Kapitel 08
Chapter 8
Lassen die Vergangenheit wo sie ist
"Leave the Past Where it is"
Laissons le passé où il est
Alex.
Mello continued staring dumbfounded for a minute, simply allowing the name to sink in. His voice was caught in the back of his throat, and he couldn't even form words. Finally, he managed to stumble out: "A-a-a-Alex? Th-th- "THE" Alex?"
Matt seemed just as lost for words. His mouth was still slightly open, his green eyes open wide, staring in even more disbelief than Mello. "Y-yeah," he whispered, his voice faint.
This time, when Mello looked back at the blond boy, he studied him carefully. His hair was a bright, platinum blond (Mello wondered if he had dyed it), that was cut short in the back, and left long in the front. The back of his hair was spiked slightly, and his bangs were swept to the side, almost coming to below his chin on both sides of his face. He had bright, radiant, ice blue eyes. Then Mello's eyes came to rest upon the black substance smeared around the top of his eyes, on the eyelids: eyeliner. Thick, black eyeliner that would have made Bill Kaulitz's eyes look naked in comparison. However, the overly-done eyeliner only seemed to help in making his eyes stand out even more. Compared to this boy, Mello felt unworthy in terms of appearance. Alex was beautiful.
Despite Mello's critical -and rather unwelcome- stare, Alex managed a small smile. "Alex," he said, nodding slightly. "Alex Garnier."
Mello couldn't stifle the laugh that escaped his throat. "G-Garnier?" he said, biting his lower lip to keep from smiling. "Like the shampoo?"
Matt rolled his eyes and sighed. "Yes."
To Mello's surprise, Alex laughed. "You isn't the first person to comment on that," he said, thoroughly amused. His blue eyes sparkled, and Mello could feel a surge of jealousy seep through his veins.
Marc had been right in mentioning that Alex's English wasn't perfect. It was like a Scandinavian speaking English with a French accent.
"Look, I'm uh – I'm going to go talk to Marc about this, okay?" Matt said, shifting uncomfortably. He immediately darted out of the room, towards where Marc had disappeared.
As Matt disappeared, Mello focused on Alex again. He was staring around the room, at nothing in particular, seemingly not uncomfortable in the least. Mello felt that he should at least attempt to be polite. "Uh, you wanna sit down, or...something?" he offered, gesturing towards the couch.
"Oh, thank you," Alex said, smiling as he took a seat. Mello, rather reluctantly, sat down beside him.
They didn't say anything for a few minutes. Alex sat leaned against the back of the couch, his legs crossed (Mello wondered how it was possible for a guy to even sit like that), and Mello took this time to regard his clothes. He was wearing tight dark-faded denim jeans that also piqued Mello's curiosity of how any guy could wear jeans that tight. Underneath the gray jacket he wore was a black T-shirt with – NO. No fucking way, it couldn't be...
"You...like Bill Kaulitz?" Mello asked, staring down at the shirt, which sure enough had the singer's face plastered on it.
"Oh, absolutely," Alex replied. He then noticed Mello's expression. "What? Is something wrong?"
"Uh, n-no, nothing. It's just... Matt uh -"
"Oh, yeah, I know." Alex laughed. "He had heard never of the band before I forced him to listen to it."
So that was it. Mello could feel his hands clench slightly around the leather sofa. "I see." His gaze flickered, but he quickly recovered himself and looked back up at Alex. "So uh, how long does it take you to get that eyeliner off anyway?" he asked, amused, but more of making fun of him than anything.
"Hm, I am not sure," he mused, giving a small shrug of his shoulders. "I hasn't timed it before."
Mello only nodded, an eyebrow raised. As Alex reached up to bite his nails, Mello noticed he was wearing black nail-polish. Seeing this, the blond couldn't resist. "So you uh, you're pretty much the stereotypical gay male, aren't you?" He couldn't help but ask.
Alex laughed. "Oh, I am not gay."
Mello raised an eyebrow.
"I like boys and girls," he answered cheerfully.
Before Mello could reply, Matt showed up in the room. "Uh, why don't we go upstairs?" he said to Mello, and then looked at Alex, his expression emotionless. "Viens."
XxX
"Wow, this room is much better than at home!" Alex commented cheerfully in French.
The three boys were now in the guest room upstairs, a ways down the hall from Matt and Mello's room. Alex was sitting on the large, double bed, looking around in wonder at the room, similar to how Mello had first surveyed the house.
"Uh, thanks," Matt replied, standing close to the doorway and leaning up against the wall.
Alex looked over at Matt and then his eyes traveled curiously to Mello. "I don't thinks that I have your name," he said, walking over to the two boys.
"It's Mello," Mello said.
"A nickname?" Alex guessed, raising an eyebrow.
"You got it, shampoo-boy." Mello gave a small smirk, and Matt elbowed him sharply in the ribs.
Alex didn't seem bothered by the comment. "So you are Matt's...?" he trailed off.
"He's a friend," Matt interrupted quickly, looking down at the ground. He could feel the burning death glare that Mello sent his way.
"I see," said Alex knowingly.
"Look, Mello -" Matt said, not looking at the other boy still. "Would you leave us alone for a little while?"
Though Matt knew that this was the last thing Mello wanted to do, the blond promptly went out the door with a snappish, "Klar, kein Problem," and slammed the door loudly behind him.
Then it was just he and Alex.
"I suppose Marc told you all about me, huh?" Alex asked, switching to French, as he once more crossed his legs and perched himself on the bed.
Matt shook his head. "What happened to you, Alex?" he said, also speaking French. "Drugs? Are you serious!"
The blond in front of him gave a bored sigh. "People change."
"That so?" Matt said, crossing his arms tightly against his chest. "I don't get it... were you doing all this when we were dating?"
"Of course not!" Alex said, though his eyes faltered a bit.
"Oh, I see. So it's just something new, is it?"
