A/N: I do not own Twilight.
Thank you to A Jasper For Me and HMPObsessed for going over this chapter and shaping it into what it is now. =)
Thank you to EBS. They're super fast in answering all of my questions.
All mistakes are still mine, however.
Thank you for those who reviewed/alerted/faved this story. I appreciate you giving this one a chance. Hugs and kisses to everyone reading! =)
For all those who are asking...yes, Bella is married to James.
This is longer than usual since I merged two chapters into one, but this will be a rare occurrence since I love my chapters short. Anyway, here goes.
Chapter 8 – Wake up to the truth
"Life is like a dream…you always wake up to the truth and sometimes it sucks." - Anonymous
I slid out of my rental car and slowly made way inside the quaint little bar. It was a little after three in the afternoon, so there were only a few patrons at this hour. I picked a table at one corner, hoping to not attract attention, not before I saw her. I needed to assess the situation so I would know how to proceed.
The bar smelt of coffee and cigarettes. The smell plus the nervousness was churning my stomach, but I pushed the feeling away.
I hadn't been able to sleep last night, scared of what this meeting would come to. I wasn't even sure if Bella was here today. I haven't seen her yet.
A red-haired waitress came and tried to get my order. She eyed me curiously, knowing for certain I wasn't from here. I was wearing clothes that were far more expensive than those of the people around me. The waitress didn't talk much, and I was glad for that.
She stood beside me, clearly waiting for my order. I didn't want anything; I just wanted Bella. "Is Isabella Swan here?"
"Why do you ask?" she questioned, her brows squished together. She was suddenly cautious, and it irritated me. She was trying to fucking read me, and I didn't like it, not one bit. The way she was looking at me made me feel like I was some kind of a threat.
"I just need to talk to her," I answered, trying to be as cordial as I could be. She was the only one who could help me at the moment. "Please."
She assessed my appearance, and I was really on the verge of asking what the hell her problem with me was. It took me a lot more control, but I held my tongue, hoping she would go find Bella before I could insult her.
"I'll be back," was all she said before she turned around, her wide hips sashaying like she owned the motherfucking place.
I just sat there, drumming my fingers on the table. Other patrons were now starting to turn around and blatantly stare at me. I clenched my teeth, hating all the attention. Even if it was just a simple stare, I still loathed it. It was like they were examining me under a microscope, and I felt naked and vulnerable. I knew this was a common occurrence in a small town - the obvious scrutiny to strangers, but I wasn't used to it. If it weren't for my need to see Bella, I would have left the moment the strange stares were sent my way.
It was another couple of minutes of weirdness and feeling suffocated by the uncomfortable silence surrounding me, before I heard the name of Bella being called by the customers.
"Hey Bella, how yah doing this fine day?" I heard a male voice shout. I fisted my hand and tried not to let that affect me.
"I'll be back for you, Henry. I just have to talk to someone, okay?" I heard her answer back. It was then I realized she didn't know it was me. The red-haired waitress didn't ask for my name, and I didn't give it to her.
Dammit! My palms were sweating, knowing she would be near.
I was in a corner where I couldn't see where she would be coming from. My heart was racing, and my breathing was becoming labored.
Chill man, you can do this. You need to do this!
I felt her presence near before I actually saw her. She had her hair up in a messy bun and was wearing a waitress uniform. She had her head bent, returning what looked like a pad of paper inside her pocket. I stared at her intently; my breath was coming in short gasps as I waited for her reaction to me. I could hear the loud beating of my own heart; it was all I could hear.
Then her brown eyes locked with mine, and I literally stopped breathing. I was gripping the edge of the table, trying to get some kind of support from it.
Her face told me everything she was feeling. Before she could even comprehend what was happening, I stood up.
"Bella," I whispered. It seemed I had lost all the speech I rehearsed last night. I reached for her hand, but she pulled away like she would burn if I touched her.
