CHAPTER 8
I froze. Tell…Dimitri? Unthinkable.
"Rose?" Alberta noticed the difference in my attitude.
"I can't." I said shortly.
Alberta frowned. "Rose—" she chastised.
"No, you don't understand," I said. Hysteria was seeping into my voice. "I…I can't."
Alberta's face hardened. "Rose, this isn't about you. It may be hard to tell him, but you owe it not only to him but to that baby, too."
I could hardly believe the next words out of my mouth. "I can't lose this baby." The shock on Alberta's face nearly mirrored mine. "If I tell him, he'll want to be in this baby's life. And if he wants to be in this baby's life…" I stopped, knowing I couldn't finish my sentence without giving up Dimitri's identity.
Alberta was already a step ahead of me. "Rose, you owe it to Dimitri."
I immediately went on the defensive. "I owe it to him?" I snapped. "He left, Alberta!"
She seemed to give weight to my words instead of immediately discarding them. "True. And I, too, am at a loss as to why—"
"It was obviously because he didn't care about me!" I snapped again. "If he could just jump up and leave during my biggest crisis, how in the hell can I count on him to take care of a baby?"
"Dimitri is a good guy," Alberta said. "He is very family-oriented and he wants the best for the people he loves. You know that. That's part of why you love him."
I was surprised by Alberta's calmness while discussing my unorthodox relationship. It was so weird, considering it was frowned upon by all authority. If nothing else, our age difference made our interactions illegal.
But I was even more surprised at her words. Dimitri is a good guy. That's part of why you love him.
"But what if he still wants to be with Tasha?" I asked pathetically. "What if he tries to take this child away?" I would never say it out loud, but part of the reason I was so attached to this baby was because of its connection to Dimitri. This little child was all I had left of him.
Alberta lowered her eyes. "Rose, I don't think Dimitri left to be with Tasha."
I frowned. "Then why did he leave?"
She shook her head. "I honestly don't know. He told us of his new assignment and then left. We hardly had enough time to enlist a new guardian in his place before we lost him."
I sighed. "I just…"
Alberta cut me off. "You're a bright girl, Rose. You're someone that I've always admired. You're strong-willed and a talented fighter. You may be a pain in the ass at times, but when you go against authority, usually it's for a good, valid reason. You are responsible, even though sometimes you don't act like it. And you've shaped into a wonderful guardian-to-be. Part of that is thanks to Dimitri."
I was in awe over Alberta's praise. I nearly didn't catch her addition.
I unwillingly conceded that she was right. Even though I knew plenty clearly that that was true, I was still hurt and angry with Dimitri. I didn't want to think I owed him anything.
Realizing that that was not a fact I wanted to address, Alberta quickly came from another angle. "My point is that you're a mature young woman now, Rose. And while two years ago, I might have had to reconsider my words, now I know that they're true."
Mature? That had never been an adjective I'd heard used in relation to me before.
I sighed. "Damn." I was going to have to call him.
Alberta glowed with pride. Call me self-centered, but I was pretty sure it was because of me and the decision I'd made.
"Can I find Lissa first?" I asked. Maybe that made me weak and pathetic, but I wanted my best friend's support during this.
Alberta quickly agreed. "Absolutely. I'll go find her. Will you be all right?"
I gave her a look. "I'm not going to throw myself down a flight of stairs or something, if that's what you're insinuating."
Alberta made a face in distaste. "I'll be right back with the princess." Before leaving, she paused at the door and turned to me. "Do you…could you tell me where she is?" Spirit was still new to Alberta, too, and she seemed uncomfortable asking for something like that. I supplied the answer quickly and easily, though. With that, Alberta left.
I went out into the main part of my room and sat on the floor, leaning against my bed. Left alone, I pondered how this would play out. My heart was beating erratically in my chest. The thought of hearing that velvety, accented voice nearly made me melt to butter.
What freaked me out? His reaction. What would that be? Would he be happy or upset? Hell, would he believe me?
I had a vivid image in my mind of Dimitri showing up with Tasha and insisting that they could take better care of that child than I could. What was even worse? I could almost believe they were right. It would definitely make my future easier. With a child, I was in even more danger of being refused as Lissa's guardian.
I immediately snapped out of it, shuddering. I was disgusted with myself. I just got through telling Alberta that I wanted to keep this baby. I loved this baby. I didn't even know it yet, yet I was certain it would soon mean more to me than life itself.
And then it hit me. If that baby meant so much to me already, imagine how much it would mean to Dimitri? Even though he could be out with Tasha right now, making different babies with her, who was I to play God with this child's life and forcibly keep Dimitri out of it? As soon as he heard the news, I knew he would automatically love this child, even if it put a cramp in his life just as it had mine.
I looked up as my door burst open. Lissa rushed in and immediately demanded to know what was wrong.
"Alberta told me you needed to see me right away, and that it was urgent."
I nodded. "It is."
"Well get talking!" She put her hands on her hips, but her face was creased in concern. "That news left Adrian and Christian just as worried, but Alberta wouldn't let them come!"