"Please, Matt..." he pleaded. "Just pretend you don't know me."
"Pretend that I-!" Matt cried incredulously. "You left me when my parents died! When I needed you the most!"
Alex's gaze immediately fell to the floor, and his reply was soft. "I know. I'm sorry."
"Sorry? That's all you have to say! After what you did-!"
Alex's eyes lowered again, ashamed. "I don't know what else to say..."
Hot tears of fury and hurt sprung into Matt's eyes. He could feel his hands clench into fists at his side. "You left me..."
"I know, I was selfish," Alex said regretfully. "I'm sorry. I don't know what else to say..."
Matt didn't know, either, honestly. What did he expect, for the boy to grovel at his feet? To cry and plead and beg for Matt to forgive him?
No, that was above Alex. He was much too arrogant to ask forgiveness. Then again, was he? He'd barely been here five minutes, and already Matt could tell he had changed. The Alex that Matt knew would have strode into the living room behind Marc, head held high and a confident smirk on his face. Instead, he'd entered like a timid child, eyes downcast and quiet. He had changed; he was different.
With a heavy sigh, Matt gave into defeat and was silent.
"Look," Alex said. "I know I was wrong in what I did. You needed me the most, and I abandoned you. I know it was stupid and selfish. I don't expect you to forgive me," he said softly.
He was actually saying it. Maybe not in the context Matt had imagined, but he'd mentioned forgiving, at least.
"Whatever," Matt muttered, and it was his turn to look at the ground.
"Matt, I swear, if I'd had any idea that Marc was your uncle -"
"I know," Matt finished with a sigh. "Look, just uh – get some sleep, or whatever. I'm going to bed," he turned towards the door, but Alex's voice stopped him.
"So is Mello really just your friend?" he inquired.
Matt didn't answer. He wordlessly opened the door, and strode into the hallway, closing it sharply behind him.
XxX
Mello was sitting on Matt's bed when he entered the room, his arms crossed and a severely pissed look on his face.
"Look, Mello -"
The blond shook his head and stood up from the bed. For a second, Matt thought the other boy might hit him. However Mello did nothing more than stare. "So I'm just your friend, am I?" he said sharply, his eyes locked on Matt's.
"Mello, please, I-"
Mello shook his head again and gave a disgusted sigh. "Save it." He headed towards the door, but Matt reached out and grabbed his wrist, stopping him.
"Mello, I'm sorry, okay? I just – I was surprised, that's all. I mean, Alex is kind of the last person I'd ever expect to show up here!"
"I still don't see the need to lie about who I am," the other boy said icily.
"I'm sorry," Matt apologized. "I shouldn't have said that. I just said the first thing that came to mind." He sighed and gave Mello a pleading look. "It's just, stressful, okay? Give me a break, okay? Please?"
Mello hesitated, but finally sighed and gave in, shrugging out of Matt's grip and heading towards the bed. "Whatever."
"Mello..." Matt went over and wrapped his arms around the other boy, pulling him close against him. "I'm sorry, okay?" He kissed the blond gently on the cheek. "I just got overwhelmed. I never imagined I'd even see Alex again. I'm sorry," he repeated.
Mello was silent for a minute, but then gave a sigh. "I'm sorry, too. I guess I overreacted. We've seemed to be doing nothing but fighting lately, and I'm sick of it. Let's just forget this whole thing, alright?"
"Forgotten." Matt turned him around and pressed their lips together. "Let's get some sleep, okay?" He tucked a strand of blond hair behind Mello's ear.
"Alright," Mello agreed softly, before enfolding Matt in his arms again. He buried his face against the redhead's shirt and inhaled deeply. "I love you," he whispered.
"I love you too," Matt replied, returning the embrace and kissing the top of Mello's head. "And I promise, Alex being here is not going to change that."
XxX
"Who!" Emil's voice sounded on the other end of the phone.
"Alex, his ex-boyfriend," Mello whispered, holding the phone close to his mouth. It was past twelve midnight, and he was standing in the downstairs hallway, having snuck out of bed, talking on the phone resting on a nightstand.
"W-well is he hot?" Emil asked.
"Are you kidding!" Mello replied. "He's gorgeous!" He gave a sigh. "And he's French."
"What's that got to do with anything?" Emil asked curiously.
"Because he has that damn sexy French accent," Mello answered desolately.
"You think French accents are sexy?" Emil said, and for some reason his voice seemed to brighten at this thought. However he quickly reverted back to his usual monotone and changed the subject. "Never mind. Anyway...well, Jesus... If Matt said Alex wouldn't come between you two, he must have meant it. I know he cares about you, and even if it seems like you've been fighting a lot, I'm sure it'll get better. You have to accept that this all is really difficult for him right now. I mean, his ex-boyfriend showed up on his doorstep after leaving him when his parents died. It was a shock."
"Yeah, I guess you're right. But since when are you on Matt's side?"
Emil gave a small laugh. "I'm not taking sides, I'm just explaining things logically."
"Yeah, I guess," Mello sighed. "I just feel so inferior. He's so perfect..." the blond moaned in despair.
"I doubt that's true. Even if he's hot, that doesn't mean he's perfect. And do you really think Matt would want to get back with the guy who dumped him when his parents died?"
"You'd be surprised. People get back with abusive partners, partners that treat them like complete shit. It wouldn't surprise me at all if he did. And besides, if you saw the guy, you'd understand."
"Just...go easy on Matt, okay? It's not his fault Alex is there. I mean, it's not as if there was any way for Marc to know that they already knew each other," Emil said.
"Yeah, yeah," Mello rolled his eyes, even though Emil couldn't see over the phone. "Anyway, I guess I should get back to bed."
"Alright. Sweet dreams," Emil said, and though his voice was in that joking, loving manner that couples used with each other, Mello knew he was being serious.
