Chapter 8 - Secrets Revealed, and Memed
I bet that every dragon slayer OC fanfiction (with named chapters) have at least ONE chapter named 'Secrets revealed' or whatever the fuck is similar to that. Oh don't even get me started on SIOC stories!
Also a little challenge to my readers. Think of all the tropes I made fun of, go and make a huge list of stories with AT LEAST 2 tropes, then post them on reviews. Then we can all simultaneously laugh at them.
I know a certain story off the top of my head where there's an Ice Dragon Slayer OC WITH a mysterious past that had a 2v1 fight against Erigor with Natsu…in the first 4-5 chapters. Yes, I am not kidding.
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Natsu was still in the dumpster groaning in pain, what else could have happened in the span of 5 minutes? Him get off and leave Fairy Tail or some other bullshit from Darker Natsu stories? Might as well make a double whammy Natsu AND Lucy leaves then they become Dragon King PLUS Queen and both duo join Sabertooth. God I cringe so hard it makes my vomit backwards from my ass.
Well now that's a wrap.
Waited till night to pass and then jacked off all the way until morning. Don't even say anything you cuck holders I bet you all do the same thing, Mr. read-fanfiction-while-you're-supposed-to-be-sleeping-cause-you-have-work-in-5-hours. Don't be down I was writing this story when I had work the next day too!
Anyways now that the guild shouldn't be hung over anymore, it's time to go back and hopefully put the blame onto someone else. You know - drunk Natsu getting sacked by a random girl he 'molested' and got thrown into the garbage. At least that is my Alibi. Who's going to remember this one guy going around fucking everyone up anyway?
As soon as I walked into that guild, I had a familiar pinky jump me. Now of course, he couldn't hit me, but I was really hoping that they wouldn't remember. Like if I drink as hard as they did yesterday, I would have woken up in 2057 and would have forgotten my own name!
"Now, now, how about we sit in a nice circle of chairs and talk," I spoke, with Natsu ramming his fist into my mouth, trying to stop me from talking.
"Don't think I forgot what you did yesterday!" Oh great, Angry dragon slayer healed by plot armour. If that was me in the dumpster I would still be in the hospital where the doctor would tell me I can't have kids anymore. Oh right I can't. Oh no it's not because I'm sterile or anything but because I'm an ugly and gay faggot that writes self insert fanfiction.
"Dude you hit me first, not my fault you got your ass one-shotted and thrown in the dumpster." My logic was completely flawless, and I didn't even throw him into the dumpster in the first place! It was the troll ass cat!
"ARRRGGGHH."
Ok this is getting dumb.
"Calm your tits just sit down and stop hitting air."
"Not until I hit you!"
Sighing, I walked towards Erza, who seemed to have a harder time remembering what I did. Maybe Natsu wasn't actually drunk? He didn't really seem drunk from last night but if he planned on it I bet I completely ruined his night, hehe.
Natsu visibly began hesitating as sweat formed on his brows.
"Come on Natsu keep hitting me." I kept on circling around the redhead, waving my hands tauntingly while positioning Erza directly behind me so Natsu could not hit me.
"You…" a disturbingly low voice came from behind me. It would have certainly sent shivers down my spine - SPOOKY SCARY SKELETONS - if I didn't have Kamui of course.
I turned to face the redhead, who had the same face she made yesterday after I talked so much shit.
"I remember," she began, getting up from her seat with her eyes shadowed. "EXACTLY WHAT YOU SAID!"
She prepared to hit me again, only for me to put a hand up, which somehow worked and stopped her. Seriously? What the actual fuck is that shit if you did that in the hood you would get shanked straight to the moon!
"You shouldn't be so aggressive you know." She raised a confused brow at me. "I'm sure Jellal likes nicer girls." And that's it.
I could barely see from the constant gauntleted fists flying towards my face. They had to give up sometime right? Do they not know I can keep this up indefinitely? Well I'll just tell them cause revealing my abilities is anime fighting 101's first lesson.
Welcome to anime fighting 101!
I shall be your professor: Naruto Tyrannosaurus Rex or whatever retarded slayer last name!
Wait, what? Why is this playing in my head?
Whenever you fight an opponent that could potentially beat you, especially if you are a bad guy, you MUST, and I mean MUST - explain ALL of your abilities and evil plan.
That explains things. If people paid the same amount of attention to politics 101 instead of this garbage maybe Trump wouldn't be president.
Also, if you write a crossover fanfiction with Naruto, make sure you make an OC Character with Naruto's name plastered on it! You can write the exact same story for 20 times more views!
Hahahah! That's funny. No way on this Earth can there be people that reached that level of malevolence. I mean, making an OC with Naruto's name to get more views? Preposterous! What type of kitten-kicking dog-eating baby-slaying crocs-wearing apple-product-buying trap-listening non-Bernie-Sanders-supporting pumpkin-spice-latte-drinking ass-grabbing internet-explorer-using individual would ever do such a thing!
*Looks at readers.*
Okay no I'm serious no one is that evil. Just like how SJW's and those pronoun Nazis are a internet myth and probably fake and gay. Anyways enough of cancer.