I flushed as I contemplated their reactions after hearing my news. Shooting an unsure look at Alberta, she smiled in reassurance.
Lissa, witnessing this transaction, frowned and dropped to her knees. It put her at my height on the floor. She took my clammy hands in hers and said, "Rose?"
"Liss," I said slowly, "I…I'm pregnant."
Lissa frowned in confusion. "But...but he was a dhampir!"
Alberta piped in, "I have a theory about that. But I might be completely off base."
We both listened as Alberta explained, "I think it's connected to Rose being shadow-kissed. I'm not sure how and I'm not sure why, but that's the only way I can make sense of her fertility situation."
I frowned this time. "Being shadow-kissed puts me closer to death. Why would that give me the ability to bring more life into this world?"
Alberta shrugged. "Like I said, I may be completely off-base with my theory. But I don't have anything else to go on. Two dhampirs can't conceive together; it's that simple. Yet you and Dimitri have."
There was nothing else to say. Alberta was right. And even though her theory didn't necessarily make sense, it was the closest we had come to a reason.
"Well, that explains your sickness," Lissa finally said.
I couldn't deal with small talk. My nerves were still ratcheted up. "Liss, I have to call Dimitri to tell him."
I not only saw the panic on her face but also felt it through the bond. "Are you sure you can do that?"
I shrugged, unable to formulate a response. After swallowing a few times, I said, "I'm going to try." Looking at Alberta, I added, "I owe it to him."
She looked surprised to hear me say that, after seeing how unhappy I had been over that phrase earlier. But that pride glowed fiercely in her face as she nodded at me encouragingly.
Lissa smiled, too, and squeezed my hand. "I'll be right here."
Alberta handed me my cell phone and took a seat in my desk chair patiently. My fingers shook as I scrolled through my phone book to find his number. When I did, I hesitated before selecting it. If I dialed, it would mean talking to him. Telling him the truth. Risk losing my child.
Taking a deep breath, I pressed the call button.
It rang a few times and then went to voicemail. It was an automated message. No hearing that beautiful voice, after all.
I hung up with a frown and said dejectedly, "He didn't answer."
Lissa quickly produced her own cell phone. "Try a different number. Maybe he'll answer then."
I went through the same motions on her phone, but got the same outcome.
Alberta, who had been silent through this whole thing, fidgeted uncomfortably. I saw her reach in her pocket, but when her fingers emerged, they were empty. She wasn't going to offer me her cell phone.
I wasn't sure why not. Was it because she was worried she wouldn't be able to get through either? Or was she worried because hers was the one number that Dimitri probably would answer to?
Either way, it didn't matter. Our eyes met, and Alberta shrugged half-heartedly. "I'm sorry, Rose." She said. "I guess…I guess that means there's nothing left to try."
I didn't object, even though I was torn over whether or not I was happy or upset that I hadn't gotten in touch with him.
Lissa was watching me intently, worried about my reaction. When I finally turned to look at her, I forced a smile onto my face. "Thank you," I said. "You being here helped me a lot."
"I didn't do anything," she giggled.
"But you showed solidarity," Alberta chimed in with a smile. "That's what good friends do."
Lissa smiled in thanks to the head guardian, but then looked concerned again.
"So what do we do now?"
Alberta spoke in an authoritative voice. "Well, Rose will take care of herself and the baby. I'll talk to Dr. Olendzki and we'll get you in for some check-ups. In the meantime, continue your schoolwork. You'll have trials soon and you'll want to be in prime shape for them."
Lissa rubbed my hands soothingly. "We'll make sure that Rose takes it easy."
Alberta smiled and then excused herself.
Lissa smiled at me. "I'm proud of you, too, you know. What you did…that was very mature. I'm sorry it didn't really work out, though."
I shrugged. "I tried, I guess. I just feel guilty now that Dimitri doesn't know."
Some of spirit's darkness reared its ugly head within Lissa. She scowled. "He's the one who left. I don't care if he ever finds out, that selfish—"
"Lissa!" I interrupted her. "Stop it. It's the darkness again. Rein it in. Regain control."
She took a few deep breaths and then said, "You're right. I'm sorry."
I hugged her. "Just breathe. I can't have you losing it. I have a feeling this is going to be rough as it is."
"You mean your pregnancy? People can hardly handle you when your hormones are in check; now that they're running wild, too? Watch out, St. Vlad's, Rosemarie Hathaway is on the loose."
I laughed. I was happy for the moment. Only in the back of my mind was I concerned about Dimitri and his unknown role in this child's life.
There was one thing I was certain of: I wouldn't let this child get hurt. I would protect my baby with my life and I would give this little boy or girl the best that I possibly could. Whether I had a man by my side or whether it was my sole responsibility, I would cherish my child and make sure that the sun and the moon revolved around them.
I smiled as I touched my stomach. Despite the fact that I was only a few weeks into the pregnancy, I would have sworn that I felt that little bugger kick.
