Prompt: Despair
Rating: T
Warnings: none
Spoilers: none
Setting: takes place sometime post 3x09 but AU since Joss is clearly alive
Relationship status: established
Sidenote: Sorry for not updating this for like 3 weeks O.O I did not realize it has been so long. This story is the dreaded Carter sad story though I reread it and it is not as angsty as I originally thought, though rest assured there is angst!
She felt like she was dying, in a way she hoped he was dying. Her heart broken, her soul empty, she had cried enough tears to start a flood. Joss laid in the cramped double sized bed staring out the tiny, rectangular window. The sun was out, birds were chirping, and the sky was crystal clear, not a cloud in sight. The weather seemed not to reflect her current feelings at the moment.
Despair so utterly and completely mixed in with overwhelming guilt and sense of failure.
Joss laid stiffly on her side, her hand rubbing her stomach absently, and thought about the man she loved. The man she destroyed, the man's emotions she chewed up and spat out all due to her failure as a woman. His face had said it all when she blurted out she miscarried their child. All of his emotions flickered across his face like a kaleidoscope. She took the healing man and drop kicked all his hard work at starting over right out the damned window. Everyone said she was good for John, she grounded him, she healed him, she saved him, and she made him happy. John always told her he wasn't good enough for her. Well, they were ALL wrong, each and every last one of them from Finch to John. She didn't heal him, she didn't make him happy, and she was sure the hell not good enough for him. John's anguish over the miscarriage showed bright and she did the one thing she never in her life did before; she ran.
Jocelyn Carter always fought, whether she was fighting for the injustice of others or fighting for herself, she never ever gave up. But she had no fight left. Not when the guilt nearly drowned her, she lost their child, it was her fault. No one else's, no one could make her lose the baby and John needed this baby. He had been so happy, so full of life, unlike ever before, and she wanted this child too. She wanted to have HIS child and she lost him. She didn't go home, she didn't go to her son, or her mother. No, she went to the last place she figured John would ever look for her. The light knock on the door before it opened brought her out of her depressing thoughts to her host who allowed her to bunk in his guest room. Her partner and friend, Fusco, who she was sure John wouldn't think of first as to who she would run to for a place to hide out for a bit.
She wanted to drown in her misery, despair, and guilt alone. She wasn't ready to face John, knowing he would want to call it quits with a woman that wasn't even woman enough to have his child. Fresh tears she was sure she couldn't cry welled up.
"Hey, Carter, you going into work today?"
"No," she whispered quietly, keeping her gaze steady on the window. Her hand never moved from her stomach. She hadn't eaten since she learned she lost their child, didn't feel like it, it would take too much energy. Fusco had forced her to drink water, claiming he'd call John if she didn't. She'd do anything, even force herself to gag something down that tasted like sawdust, before wanting John to find her, to leave her.
"You know the captain will only buy my excuse for a little longer before he gets suspicious."
"I know."
"I'll embellish for him."
"Thanks, Fusco." She murmured when she heard a sound behind her. She didn't bother rolling over to see what he was doing. She'd been here the past couple days and she already got used to his routine. He was putting a large glass of water he expected her to drink there.
"I'm heading out, but before I go why not think about calling wonder boy? He's become a lunatic mess without you."
"I can't."
"Carter, he's frantic; he's tearing down New York in search of you; you really want the state to come down because of him?" She highly doubted Fusco's assertion. John was probably happy that she was gone. He didn't need to look at her, be reminded of the baby she lost, and he probably was finding Zoe, a real woman who could give him what he wanted. Why had he chosen her? Zoe was more womanly than she ever would be, she thought bitterly. Fusco sighed when she didn't respond. "Just get better Carter, I like it better when you're lecturing and telling me what to do." With that said, he finally shut the door. She listened until she heard his front door open and slide shut, leaving her alone in his apartment.
Joss was grateful to be alone again. She curled up into a tight ball, gripping her barren stomach, and sobbed.