I slid my hands inside my pocket, and told her the only thing I could.
"Please, I need to talk to you," I rasped. My chest seemed to constrict at what I had to tell her next. "If you give this to me, I promise to leave you alone after we talk. Just please, Bella."
I could feel all eyes on us, and I didn't care. The only thing important right now was Bella. Her decision was something that could affect our future.
She looked undecided, and she started to frown. "You promise?"
Reluctantly, I nodded. I knew it was a mistake to promise something I wasn't sure I could give. But I had to do it…I had to or she would leave.
"I still have another few hours before my shift ends," she said quietly, looking uncomfortable all of a sudden.
"It's okay, I can wait," I answered quickly, not wanting her to change her mind. She had agreed, and I should feel relieved, but I wasn't. Now, I had to figure out what to say to make her understand and come back to me.
How the hell would I do that?
"Do you want something?" she asked, biting her lip. Yes, I want you.
"Maybe a beer," I said, not breaking my gaze with her. She was still the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.
"Okay." That was all she said before she turned around and walked away. I was left alone again.
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I was staring at her, my eyes never left her form. She was walking ahead of me, and I couldn't seem to take my eyes off of her even for even a single second.
"You have to follow me," she started saying. Her face was turned to me now and it took me a couple of seconds to comprehend what she just said. Her brows were raised as if she was suddenly irritated at me.
"Okay, Soft- Bella," I answered. "Where-"
She didn't wait for me to finish my question, but turned around and slid inside her car. She was driving a silver Audi, her favorite brand of car.
She led me to another restaurant. I was confused; I thought she would like more privacy and take me somewhere there were less people.
I didn't say anything though. I just followed her inside. She chose a table at the far end of the room. It was kind of a secluded table, and I was relieved. I wanted this conversation to be private, and the chance of people overhearing wouldn't be a good thing.
We didn't say anything to each other until both our drinks had arrived.
"What do you want, Edward?" she asked bluntly. She held her chin up, as if trying to brave it out and talk to me. She was holding her cup of coffee, not making a move to drink it, just running her finger over the rim.
I took a sip of my cappuccino, intending to relieve my agitation with caffeine, which was weird since coffee increases tension. Instead, I almost choked on the liquid. I was too focused on Bella that I forgot my nervousness. I wiped my mouth, stalling.
She scowled at me, clearly knowing what I was doing. I coughed once more, clearing my throat.
"Bella, I'm supposed to be doing some explaining; because that was my full intention for coming here," I started, holding the cup tightly so my hands wouldn't start shaking. "But I really don't know where to start."
"I'm really wondering why there's this desperate need for you to explain yourself especially after all these months of not hearing from you? It's been almost nineteen months now since that…that incident happened and I haven't seen you…and it confuses me why there's this sudden rush all of a sudden," she said quietly. Her words didn't make sense, and I was about to ask her when she cut me off. "What do you think your explanation will do? Do you have some grand plan to make all the pain I had endure go away?" Her eyes told me of her pain, and I wanted to reach out and hold her.
"Bella, I don't…"
"Or maybe you could raise some kind of magic wand and turn back time to ensure that we never met," she continued, as if she didn't hear me speak. Her voice was low, but I could trace the hint of anger behind her words. "Because, believe me, I wished for that so badly. Then there wouldn't have been a chance for you to hurt me."
"Shit, don't think I didn't get hurt, Bella." My heart was beating so fast, my chest hurt. " I did, I fucking did!"
"It would've been better if I haven't experienced you in my life."
"You don't mean that," I croaked, my voice shaky. I didn't want to believe she regretted me…us.
She looked down at the table; her chest was heaving. She was reining in her anger, of that I was certain. When she raised her head again, she was still eerily calm.
"So what happened to Tanya?" she asked. She looked so pale, as if mentioning Tanya's name was so disgusting an act she may be sick. "Not only did you kiss that night, I heard you started fucking her after I left."
