Satsuki said darkly.
"Would you stop if I asked you to?" Mako asked in reply.
Satsuki's eyes widened. "Of- of course I would!" she stammered.
Another lazy shrug from Mako. "Then you wouldn't be using me. It's like last night, where I gave you permission." She then shook her head a few times and smiled. "Satsuki-sama, I think you're thinking about this way too hard with your brain. What does your heart want?"
Just like that, Satsuki felt as though an arrow had pierced her looming intellect, causing the air to rush out of it like a balloon, and leaving her staring across the suddenly infinite empty space of the middle of the couch.
What DID her heart want?
"I think I'd rather stay in tonight," Satsuki said carefully. "Do you think maybe we could... talk some more?"
"Of course!" Mako smiled, setting her tea on the end-table and turning to face Satsuki, tucking her feet beneath her and clasping her hands in her lap.
The space between them only seemed to be growing, and Satsuki found herself hating it. She reminded herself that Mako had given her permission, and Ryuko had given them the evening. Now was not the time to be cowardly. "Could we perhaps..." she began, but could not bring herself to say "cuddle." Instead, she frowned, chewed on the thought for a moment, then set her own teacup down and gingerly extended one arm across that gulf between them. "May I... hold you again, Mako?"
Mako smiled happily and scooted across the couch, allowing Satsuki to gather her in her arms, much as she had the night before. Soon Mako was leaning warmly against her, with Satsuki's hands clasped over her waist and her head on the older girl's shoulder.
At this touch, Satsuki felt some of her apprehension melt away, as though getting over the initial hurdle of the first physical contact had been the most daunting part of all. She allowed herself to take a deep breath and let it out in a long sigh. "This feels... good."
"I agree," Mako giggled. "Hold me however you like, Satsuki-sama. So what do you want to talk about?"
As soon as the question was asked, Satsuki felt her mind go completely blank, save for the one question that had remained with her all week. "Can you tell me why you're doing this, Mako?"
"Lots of reasons," Mako said in reply. "But mostly because we love you, Satsuki-sama."
"We..?"
"Ryuko-chan and I," Mako explained. "We want you to feel happy, and we want you to feel loved. Because you are. Loved, I mean. We can work on the happy part."
Satsuki flashed back to the conversation she and her sister had shared that afternoon, as well as Mako's more recent comment about what Ryuko wanted them to do. "Mako," she asked hesitantly, "are you only doing this because Ryuko wants you to?"
"Of course not," said Mako. "Satsuki-sama, I know what Ryuko-chan told you today when she went to see you, 'cause she told me about it before she left for her ride. It was all stuff she'd already told me before, too, like the way that she used to have a big foe-crush on you."
"Oh," said Satsuki, feeling her cheeks heating up again. "Um... does that bother you?"
"Not as much as it bothered her," Mako chuckled. "Poor Ryuko-chan, all worried about taboos and things. I tried to tell her that you two have kind of a unique situation: you were raised separately, so the taboo about perverting a familial bond wouldn't really apply, and you're both girls, so the taboo about having weird genetics with children wouldn't apply either. It wouldn't bother ME any if you two started making out with one another, so long as I didn't get left out."
"Mako!" Satsuki exclaimed.
"It's true, though, Satsuki-sama," Mako insisted. "I don't know if you had a thing for Ryuko-chan, but she had one for you before she found out about the blood relation thing. If you wanted to, you could kind of grandfather that in, right? I wouldn't judge you."
Some very uncomfortable imagery was beginning to bubble to the surface, so Satsuki pushed it back down. "Even then, I... I couldn't," she said, shaking her head against the thoughts. "That comes too close to painful memories, Mako."
"I'm sorry, Satsuki-sama," Mako said immediately, turning her head to give Satsuki a look of concern over her shoulder.
"It's fine," Satsuki said, even though it really wasn't. If she were being completely honest with herself, then yes, she had to admit that she had... appreciated Ryuko in the time before finding out that they were sisters, but that truth had slammed the door on any such thoughts.
Like mother, like daughter?
It was too close. Whatever their intentions, whatever self-justification they might try to give, she could not allow anything that would invoke even a whisper of a doubt that she was becoming her mother. This was a boundary never to cross, as it had so brutally been crossed against her.
"Satsuki-sama?" Mako asked, a catch of worry in her voice now.
"I'm okay," Satsuki assured her, even as she struggled for a way to get the conversation going again. Anything to get her out of these thoughts. "I must say, I'm a bit surprised."
"About what?"
"Well... I suppose I'm surprised you know so much about sexuality, and even about social taboos, considering that..." She broke off suddenly, and felt her heart drop as she realized what she had been about to say. She hoped that Mako had not followed that thought.
To her horror, Mako did just that. "Considering that I'm not very smart?" Mako asked, quietly.
"Mako, I..."
"It's okay, Satsuki-sama," Mako said with a wan smile. "I know I'm not the brightest little candle there is."
"That wasn't what I meant," said Satsuki, even though it kind of was. "I... I know school has always been... well, challenging for you, but... you have a very unconventional wisdom, and a way of looking at things that at times I cannot fathom, but which I sometimes envy as well. I always thought of you as something of an innocent, though- the last real innocent left in that world we left behind- and... it appears you know more about love and intimacy than I could ever imagine. It seems like a contradiction, that's all."