"'Night," he replied. "Sweet dreams." He couldn't help but smile.
"Oh, wait! I almost forgot to tell you-!" Emil began.
"What?" Mello asked, the phone halfway to the receiver. He quickly put it back up to his ear.
"Well, you know my aunt lives down in Munich, right?" Emil said, his voice anxious, as though he couldn't wait to tell the next part.
"Yeah, and...?"
"Well, I was just thinking... you know, about coming to stay with her for a while this summer. I could even visit you and Matt! I mean, if you don't mind. And M-Matt doesn't mind," he added, his voice slightly deflated.
"Of course we don't mind!" Mello said. "I'd love to see you." He smiled. "I've missed you."
"You have?" Emil sounded surprised.
"Of course I have," Mello laughed, as though it should have been obvious.
"I've missed you, too," Emil replied, his voice quiet. "A lot." For a moment he sounded depressed, but then he quickly brightened up. "Anyway, good night! I'll talk to you soon, okay?"
"'kay. Goodnight," Mello repeated.
He could of sworn that the boy on the other end of the phone paused for a minute, as though wanting to say something else. However the next moment Mello could hear the soft 'click' that meant he'd hung up.
Just as Mello set the phone back down on the receiver, he heard a noise from a room nearby that made him jump. It was too dark to see much, but he could view a dim light down the hall, coming from the kitchen.
Slowly, he crept down the hall, keeping close to the wall, and listened. A soft clattering noise could be heard from the room, and Mello moved a bit closer to the doorway, just enough to peek briefly inside. A tall, blond figure was in the room, looking through the cabinets, occasionally taking junk food down.
His heart gave a jolt.
It was Alex.
As quietly as he could, Mello walked into the kitchen, simply standing there while Alex continued exploring the pantry. It wasn't until the other boy turned completely around that he noticed Mello and took a step back.
"Oh, uh, hi," he said quietly, his eyes slightly surprised. "You couldn't sleep either?"
"You couldn't sleep?"
"Not really," Alex replied, and Mello noticed that he was fidgeting. His right hand kept moving over to scratch his left forearm, even though there didn't appear to be anything there causing itching. Maybe it was just a habit. The thick black eyeliner wasn't on his eyes, and he looked like an almost completely different person without it. "I uh, doesn't sleep well during the night," he said, stammering a bit over the words as though he was nervous.
"Looking for something?" Mello asked, eying the food spread all over the counter.
"Oh, uh," Alex smiled and blushed a little. "Hungry." He turned back and picked up a bag of chips. "Do you thinks that they'll care?"
Mello gave a shrug, suddenly taking pity on him. "Matt will just think I ate it."
Slumping down into a chair opposite Mello, Alex opened the bag and proceeded with eating a few chips. "I doesn't know why, I'm just really hungry at night." Glancing down at the bag, he held it out towards the boy in front of him. "Want some?"
"Uh, sure." Mello suddenly felt like his own stomach was very empty, and he never was one to pass up an opportunity for food. He reached in the bag and took out his own handful of chips.
Alex continued eating for a minute, and then looked at Mello very carefully, as though trying to decide how to say something. "Listen..." he began slowly, and then paused. "First, my English is terrible, so if I'm hard to understand, I'm sorry." He sighed. "Second, please believe me when I says that I'm not here to take Matt away from you. I'm just here because of Marc."
Mello crossed his arms, his gaze fixed on the floor. "I know," he mumbled.
"What Matt and I had is over, I promise you. And if I knew that Marc was his uncle, I wouldn't have-"
"I know," Mello surprised himself by saying. "It's not your fault."
A small smile fleeted across Alex's face. "Thank you." He sighed. "I suppose then, that you don't like me, huh?"
"I don't dislike you..." Mello muttered, even though it was only half-true. "And wait -!" he began, suddenly realizing something. "How'd you know Matt and I-?"
Alex laughed, and Mello blushed. "Oh, I'm not stupid. I saw the look on your face when Matt said that you is just a friend" He paused. "If I was you, I would be pissed that he said that."
Mello managed an indifferent shrug, even though it had severely pissed him off. "It's fine."
"So...where did you two meet, anyway?"
"Summer camp," Mello said.
"Summer camp?" Alex snorted. "Serious?"
"I know, that's the last place you'd imagine him," Mello said, slightly exasperated.
"Yeah, a little," Alex replied with a laugh.
"Anyway, I guess I should be going back to bed..." Mello began, standing up from the table.
"Yeah," Alex agreed, smiling slightly. "Good night."
"Er...'night," Mello said uncomfortably, before turning and walking towards the doorway, out into the hall, and trudging up the stairs towards the bedroom.
XxX
Matt opened his eyes when he felt a weight on the other side of the bed.
"Mmm...Mello?" he gave a yawn and rolled over on his side to see the blond just now crawling into the bed. "Where you were?" he muttered sleepily. "I mean...where were you?" He reached over and wrapped an arm around the other boy's waist, snuggling close.
"Nowhere, just getting a drink of water," Mello lied. He laid down beside Matt and curled up beside him, resting his head against his chest. "Good night."
"..mm...night..." A few seconds later, Matt was snoring again.
XxX
The next morning, Matt woke up to find the spot next to him in the bed empty. It wasn't the fact that Mello was already up that surprised him; the odd thing was that Mello hadn't woken him up. Usually the blond would shake Matt awake as soon as he had gotten up. However this morning, the side next to him was cold, suggesting that Mello had been awake for a while. Matt figured he must have been considerate and just let him sleep in.
Changing into a clean pair of clothes, Matt brushed out his hair as best he could before heading downstairs. Alex and Mello were both in the living room watching television, while Marc was in the kitchen cooking. The windows were up, and a light breeze floated throughout the house. One thing Matt absolutely loved about summer was the nice weather; it gave him a relaxed, peaceful feeling.
