Dani and I are parked in front of the TV. She's completely engrossed in the moronic game show that's flashing across the screen. The host makes me want to punch myself in the goddamn face. His voice is obnoxious and his smile is just too fucking fake for me to swallow. My fingers trace along the bandages that are wrapped tightly around my arm. I know the sore welts that lie beneath are the product of one of my darkest moments since I've been with Trevor. The pain of his infidelity still lingers in my mind, even now. Things have gotten better since that day but, not by much.
Trevor still can't find a job. I want to believe he spends most of the day pounding the pavement and turning in applications but, I know there's no way to be sure. I've given up on ever trusting him again. I hate that fucking fact of our relationship. I don't ask him about his day when he comes home. It only ever leads to fights and things are tense enough between us. He can't stand living under Dani's roof. It's too fucking crowded with the three of us jammed into this tiny two bedroom house.
It feels like this is the first fucking day off I've had in ages. Despite everything that's been going on between us lately I wish I could've spent it with Trevor. He's just too fucking desperate to get a steady cash flow going to waste a day with me. Still, it's nice to spend some time with Dani for once. She and Trevor have gotten to be a bit more cordial with each other. I'm not surprised. He seems to be drawn to older women. She just absolutely hates his fucking guts though. He embodies everything that she stands against.
Some idiot on the game show wins a shitty car and I roll my eyes. Fuck that bitch is happy to get that stupid goddamn sedan.
"Can we watch something less-fucking stupid?" I ask.
My aunt giggles and tosses me the remote.
"What? You wouldn't be that excited to win a new car?" Dani asks.
I start flipping through the four fucking channels we get. I know it's pointless. It's just four different types of garbage.
"Fuck, you got me there," I confess.
My aunt shakes her head. I know she hates the way I talk. It's not decent. She used to scold me every time I dropped the f-bomb or some other taboo word. It fucking failed of course. It's just another part of me that she chose to embrace rather than try and change. After searching through the channels for the last time we end up back on that fucking game show again.
"I give up," I say.
I throw the remote on the floor and curl up on the couch. My aunt laughs; it's a very halfhearted expression though. She grimaces a little. I think nothing of it. The show goes on and another stupid bitch wins a bullshit prize that she'll have to pay way too many taxes on. My aunt keeps rubbing her chest. It gets my attention when she falls out of her chair.
Aunt Dani topples forward and rolls onto the floor. She lets out a cry of pain as she grasps desperately at her chest. Jesus fucking Christ. I leap over to her only to see her face starting to turn a shade of purple.
"Dani!? Dani!?" I scream. "Jesus Christ!"
I think she's having a fucking heart attack. My heart races but, I can already feel that cold instinct kicking in. I trip over myself as I run to the phone. I slam my fingers as fast as I can into the number pad. This isn't fucking happening right now. This can't be fucking happening right now. I know my aunt is fat as fuck and has a horrible diet but, this can't happen to her. I feel as if someone else is speaking for me when I speak into the phone. The woman on the other line sounds so fucking bored. Why the fuck is that all I can think about? A sinking sense of dread sets in while I'm on the phone. Aunt Dani's gotten too fucking quiet.
Her face looks like a fucking blueberry as she lies there on the floor. I can hear the words coming out of my mouth as I tell the woman on the line my address but, they just don't register in my mind. She hangs up on me after telling me that the ambulance is coming. How are we going to pay for this? Holy fuck, why is that the one thing that comes to mind right now?
I kneel down by my aunt and gaze at her motionless body. I can't even detect the tiniest fucking sign of movement. I brush some of her brittle hair away from her forehead.
"It'll be okay," I say. "They're coming."
It's not going to be okay. Even though her flesh feels warm beneath my fingertips her chest lies still. She's not fucking breathing. I still feel nothing even after that revelation. My aunt doesn't look peaceful or happy. She's just a bloated pile of flesh that's lying in the middle of her living room.