I closed my eyes, willing my frustrations to go away. This conversation was dangerously getting out of control, and I couldn't do anything about it. I never wanted it to be like this.
"I told you, I didn't fuck her! Why don't you believe me? I yelled, and I knew we were now attracting attention. I lowered my voice, still wanting to be left alone. Other people might think I was up to something, and they could come near and start asking questions. I didn't want that to happen. That was why I had wanted a more private setting. "You jumped to conclusions, and you never gave me chance to explain!" I hissed.
"You don't deserve it!"
I grabbed her hand and held on it tightly. She started pulling away; her eyes shining with unshed tears.
"Please, I don't think I can do this," she whispered, pleading. My heart broke. She looked ready to cry. Bella's tears were always like knives piercing through my heart. I didn't want to see them. I didn't want to know I had caused them.
"Bella, we need to-," I started saying, but she shook her head frantically.
"I promise next time, just not now," she cried, her voice hoarse. "I don't think I can take it now. Just give me a little more time. Maybe when Ja-," she started saying, but stopped herself. "A little more time, Edward." Her hands were shaking, and I held her hands in mine. My hands were also trembling, but I wanted to reassure her.
"Okay…okay, Soft Lips," I agreed, relenting to her request. "Just make sure you keep that promise." I held her eyes, making sure she knew I was goddamn serious about this.
"Thank you," she whispered, giving me a sad smile. My heart soared, knowing I did that – I made her smile, even if it was a very small act.
"What happened to you, Soft Lips?" I asked softly, my eyes still locked on her face. "What happened?"
"Nothing," she lied. She couldn't meet my eyes, and she started biting her lip.
"Did I hurt you so bad you couldn't forgive me? Was I so bad?" I asked, scared of her answer. She raised her eyes to me then. "Did you love me at all?"
She opened her mouth, but nothing came out. She closed it again and bit her lip. She didn't answer me, and it broke my heart.
"Was leaving me worth it?"
"No," she answered, "but I needed to."
She didn't elaborate any further and clearly had no intention of doing so. She looked so pained. I held her hand tightly in mine. I was drawing some strength from her touch.
I need to know what happened. Maybe when I get back the old Bella, I could make her fall in love with me again.
"I'll be leaving for Chicago next week, Edward. James needs me," she informed, looking quite uncomfortable. "I don't want you coming near me when I'm there. Just stay away, okay?"
How could I answer that? I didn't want to promise that because I goddamn intend to keep any promise I made to her. The mention of her husband again sent a chill to my spine, running out as goose bumps on my skin.
I couldn't let her go back there. I needed to make her fall in love with me again, before she went back to him.
However impossible it was, I was determined to do it. Aro was right. He was fucking right. Bella was my other half, my soul mate. I couldn't be without her, even if I tried.
Now, what will I do to make that happen?
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For four whole days, I sat in the same spot of the restaurant where Bella worked.
The day after my first visit here, I came back just to see her. I thought she would throw me out, but surprisingly, she didn't. I just sat at one isolated table, knowing I would be able to observe her while she worked. Bella didn't mind me being there, but she never made a move to engage me in any kind of conversation. At least she served me coffee all day; after all, I was there basically stalking her. In some fucked up way, I loved the exchange of meaningful stares between us; maybe because I knew this was all I could have with her now. She was running away from me anymore. For that I was glad. If all she could give me was her silence, I would take it over her bailing out on me every chance she got. This was better…for now.
As her shift ended, I readied myself to follow her car. It was as if I had methodically fallen into a routine within the four days I had been here. I would follow her with my rented car from the restaurant to the little house she was living in, park at one side and stare at her window until she turned off the light, then reluctantly go back to the only decent hotel of this town.
I saw her Audi signaled left, and I slowed my car to do the same. The Volvo I was driving was so near her car, I could see her checking me out from her rearview mirror. Bella was aware I had been following her to her house after her shift. She didn't say anything or do anything to stop me, but she didn't speak to me either.