As he stepped into the living room, Alex and Mello both turned towards him. Alex hadn't changed out of the T-shirt and sweatpants he'd worn to bed, but his hair was straightened and neatly fixed, and the thick black eyeliner back on his eyelids. He was wearing a dark gray cotton jacket and fiddling with a thin gray cotton headband that he was wearing as a choker around his neck. "Ah, bonjour!" Alex said cheerfully. "T'veux regarder la télé?" He asked.
"Non merci," Matt replied through clenched teeth, before stalking into the kitchen.
When he slammed the refrigerator door closed after getting a drink, Marc looked up at him curiously. "Something wrong?" he asked.
"No," Matt replied, though the look on his face clearly contradicted that.
"Oui, oui, sûr..." Marc raised an eyebrow, but didn't press the matter further. "So, I was thinking... It's a pretty day, why don't the three of you go out to town or something?"
Matt gave an indifferent shrug. "Where is there to go?"
"I don't know," Marc said. "The movies, shopping..."
"We're boys. Girls go shopping," Matt said dryly.
A small smile tugged at the corners of Marc's mouth. "Still, wouldn't it be nice to get out for a while?"
"Are you just saying this to get us to leave?" Matt asked skeptically.
"Of course not," Marc replied. "I just think that it's normal for a teenage boy to get out once in a while." He shrugged. "But by all means, do what you want."
"And isn't it 'normal' for a thirty-seven year old man to be married, or at least dating?" Matt said, raising an eyebrow.
"Hey, when do I have time to date with all of my work?" Marc asked, turning and smiling at his nephew. "Just take my advice Matt, and have some fun for once."
"I have fun," Matt protested.
"Oh really?" Marc replied. "How, exactly?"
Matt blushed a little and shifted uncomfortably. "I just...do, okay?"
"Sure, whatever," Marc laughed.
"Fine," Matt gave in. "If it'll make you happy, we'll go somewhere this week." He held up his hands in surrender. "Happy?"
Marc shrugged, pretending to be indifferent. "I'm not forcing you to do anything."
"You're unbelievably annoying, you know that?" Matt said, shaking his head. "No wonder you and Mello get along so well."
Marc grinned. "You think so?"
XxX
Matt was sitting in his room later that afternoon when he heard a soft knock on the door.
"Come in," he called rather half-heartedly from his place on the window seat, where he was reading a book he'd dug out of his closet.
The doorknob turned, and the door softly creaked open, Alex walking into the room a moment later. Matt's eyes flickered up once, regarding Alex with a distasteful expression before going back down to his book, though he wasn't even reading it now. "What do you want?" he said tightly.
Alex stood awkwardly a few feet from the window, glancing from the floor to Matt every few seconds, wringing his hands nervously in front of him. "Look, can we just...talk?" he said, shrugging his shoulders hopelessly.
"What is there to talk about?"
"Everything," Alex replied with a heavy sigh, sitting down on the bed. "I know you hate me, I can't change that. But please, can we at least just act civil about this?" His voice was almost pleading.
Matt was silent for a while, debating things in his head. Finally, he spoke. "I don't hate you," he said softly, not taking his eyes off of the book.
"Could've fooled me," Alex said with a dry laugh.
"How do you expect me to act?" Matt asked.
"Well, you don't want Marc to know that we know each other, however if you act like you can't stand me, he might sense something is up."
"I'm not acting like I can't stand you."
"Right," Alex said sarcastically. He took a deep breath and thought for a minute. "So is Mello really just your friend?"
"What's it to you?" Matt replied snappishly.
Alex shrugged. "Just curious." He paused. "It just seems like you two are more than friends to me."
"So what if we are?" Matt retorted. "It's none of your business who I date."
"Do you love him?"
"Huh?" this time, Matt looked up at Alex, surprised.
"Do you love him?" Alex repeated simply, staring Matt in the face.
"W-well of course I do," Matt replied. "What the hell are you getting at?"
"It just looks to me like, if you really loved him, you would tell Marc that the two of you were together. Yet your uncle doesn't even know you like guys." Alex shrugged, pretending to be indifferent, though Matt could tell he was trying to be a prick.
"I don't need you giving me advice," Matt snapped.
"I'm not giving you advice, I'm simply stating my opinion," Alex answered smoothly.
"Well it isn't necessary."
To his surprise, Alex gave a soft, amused laugh. "You know, you actually haven't changed that much." He shook his head, in an almost affectionate way. "Putting on a tough exterior when you're really just a scared little child inside."
"Just shut up!" Matt half-screamed. "What the hell do you know, anyway!"
Alex simply shrugged and stood up from the bed. "I guess I shouldn't have tried talking to you." He headed for the door. "I'll see you at dinner, then." Softly, he opened and closed the door.
XxX
Mello wasn't quite sure what compelled him to knock on the other boy's door that night, but for some reason he found himself standing in the hallway, waiting for an answer from within the room. It was around ten at night, and Matt had already fallen asleep. Mello -bored- had found nothing better to do than this, so therefore he was now shifting awkwardly from foot to foot while mentally debating whether or not to turn around.
"Come in," came a voice a few seconds later, and Mello opened the door, slowly stepping inside. The blond boy inside looked up at him as he entered and gave a half-smile as the door shut behind him. "Is this that you want something?" He asked pleasantly.
"Uh, no -I, uh, just..." Mello ran a hand through his hair, unable to find a logical reason for his unexpected visit. "I just thought that maybe we could, uh...talk?" He shrugged, blushing a little.
"Sûr, about what?" Alex asked, setting down the book he was reading and turning to face Mello on the bed as the other boy sat down.
"W-well, uh..." Once more, Mello couldn't find an answer. "Just...whatever." He shrugged again, his eyes fixed on the blankets as he wrung his hands in his lap. Alex was sitting unfazed in front of him, calmly, as though he wasn't uncomfortable in the least. How was it that the other boy could always act so relaxed, even in the tensest of situations?