It all goes by in a blur. I step out of the way of the paramedics as they trample into our house. I watch them strap her onto the stretcher and haul her out the front door. The flashing lights cast a strange glow on the faces of the neighbors that have gathered to watch the scene. I still feel completely empty. One of the paramedics tells me what hospital they're taking her to and all I can do is nod. They never told me if she was dead already but, they don't have to. I have no way to get to the hospital. I have no way to get a hold of Trevor.
I sit down on the front porch where Kimmy and I used to share Bloody Marys. The last time I felt this way was when I was ten years old. My mother's corpse was face down on the kitchen floor with a pool of blood spreading out beneath her. I felt nothing then and I feel nothing now. I just know I can take no action but wait. The phone will ring or Trevor will come home. Until that time comes, I can do absolutely fucking nothing.
I watch the crowd slowly dissipate around me. I can hear their hushed whispers as they gaze at me. I don't care what they have to say. I have no sense of time as I sit there on the porch. I don't know how many hours have sipped by when I hear the phone ring in the house. It's an out of body experience when I stand up and walk back inside. I feel like I'm just watching myself on some sad TV show. This isn't my life. This isn't happening. I hold the receiver to my ear and my voice croaks when I answer the phone. They ask for me by name and it barely registers in my mind.
"This is her," I say.
I must be possessed by a demon because it feels like I'm not really uttering these words.
"I'm sorry to inform you that Daniella Bugayos has passed away," The man on the phone says.
My aunt is dead.
"What happened?" I ask.
There should be so much more emotion charged within that question but, there is nothing. My mind is just trying to fill in the blanks and find the answers before it can calculate what must be done next.
"She had a massive heart attack," The man explains. "We tried everything we could to save her."
"Okay," I say.
He prattles on about funeral arrangements and legal matters. His voice is warm and should be comforting but, I just feel cold. I take a mental note of everything he says, storing it away for use later. He asks me about her will and I have no answers for him. No, she has no family. I'm not her daughter. I'm not her niece, I'm just a kid she plucked out of a foster home. It wasn't a legal adoption. He tells me he's sorry again and again. The phone call ends and I hang up.
I lean against the wall and I feel my face start to contort. I can feel the sorrow starting to creep in but it just can't get a firm enough grasp on me to stick around. My legs crumple beneath me and I slide down to the floor.
My aunt is dead.
I stare at the spot on the living room floor where she fell. I keep staring at it until the sun goes down and the street lights come on. I keep staring at it until Trevor Philips unlocks the front door and steps inside. He cracks a smile when he sees me on the floor. I'm sure I look strange right now. When I don't respond the joy is wiped away from his face. It feels like someone else is turning my head to look up at him. This isn't me. I'm not really here.
"My aunt is dead," I say.
His expression remains flat. He gets down on the floor next to me and I feel his arm drape around my shoulders. Feeling the heat of his body against mine starts to thaw the wall that my brain has put up around me all day.
"She had a heart attack," I explain.
He cups my face with his free hand and tilts my head so it rests on his shoulder. All I can think about is how his stubble feels as it rubs against my forehead. I feel like my throat is swelling shut. My face feels hot and I can sense the urge to cry trying to break its way through the icy emotional armor I have on.
"Are you okay?" Trevor asks.
I won't cry now. I won't start grieving until months, maybe even years, have passed. Fuck, I still feel nothing about my dead mother.
"This is bad, Trev," I say. "I think we're going to be homeless."
I can feel his hot breath on my face and I try to focus on the faint sensation it stirs within me.
"What do you mean?" He asks.
His voice sounds so loud with my ear pressed against his shoulder.
"I'm not related to her," I explain. "I'm pretty sure she never bothered to draw up a will either. This isn't my house. It belongs to the state now."
"You don't know that for sure," Trevor says.