When we stopped at her house, I parked at my usual spot, just a few meters away from her door. Staying meant I could at least feel I was somehow still a part of her life; that nothing had changed between us.
I remained inside the car, just observing Bella as she trudged through the narrow pathway leading to her house. She stopped for a moment, looking confused and turned to look my way. Our eyes locked for a few seconds before she frowned and turned away. She fumbled with her key for a few minutes before she was able to finally open it. I sighed, knowing she would disappear inside once again. I would be left resigned to stay for a few hours, until the weariness of my situation with her was too much to bear, and I would leave with a heavy heart. However, my heart lurched when I saw her look at me again before going inside, leaving the door open. It was an invitation, of that I was sure.
My stalking was finally rewarded. This is what I wanted, right? Then why then did I feel that my world was about to collapse? I didn't know how to react to this sudden change of decision from her. It was so abrupt I feared it would only mean it was something bad.
Do I go inside?
I stared undecided at the open door for a few minutes, scared it would mean the end of days like this, where she gave me allowances to just be with her in any way I could. Finally, I slid out of the car. I took slow steps toward the small house. All the while, never taking my eyes away from the door, afraid any minute she would slam it shut.
I coughed, trying to get myself under control. My jumbled nerves were not helping me at all. I wiped my sweaty hands on my pants and tried to fix my now rumpled shirt in an attempt to impress her. If only Aro could see me now. I looked like a fumbling fool. He would surely mock me and laugh at how I was acting - as if I never saw a fucking woman before.
I stood outside the open door, contemplating my next step. I really wasn't sure if I was reading all the signs correctly. I didn't want to fuck it all up again. Oh, God I hope I'm right about this.
I was right outside her house, just a few tiny steps away from her little home. I could even see her living room from where I was standing. I don't know for sure how long I stood there just battling with myself whether to go in or turn back to my car.
I heard soft music coming from somewhere inside her home. The soothing melody gave me the guts to finally make the decision to enter.
"There you are," I heard Bella say. Hearing the sound of her voice amidst the loud thumping of my heart startled me. I turned around quickly to find her standing in the middle of her living room, looking ethereal and so goddamn sexy in the short floral dress she was wearing. "I thought you got lost or something on the way here. I would hate to have closed the door on you."
"I wasn't sure if you were really inviting me in," I said, scratching the back of my head.
"Oh, don't be stupid. Of course, I was! You know damn well I always close the door. You've been out there enough for the past several days to know an open door was an invitation. It was so obvious," she said. I could see her roll her eyes, and I almost chuckled. She used to annoy me with that shit, but now I just missed it.
She was moving toward the sofa and motioned for me to follow. She sat down, and I followed suit, sitting down opposite her.
"Ahmm, why am I here, Bella?" I asked curiously. My stomach felt like it had so many fucking butterflies fluttering around.
"I'm ready to talk."
Oh, shit! I was shocked. This was the last thing I expected to happen. I stared at her, my eyes searching her face. She looked so composed and so controlled. I became scared all over again.
"Okay," I whispered, surprised I was still able to speak. I shifted on my seat, wishing I could find a comfortable position. I needed it. This was the talk I had wanted. The talk that would explain everything. The talk that could break me even more; the talk I was dreading. Fuck!
"Please don't interrupt me, okay?" she asked. She was biting her lip, and her hands were wringing together, signs she was as agitated as I was.
I nodded. My heart was pounding so hard my head was starting to ache. I could feel my chest constrict and closed my eyes for a moment to concentrate on my breathing. Please don't let me fucking vomit in front of her!
"Edward?" I heard her say, and I opened my eyes. I gave her an encouraging smile, waiting for her to start.
"The night of the wedding…remember I was supposed to stay at our house? That I wasn't supposed to see you, because it's bad luck and all that shit?" she asked, her voice shaky. She looked so pale now, but she was clearly putting on a brave front just so she could talk to me about it.
