Episode Eight:
Confidence Man, or In which Kate does not like Sawyer, not even one tiny little bit
Scene opens on KATE, who is WALKING down the BEACH with BANANAS. She FINDS a pile of CLOTHES and a copy of WATERSHIP DOWN.
KATE: Hmm…I wonder if this is a plot point…
SAWYER emerges from the OCEAN. Kate realizes he is NAKED.
KATE: Nice! ––I mean, dammit Sawyer, put some pants on!
SAWYER: I'm reading Watership Down! I'm reading Watership Down! Watership Down! Watership Down!
KATE: No, it's probably not a plot point… If it were, it would be emphasized more.
SAWYER: Can I have a banana?
KATE: No! These bananas are for Jack! Because I like Jack, because he is a good person, and I hate you, because you are a bad person!
SAWYER: You're just trying to convince yourself, you know.
KATE: Yeah, well…shut up!
Kate STORMS OFF angrily and Sawyer has a FLASHBACK. He is in a HOTEL BED with a RANDOM WOMAN, presumable POST-COITUS.
RANDOM WOMAN: Fawn fawn, adore adore adore.
SAWYER: Yeah, I know I'm hot.
RANDOM WOMAN: Oh no! Sawyer, you only have two minutes to get to your super-important meeting!
SAWYER: Whoops! Well, I'd better just grab this broken briefcase and––
Stacks of MONEY fall out of the BRIEFCASE.
SAWYER: Whoops! That was totally unintentional!
Back on the ISLAND, SAWYER finds BOONE exploring his STASH.
BOONE: It's me again! Attempting to do something right but failing miserably!
SAWYER: Oh boy, I finally have an excuse to beat up Boone! Wait till I tell Sayid!
Scene cuts to SAYID, being DOCTORED by JACK.
JACK: The secret to my whole "doctor" thing is really just Band-Aids and peroxide, but no one must ever find out. The only reason they let me boss them around is because they think they need me if they get hurt. So as long as I control the peroxide…I control the island. Mwahaha.
SAYID: Someone destroyed my vaguely electronic-looking equipment. This makes me enraged.
JACK: Really? You don't sound enraged.
SAYID: Enraged.
JACK: Well, don't worry, Sayid. Being Superman, I will track down the culprit and make sure he is brought to justice.
SAYID: Bah! My ability to avoid the use of contractions can beat your Superman abilities any day!
SHANNON appears with BOONE.
SHANNON: Well, my idiot brother has gotten himself beat up again, and he's getting blood on my shirt, so could someone please take him off my hands?
JACK: I'll do it!
SAYID: No, I will do it!
Jack and Sayid HELP Boone to SIT down.
BOONE: Sawyer beat me up for absolutely no reason!
JACK: Gasp!
SHANNON: Gasp!
SAYID: I am also gasping!
-LOST-
Scene opens on CLAIRE at the BEACH. CHARLIE approaches.
CHARLIE: Hey, Claire! Wow, you're still pregnant!
CLAIRE: Yep! I'm just pregnant pregnant pregnant!
CHARLIE: In order to establish the secondary plotline of this episode, allow me to profess my worry about Claire living at the beach.
CLAIRE: It's okay, I'm protected from heat stroke by this hat I stole from a random suitcase! My scalp's been itching a lot, though…
Back at the CAVES, JACK is now DOCTORING BOONE.
BOONE: Jack, you're hurting me!
JACK: Oh, don't be such a crybaby.
BOONE: From what I hear, you're a pretty big crybaby yourself.
JACK: Yeah, but I'm a hero, so for me it means I'm being sensitive.
BOONE: Yeah, well…Sawyer beat me up for no reason! I may have been going through his stuff at the time, but that was obviously completely unrelated to why he attacked me––
JACK: I see.
BOONE: I was looking for Shannon's inhalers.
JACK: What makes you think he has Shannon's inhalers?
BOONE: Oh, well, I used some pretty good logic to figure it out.
Boone is very PROUD of himself for his BRILLIANCE.
BOONE: See, the inhalers were in my suitcase with the book Watership Down, and Sawyer has the book Watership Down!
JACK: I don't get it.
BOONE: He must've gotten the book from my suitcase! It's completely impossible for him to have gotten it any other way!
JACK: Oh! I see what you mean! The book couldn't have fallen out of the suitcase, for example, because that kind of stuff just doesn't happen in a plane crash!