DPOV (Dimitri)
When Princess Vasilisa had come to my door, it had taken every ounce of strength in my body to close the door on her. As soon as she had spoken Rose's name, though, I knew I had to.
Leaving Rose was the hardest thing I'd ever had to do. I had literally felt like my heart was chipping with every step I took towards the plane. I kept seeing her beautiful face and her long, wavy hair. I could still feel the warmth of her soft lips on mine. And then I saw the tears in her eyes, the way her bottom lip trembled when she spoke about her friends.
I knew it killed a little piece of her when she lost Mason in Spokane. And then after the Strigoi attack, I watched as another piece was lost after Eddie was killed. It hurt me just as painfully watching her suffer.
Yet, despite the pain that it brought me, I knew leaving her was the only option. It was clear after I saw her that first time in the gym, and even clearer after the second.
I knew something was wrong with Rose. It was obvious. I knew she was depressed—that week of watching her curl up miserably in her room was almost equally as painful as her cold jabs in the gym. I also knew that the anger was uncharacteristic. I suspected it had something to do with spirit's darkness, but I couldn't stick around to find out.
I knew that Lissa and Adrian would figure it out. The two of them showing up at my door proved that.
A small part of the reason it was so hard to leave her was because I was leaving before I saw her get cured. I knew that Lissa would fix her. Lissa cared about Rose like a sister, and there was no way that Lissa would let Rose go on in this funk. Not to mention Adrian, who was obviously in love with Rose. He would be damned if she went on in this hellish mood, too. As much as it pained me to say it, I knew that Rose would be safe left in her friends' hands.
And I couldn't stick around to help. I knew that if I was there after Rose was restored, I wouldn't be able to leave. I wouldn't be able to bring myself to part from her warm embrace. I had to leave now, even though it made me seem cold and heartless.
There was a part of me that feared that I was already viewed as such in Rose's eyes. Her testimony said so.
"It's still inappropriate."
"And if I hadn't been fucking around, I would have been able to sense the Strigoi sooner. And if I'd sensed the Strigoi sooner, I would have been able to save Eddie."
"And if you hadn't been fucking with my head at the ski lodge, if you hadn't pretended to care about me and all that crap about me 'meaning something'—if you had been a good guardian instead of leading me on, you wouldn't have said a damn thing about Spokane. And if you hadn't said that, then I never would have told Mason while trying to pretend to be into him to try to make you jealous!—and Mase never would have died either!"
I remembered her words clearly, and they stung just as harshly now as they did then.
If I had thought that it was simply the anger talking, I would never have left her side. I would have fought relentlessly until I figured out how to help her. I would have made sure that she knew the truth: that I loved her with all of my heart, and I always would.
But I saw it. I saw it clearly in her eyes. She believed every word of what she said. It wasn't just the anger fueling some meaningless, cruel jabs. Everything she said was true in her eyes. She blamed me for her friends' deaths, and how could I stick around after knowing that? After she came right out and said that she viewed me with disgust and abhorrence? How could I force her to stay around me when she was repulsed by my presence?
Maybe it was immature of me to leave. Maybe it was selfish and the wrong choice. But I had to stick to it.
Like I said, it took every ounce of strength in my body to turn my back on her. I still felt the empty ache in my body. Even being with my friend couldn't solve it. It was like I was addicted to Rose—it physically hurt to be away from her.
But I refused to give in.
Tasha saw that I was in pain, and I knew that she knew it had to do with Rose. She didn't address it though, and I was grateful for that.
Several days after I had settled in with Tasha—though the pain of leaving was still fresh—I received a phone call from the academy.
I took one look at the caller ID and I felt the air whoosh out of my body.
Roza.
Whatever minimal progress I had made being distanced from her was immediately shattered. Every bone in my body ached to answer the phone and hear her sweet voice. Air was hard to come by as I contemplated what she wanted to say. Was she angry with me for leaving? Was she saddened? Or was she happy? Why was she calling?
Just as quickly as the ringing started, it stopped. Part of me deflated. I had missed her phone call. The other part exhaled in relief. I had kept some of my progress, at least.
And then it rang again. This time it was Lissa's number. I almost gave in and answered—was something so important that it was imperative that Rose reached me?—but then I stopped again. I had left for a reason, and, despite what it seemed, it was for Rose. More likely than not, it was Rose trying to call me again on Lissa's number. If I answered it, I would lose my resolve. I would want to turn around and run right back to the Academy.
The ringing stopped.
I stopped worrying after a moment. If something were so important that I absolutely had to be reached, Alberta would call. I would answer it no matter what if it was Alberta's number on my caller ID.
Like I said, maybe it was immaturity on my part. Maybe I was completely wrong in leaving, and maybe I was causing more damage than rectifying what I had already caused.
But I had no choice but to stick with it. My eyes lingered on the phone's text, reading Roza on the "missed calls" list. I fought every urge in my body to call back, and then closed the phone dejectedly. I slowly put it back in my pocket, and closed my eyes.
Goodbye, Roza.