John felt like his soul had been ripped out of his body, not only when Joss told him about the miscarriage, but when she fled. He could see the cracks in her heart written in the anguished lines on her face that day. Her heart bled as she spoke with him, tears in her eyes, voice cracking and he had just stood there stupidly. He couldn't process her words, so he stood frozen in place and helplessly watched as the woman he loved turned around and ran. She couldn't get away from him fast enough. She was probably angry that he didn't say something, anything in return to what she said, but he couldn't. His heart broke, his own grief over the loss of something he never thought he would ever have was so intense it stole his ability to speak, to think, to act.
But John locked away his own grief, pain, despair, and sorrow over the loss of their child to search for her. That night had been the longest ever, and these past 48 hours have been even longer. He looked for her at her place, asked Taylor where she was, even looked up her mother's residence without any luck. Taylor had grown worried and scared, so he promised he would find his mother safely. He inwardly chided himself for being so stupid. This was his fault, why she had run off, maybe if he had said something instead of standing there, she wouldn't be M.I.A. right now.
He enlisted the help of Finch, Shaw, and Fusco in his desperate pursuit to find her. But Finch had only told him what he figured out. She ditched her phone, so their GPS chip inside it was completely useless to them. Shaw found her state issued car still at the precinct, while her SUV was parked at her residence, neither were touched. John hadn't slept in nearly 72 hours and was running on empty. His exhaustion was bone deep, the pain over what happened tried to get a strangle hold on him, but he ignored both. He wasn't going to allow his emotions or the overwhelming exhaustion get in his way of finding the woman he loved. Even if she didn't want to see him, even if she was angry with him over his reaction to her...no, their loss, he needed to know if she was alright and explain how he felt that night.
John guzzled down the last bit of his coffee as he waited outside of the precinct she worked at. He waited there for two reasons: one just in case she actually showed up for work and two, because of Fusco. His last conversation with Lionel left him feeling suspicious that he knew more than he was letting on. If she had called Fusco, he needed to know what she said and if he knew of her whereabouts. John immediately exited his car when he saw Fusco appear in his line of vision, moving slowly but surely towards the front steps of the precinct. He scanned the surrounding area, noting with distinct worry that Joss was once again a no show.
"Lionel," the short, stocky man paused on the bottom step before turning around slowly with a sigh.
"You could give a guy a heart attack just popping in out of nowhere, you know that, Wonder Boy?!" he griped. "To answer your question, no, I haven't seen or heard from her." John didn't say anything, just noted the fact that Lionel looked away the moment he spoke.
"You wouldn't be lying to me, now would you, Lionel?"
"Why would I lie? I want her back as much as you do, you think it's easy doing all the work? I prefer my partner being around to carry half the load."
"It's good to know you like to have Carter around to do your work for you, but I don't believe that you haven't heard from her."
"Oh yeah, and why is that?"
"Because I can tell when you're lying to me and you are lying to me. So cut the crap and tell me, " he said with a dark smile.
"Or what, Wonder Boy?"
"You don't want to know what I'll do to you if you don't tell me what you know." Fusco sighed.
"I told her you were going off the reservation. Seriously, how about thinking about seeking help for you obvious anger issues! Look, she doesn't want to talk to you right now."
"Just tell me what she said."
"She hasn't really said anything, she's not doing much of anything."
"What do you mean?"
"She won't eat, I have to force her to drink by claiming I'd call you, Mr. Sunshine. She just lays in bed staring out the damned window. It's not like her."
"She's at your place," he growled, his eyes blazed with anger, realizing she had been under his nose this entire time and Lionel didn't bother telling him.
