Crossroads
Chapter 7 – This Unavoidable Thing Between Us.
"The night is long today; my love for you has changed.
The night is long today, a hope has been replaced.
All the steps we take the ones that lead away, a little.
When we walk away, we only grow more near.
When we turn away, it all becomes so clear.
This unavoidable thing, joining us."
This Unavoidable Thing Between Us – Evermore
*~*
"I'm really glad you're reconsidering your decision, Ron." Harry smiled, satisfied with me reconciling to the idea of leaving the my current position at the Auror Office. "And I'm also very sorry for the way I sprung this idea on you -"
"Chief Potter, I came to tell my Head Auror that I'm accepting the new position he so graciously offered me." The sardonic smile that lately seemed reserved only for him made its way onto my face. "I didn't come here to talk to my mate, Harry, the-boy-who-lived-to-stab-in-the-back. It's for his own sake, as I'm not talking to him in order to avoid punching the daylights out of him and hurting his pretty little face, very much like those Muggle boxers."
Harry had the decency to look positively alarmed.
"Right…" He looked away, embarrassed. "So, when does it seem fit for you to start your new position, Auror Weasley?"
"I'd like to resume my former post for two weeks, in order to finish up all of my cases and tie up any loose ends. After that, I'm guessing I'll be as ready as I'll ever be."
"It's settled, then. On November 9th, you assume the Chief of the Trainee Program position." I nodded and turned to leave his office.
Right before I reached for the doorknob, Harry's strangled voice made me stop dead in my tracks with the bitter taste of remorse in my mouth.
"Ron? We will be okay eventually, right?"
I didn't even have to stop and think about it. Even though I still felt like I could hex him senseless, Harry and I had been brothers for over three decades, and I couldn't simply ignore that, not after all we'd been through.
"We will." We exchanged a brief, tense smile before I walked out of his office and bumped right into Sarah, sending her sprawling across the floor along with what seemed to have been four piles worth of parchment.
"Weasley," she said tersely, acknowledging me with a brief, polite nod.
"Sarah!" My ears went red at the sight of her, and I could feel a blush creeping up my neck to my face. "Let me help you with that." I could easily rearrange her stack of papers with a flick of my wand, but the look on her face stopped me.
"I don't need your help, Weasley," she nearly growled at me. "Why don't you just go away?" Then Sarah looked straight into my eyes proudly, her green ones brimming with barely controlled emotion. Looking at me seemed to take her a lot of effort.
I couldn't say I was surprised by her hostility towards me. That night, after she had told me how she felt about me and asked me to kiss her, I had clumsily pushed her away and mumbled a flimsy apology before stumbling out of her flat I had then proceeded to wander around Muggle London for at least three hours before I'd my wits about me enough to Apparate home without Splinching myself.
"Sarah, I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, or if I –"
"I don't give a rat's arse about what you have to say right now, Ron." Her face was a mask of anger, hurt and misery. "Or about how you feel."
"You've got to understand –"
"I don't have to bloody understand a thing!" she shrieked, attracting the entire office's attention. I scowled at all of them and half-dragged, half-carried a reluctant Sarah to my office.
"Will you just listen to what I have to say?"
"I don't want to!" She was shaking, and I didn't knew if it her trying to control her fury or suppressing an onslaught of sobs.
"You humiliated me!" Sarah was crying now, and she turned her back to me, refusing to let me see or acknowledge her tears. "I, I..." she sniffled, and I had no idea how to react. How to make it better. How to make this a lot less fucked up.
"I practically told you I was in love with you – I asked you kiss me, and you ran away! I thought you felt the same way! When you agreed to come to my flat, I thought that mean that you… that we…" she trailed off, and in despair, sat in one of the chairs in my office and hid her face with her hands.
"Sarah…" I tried to touch her shoulder, to console her somehow, but she flinched away from me. "I'm married… You do know that."
"How could I bloody well forget that?" She glared at me, her anger renewed. "When you walk around with that bloody ring on your finger? When you have her bloody photograph on your desk?"