I ran my hand through my hair, wishing I didn't have to hear this. Bella was looking at me expectantly, and I realized I hadn't answered her question. I quickly nodded, and she proceeded.
"Well, I couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned for hours, but still sleep eluded me," she said. "I couldn't sleep without you."
Yeah, I remembered, because I was doing the same thing she was doing.
She took a long deep breath, and then raised her eyes to me. The pain I saw in them knocked me off my feet. I was familiar with all of it. My insides screamed to just hold her and never let her go, but there was something in the way she held herself that said she wouldn't allow me comforting her. Instead, I held onto the arms of the chair tightly, my fingers digging deeply into the leather.
"Then I told Alice I would go to you. As expected, she protested…but I argued with her. I was determined to see you that night. Alice was pissed, so she told Jasper in the hopes he could stop me. Anyway, to make things short, I got my way. Alice drove me to your house, intending to just drop me off. But when we got to your place, I was shocked to see Tanya's car in the driveway," she recited the events of that night. All the while Bella was talking, she was staring somewhere at my head, not looking at me directly.
I started to open my mouth, but decided to close it again. I didn't know what to say. Even I was certain I made a major mistake that night.
"Alice didn't leave me. She told me she would wait for me. Maybe it was the way I reacted at the sight of Tanya's car, or maybe it was simply because Alice had a feeling something was wrong…I dunno, but she stayed," Bella said, looking so defeated all of a sudden.
"It was a good thing she did stay, because I don't know…I don't know what I would've done after...after," Bella stuttered, clearly trying to control her tears. I leaned forward, wanting to reach for her hand, but I knew she wouldn't appreciate it. I just clenched my fist, feeling the muscles contract painfully.
"Bella –" I started, but she raised her hand to stop me.
"Anyway, I had this funny feeling in my gut while I walked toward your door, but I didn't mind it. I was so excited to see you, I didn't pay attention…not until I saw you…with her." Her eyes were brimming with tears, and I cursed. I didn't want her to fucking cry. It pained me to see her like that.
I knew what Bella saw. I was literally making out with my ex-girlfriend in my own home.
"I stood there for five goddamn minutes, Edward. My heart was shattering looking at her literally shove her tongue inside your throat. But I wanted to be sure I was not getting the wrong impression. I didn't want to be that girl that assumed I saw something I didn't." She placed her hand over her face, rubbing her eyes with the palm of her hand.
When she raised her head, her eyes were red. Her breathing was ragged, and I knew she was holding in her tears. I knew I had hurt her so much.
I was a fucking fool!
"She was all over you, and you weren't doing anything to stop her. You were even kissing her back!" she said. I tried to open my mouth, but nothing came out. Hearing her side, of what she saw that night was like a kick in the gut. I couldn't even fathom why I ever thought it was a good idea to kiss Tanya that night. I could even picture what Bella saw. Oh my God! Surely she saw Tanya dry humping me, and even though I was only kissing Tanya, it would be difficult for Bella to know that amidst all the grinding Tanya was doing.
"You two didn't seem to have noticed me standing there. Looking at you with her was kind of surreal. I wished I was just imagining the whole scene in front of me." She huffed and clasped her hands together tightly. "As the minutes passed and you still touched her, I literally had to stop myself from attacking you. You would never know how much control it took me to turn around and leave."
"Oh God, Bella. I'm so sorry!"
She wrapped her hands around her waist. She looked so devastated. I knew I would never be able to make it up to her, even if I tried. I stood up from the couch, wanting to go and cradle her in my arms. However, she immediately stood up when she saw me near her. She looked so panicked that I stopped walking.
"No! Just stay where you are," she said angrily.
I stood motionless, just staring at her bewilderedly. I wanted this conversation so bad. I had thought if I could just explain she would understand and take me back. But from what I could see, there was a very slim chance of that happening. I wanted to reverse time again and not go through with this conversation at all, because it hurt…it hurt so fucking much.