"Okay..." Alex gave an amused sort of laugh. "Like what?"
"Well uh...I was wondering, um – well, why you were in foster care to begin with?" Mello said quietly. It was true that this was a question he'd been wanting to ask since he'd met Alex, but had refrained out of courtesy and manners. He'd figured it an utmost rude question to ask, but considering the circumstances, he figured he might as well get it out of the way.
"Oh, uh -" For once, Alex seemed to puzzle over a response. His brow furrowed as though he was thinking it over, and he bit his bottom lip thoughtfully. "Well, my mom was uh – not so great."
Mello resisted the impulse to laugh at the simple irony of that statement; oh, how he could empathise. Though it wasn't as if he would ever tell the other boy this.
"And uh, she started drinking, taking drugs, and uh – did not pay much attention to me, so when they checked it all and saw how we lived, they arrested her and took me away." He shrugged, as though the matter was truly that simple. "What did you expect?" he laughed.
"I-I dunno," Mello mumbled, truthfully. "What about your dad?"
"I never knew him," Alex replied breezily. "I lived with my mom and her boyfriend."
"Oh, well – what happened to him?"
This time, he could sense Alex tense slightly, and saw the other boy shift uncomfortably. "Well..." he began slowly. "He is in jail."
"Jail?" Mello glanced up to read the other boy's face, which was dead serious, his eyes fixed on the wall. "For what?"
"...sexual abuse."
"O-oh... uh, of who?" Mello asked, but as he saw Alex's gaze lower, he suddenly understood. "O-oh! Oh, uh...wow, I uh, I'm sorry, I uh...th-that's awful, uh..." He found himself at a loss for words, jolted by both the surprise and the awkwardness.
"Hm, no big thing." Alex shrugged and brushed it off.
"So when...?" Mello trailed off, wondering if it would be more polite just to let the sensitive topic drop.
"Since I was eleven," Alex replied, trying to appear nonchalant though at the same time not meeting Mello's gaze. "My mom didn't believe me at first, until she saw it for herself. She was so angry she forced him to leave and he was arrested for another charge sometime later."
"I'm sorry," Mello said, shaking his head in disbelief. "That must have sucked, all of it..."
Alex simply shrugged again, feigning a smile. "It is over now, anyway, non? I just try and forget."
"It doesn't seem like anyone could forget something like that," Mello muttered. He was quiet for a minute, and then a sudden thought occurred to him. "Say...did your mother ever...hit you?" he asked quietly, his eyes flickering from the bed-covers to Alex, and then back again.
"Hit me?" Alex repeated. "Hm... well, yeah, sometimes. When she had too much to drink or something. Why?" He regarded Mello closely. "Your mom hits you?" he asked softly.
Mello could feel his heart skip a beat, and he kept his gaze carefully controlled on the wall just behind Alex. "S-sometimes," he said quietly.
To his surprise, he felt a gentle hand on his shoulder. "That isn't your fault, you know. There is nothing for be ashamed of."
A dry laugh came from Mello's throat. "Nothing to be ashamed of, huh?"
"Well, why be ashamed of something beyond your control?" Alex said.
"I guess...I never thought that."
"Everyone has moments that they isn't very proud of. Everyone has problems. It is just...how you endure with them that matters. How you go through it."
"I just...don't know what to do," Mello said hopelessly.
"Matt knows?"
"Y-yeah, he knows...some of it," Mello admitted. "But he just worries."
"Of course he worries. He loves you." Alex smiled. "You is lucky to have someone who loves you so deeply."
Mello gave another stale laugh. "Yeah, well uh, right now it doesn't seem that way."
"People go through hard times. But things will work out. Matt endures with a lot right now." He sighed. "It is my fault, I am afraid."
"Your fault?" Mello repeated, his eyes snapping back up to the other boy's face.
"It's because I'm here that Matt is so stressed..." An apologetic look crossed Alex's face. "But he loves you, I can see. Please don't let me here change that."
"He won't tell his uncle," Mello said. "And I don't understand. Last summer, he had no problem with the guys knowing, yet he won't tell Marc. And he says he doesn't care what people think..."
Alex surprised him by laughing. "Is that what he told you?"
"What?" Mello demanded. "Did he lie?"
The other boy paused, and bit his lower lip as though he was trying not to smile. "Matt has always, um...tried to appear indifferent. In reality, he is afraid for people to know who he is really. He wants to not care, but sometimes he can't helps it."
"Afraid?" Mello repeated.
"Matt has always been afraid to get close to people. More so after dating me, I am afraid... Back in France, when everyone discovered... it was a nightmare for him. The few friends he had abandoned him. He has just always tried to hide who he is really, for fear that those who know him will not like him if they know."
"But, Marc is his uncle – family! I mean..."
"Yes, but you go tell any of your family?"
"W-well, no, but – that's different!" Mello said.
"Even if Marc would not care, Matt is just comfortable to live the lie and hide who really he is. It is as simple as that."
As simple as that.
"So you're saying he'd rather just pretend his whole life?"
"Maybe not his whole life," Alex said. "Just, right now...he feels that is easiest. He will not get close to anyone easily – even his own uncle."
"But he got close to me!" Mello protested hopelessly.
"And how well does you know him really?" Alex replied knowingly.
Mello was rendered silent. What Alex had said was undeniably true, no matter how one looked at it.
"Mello... have you and Matt ever had sex?" Alex asked.
"Wh-what? N-no, no, we haven't..." Mello answered, his voice deflating a bit with the last word.
"I see," Alex mused thoughtfully.
"Well, have you ever...? With anyone?"
Alex thought for a minute, and then shrugged his shoulders. "Sûr, a few times. It is not as big a thing as everyone makes it. At least, not for me."
"So...what is it like? Sex?" Mello asked, blushing a little as his gaze faltered.
