Once home, Jane changed her clothes, grabbed a beer from her fridge and flopped down on the couch. She had been trying to get the thought of Dr, Isles out of her head since she left the bar, but to no avail. Jane switched on the highlights of the Sox game and looked around her apartment for something to distract her. God, she needed a hobby. She thought about calling someone, but the only person she could think of was her brother, and though there was a good deal of things she would talk to Frankie about, this was not one of them.
Jane tried to fathom how her mind had wandered so far off track. True, she respected and admired the doctor. The ME was confident, brilliant, and damn sexy; who wouldn't want to be around her? The trouble was, try as she might, Jane could not contain her thoughts to the platonic variety. She had only known Maura for a few weeks and in that time the doctor had worked her way into Jane's subconscious like no one else.
Rationally it made no sense. Jane liked men, she didn't have a great track record with relationships, but she never had a problem enjoying their company physically. And yet, every time she even thought about the doctor, Jane felt her insides quiver. Here she was pushing thirty, and her body was responding like that of a school girl's half her age. By far the biggest problem though, was the fact that she didn't want it to stop. She liked how she felt when she was around Maura, as frustrating as it was, and would much rather have that than nothing at all.
To further her angst, she had been treated to a taste of the Doctor outside of work. Contrary to Jane's assumptions, Maura was not rigid or stuffy, but enjoyed contemporary music, could dance really well and seemed to be able to relax in a way that eluded Jane. The ME had not needed any coaxing to venture onto the dance floor and work off some of the week's stress. And she did so in such an alluring way. But that was all it had been.
Jane closed her eyes as she lounged on the couch and let the memories of the evening's events cascade over her body. Her mind moved through the scenes, pausing on the feelings they elicited. She replayed them over and over; the heat rising in her chest and abdomen. Thinking about their last moment together on the dance floor, Jane could feel Maura's lips slide across her cheek. Jane felt the same urge that she had had earlier that night. The urge to keep Maura from moving away from her, to step in close to the gorgeous doctor and kiss her hard and deep right on her lips. Jane had mightily resisted that temptation in the Doctor's presence, but in the privacy of her own home and mind she indulged, and the thought was overwhelming. Her passion overcame her senses as she felt herself release all the built up tensions from her life.
The force of her own body's reaction was as much a shock to Jane, as the feeling itself. She was a grown woman who had enjoyed the pleasures of intimacy in the past, but never had her body's response been as strong, nor independent of any physical contact. The mere thought of Maura had brought Jane to this point, and she couldn't imagine what she would have done had she actually followed through with it tangibly.
It was at this point that the path of Jane's musings stopped. She opened her eyes and the full realization of what she was doing hit her. She was fantasizing about the doctor, about the straight doctor with whom she had to work on a daily basis. Jane felt a wave of fear and embarrassment that she had let her mind even go there, and aggressively willed herself out of her state of euphoria.
With a start Jane was up off the couch and headed for her shower. She needed to snap out of this before she saw Maura again, or she might just tip her hand in the woman's presence, and that would be disastrous. Jane frantically peeled her clothes off leaving a trail as she headed for the bathroom. She was putting up walls and making rules for herself as she went.
Rule one: she definitely could not spend any time outside work with Maura, at least not until she got her lesser daemons under tighter wraps. Jane opened the shower door and turned on the tap.
Rule two: absolutely no admissions of any kind to Maura or anyone else. Jane stepped under the shower and her chest constricted as the cold water hit her.
Rule three: Date more. Date more guys. The detective pressed her back against the wall and let the darts of water punish her skin in an act of contrition. Her legs slowly gave way and Jane dropped down into a sitting position, knees draw to her chest, hot tears cascading down her cheeks.
The harder she tried to push the thought of Maura from her mind the more she saw the doctor's smile, her eyes, her quirky disposition. Good God she was fucked. How had she let her life get so terribly off track?
Jane remained unmoving,for how long she could not recall. But when she did finally bring herself to get out of the shower she was shaking all over with the cold. The Late show was in full swing, and the thermostat in her apartment had already clicked into overnight mode. Jane pulled on a pair of sweats and climbed in to her bed exhausted. As miserable as she was, she deserved to feel that way and at the very least her physical discomfort became the most pressing thing on her mind. Thankfully it pushed thoughts of the ME to the side and allowed Jane to drift off into a fitful yet Maura free sleep.