"I AM eighteen, you know," Mako reminded her.
"I know."
Mako settled slightly in her arms. "I had a good teacher," she said at length.
"Ryuko?"
"Oh, no, Ryuko-chan was pretty clueless, actually," Mako chuckled. "No, I mean... by the time I had my first period, I already knew what was coming. My father taught me all the medical things about being a grown-up woman, but it was my mother who really taught me to understand my body, and to understand sex and sexuality." Her voice grew somewhat distant as she continued. "A girl growing up in the slums couldn't afford to not understand her body, and what other people might want from it. I know I'm kind of naïve and trusting in a lot of ways, but she made sure I was well-prepared when it comes to that."
Another involuntary shiver ran through Satsuki as she pictured what those lessons had been like, where the changes in her body were inextricably linked with fear.
Perhaps she and Mako had more in common than she had known.
"I don't know everything about you, Satsuki-sama," Mako went on, "but I think I know enough to say that your mother taught you about your body in the most hurtful, wrong way possible, and I'm sorry that ever had to happen to you. If you ever need to talk to someone about being a woman, though, I'm sure my mother would be there for you. She adores you, you know."
"She does?" Satsuki whispered.
"You bet. In fact, I think she already considers you family."
Satsuki felt her heart cracking as she pictured Mankanshoku Sukuyo and her warm, effortless smile. What a blessing that would be, to have an actual mother in her life...
She realized that she had tightened her arms around Mako, and for a moment, she felt herself flooded with warmth. Family? Truly?
Mako's next words cooled her somewhat, though. "Satsuki-sama, does it bother you that I know about sex and stuff?"
"Bother me?" Satsuki asked, confused at the choice of words.
"What I mean is... does it make you think I'm... a tramp or something?" Mako went on. "Because I wouldn't do this with just anyone. You and Ryuko-chan are special, though."
"No, no, I don't think that about you at all," Satsuki whispered, feeling herself clench inside at the tone of hurt creeping into Mako's voice. "I know you better than to think that about you. I just... still don't quite understand why you're so willing to share yourself with me when you already have Ryuko."
Mako then sat up and turned around to face Satsuki, leaning in so their faces were less than a foot apart. "Because I love you, Satsuki-sama," she whispered. "You asked before if I was only doing this for Ryuko-chan, and I'm not. She loves you, and she wants you to have someone who'll be good to you and be a lover to you, and since she can't do it herself... well, maybe I can do it enough for the both of us. It really is the both of us, though, Satsuki-sama. I wouldn't be here right now if I didn't love you."
Satsuki was quite certain that her heart and breathing had stopped completely.
A troubled frown crossed Mako's face. "Now... I also won't ever leave Ryuko-chan: I love her too much for that, and I want to be with her for the rest of my life. If you'll let me, though, I'll be with you, too, for as long as you want me. You asked me before what I wanted, Satsuki-sama, and what I want is to love you. I want to light your heart up. I want you to see yourself the way I see you, and I want you to always know that someone can touch you without taking anything away from you."
Here, the frown faded, and Mako leaned in still closer. "I'd also like to kiss you, Satsuki-sama, but only if you want me to."
Heart pounding and mind reeling, all Satsuki could do was nod.
Mako edged closer, and Satsuki felt soft lips touching her own. It was a gentle, lingering kiss, but one that carried the weight of every inexplicable word Mako had just spoken.
"Thank you," Mako whispered after they broke.
"Of... of course," Satsuki managed, wondering why she was the one being thanked. She then felt a thunderbolt of realization, and she smiled in an almost embarrassed fashion. "Um, that was my first," she said sheepishly.
Mako's eyes suddenly seemed very moist. "I'm honored. I... really do love you, Satsuki-sama."
"I..." Satsuki began, but she could not in good conscience complete the thought the way she wished she could. "Mako, I don't know what I'm feeling yet. I'm sorry."
"It's okay," Mako giggled. "Maybe we can find out together, then."
"I... don't know if I'm ready," Satsuki admitted.
"That's okay too," Mako assured her. She then sat back slightly, made a pondering face, and nodded to herself. "I think I'm going to go and brush my teeth," she said, "then I'll go to my room, put my pyjamas on, and read for a little while. If you'd rather have some time to yourself tonight, that's fine. If you'd like to sit up with me and read or talk or even snuggle a little, then bring a book and come join me."
Satsuki nodded, though she was a bit bewildered by this change of direction.
"On the other hand," Mako went on, smiling more widely, "if you'd like to play a little, or you think you might be ready to try and let yourself trust my hands like you said last night..." She again rolled her eyes happily. "Then don't bother to bring a book."
She leaned in to kiss Satsuki again, this time a short, warm peck, then got up and left the room. A few moments later, Satsuki heard the water running in the bathroom sink.
For a long time, Satsuki was very still. If she let herself, she could still feel the warmth of Mako lying against her, and the tingle of Mako's lips touching hers.
Somewhere in the background, Mako finished brushing, and then her soft footsteps receded further down the hall, until Satsuki heard a door close quietly.
After a few silent minutes, Satsuki got up from the couch and followed Mako down the hallway empty-handed.