She shook her head, her long, golden hair catching the light and with that motion, her trademark scent of coconut hit my nostrils and I remembered our proximity that night, how curious I was about whether or not she also tasted like coconut, and if would dare to… But I couldn't.
Because I loved Hermione. I was still in love with wife – and it didn't even matter that she had apparently stopped loving me in return.
"Of course I hadn't forgotten that. But you're… You aren't happy, Ron, and I know I could make you happy." She gave a small, sad smile, and told me with the certainty of the youth, "If only you gave me the chance. Don't you like me?"
"You know I do…" Her smiled broadened. "You know you're beautiful, and you're right, I'm not happy. Not lately." The hope burning in her eyes was too much for me. "But that doesn't make it right, though. It would still be cheating, and I would never do that to Hermione or my family. This is the kind of line I could never, would never cross."
Her smile faltered.
"Why not?"
"Because I love them." And for a thousand different reasons that could serve to exemplify that, but in the end, it all summed up to that one statement. "They're my whole life."
Her eyes filled with tears again, but she still strained to maintain the smile on her face. I could see the struggle she was going through, trying not to show a sign of weakness, trying to be strong, when her heart had been clearly just been broken.
"Fair enough." She got up then, squared her shoulders and performed a beautifying charm on her puffy, swollen eyes and her reddened complexion. "If this is what you really want, I won't say anything more about it, Ron."
"It is."
"Marvellous." But it clearly wasn't. Not to her, and not to me. I hated hurting her, but I would hate betraying Hermione so much more. Things were difficult enough without me adding an affair with my co-worker to our pile of problems.
"From now on, I think it would be better if we're not… as close as we were."
"You don't want people to talk." She uttered this statement with a calm and wistful smile that spoke volumes. For Sarah, this wasn't over. She still had hope.
"Doesn't it matter at all how I feel, Ron?" Her eyes pleaded with me, but I couldn't give her that. If I did, she would still want me. And I couldn't have that – the temptation was too great, and I was sick and tired of being torn between my wife, the woman I loved, the one who kept me at arms length, and the girl who was offering me everything she had, anything I wanted it from her.
"No, not really, Sarah." Her face crumbled for the second time that day, and I had to force myself not to care about this, about her. "They come first."
Even though I felt like I was never on their top ten lists of priorities. Even though it felt fucking great to have someone who wanted me enough, who needed me enough to take whatever I could give them, on my own terms.
Yes, it felt good. But no, it wasn't healthy. Not for me, and especially not for Sarah. I wasn't that selfish – no good could come out of our friendship, even if it remained platonic.
"We should treat each other like mere co-workers." She sighed, and I could tell she was preparing to put up a fight, but I beat her to it. "Am I clear, Coates?"
She glowered at me fiercely.
"Now hand me that file on McNair – I have to finish his imprisonment report."
She didn't move.
"Now, Coates."
"Why should I abide to any of your wishes, Ron?" She clearly meant our personal issues, but I wouldn't let her bait me into an endless discussion of what was proper and what wasn't – we had crossed too many lines already.
"Because I'm still your partner and superior, Coates. And because I told you to." White-faced and thin-lipped, she reluctantly handed me the file.
"I hope you don't paper-cut your finger while reading it," she said viciously. "I've heard those kind of wounds can be very painful."
Then she left without looking back at me.
While I was relieved that the awkward exchange had ended, I felt sad and disappointed at the lack of admiration and longing in Sarah's eyes.
It was as if the only person in the world I still counted on for some kind of recognition had decided I wasn't worth it any longer, and the only one who could be blamed for that was me. It was my decision to push her away, after all.
But, even though it was the right decision to make – I was certain about that – there was one thing I couldn't deny: it still made me feel like hell.
*~*
A.N: No Hermione this chapter, but see? Nothing happened between Sarah and Ron. Yet. Next chapter, the shit hits the fan. Be prepared. Inner Bella sends you guys her love. Don't forget to leave a review - it's polite and very much appreciate it.
SHAMELESS PLUG: feel free to check my one-shot called "Atonement" or my next-gen story called "10 Random Facts" - go to my profile, read and review loves =)