BOONE: Exactly!
Jack and Boone are very PROUD of themselves for this COMBINED BRILLIANCE.
JACK: Well, don't worry, Boone. I will get you those inhalers!
Scene cuts to SAWYER'S TENT. JACK enters.
JACK: Sawyer! I know you have the inhalers, because you are a bad person, and thus it is always your fault when something is missing!
SAWYER: Inhalers? What the––?
JACK: Yep, inhalers. Give 'em to me.
SAWYER: I don't have––
JACK: I know you have them!
SAWYER: But I don't––
JACK: Fine! I'll just beat you up then!
SAWYER: Hah! Don't make me laugh!
KATE enters.
KATE: Don't fight! Fighting makes me upset. I'm very delicate.
JACK: I don't think you can really play the sweet pacifist female card anymore, Kate the Criminal.
KATE: Oh. Right.
JACK: I'll just stomp off and have a temper-tantrum now.
KATE: And I'm going with Jack. Because I hate you, Sawyer. A lot. And I like Jack. So there!
Looking TROUBLED, Sawyer has a FLASHBACK. He is still in the HOTEL ROOM with the RANDOM WOMAN.
RANDOM WOMAN: I think it is very odd that you are carrying around a suitcase full of money, Sawyer. I mean, who really does that besides people in movies?
SAWYER: Well, con men, for one.
RANDOM WOMAN: Con men?
SAWYER: Yeah. But I'm not one of them.
RANDOM WOMAN: Okay.
SAWYER: See, I'm doing this scam––er…investment, and I need another 160 thousand bucks, and then I can invest and the money will be tripled!
RANDOM WOMAN: Good thing you seem so honest and trustworthy, Sawyer, or I might not believe you!
SAWYER: Where, oh where, can I find 160 thousand dollars? Where, oh where––
RANDOM WOMAN: Oh my goodness! I have a totally brilliant idea! My husband can give you 160 thousand dollars!
SAWYER: Wow! I never would have thought of that! I had no idea your husband had that much money! You're so smart, Cass––I mean, Rach––I mean, Kelly––
RANDOM WOMAN: Jess.
SAWYER: Jess! Right!
Back on the ISLAND, JACK and KATE are on the BEACH.
JACK: I want to kill Sawyer! I am so macho!
KATE: Don't worry. I'll just go flirt with him, and I'm sure––
JACK: What? Flirt? Kate!
KATE: But, of course, I hate Sawyer. He is abhorrent. Odios. Detestable. Repugnant. And stinky.
JACK: Good. I am reassured.
ELSEWHERE, SAWYER is CHOPPING WOOD, as all island MEN do when they are feeling TROUBLED. As a result of this, the BEACH is often FULL of FIREWOOD. KATE approaches.
KATE: You're all sweaty, Sawyer. Maybe you should take off your shirt. Not that I want you to take off your shirt. It's just a suggestion. You can keep your shirt on for all I care. Because I'm not attracted to you. At all.
SAWYER: The lady doth protest too much.
KATE: Shut up. So, what do you want for the medicine?
SAWYER: I want you to kiss me.
KATE: Ew, gross!
SAWYER: Please?
KATE: No way! You have cooties!
SAWYER: Aw, come on…just one little kiss? I'll be your boyfriend.
KATE: No…but let's have a Moment in which I attempt to uncover your secret good-heartedness.
SAWYER: Hah! Moments are for sissies!
KATE: I've seen you with that letter. I've seen the expression on your face, the hurt in your eyes, the gentleness of your fingers on the paper, the little golden hairs on your knuckles, the way you rest your tanned forearms on your knees––
SAWYER: You're creeping me out now.
KATE: Um…this is all from casual observation, of course. I mean, it's not like I watch you all the time, or anything. Anyway, the point is, I know you're actually a good person because of how you're so nice to that piece of paper.
SAWYER: How dare you call me a good person! I am deeply offended! And I will prove that I am truly a moral cesspit!
KATE: Um…okay?
SAWYER: Here's that letter! Read it!
He GIVES her the LETTER and she begins to READ.
SAWYER: You have to read it out loud.
KATE: Why?
SAWYER: Because!
KATE: I don't want to read it out loud.
SAWYER: Well, you have to, because otherwise the audience won't know what's going on!