"She's my friend and partner, she asked me not to tell you, so I didn't. You know you're not the only one that has loyalties." John fisted his hands, trying to not snap Fusco in half for not telling him, but the rage died instantly. At least she was safe with someone. She had gone to Fusco. He whirled around on his heels making a beeline for his car. "Hey, Wonder Boy, don't screw her up any more than she is already with your peachiness." He didn't bother acknowledging Fusco, he just climbed into his car, slammed the car into drive, and drove quickly away.
His only thoughts were centered on Joss as he drove. He found Fusco's place easily since he kept watch on the man, making sure he stayed out of trouble. He slid from his car, running to the complex. He found Lionel's apartment number before quickly picking the lock. His need to see her overrode everything else. The tumbler of the lock clicked and he pushed it open. The small apartment appeared empty.
"Joss," he called out, he was almost afraid that she had left before he got there. He rushed towards the tiny hallway in the back of the apartment, throwing open the door on the left. He found her lying on her side, facing away from him, and a large glass of water untouched on the nightstand. He moved fast, grabbed her shoulder, and pulled her over. Her brown eyes were dull and dim, no warmth that usually sparkled there in sight. "Joss, baby, I was so worried when I couldn't find you." She was wearing the same clothing as she was when she told him about losing the baby. He reached out brushing his fingertips against her skin.
He was scared. He never seen her like this, where was the woman he loved? Where was the fight in her, it was like she was void of everything. Her eyes moved watching him, but she hadn't spoken a word. He slid his coat and suit jacket off, placing them on the hook on the back of the door. John silently climbed onto the bed, tugging her into his arms.
"Let it out, Joss," he whispered in her ear. Her eyes closed immediately. "It's okay, I'm here." It was like a dam broke. Her entire body shuddered, tears fell, and sobs escaped her. He wrapped his arms around her and held her, rocking her gently.
"I l-lost o-our baby, John." He caught a word here and there, trying to piece together what she was saying between gasping breaths and sobs. It sounded like she was blaming herself for losing their baby and he could kick himself for not saying something when she told him. He held her tightly, she buried her face into the pillow as her body heaved. He stroked her arm lightly, silently waiting for her to finish. He cried quietly too, not just for the loss of their child, but the desperate agony Joss was in. He didn't know what to say or do to help her. So he just held her. She started saying something, he couldn't understand a word she said, it was muffled in the pillow. So he waited. After several minutes the sobs quieted down, her shaking ceased, and she sniffed. He leaned up, gently brushing his thumb across her wet cheek wiping away the tears.
"I'm sorry, Joss, for not being there for you, " he whispered in her ear. She rolled over to look at him with confusion clear on her face.
"What are you talking about?" her voice was rough with emotion still. "You have nothing to apologize for, John, I'm the one that does. I'm the one that lost our child, it's all my fault." Fresh tears filled her brown eyes. He shook his head immediately.
"How, how is it your fault?"
"The baby was growing inside ME and me alone! I should have taken care of myself and our child better, maybe if I just did something different I wouldn't have lost our baby!"
"No, you took perfect care of yourself and our child."
"Stop it," she hissed. She squirmed and struggled, he was helpless to do anything but release her. He sat up, watching her. His eyes blazed as she stood up. He took a quick sweep of her body. Fusco's words rang in his head.
"When was the last time you ate?"
"Go away! I want you to go, I want to be alone like I deserve. Go find Zoe, she's a real woman. I can't even carry our child to term." He wasn't about to let her leave him, they could get past this together. Yes, it hurt and yes he wished more than anything that their baby wasn't lost to them, but he couldn't lose her too. He didn't want Zoe or any woman for that matter, he only wanted her.
"I asked you, when was the last time you ate?" He demanded as he moved quickly off the bed, grabbing her elbow, and forced her to look at him. He didn't like what was happening to her. She was clearly sinking into depression. She blamed herself for losing the baby, even though she hadn't done anything wrong. He would never believe Joss had done something to lose the baby. She was kind, nurturing, and so loving. He just needed to get her to believe that, but right now she was desperate to hold onto her guilt. It was easier to hang on to your guilt, to hate yourself, rather than try to move on. He knew from experience.