The other boy laughed and ran a hand through his blond hair, before beginning to fiddle with the thin cotton headband still wrapped around his neck. "Well, when it is with the person who you love, it is wonderful." He smiled.
"What about...well, you know..." Mello trailed off.
"Ah, I see," Alex said knowingly. "Well, it hurts, of course. But then it feels wonderful – at least, if the other person knows what they do," he laughed.
"Do you think Matt and I ever will?" Mello asked softly.
"Oh, sûr," Alex said, smiling. "Just give him time to adjust to things right now. He can being very stubborn, but he is really just about as experienced as you." He laughed.
XxX
Mello didn't go up to his and Matt's room that night. Instead, he curled up under numerous blankets on the couch and watched television, without really paying attention to the shows. He kept brooding over what Alex had told him, and the way Matt had always acted, directly contradicting all the statements he'd made saying that he didn't care what people thought. What Alex had said fit more with Matt's behaviour than anything. After all, it was human nature to care what other people thought. Mello could feel a certain twisted anger and betrayal settle within him. Matt had deliberately lied to him, said he had never lied when Alex had said that he did. Who was to believe? Mello had certainly known Matt longer, but he couldn't help but feel more content with what Alex had said. Alex had dated Matt, Alex knew him -better than Mello did, possibly. Then again, why wouldn't Alex lie? He obviously didn't care about Matt, his childhood was enough to tell Mello that the other boy was more messed up than he'd first thought, and what would it matter to him if this bit of information destroyed Mello and Matt's relationship? Perhaps that was what he had been aiming for.
"What are you doing down here?"
At the sound of Matt's voice behind him, all of the anger and betrayal that Mello had been feeling moments before came back in one fell swoop. He turned around to look at the other boy, no distinguishable expression on his face. "I thought I'd sleep down here tonight," he replied, rather stiffly.
"What? Why?" Matt said, bewildered.
"Just want to."
"Mello, what's wrong?" Matt walked over and sat beside him on the couch. He reached over to place a hand on his shoulder, but Mello slapped it away. "Hey – what'd I do?" Matt asked, sounding hurt.
"You're never going to tell Marc about us, are you?" Mello said flatly, turning to stare steadily in Matt's eyes.
"This again?" the redhead sighed.
"It's true, though. You're never going to tell him," Mello stated. "Because however indifferent you try and act, you're really nothing but a coward."
"What!"
"I talked to Alex, okay?" Mello said softly.
"Oh, so now you're listening to what he says?" Matt scoffed angrily. "I have news for you, Mello: Alex LIES."
"But it's so obviously true, Matt!" Mello retorted, standing up from the couch and whirling around to face Matt, who was still sitting, stunned. "You won't tell your uncle, you refuse to get close to anyone, and you're just pretending to be something you aren't! You hide behind the stupid mask and façade that you've created just so you won't get hurt!" he suddenly stopped, realizing he had been yelling. Matt was sitting, frozen, staring at Mello in a slight shock. When he didn't respond, however, Mello felt compelled to continue. "You're too comfortable in your lies! You're a coward!"
"Fine!" Matt finally spoke, standing up from the couch himself. "You're right, okay! Happy! You're right! And you know what else! The only reason I told those boys at camp last summer was because I knew I'd never see them again! And I was only trying to help you. I knew they'd give you hell if I didn't say something. Had that not been the situation, I never would have told anyone there!"
"You're pathetic!" Mello cried. "You lied to me! You told me that you never lied about it, that you weren't ashamed! Yet, here you are, so ashamed of who you are and so afraid of being hurt -because of whatever shit happened in France- that you won't even tell your last living family that you like guys! You're nothing but a coward! I hate -!"
The last word never left his mouth.
Matt didn't register what he was doing. All he was aware of was lunging forward, grabbing the other boy's wrists in his hands and pushing him down to the floor, hard, pinning the blond beneath him. He straddled him with his legs and sat for a few seconds, breathing deeply to control the sudden anger boiling within him. He could feel his hands tighten subconsciously around the blond's wrists.
Then he saw Mello's eyes. They were wide, terrified, frozen. And it was with the pure adamant terror that Matt had only seen him show to one person, last summer.
His mother.
A sudden feeling of shame washed over Matt, and he slowly released Mello's wrists, sliding off of the other boy and resting on the floor. Mello sat up, shaking slightly as he held his wrist and regarded Matt, tears welling in his eyes.
"Mello..."
Before Matt could even find words to say that could possibly make up for what he had just done, Mello had stood up and disappeared into the hallway, his footsteps fading up the stairs.
XxX
Mello couldn't see where he was going. All he registered next, as he ran blindly through the hall, was a pair of arms catch him in his tracks and pull him close. He buried his face against their chest and breathed in deeply, trying to stop crying. Whoever it was who had caught him, they were warm. Mello felt an almost instant feeling of contentment wash over him, and he clung to them, sobbing into their shoulder. He didn't care who it was at this point. Though he did think he might strangle Alex when he regained enough composure.
But it wasn't Alex's voice that spoke into his ear.
It was Marc's.
At that moment, Mello wanted nothing more than to tell Marc everything, to expose all of Matt's lies, to confide in Marc and ask what he should do. But he couldn't. He just couldn't. Unable to choke out any words, Mello simply clung to Marc and sobbed; sobbed for the parents that hated him, for the friend whose feelings he couldn't reciprocate, for the lie he was being forced to keep, and simply because he really, really, felt like crying.
XxX
"Are you okay now?"
Mello nodded, staring down into the warm cup of tea that Marc had placed in his hands. They were sitting in Marc's study, Mello finally having stopped crying, and Marc patiently awaiting any explanation from the blond as to why he had been crying in the first place.
"Do you...want to talk?" Marc asked gently, sitting -not behind his desk- but beside Mello on the dark red leather sofa in the room.