But I do know it for sure, Trevor. Dani never planned ahead. She wasn't planning when she brought me home with her all those years ago. She never bothered to go through all the hoops she needed to. Her heart was too fucking big for her to do that. She just opened her heart and home without thinking it through.
I was right again. When we met with the lawyer after the funeral, he only had bad news. Even then I still felt nothing. Trevor starts cursing at the bald man in the ill-fitting suit but, it doesn't change the law. We have thirty days to vacate the premises. I drag him out of the lawyer's office before Trevor murders him for simply being the messenger with bad news.
Even when we leave Aunt Dani's house with nothing but two suitcases, I feel nothing. Trevor promises me he'll make this fucking work that he'll keep us off the streets. I know my wages from the burger joint aren't enough to keep the two of us a float. No one is going to hire a man like Trevor for a steady job. It's going to be up to me.
When, he makes love me on the filthy motel bed, I still feel nothing. He whispers nasty things into my ear and then clutches to me like a child when he's finished. I run my fingers through his hair and notice it's getting thinner. I remember it's our anniversary and I tell him. He snuggles up closer to me and promises me we'll see a million more of them. I know it's not true.
I don't feel something until I'm standing over the range grill at work months later. I flip one of the shitty frozen patties over and press down on it with my metal spatula. Sweat is pouring down my face and dripping onto the grill. It sizzles when it hits the hot surface. I start to tremble and my eyes start to burn from tears. It all comes spilling out and I fall to my knees. Tears are streaming down my face as I let out the desperate sobs that have been struggling to escape for what felt like an eternity. One of the other fry cooks calls my boss over. The poor, pimple faced kid looks absolutely fucking overwhelmed. I curl up on the floor and cry like a fucking baby. I can barely breathe because it feels like a thousand pounds have just been dumped on my chest.
My boss skids on the tile when he runs over to me. He doesn't give two fucks about the fact that I lost the only stable fucking entity I had in my life. His face is red with rage and he's huffing like the obese fuck he is.
"What the fuck is going on here!?" He demands.
I try and push myself off the floor but, I slip on the tile.
"I'm so sorry," I say. "I'll get it together, I promise!"
He folds his chubby arms across his chest.
"Then make it happen, fucking fast. I can't deal with this shit back here, come on!" He snaps.
I wipe the snot from my nose on my sleeve and get back to work. The kid next to me is shaking like a leaf and his eyes keep darting over to me. My boss watches me finish the order before he storms back off to his office. I'm sure he's just going to watch some fucked up porn and rub one out. That's all that sad fuck ever does around here.
I'm not exactly sure how I even finished work that day. I broke down a couple more times but, I didn't let it overwhelm me again. The bitch starts whispering to me again. It's been so fucking long since I heard her that I can't fight her at all. She fills my head with memories of Dani's purple, bloated face. Why didn't I try to save her? I could've stopped her from dying. I should've done something! Anything! But why fucking now? Why after all this time does the bullshit finally fucking start?
The only relief I get is when it's time for me to clean up my post and clock out. That grill has never looked that fucking perfect in its entire existence. As I scrape off the chunks of chemically modified meat and grease, I feel like I'm scraping my aunt's face out of my memory. She just won't fucking get out of my head though, no matter how hard I try. My stomach is growling and I feel ravenous. Food has had no taste, my stomach has never felt empty, my body has been asleep for months and it's finally coming back to life. I steal a dozen burgers before I leave. The paper bag is tearing apart because I've stuffed it so full. Nobody gives me any shit. We're all fucking struggling, they all fucking understand. These burgers are barely fucking worth twenty-five cents total. It's not like I'm actually robbing the company.
Snow is coming down from the black sky in fluffy white flakes. My breath turns to fog when it comes out of my nose and the cold cuts me to the bone. I fight back more tears as I march home through the snow. Fuck, it's not home. It's a shitty motel room that has semen caked on to the walls and stinks of the hookers that frequent it. Twenty dollars a day to keep a roof over our heads because my aunt forgot to make sure I have a fucking home when she's gone.