"Now, I'm sure you already thought - 'Whoah I can't hit him let's keep trying' cause you're some type of advance retardation in effect," I began, making the flurry of punches even faster than before.
"Hey you hanky danky sac of scrap garbage! I can literally keep this up forever, you should save your strength for when you masturbate yourself to sleep!" As I said that, her fists stopped. Her eyes widened to saucer plates before hundreds of veins became visible on her forehead.
"Why would you say such things?!"
"Cause it's true, strawberry cakes are full of diabetes and tastes like demon's anus. But then again it might explain why you like it so much." She was going to punch me again, but stopped herself knowing that it wouldn't do anything.
I raised a brow as I saw Erza walk towards Natsu, before putting a hand on his shoulder.
"AARRH." Surprisingly, she took out her anger on the next best thing. Now there's a Natsu shaped hole on the wall.
Well then. Nobody fucking cares apparently. Seriously they all just keep drinking like bystanders of a car crash.
"Anyways, Gildarts!"
Fortunately for me, the auburn-haired man in question answered from the top floor, with a bandaged Laxus beside him. HAH he actually thought it was him.
"Ehh? Are you new here?"
"Yes, 100% I have never set foot in this guild before." My face was straighter than an asexual otaku with an automatic browser history remover.
Gildarts simply looked down in contemplation, before shrugging his shoulders. "Well okay then."
I smile devilishly, it was time to be gay.
"Hey can you come down? I got something very important to tell you! It's about a girl!"
Gildarts widened his eyes in surprise, before putting his drink down with slam, then rushing down the stairs.
"Say Gildy, you see that brown-haired girl over there?" I pointed to Cana, who was doing some sort of solitaire shit.
"Yeah that's Cana, why?" Oh boy here it comes.
"See the thing is…she's your daughter." Everyone's eyes widened harder than that compilation with Frieza getting butt-fucked by Goku. Of course, none were more surprised than Cana herself, who looked like she was going to dip all her cards into toilet water.
"WHAT!" That was almost a perfectly synchronized chorus of surprise as I said that. Did none of them think I was bull shitting? Or did all of them actually suspected/figured out but no one really gave a shit.
Taking out a cup of water from the gate, I splashed it all over his face, causing him to start coughing all over from choking.
"W-What? No way! She can't be my daughter! I was sure to use protection!"
"While I'm sure you have many bastards out there…" I began, circling around Gildarts for some villainous effects, before walking behind where Cana was sitting.
"Cana here, is not one. Isn't that right? Daughter of Cornelia Alberona." I could just feel the embarrassment coming from the hippie girl as Gildarts stared at her.
"You know she does kind of look like him…" a random voice commented.
Then a series of agreements chorused around the room, none even bothering to deny or object to my statement.
Cana then began to run outside the guild, of course I was having none of that shit so I grabbed her, lifted her up, and threw her to Gildarts.
Catching the airborne girl, Gildarts simply stared with the same retarded expression straight at the girl in his arms.
"You're…you're my daughter?"
Cana simply looked down in shame, before replying. "Yeah…"
Gildarts looked like he was about to cry, so I decided it was time to piss everybody off.
"YOINK!"
Right away, Cana vanished into my Kamui dimension, leaving Gildarts to simply stare at me in shock. Of course, before anybody could have reacted, I simply ran out, giving another great big middle finger at the guild before shouting.
"Psyke motherfucker!" Nice, stole some little girl just like an European Muslim immigrant.
As I ran away from the guild, I could hear a bunch of angry swear words sounding like some construction worker that just dropped a bag of cement on his foot in Russia.
Maybe I should let her out?
What even happens in Kamui anyway? They'll just be stuck in the cube world right? What's the time different there? If I take her out will she have died of starvation?
Okay, let's check.
Kamui - take that bitch out!
Instead of Cana, I get a familiar rag-wearing girl that I met at the village some time ago.
"I-I'm Free!" Oops wrong girl.
"In you go!" Another swirly vortex sucked her right up.
"NOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo~"
Well that's that.
Kamui - take out Cana!
The familiar card girl reappeared in the vortex, looking slightly dazed from the experience.
"Hey you, how long were you in there for?"
Shaking her head, Cana looked up to face me, however groggily. "I came out right when I got in…"
Okay so time is either the same or faster than the outside world. Good, I won't have to worry about people starving to death. Oh the rag girl named Mary Sue? Yeah she's staying in there. Or better yet, I'll send her to the sun.
Kamui - send the rag girl to the sun!
Did it happen? Oh well nobody cares anyway.
"Oh yeah, you should go to your dad before he commits genocide." After saying that, I secretly snuck a ticking time bomb of flour and water on Cana's back.
The brown-haired girl did what she was told, clumsily wobbling her way to the guild.
Oh this going to be good.
Ok time to kill myself.
I broke my own neck and dropped to the floor.
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Ok not really, but pretend I did like that episode in Family Guy where Lois asked Peter to join her Book Club.
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Chapter 8 Done! Next Chapter: The Canon Killer!
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[A God's Redemption]
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Minipa, out!