Truthfully, Mello did want to talk. He wanted to tell Marc everything, but something held him back.
"Did you and Matt have a fight?" Marc guessed, and Mello nodded, hot tears springing back into his eyes.
Marc put a comforting arm around the blond's shoulders. "I suppose you won't tell me what it was about?" he sighed.
Slowly, Mello shook his head.
"Look, Mello, whatever you tell me is held in confidence. I won't tell Matt you told me, and if I can, I'd like to help you."
"It's nothing," Mello muttered. "Just stuff."
"Stuff can be a lot of things. Want to be more specific?"
Mello gave a sort of dry laugh. "Just stuff. Nothing major."
"It must have been pretty major for you to be crying like that."
The blond was silent, unable to meet Marc's eyes. He thought it over carefully, slowly, to make the words come out just right. "Did you ever know someone who acted like they didn't care what people thought, but when it mattered, they would go to great lengths just to hide who they really are?"
"Well, everyone cares what people think. Try as much as you want, but it's human nature." Marc smiled. "But no one should be ashamed of who they are or how they feel. If someone pretends and hides their entire life, they'll forget who they even are."
Mello couldn't help but think the last line sounded exactly like what Leo had told Tobi in 'Sommersturm'.
"But what if they won't even tell their family who they are?" Mello asked quietly.
"If someone gets too comfortable pretending, sometimes it can be hard to break away from that. They may feel like showing anyone -even their own family- is a sign of weakness on their part. They may want to act like they can solve all their problems on their own, even when they can't. They might feel that confiding in someone else makes them look weak and incapable. And for someone who has been hurt, it may be really hard for them to trust anyone to be aware of that weakness."
"Even family?"
"Even family," Marc nodded.
It was true that Alex was probably responsible for much of how Matt was now: reluctant to trust anyone, appearing indifferent, while really hiding behind a façade. At the same time Mello was furious with him, he couldn't help but feel sympathy towards Matt. Not to mention the growing desire to choke Alex until the other boy was gasping for breath.
"You asked me if I knew someone like that?" Marc asked, and Mello nodded. "I did," Marc said.
"Who?" the blond questioned.
"Myself."
"You?"
"I was young once," Marc said. "I had problems just like anyone else. I know what it's like to be alone, and feel like there's no one you can talk to. That's one reason I decided to be a Social Worker; so I could help kids like that." He paused and gave a sigh. "Mello, I know Matt cares about you. Everyone fights, so don't take all the angry things he says to heart, because I guarantee you that he doesn't mean half of them."
It hadn't necessarily been something Matt had said that had made Mello so upset, but he didn't feel like explaining this to Marc. "I know..." he said. "Everything has just been...tense lately." He pulled his feet up on the couch and hugged his knees to his chest. "It seems like we're always fighting lately, and I don't even know why anymore."
"Well..." Marc said slowly. "I'm not sure how much help I can be if I don't know what these fights are about," he stated.
"Nothing. Everything."
"That's quite a span of things that it could be about," Marc reasoned.
"I should go," Mello set, setting the now-empty cup on a nearby table and standing up from the couch. "Thanks again, for...you know."
Marc smiled. "I'm here anytime."
XxX
Matt was sitting on the bed when Mello arrived in the room, and he immediately jumped up, apology written all over his face. "Mello, I'm so sorry!" he began, shaking his head. "I swear I didn't mean to do that, and everything else, I – I'm so sorry...!" His voice shook.
To his surprise, Mello walked over and wordlessly wrapped his arms around Matt's neck, burying his face in his shoulder. "Forget it." He sighed. "I don't want to fight with you anymore. I don't care anymore, I just don't." He pulled back and looked into Matt's green eyes before leaning forward and pressing his lips gently to the redhead's, pushing Matt back on the bed and straddling his lap.
Reacting mostly out of instinct, Matt pulled the blond closer and deepened the kiss. He wrapped his arms around the other boy and drew him close until their bodies were pressed together, and he could feel the blond's knee rubbing between his legs. This caused a small little spasm of pleasure to spread from his groin all throughout his body, and he concealed the gasp that would've escaped him otherwise. Gripping Mello tightly by both shoulders, Matt mustered up enough force to push the other boy off of him and pin the blond beneath him on the bed, panting. "You ... you'll never give up with this, will you?" he gasped.
"I have yet to completely turn you on," Mello commented. "I'm just trying to experiment with my boundaries." He smiled slightly.
"Well you've just about reached your limit, so quit it," Matt ordered.
"Why are you so adamant about this anyway?" Mello asked, raising an eyebrow. "I mean, the whole point to ending an argument is to have great makeup sex. Haven't you seen the movies?"
Matt rolled his eyes. "Look, I already told you my reasons for not wanting to. And tonight especially isn't the right time for this – especially with Alex here, and everything else that's going on... I- I have too much on my mind, okay?"
"But you aren't a woman, Matt. Sex helps men forget what's on their mind," Mello reasoned. "Or...do you just wish that I was Alex instead?"
"Of course not!" Matt said. "Don't be ridiculous."
"Good, because from what he's told me, you would not be his first," Mello said nonchalantly.
Despite himself, Matt couldn't help but be curious. "Wh-what do you mean?"
"Let's just say he is the last thing you would want to touch, and not just because of his escapades after you two broke up."
"What's that supposed to mean!" Matt demanded.
"Forget it." Mello heaved a sigh and sat up, carelessly shrugging out of Matt's hold beneath him. "Fine, I'll respect your opinion. But tell me something, okay?"
"Uh, sure...what is it?"
"If I were a girl, and you liked girls, would we have had sex by now?" Mello asked, crossing his arms and staring Matt in the face.
"W-well, I-I don't know! Maybe...maybe not... How am I supposed to know?"
"Just answer the question."
"I don't know!" Matt repeated. "The last thing I want to do is imagine sleeping with a girl."