I want to kill something. I miss Dani but, I hate her for fucking me over. I hate myself for not doing more to save her. I hate Trevor for still being a jobless, crazy fuck. My cheeks are starting to sting from the icy air blasting against them as I walk. The neighborhood around me slowly becomes shittier. Punk hoodlums, twitching hookers and desperate people crowd the streets. Poor people don't give a fuck whether it's snowing. It's just as cold in their fucking house as it is outside. Pigs holler at me as I walk by and I lash out right back at them. They tell me to chill the fuck out; I tell them I'm going to chop off their dicks in their sleep.
It feels like I've just woken from a coma.
I can see Trevor's car in the motel parking lot. We won't go hungry tonight, baby. But I need you now more than ever. I push my way into the room. It's fucking disgusting that we have to live in a shit pool like this. He greets me at the door with his arms wide open and a smile on his face. Trevor's lost so much fucking weight since Dani died. Fuck, I have too. We've been living off of the one free meal I get from work and the cheap, shitty junk food in the motel vending machine. Why does he look so goddamn happy? We have nothing to be fucking happy about.
I hold up the bag of cold burgers and say, "I brought dinner. It was a shitty day."
Trevor takes me by the hand and tosses the burgers on the floor.
"Not tonight, darling," Trevor says. "We're having a proper fucking meal tonight. I'm taking you out on the town! We're gonna live it fucking up tonight!"
What the fuck is he on about? I try to walk past him but he sidesteps in front of me.
"What's the matter?" Trevor asks. "You look like shit. C'mon let me put a smile on your face!"
I'm too overwhelmed with the flood of pent up emotions to be swayed by his charms.
"What's going on, Trev?" I ask.
He rests his hands on my shoulders and makes a fucking puppy dog face. He is such a manipulative little fuck.
"Don't be mad," Trevor says.
This is going to be bad. He guides me over to the bed and I'm pretty sure I literally shit my pants when I see what's spread all over it. Money. Scrunched up green bills are scattered across the unkempt sheets and a beat-up hand gun has been tossed carelessly on a stained pillow.
"What the fuck did you do!?" I scream.
"Hey, just chill the fuck out okay!?" Trevor snaps.
He picks up a wad of cash and shoves it at me. I stare at the bills in my hands and I forget the sight of Dani's corpse for one blessed second.
"I robbed a fucking liquor store!" Trevor says. "It was the greatest fucking thing in the world! You really need to try it some time, honey, because holy shit does that get the blood flowing!"
I wrap my fingers around the bills and look back up at him. They're not big bills. There can't be more than a couple hundred bucks on the bed.
"Come on! We needed the fucking cash!" Trevor explains. "No one's gonna hire me okay? And I'm tired of us living like this! It's us against the world, Momma, and I'm gonna have us living in the lap of fucking luxury!"
I walk over to the bed and start picking up all the bills. I start counting them out and my heart starts to pound. We haven't had this much money, ever. Never fucking ever.
"Well!? What the fuck!? Say something!" Trevor demands.
He sounds so pumped up. It's almost the amount of excitement he used to have when he got to fly. Almost.
"I'm not mad," I say.
It's fucking true too. I'm not mad. I'm beyond the point of caring about what's right or wrong or how risky this is. We've barely been scraping by and I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want to be trapped in this godforsaken town in that piss hole of a job. The grin he has on his face is completely insane. I finish counting the bills and smooth them out in my hand.
"But we can't stay here," I say. "We need to leave. They're going to be looking for you."
As of tonight, we're fucking gypsies.
"We'll ditch the car, get a new one." I say. "They'll be looking for that too. We get new names with every new place we go. We get new lives. That's the only way this will work."
He pulls me close and lays a big sloppy kiss on me.
Trevor shakes me with delight as he speaks, "I knew you'd have a fucking plan! You always fucking do!"
