Not beta'd, all mistakes are mine.
I awake with the worst feeling in my life. Anger, hungover, and guilty just to name a few. Jacob snores loudly to my left, clearly satisfied with the turn of events from last night. He had picked me up almost immediately after I had called. We took a few shots back at my home, and went to work removing each other's clothes. It was familiar, the same routine it was when we were together. But it was different. The way his hands ran over my body was a nauseating at best. His muscles that were once a turn on were too hard to the touch. The skin I use to love was too rough. The lips I use to kiss were too chapped.
I rip the covers off and take the short walk to the shower. Already naked, I turn the knob to the hottest water setting and step in. It was a futile attempt but I want the smell of his cheap cologne off of me. I can't help but imagine how much better Rosalie smelled in comparison. I imagine that her hands would have been much softer running over my body. I test out my own hands on my forearm, touching very softly. Would her hands feel as soft as mine? I close my eyes and remember that look she gave me. Instantly the heat between my legs return. Would it be better if she touched me last night instead? I pull on a now hardened nipple and let loose a low moan.
Would Rosalie touch me like this? I run a free hand down the flat plane of my stomach and feel myself grow more excited. I imagine her soft lips peppering kisses where my fingertips danced. I slid my hand down further until I reach my already wet folds. I can't help the satisfied sigh escape my lips. I moan lowly as I pinch and roll my clit between skilled fingers.
Already, I'm so close. "Rosalie," I gasp out as I finally push myself over the edge. I stand under the hot water for a long time to allow myself to come down from my orgasm. As the feeling of euphoria escapes it's replaced by an overwhelming amount of guilt. What kind of pervert am I? Did I just masturbate to Rosalie Hale; to a woman?
I begin to sob lightly. I know this isn't normal, what I'm doing, what I'm feeling isn't normal. But I know I'm not a lesbian right? No. No way.
My inner musings are interrupted as I feel Jacob slip in the shower behind me. Without saying a word he places light kisses on my neck and slides his arms around my waist. It wasn't enjoyable. The longer he stood there the more I could feel his erection pressing into my lower back. I have to fight the temptation to shutter in disgust.
Jacob then turns me around and kisses me on the mouth. I feel the stubble on his face and note how uncomfortable it feels.
"Jacob," I mumble into his mouth. He hums in acknowledgement but doesn't stop. "Jacob," I try a little harder and was pleased to see him stop. I shake my head lightly. "I'm a little sore after last night," I lie. "I'm not in the mood to go again so soon." He looks at me for a long while before nodding, and with a disappointed sigh, begins to lather himself up with the washcloth. Feeling suddenly uncomfortable I quickly take my exit from the shower.
As I stand before my bed toweling off I listen to the drone of my answering machine. Random work messages that I will pass to my secretary, and Rosalie asking if I can make our scheduled appointment in a few hours. Just the sound of her voice causes my cheeks to taint a scarlet red. Before I allow my thoughts to run ramped again, I finish dressing, grab the car keys from the dresser, and inform Jacob that I'm off.
I had made it a point to call Eric to have a small lunch with him at the café just blocks away from my house before my scheduled meeting. Eric was happy to oblige. When I arrived, he was already seated and waves me over with an enthusiastic wave. I smile shyly at the bold action that draws the attention of the café before weaving my way over.
"Wow, not only did I get to style a famous celebrity's hair, but then said person invites me out for lunch!" He exclaims. I laugh heartily at this antics.
"It's good to see you too Eric."
The server sets our menus and we lapse into a comfortable silence. It wasn't until I was cutting into my breakfast of chicken and waffles before he spoke again.
"So Ms. Bella, please tell me what's on your mind."
"What makes you think that I need to talk about something specific?" Truthfully, Eric was the only gay person I knew, and I invited him out with the hopes of having a conversation to help clear my confusion. Now that I'm here however, I'm not sure I want to know what the truth is.
"Oh please," Eric rolls his eyes dramatically. "I can read you like a book girl, spill."
I chew my lip nervously trying to figure out how to word how I want to say it. "Well, you see, a few weeks agoI was talking to a, uh, friend of mine. During this talk, I expressed that I have never felt pleasure from my husband and they jumped to the conclusion that I might be," I swallow the word I was going to say next; afraid that if I were to speak it into existence it may be true. I gesture with my hand instead with an added 'you know'. Eric nods his head in understanding and gestures for me to continue. "At first I was pissed. Never in my wildest imagination could I fathom being like that, you know? I've never been attracted to women before, but the more I think about it I've never really been attracted to men either."