"So you don't like them at all, then?" the blond said curiously, sitting down on the bed.
"Of course not."
"Why?"
This question caught Matt off guard. "H-huh? What d'you mean 'why'?"
"Why don't you like girls? What turns you off about them?" Mello asked simply, shrugging his shoulders.
"I don't know..." Matt repeated again. "Mostly the emotional immaturity. All they care about is pink, and shopping, and make up, and boy bands..."
Mello giggled. "You do realise that all those things you listed are things that the stereotypical gay guy -and Alex- enjoy?"
Matt couldn't resist a laugh. "I guess you're right," he reasoned. "But...it's different with boys."
"How so?" Mello asked, cocking his head to one side.
"I don't know..." the redhead sighed. "Girls are just too clingy -"
"So am I, and a lot of other guys," Mello threw back.
"Gods, what's with all the questions?" Matt asked, pushing Mello back on the bed and straddling him. "I just don't like girls. What're you getting at?"
Mello shrugged. "Just curious. I'm not getting at anything in particular."
"Okay, so why don't you like girls?" Matt questioned.
"Because you're an option," he replied instantly, and Matt was startled.
"Because...why?"
"You are and will be the only boy I ever love. I don't like girls because they expect the boy to be the supportive one, and listen to all of their ridiculous crap. I could never find a connection with any girls that was more than friendship. But I've never liked another boy, either. Not even Emil. And I don't think I ever could love anyone else," Mello reasoned.
"You could," Matt replied. "I thought the same thing, too, with Alex." He shook his head. "When you're in love with someone, you think they'll be the only person you'll ever love. Especially your first same-gender crush. That's the hardest. Especially if they end up not feeling the same way, it can take ages to get over them. It took me a year, with Alex. But then I found you, didn't I?"
"I don't want you to be right though. I don't want to ever have to find anyone else. I only want you," the blond replied. "And I want to be the only one for you. But you've already been with Alex, so I know that it's possible for you to like someone else."
"Mello, I love you now. And I see myself loving you in the future. And at this moment in time, you have me," Matt told him. "So don't start turning everything into a Soap Opera."
Mello smiled. "But all of this seems oddly Soap Opera-ish, doesn't it?"
Matt rolled his eyes, but in an amused sort of way. "Come on, let's just go to bed. It's late, if you haven't realised it."
"Can I sleep in here, tonight, then?" Mello said.
"I don't see why not," Matt replied, crawling under the covers of the bed and turning off the bedside lamp. He could feel the blond's warm body slink in next to him and wrap an arm tightly around his waist. "Say, Mello," he said suddenly. "Turn around."
"Huh?"
"Just do it."
Though confused, the blond obeyed and turned over on his other side, facing the doorway. Matt in turn rolled over on his other side and moved closer to Mello, slipping his arm around the blond's waist and burying his face in the other boy's back. He felt Mello tense slightly in surprise, but then the blond relaxed. "I'm sorry for lying last year," Matt said softly. "It's just...when you confessed to me that night, I... I saw myself in you that night."
"Huh? What do you mean?" Mello replied.
"I had been in your place a year before. Scared, confused, afraid to let anyone know... And, I guess I told you all the things I did because I didn't want you to end up a coward like me. But...when you actually stood up there, and was going to tell all those guys you were gay, I... I think I was jealous."
"Jealous?"
"You had the courage to do what I never could, and I was jealous. So when you admitted yourself, I felt sort of...obligated...to do the same. I mean, I really didn't care what those boys thought, that was true. I'd never see them again, and I really didn't care. But still, to actually admit it... I don't think I ever could have done that if you hadn't have done it first."
"You know, it seems kind of funny thinking back, that Emil was the one who caused all of that." Mello laughed slightly.
"Yeah," Matt agreed. "It is kind of funny. He's really quite harmless when you get to know him." He moved closer to Mello under the blankets and pressed his lips gently to the other boy's shoulder.
"Why the sudden affection?" Mello commented. "Not that I'm complaining, of course."
"I'm sick of fighting," Matt sighed, closing his eyes and resting against the blond's warm body. "And I can't remember the last time we held each other like this."
"Hm..." Mello thought for a minute. "Me either." He turned over to face Matt, wrapping his arms around the redhead and scooting close against him until Matt could feel the other boy's breath on his face. "It's nice." He smiled.
"Yeah, it is..." Matt kissed the blond lightly on the lips, and reached up to run his fingers through the other boy's soft blond hair. He then closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against Mello's. "I love you."
"I love you too."
They both closed their eyes and, intertwined in each other's arms, fell to sleep shortly afterwards.
-End of Chapter 8-
Okay.
1. It gave me the worst headache to try and butcher Alex's sentences accordingly. At first, I modified all the words with 'th' to conform to a bad French accent. But then I realised it would probably get on peoples' nerves, so I changed that and just really f-ed up his sentences. But that got on my nerves too, because it sounded retarded. (his last name also was just…I just needed something funny.)
So, I just made him talk like a Scandinavian (where 'I like' is 'I likes' and so on... I don't mean to offend anyone really, I find that adorable, but I've seen many people from Scandinavia talk like that.) The reason he talks like that is because he learned his English from a Norwegian boy he met a while back (this isn't going to be said in DZS, so I figure I might as well say it now). But that's the reason.
2. I didn't even think about it until I read over some things, but Alex is my 2nd OC to have been sexually abused by an adult. I swear that was unintentional, I just have /no/ originality anymore. I watch too many Lifetime films. (*Lifetime = a channel dedicated to showing various films about abuse, drugs, wives cheating on husbands, husbands cheating on wives, wives murdering husbands, teen pregnancy, eating disorders, sex, romance, etc...)
Also, I tend to get stressed easily, and often take it out on others when I don't mean to (this goes with the whole bad relationship thing), and so a lot of that has been transferred into Matt and his actions.