I have to get on my tiptoes to kiss him. I jab my tongue down his throat and shove my hand down his pants. I'm alive again. I'll probably cry again tonight, and laugh and cry and laugh. It's over though. My aunt is gone and now it's time to take care of my man. I can feel him stiffen beneath my touch but, there's no time for that now.
"Go switch out our plates with someone else's," I say. "Do it quick. I'll get our shit together."
He stands up straight and gives me a military salute. That gloriously devilish grin is plastered on his face.
"Yes, Ma'am!" He says.
I can hear the arousal in his voice. I've got a sliver of the old Trevor back. We've both come back to life tonight. We've both been roused from the painful slumber that was holding us back. Watch the fuck out world.
He runs outside to complete the task I've assigned him. I shove all the money in my pocket. It's strange how six hundred bucks can fit into your pocket. They make a pile of money like this look so much bigger on TV. The bitch whispers to me as I stuff our clothes into a suitcase. She sounds so far away. She nags me about Dani and I feel the grief creeping back in again. I let the tears fall while I work. I don't want to keep this pent up inside. I should've been done with this by now. I don't think I'll ever be fucking done. Trevor won't be fucking done with his shit ever. Why the fuck should I ever expect it to? I'll get sick of it one day. I'll be too old for it soon.
I zip up the suitcase and carry it outside. I find Trevor leaning against a truck that's engine is running like shit. I glance back at his car; the plates are still the same. I have no fucking idea where he learned how to hot wire a car but, I don't question it. It's a better idea to just take off with something completely different anyway. I feel a swell of pride over his quick thinking.
"Nice trick," I say.
He's committed armed robbery and grand theft auto in the same night. Way to rack up a record, babe. Now, I'm his fucking accomplice. My aunt is probably rolling over in her grave right now.
"See, sugar, I get good ideas too!" Trevor declares.
He takes the suitcase out of my hands and tosses it into the back of the cab. Trevor makes an excessively grand gesture of opening the passenger door for me. I trace my fingers across his chest before I climb in. He hasn't looked this giddy in so long I've almost forgotten what it looks like. Trevor's beaming like the fucking sun as he navigates us out of the parking lot. The truck fishtails as we peel out and speed down the road.
I become overwhelmed with the swirl of grief and joy that's churning within me. Aunt Dani wouldn't want this but, I feel so free to shed my old life and run away with this crazy kid. I let the tears flow but I'm not sobbing. I'm laughing like I've just heard the funniest fucking joke in the world. I feel Trevor place his hand on my shoulder and I look over at him. He's laughing too but, he looks completely fucking confused.
"What's going on with you?" Trevor asks.
I grab his hand and plant kisses all over the calloused surface of his knuckles. I love him so fucking much.
"I'm just glad to be back, babe," I say.
He cracks that crooked smile that I love so much and I can see that familiar twinkle in his eye.
"Then how about you give my fucking ramrod a nice tug or two?" Trevor suggests.
I lean over and I rub the growing bulge in his crotch. Fuck, he deserves it. I fucking deserve it. I've finally fucking gotten my life back under control again. The bitch can whisper all she wants tonight. She can scream until my ears bleed about how fucking stupid we are. We're destroying each other's future in a glorious blaze of self indulgence and I feel so fucking alive.
"You've been such a good boy, Trevor," I say. "Mommy thinks you've earned something special tonight."
I feel him go rigid when my face nuzzles between his legs. The truck swerves back and forth in an erratic dance as I go to work. The bitch is screaming. She flashes images of Aunt Dani, Kimmy crying, and hookers hanging off of Trevor's cock. The growing pain in my jaw does nothing to snuff them out. I welcome my bullshit tonight. I welcome that familiar feeling it brings. It's like a shitty old friend that just keeps coming around. You don't realize how much you love them until they've been gone for a long time. It reminds me I have a fucking soul. There still is a heart beating inside my scarred fucking chest.