I take a small break to sample more of my lunch. "But then, I met someone." Eric's eyebrows hike at the information, and if it were even possible, he leans further forward into his seat. "I don't even know how to describe it, I met her at the party you did my hair for and she strolled up behind me, like something from a book. Just, perfect in every single way. At first I thought I was just envious, that I want to look like that. But the more we meet, the more I'm afraid that's not the case."
I pause momentarily, a light blush now resting on my cheeks. "Now, when I see her I feel a little happier, like the weight on my shoulders is lifted when she smiles at me. Her whole being intoxicates me. Her hair, her eyes, the way she dresses, her smell; it shuts down all reasonable thought and all I can think about is her. I just, don't know what to think anymore."
Eric, who sat patiently listening, now sits up and rests a reassuring hand on my forearm. "You poor confused thing," he whispers.
"I'm going to tell you a story. Once upon a time there existed a less fabulous version of myself. I was in high school, young, impressionable, and just trying to figure myself out. I wanted to fit in so I got a girlfriend and then I joined the tennis team and that's where I met him, and just like that my sexuality was awaked. I was confused and scared, much like yourself. I ran from my feelings. I ran from everyone because I was too ashamed to let anyone know how I actually felt. My girlfriend at the time, found out and instantly broke up with me. I thought I wanted to marry her. I became so distraught and upset and angry that I was going to be subjected to this life.
Then, a few months later to my surprised, he asked me out. The time that we spent together after that was magical. I couldn't imagine being any happier than I was. We spent the remainder of our high school career together, married a few years ago."
Listen, I don't have the answers, and I can't make your decisions for you. I can however, give you some advice. Don't worry about labels. It sounds like to me that you have genuine feelings for her. Don't run from them, instead, embrace them and see where it takes you. Maybe it's a fluke, or a phase of some kind. Or, maybe it's not. Wouldn't you want to know?"
I was so wrapped up in my thoughts that I don't even notice my body went on auto drive Rosalie's office. The conversation that had happened between Eric and I a few hours prior has been on constant replay. Would I want I know?
Her receptionist, whose name manages to elude me every time, greets me warmly and seats me in Rosalie's personal office. An upgrade of sorts. I am taking in the new surroundings before the goddess herself strolls in dressed simply in a pair of black skinnies and a loose, flowing top.
"Hi," she greets quickly, clearly in a rush to put away the stack of documents that are all but over flowing from her hands. I notice that her hair, although neatly pulled back into a ponytail, has many stray hairs escaping.
"Hey," I return as I study the dark circles under her eyes almost hidden by her concealer. "Are you alright?"
Rosalie pulls a notepad out of her stack and pulls the pen from behind her ear before studying me with an indescribable look. "Yes, why wouldn't I be?"
"Well," I begin, "for starters I'm not in your therapy room, but your office. And I don't know, you seems a little off."
Rosalie chuckles lightly. "I appreciate your concern Isabella but I'm quite alright. I thought a change in scenery would be nice since our memories in the past room were not ideal. If you don't mind I'm going to leave the floor to you today. We can talk about as little, or as much as you want." With that, the blonde leans comfortable back in her chair, and waits for me to begin.
I chew my bottom lip nervously in the pregnant pause.
"It's been on my mind recently, any especially last night and this morning. Last night I invited Jacob over and we had sex." I pause momentarily to gauge her reaction, but she keeps her face completely neutral.
"It, wasn't right." I flick my hair back in frustration. "None of it was right and that frustrates me. And as much as I hate to admit it, maybe I was wrong. Something is happening in my life that is turning it upside down and it's honestly scaring the shit out of me. I'm afraid. I'm afraid because I know that in the bottom of my heart I really want my marriage to work." A tear escapes my eye and I furiously try to wipe it before more fall.
Rosalie sighs lightly before tucking the note pad away. "Bella," the use of my pet name from her instantly draws my attention from my silent weeping.
"Bella, I have been giving this situation, your situation, a lot of thought. Do you remember when I told you that I was not going to be able to make a concrete decision on your marriage until I saw how you two interacted? I have since reached my conclusion. I believe both you and I know that this marriage between yourself and Jacob, is not going to work. There's nothing I can do to fix it."
