Toasty Toast
Eff couldn't believe it. He could feel a floor beneath him. Air around him. He sucked the oxygen into his new lungs, and a smile lit his face.
He was really alive.
He stood shakily, still getting used to his body. He did just get it after all. As soon as he could stand, he took in his appearance by walking to the mirror on Elizabeth's door. He wore the same clothes, hat and all, but he was human. Mr. Eff hadn't stopped smiling yet. He quickly stumbled over to Elizabeth, and was about to wake her when he thought of something. What if she thinks I'm hideous? Eff shook his head. If the girl thought he was a monster, fine, that's what he'd been before, hadn't he? He placed his hands on her shoulders, delighting in the feeling of contact with another person, someone alive. He began shaking her shoulders. She made a low moaning noise and began rubbing her eyes. Even after they were open though, she had to blink a few times to clear them of the haze that seemed to order her back to sleep. When she could finally see, she just stared. Eff smiled widely at her shock. Finally, she broke the silence.
"Am I awake?" In response, he pinched her, having heard that it told someone if they were awake or not. She looked at him again. "…Mr. Eff?" He nodded.
"You understood." He said. "So I'm real."
Elizabeth, still in her "understanding" mood from before, suddenly felt a surge of joy for the once Styrofoam figure before her. She jumped up happily.
"Oh Eff!" She said. "I'm so happy for you!" Then she did something that surprised both of them. She leaped over and gave him a great, big, loving hug. "You get to be human, and I didn't have to kill anybody! This is great! Aren't you happy!" He mumbled a "yes," still unsure as to how he would handle having this girl clinging to him. He didn't know why, but there was a heat rising in his cheeks. Elizabeth stepped back, blushing herself when she saw the red on his face.
"So…" Eff began. "What…what am I supposed to do now?" She put a finger to her chin in thought.
"Well, you need somewhere to stay, I guess I could hide you here or something…and you'll probably have to eat and stuff now, because you're human. I don't know what to do about your face though." Mr. Eff scowled at this statement.
"Well what's wrong with my face?"
"Well…it's still all…doughboy-ish. You still have the streaks and the arrows around your eyes and you have no pupils…and you're REALLY pale. Oh! I know! We can pretend your skin is super sensitive to light, your eyes too, so you have to wear special contacts that make them look pupil-less, and the streaks are…I dunno, birthmarks? Maybe we'll get lucky and people here have gotten stupid or something." (EPIC FORESHADOWING) Eff shrugged in agreement. He liked the way his face looked…at least she didn't want to change anything about it. "But there's still the problem of any fans seeing you…I think you and Nail Bunny have the most fans, besides Johnny and Squee of course, so if we meet any of THEM we'll say it's cosplay."
"Alright." Eff said stiffly. Elizabeth smiled suddenly. Hey Eff, you want some toast?" His eyes widened.
"R-really? I can have toast?" He may not have known it, but on his face was the puppy-dog look of the century. She smiled even wider, amused and thinking how cute and Squee-like he looked. "Of course Eff! I'd be a total ass if I said you could have toast and then not give it to you! Come on!" She grabbed his wrist and pulled him through the piles of crap on her floor, and she quietly opened the door. The sneaked down the stairs and into the kitchen. Elizabeth sat him at the table and started making him toast. She hummed Move Along as she worked, not even knowing the significance of the song to Eff. After a few minutes, there were four pieces of toast in front of Eff, buttered and ready to be eaten. She herself had two, but thought he might like more. Eff picked up the toast in a daze, amazed by even the use of fingers, seeing as he had never had them before. He bit into the crunchy bread and a smile lit up his face, almost making him look like something out of a horror movie. He rushed through his breakfast, and actually laid his hands on his tummy in happy fullness. Elizabeth couldn't resist. The night before, she had found a comic of someone poking Eff and him going "TEE HE- FFFFFUUUUCCCKKKK!" She wanted to see if he would really do it. He may have been human now, but…
Elizabeth leaned over and poked his belly. His eyes shot open and before he could stop himself-
"TEE HEE!" He slapped a hand to his mouth and gave her a glare that rivaled that of Chuck Norris…and we ALL know how hard it is to do THAT. Uncovering his mouth, he continued to glare at her while she giggled quietly into her hands.
"What the FUCK was THAT! ?" She continued giggling and sucked in a few breaths so she could answer.
"Ha! Well- you were a Pillsbury Doughboy! And whenever you poked his belly he would do that…" She broke into another fit of giggles. "…and so, I wanted to see if you would do it, and you did!" She was full out laughing now, and she couldn't control herself. She actually fell out of her chair and was on the floor. "Oh my God it really worked! Ha! That is so great!" Eff continued glaring at her, and when she caught his gaze she squealed. "Ah! Oh My God it burns! You're fucking scary when you do that! Stop it!" He smirked.
"Then stop laughing."
"I stopped I stopped!" Eff slowly got his face back to that of apathy. Elizabeth peeked between her fingers to see him still staring at her, but not with as much venom as before. She slowly picked herself up off the floor. "Heh…yeah sorry…anyway, let's go back up to my room." Mr. Eff nodded.