"I ran out crying. I didn't even know how I ended up lying on your porch. I totally forgot about Alice, but finally noticed her when she helped me up from the ground. I wanted to die at that moment."
I took a deep breath, and the pain was much worse now. Now that I knew what she felt of my mistake. My hands were trembling, and the pain on her face was literally slicing my heart into two.
"Everything was a blur after that. All of a sudden I was home, and Jasper was so angry. He wanted to go back to your house and mess you up. If didn't beg him, he would've done just that," she continued, her voice trembling. "I couldn't stay another minute more in our house, less in the same city as you. I was having a panic attack. Alice only placated me by promising she would get me out of Chicago the same night…and she did."
What have I done? I never realized my callous actions would have such an effect on her. In my attempt to clarify things with Tanya, I had inadvertently hurt Bella. I made the situation worse, and I never realized it. Not until now.
"That was when we flew to California, and the rest is history."
"I followed you there," I told her, my voice raspy. I stared at her., My hands were now in my pockets, hiding them. I was itching to hold her, but she was not mine any longer. I had no more delusions after her confessions. "I followed you there. To explain," I said dejectedly. "To tell you that kiss with Tanya was nothing. It was nothing."
Her eyes went wide. It was obvious she didn't believe me. Who would? "I waited and waited at the bar of Sears, but you never came. You stood me up."
She looked at me with a frown on her face; confusion was written all over her features.
"Maybe it's a good thing you didn't come, because I was practically drunk on my ass. I would have strangled you for the humiliation you put me through."
"Did you say Sears, Edward?" I heard her ask.
"Yes, Sears. The restaurant of the most famous hotel in California, Bella."
"Alice told me you were going to wait for me at The Spears," she said so softly.
"What?" I asked, not quite sure I heard her right.
"I waited for you at The Spears," she repeated.
"Fuck!" My heart jumped in joy when she confirmed we had a different location for the meeting in California, and that was the reason we never had that meeting. But knowing what I know now didn't change anything between us. She was still married, and I still loved her so fucking much. "Shit, what does this mean?"
"I dunno," she whispered so softly I wasn't sure I heard it correctly.
She slowly made her way to the couch and sat down, her hands on her lap. I moved to kneel in front of her. I tucked my knuckle beneath her chin and raised it.
"Bella, look at me," I said shakily.
"I loved you so much, Edward." She cried, and it was like I was punched in the gut. "Did you know that?"
She tried to smile, but it came across tight and forced. Her brown eyes were looking at me sadly. The pain I saw in them would be forever etched in my brain.
"I'm sorry," I said and leaned my forehead to hers. "I didn't mean to hurt you, Soft Lips. I'm so sorry. "
She sighed, and I could taste her breath in mine. She was so close, and I couldn't help it; I captured her lips in mine.
Oh, God, I missed her so much!
I was so pre-occupied with the taste of her lips, I hadn't realized she didn't push me away. The kiss was light and soft, but it wasn't enough. I pressed my lips to hers urgently, coaxing her to open her mouth to me. When she did, my tongue didn't waste any time to explore every crevice. She was giving as good as she was getting. She was biting and sucking on my lips, making me moan against her. It felt so fucking good to hold her again, to taste her.
She fumbled with the buttons of my shirt, and I pushed her back slightly, yanking my shirt open, scattering buttons on the floor.
She was panting, and I was certain she wanted me just as much as I wanted her.
"Are you sure about this, Bella?" I asked, needing to know she wouldn't regret it. I wanted this so much, but I also wanted her to want it.
She leaned down and kissed me roughly. That was all the answer I needed.
See, I told I won't make you wait for their much-needed talk.
So, once again tell me your thoughts on this.
Next chapter will be after two weeks, or even more. I need to update my other story first. Don't worry I'll make it worth your wait. *winks*