"Why won't you try?"
Suddenly Rosalie focuses on me with an intensity I have never seen before. "We both know why," she states quietly.
I stare at her for a long time; my brain furiously trying to figure out a response, anything I can use to dispute her statement. I come up with nothing.
Wouldn't you want to know?
"No," I mutter. "No I wouldn't want to know. Why would I want to know something that will ruin my marriage, throw my life into turmoil, and leave me feeling confused and angry?" I can't stop the tears that run down my face.
Before I'm aware of the movement, I am wrapped tightly in Rosalie's warm embrace. I cry. I cry harder than I ever have in my life. I cry over the memory of my earlier marriage. I cry over the hurt I still experience from being cheated on. I cry over the thought of my new found feelings, and possible new label I will acquire. I cry over the fact that I have feelings for person who was supposed to fix my marriage. I cry because I know that I can't keep the promise I made myself, and the irrefutable fact that my marriage is over. I cry until there are no tears left and I'm left a shivering mess in Rosalie's embrace. Even when I am finished, I don't let go. In fact I hold her tighter as if she is the only thing left anchoring me to this world.
I leave her office shortly after that, unfocused on my destination yet still managing to return home. It is well after dark when push I weighted front door open. The smell from the kitchen is mouthwatering, and even though all I want to do is curl up in a corner and stay there, the smell is enough to pique my interest.
Jacob is at the stove stirring, what I assume to be, some kind of soup. He lifts his head at the notice of my presence. "Bells, hi," he greats warmly. "I made us dinner. Good thing I forgot and had to start late since it took you quite some time to get home."
"Thank you for the dinner," I respond; pointedly avoiding the unasked question of my location. Jacob undoubtedly still hated her, and that was not an argument I want to participate in. I pull the plates down from the cabinet and set the table while Jacob brings dinner over in a separate bowl. Wordlessly, he makes the plates while I pour each of us a glass of wine.
"So are you going to tell me where you were today?"
I scoff lightly. "I don't see how that's any of your business."
"I don't see why it's not," Jacob makes a face of confusion. "We have fantastic sex the night before, yet you rejected my touch earlier today. Then you leave without a proper goodbye and don't come back until late in the night. Under those circumstances I believe it's within my right to ask you where you've been all day." Jacob takes a sip of his wine while he waits for me to answer. I soup another mouthful of soup and chew thoughtfully on it.
"If, we were in a normal relationship then yes, that would be a valid question. However, in the context of our current relationship I don't feel obligated to answer that question. But, to ease your worries I'm not one to step out of my marriage. I am not having an affair."
Jacob catches the jab I sent his way and winces slightly. "I wasn't accusing you of it."
"No, but it sounds like you were implying it." I sigh heavily when I see the hurt look on his face. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to be snippy but it's been a rough day to say the least."
Jacob moves from this chair to stand behind mine and begins to rub my shoulders. He leans down closer to my ear. "I think I know of a way to help relieve that stress,"
I shrug his touch off. "Jacob please, I'm not in the mood."
He throws his hands up exasperated. "Ok what's going on? One moment you want me, the next you don't. I'm not going to play these games with you anymore Bella. What the fuck is going on with us? Why won't you let me touch you?"
"Why won't you try?"
"We both know why," I whisper.
Jacob looks at me for a long time. Hard unwavering eyes never leaving my wet gaze. He paces away before punching the kitchen wall. I flinch.
"Jacob I-"
"I know," he cuts me off. "I've always known Bella."
Hey I'm alive and made it through my first semester in college! Recommendation for anyone entering college, please don't take your fist semester. Anywho, I have great news! One, I have the next few chapters written they just need heavy editing. And two I'M GOING TO JAPAN! After weeks of stress and struggling, I was accepted and will be in Japan for a year studying abroad woot woot. Fear not, for where there is wifi, there are updates.
This chapter took a long time for me to write. We have FINALLY pushed things along this lengthy climax and within these next 3 chapters we will be finally onto some romance! I know everyone (including myself) are looking for RosexBella love, that's what we're all here for amirite.
I'll be pushing these next chapters out right after another because it'll flow better that way. The next chapter is under some editing but expect it to be up in a few days