"Sure."
Johnny cursed under his breath.
"Fuck." He muttered. He had left his sharpest knife in Elizabeth's room. She had probably left it in her wall too. "I still killed that guy…but barely. The stupid fuck had a pipe. Well, at least there was that SPORK there on the floor. Can't believe he actually almost hit me that one time though…" Johnny climbed steadily up the tree that he had always used to get to Elizabeth's room. "Damn bastard." He opened her window and climbed in, not even bothering to announce himself. No one was in here anyway. He walked over to the picture, and ripped his knife out of the wall.
"I need to carry more the just one with me…" He mused. "I seem to keep leaving them places lately." He looked up as someone entered the room. It was Elizabeth.
"-see, I told you toast was good and-" Her words caught in her throat as she spotted Johnny. "Oh hey Johnny! What're you doing back tonight?" She stood blocking the door, and a nervous smile was on her face. Nny walked to her carefully.
"Well, I realized I left my knife here, and I was needing it you see. Who was that you were talking to?" A look of panic crossed her face.
"Ah, ah, no one…I talk to myself sometimes, did I not tell you that? Yeah…well, I was gonna go to sleep, so I guess I'll see you later…" He ignored her as he forced open the door. It was fairly easy, he was much stronger than her. "No! N-no Johnny don't-!" Her warnings were lost on him as he finally laid his eyes upon what she had been trying so desperately to hide. His face twisted into anger when he recognized the frightened thing before him. His pupils narrowed to pointed triangles, showing further his rage. He whipped around, and in seconds the girl was on the floor, his knife pressed roughly into her neck.
"How could you! ?" He spat. "How many people have you killed! I told you you brat! I told you not to listen to them! I told you you'd end up like me!" He pressed the blade further, blood gurgling around her and pooling on the floor. He felt someone pulling on his arm, trying to make him release her. Nny spun around quickly, the cool steel now hovering over Eff's throat as he was pressed against the door, now closed. "And you! What are you doing alive you little fucker! You disappeared! You were gone. So you found someone else to torment! ? Why are you here all the sudden! Why can I feel your disgusting human flesh writhe beneath my hands! ?" Eff didn't struggle, but merely smiled.
"Oh Johnny my boy, you're getting angry for no reason. The girl didn't kill anyone. She hadn't been broken yet. In fact, she felt sympathy for me. She understood what I wanted. It was that understanding that brought me here. Do you see D-boy with us? No. She didn't understand him. She didn't understand his want for death. But she understood my want for life." Johnny pressed his blade closer.
"Don't you fuck with my head Eff. What. Did. You. Make. Her. Do." Johnny heard something behind him. His head shot back to look.
"He's not lying Johnny!" Elizabeth gurgled, sitting up weakly and trying to keep fom choking on the blood. "I felt bad for him. We see them as annoying…" She paused to hack up some blood. "But Eff was using the only means he knew of to become human. He didn't go on rampages as soon as he was human. Hell, he could've easily killed me at least six or seven times by now. He also didn't have to try to pull you off me." Coughing. More Blood. "Eff didn't mean to screw up your sucky life even more Nny…he was just trying to figure out how to get one of his own." Surprisingly, Johnny lowered the knife, but he still held Eff against the wall.
"How do I know you're not lying?" He asked. Johnny sounded genuinely confused, like a lost kid, begging for their mother.
"What could I possible gain from that? Yeah, okay, the obvious answer is not dying, but then I think I would just be telling you to kill Eff instead of me."
"Hey!" Eff shouted.
"Anyway…Eff isn't all that bad. Besides, Nail Bunny was right. They used to be a part of you, but then the wall monster took control of them. They were working for that. Eff was doing his best to defy it, actually…But they don't have that anymore. I, I guess they were a part of me."
"Why would my figments be a part of you?" Elizabeth smiled sheepishly.
"I'm one Hell of an obsessive…" Johnny finally dropped Eff. As he plopped on the floor, he rubbed his now sore butt. Nny walked over to Elizabeth.
"You're not lying?" She shook her head.
"Course not…can't lie to your favorites…or your friends…" She then passed out from blood loss. Johnny rose, and stepping over Eff, he ran to the kitchen to grab her box of medical supplies. He may have been borrowing some from time to time…
While Johnny ran downstairs to do…something, Eff walked over to Elizabeth. He scowled.
"Stupid girl, she did it again. Keeps on understanding things like this and she'll know everything." Eff grabbed a Black T-shirt that happened to be laying near-by and began applying pressure to her neck. "If I didn't owe her…if she wasn't so fucking kind…" Eff grumbled and mumbled to himself about all the "if's" that would have had him being his usual self. Of course, if she was dying and he was still Styrofoam, he'd be freaking out-but not trying to do anything. He was still freaking out, but felt he wouldn't be if she hadn't been the one to make him human. "Damn girl…" Johnny re-appeared then, and quickly bandaged her up. He continued putting pressure in place of Eff, who just watched, amazed at what this girl had done to his boy. Damn near has him sane again…actually helping someone instead of killing… When Johnny decided she was okay, he placed her on the bed. He then turned to Eff.