"Let go of me."
"No, I will never let you go." She struggled slightly. "Since you won't answer my question, that tells me it hasn't been for a while. I can recognize the signs of depression, Joss, please let me help you."
"Why won't you just leave me and leave me alone?"
"I love you. You're hurting, so am I, Joss, you think it's easy for me, to know our child is gone? I hurt too, then I couldn't find you, and I can't lose you too." His breath hitched. He hated the pain that radiated out of him, he knew she couldn't handle his pain and hers too, but he couldn't hide it either. Her eyes watered.
"But…"
"No buts, I love you. We can get through this together." He moved closer, grabbing her cheeks, caressing his thumbs across her face lovingly and rested his forehead against hers. "We've been through so much, please, don't leave me now."
"How can you still love me?"
"How can I not still love you? You loved our child, you wanted our child, and you're devastated that you lost him. I know you won't magically move on from this, neither will I, it will take time, but just let me be beside you for you to lean on me. We can mourn him together, learn to move on from the pain together, and heal together." He pressed his lips against her cheeks, before he took her lips with his. He poured all the love he felt for this woman into it. He sipped at her lips trying to coax her into forgiving herself for something she didn't even do. He felt her resolve crumble, her arms wrapped around his neck tightly, and kissed him back hungrily. They broke apart after a few minutes.
"I don't deserve you," she breathed and he shook his head. How come they switched, he always felt not worthy of her, and now he's the one that has to assure her that she's worthy of him. Now he knew why she always exhaled roughly, and got annoyed whenever he doubted his worth of her. He kissed her softly.
"Yes you do, you love me just as much as I love you." He said against her lips. "Let me take you home, I'll fix you lunch, bring it to you in bed, make you a bubble bath, and give you a massage." He offered. "Shaw and Finch will take care of any number we might get; you are the most important person in my life."
"You really can forgive me for losing our child?"
"There's nothing to forgive, love. It wasn't your fault, it just wasn't meant to be." He gently nudged her nose with his. Her brown gaze lifted to his. He saw a shadow of a smile attempting to cross her face but fell short.
"A bubble bath with the man I love would be nice, very nice." He smiled softly when he saw a small flicker of the woman he loved.
"I think I could handle that, only if you promise to eat a really big lunch for me." She nodded. "You scared me, Joss. Please, just don't disappear on me even if you want to be alone for a few days, just don't disappear on me," he pleaded.
"I'm sorry."
"I don't need your apology I just need your promise, I can't lose you too." She nodded and he tugged her into a tight hug. She squeezed him so tightly. "Come on, let's go and give Lionel his apartment back." He pulled back. John grabbed his jackets sliding his heavy wool jacket on her, not sure if she arrived with a jacket or not. He slid his suit blazer back on, before sliding the door open and had an arm wrapped around her hip, underneath his jacket. He cupped her hip possessively. He watched her silently as they moved towards Lionel's front door, seeing the same despair and anguish on her face, but he also saw something he hadn't seen since Joss told him about the loss of their child. Hope. She had hope that things would get better, that her heart would heal, just as his would eventually. They exited Lionel's place, and walked side by side, together again and that was how it was going to be for the rest of their lives.
Author's note: Um, is it safe to still come out and play with my fellow Careesers, right? But rest assured I have a really light hearted story coming up and it's sexy too which for those readers who don't like smut there will be smut next chapter just for an fyi :D
One little thing I still have the marriage part 2 coming as well as a part 2 to guilt(per request) but I don't think either one will be posted before I leave for vacation :( They are still rough around the edges, so I do not want to hurry them up and have it suffer thanks to trying to hurry and post before I go on vacation. So I hope you guys can be a little bit more patient on the companion pieces to those two oneshots.
Okay with that said I appreciate you guys waiting for a new update and for reading! I appreciate you guys!