"If you really aren't gonna try and manipulate me anymore, then I won't hurt you. But if you start using her, or me, you'll die." He then just left. Eff cleaned up all the blood on the floor, and finally collapsed in sleep next to her on the bed, having made sure there was a wall of pillows and mess between them first.
The next morning, when Elizabeth woke up, there was a light throbbing in her neck.
"Oh Damn…" she muttered, recalling the events of the past night. She looked around, saw that there were only a few blood stains on her floor, and that Eff was laying on the other side of the bed. She stared at him for a while. Lol…he looks a lot like my drawing of him…but more, realistic I guess. No…wait…he looks more…comic like. Like Jhonen was the one who drew him, not me… She got up slowly out of bed. Walking to her closet, she found a (apparently hideous, according to her parents) white poncho that she enjoyed wearing when she was cold. It was still practically summer, but she couldn't let them see the cut on her neck. Besides, it wasn't as if she hadn't done this before. She forgot to glance in the mirror before she went down, otherwise she may have noticed her own reflection being…off. She walked down the stairs, worried now. Her house was filthy all of the sudden, and had thick lines… She walked into the den, where her mom was on the computer.
"Hey Mom?" Her mother looked up over the screen, and she had to keep from screaming. She resembled her mom in a lot of ways…but she had been Vasquez-a-fied.
"What?" She sounded uncaring, as though she could tell her she was going to run nude across the neighborhood and she'd say "have fun with that." She decided to test this by asking a question her Mother would never say yes to without the whole house being spotless.
"Can I invite one of my Guy-Friends over?" Her mom turned back to the screen.
"Sure, whatever. Just don't be too loud." Elizabeth stood open mouthed.
"Well fuck me sideways." She quickly covered her mouth, she would normally eat soap for a month for saying that. But her mom didn't even privilege her with a reaction. She ran up the stairs, now cursing freely. "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK! EFF!" She burst into her room calling his name. Surprised, he flailed about and fell onto the floor. It was actually a pretty comical sight. He jumped up angrily, and replaced his hat on his head. "What! ? What do you want! ?" She screamed her next words.
"Ah! My Mom turned into a fat, lazy, uncaring bitch! What do I do! ?" Eff rubbed his head.
"From what I know about how you think about her sometimes, she was already a fat, lazy, uncaring bitch. What's different?" Elizabeth waved her hands about frantically.
"Everything is JHONEN style!"
"What?" She sighed, and had the urge to face palm.
"It looks like the comic. Yeah, you and Johnny and Squee already did…but now EVERYTHING looks like the comic." Eff looked around.
"Looks the same to me." A thought occurred to her then. Perhaps…they didn't notice because they were from the comic? Another thought came up and smacked her in the face. She ran to the mirror. Then, for the second time in her life, she gave a fan-girl worthy shriek.
"Whoa! I look fucking awesome as a Jhonen-ite! Whooo!" She felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned to face Eff.
"Well, since you seem fine again, can we have some toast?" She smiled.
"Sure buddy. You can make it this time; I'll make myself some easy mac. And, it turns out I won't have to hide you after all. My parents don't care about anything anymore! This is gonna be great…" She and Eff walked calmly down the stairs, Elizabeth's moment of Hyperness over. As they prepared their meals, her older Brother, Chance, walked in. Without a shirt. As usual.
"Hey Kid!" He said, lightly punching her on the arm. "Who's your emo friend?" Elizabeth had hoped after the "Hey Kid!" that he'd be normal. But he'd never call one of her friends emo to her face, especially not when the friend was in the room.
"He's not emo; it's this weird skin condition thing he has…and a birthmark around his eyes. And…he's getting ready for a cosplay…you know what? Just fuck off." Chance shrugged, grabbed a piece of leftover pizza, a shirt, and headed out to his crappier than Johnny's car.
"Bye Mom!" He yelled as he walked out. Elizabeth responded instead, once again testing if no one really cared.
"Yeah, bye you ass!" He actually flipped her off with a smile before driving away. She knew it was the "Yeah yeah" flip off, and not really meant for you to take offense at, but she sure was surprised. "Things sure are going to be different around here…" She murmured quietly. She looked over at her kitchen table and smiled. Eff was hungrily crunching away at his second piece of toast. "Yeah." She said again. "A lot different." He looked up at her then, a quizzical expression on his face.
"What?" When he spoke, bread crumbs flew out of his mouth, a few joining the ones on his face. It was gross, but induced laughter all the same.
"Hah hah hah! Your…your face! LOL! Ah hah…!" And so Elizabeth began her first day in her new world.
Because laughter is one of the best ways to live.
Aww…Now listen up, this is not going to turn into a romance between Elizabeth and Eff. (Aww! EaEr!) In my mind? Perhaps. On FanFiction? No way. Mostly a rough friendship, that's the whole story. Funny little chapters about friendship, near death experiences, Easy Mac, and of course, Johnny. I hope you enjoy the Madness my friends! For one day, it may be all we have left… ;)