KATE: Fine.
She begins the READ the LETTER.
KATE: Dear Mr. Sawyer…sex with Mommy…stolen money…everyone dies.
SAWYER: Any questions?
KATE: Yeah. Why would someone say "dear" at the beginning of a letter like this? It would sound better if it was "Hated Mr. Sawyer" instead. Or "Despised Mr. Sawyer." Or maybe––
SAWYER: Oh, shut up and let me chop some more wood.
Scene cuts to the CAVES, where SAYID confronts LOCKE.
SAYID: I am the Human Lie Detector!
LOCKE: I thought you were the superhot genius Iraqi hero.
SAYID: Well, that too. But stop changing the subject. Where were you at five o'clock last night?
LOCKE: Um…uh…I was…erm… I was skinning a boar! Yeah, that's it! I definitely wasn't running away giggling after hitting you on the head and destroying all your vaguely electronic-looking equipment!
SAYID: Hmm…I am not sure if I believe you!
LOCKE: Uh-oh, better deflect his suspicion. I think Sawyer did it!
SAYID: Nope, Sawyer was setting off a rocket.
LOCKE: Well, Sawyer smokes. Thus, he has cigarettes. Thus, he must have used a cigarette as a slow fuse!
AUDIENCE: This episode is just full of brilliant logic like that.
SAYID: My goodness! You are clearly right! The logic is impeccable!
LOCKE: Here, have a knife as a gesture of my goodwill!
SAYID: Thanks!
Sayid MARCHES off, PROUD of his LIE-DETECTING ability.
LOCKE: Sucka.
LATER at the CAVES, SHANNON is having DIFFICULTY with BREATHING.
JACK: I am helpless to save Shannon! This makes me very distressed!
SAWYER approaches.
SAWYER: Hiya, Doc!
JACK: Don't you feel guilty, Sawyer? Doesn't it tear you up inside that you can help Shannon breathe and you won't?
SAWYER: Actually, I don't feel guilty at all because I don't even have––
JACK: No, you don't feel guilty, because you're scum, Sawyer. And that's why I am perfectly happy to beat you up!
Jack PUNCHES Sawyer.
SAWYER: You call that a punch? I felt it, but it was like, So what?
ANGRY, Jack PUNCHES Sawyer again.
SAWYER: Again with the nose. I have a chin, you know.
JACK: I would be entirely capable of beating you up more, Sawyer, but I am too good a person for that! So there!
Jack WALKS AWAY.
SAWYER: Pansy.
He has a FLASHBACK. He is in a RESTAURANT with the RANDOM WOMAN and her HUSBAND.
SAWYER: With my scuzzy beard and slicked-back hair, I know I look completely trustworthy! Just like a used-car salesman!
HUSBAND: I am very suspicious.
SAWYER: Don't worry, David. She's got a great transmission, only 20,000 miles on her, and all at the low, low price of––
HUSBAND: What are you talking about? Are you trying to sell me a car?
SAWYER: Uhh…sorry.
RANDOM WOMAN: Anyway, Sawyer, why don't you tell David about the investment? The investment that I have no prior knowledge of. Because I am not a co-conspirator. And I'm not having an affair with this guy, either.
SAWYER: Yep, so, basically, you give me 160 thousand dollars and I skip tow…er, invest it. And then you get it back, times three! Magic!
RANDOM WOMAN: Yay!
HUSBAND: Hmm.
SAWYER: Time for the old reverse-psychology trick! When he sees me walking away, he won't be able to resist calling me back!
Sawyer begins to WALK AWAY.
SAWYER: One…two…three…
NOTHING HAPPENS. Sawyer TRIES AGAIN.
SAWYER: One…two…………………three.
Again, NOTHING.
SAWYER: Oh, hell with it.
He RETURNS to the TABLE.
Back on the ISLAND, CHARLIE and CLAIRE are DRYING CLOTHES.
CHARLIE: I like food! And hey, Claire, you're pregnant! Any cravings?
CLAIRE: Mmm…peanut butter!
CHARLIE: Peanut butter?
CLAIRE: Yeah. I used to have an "I Hate Vegemite" t-shirt, but it got lost in the crash.
CHARLIE: I will get you peanut butter, Claire! No struggle is too difficult or dangerous for the uber-famous Charlie Pace!
AUDIENCE: And it's another great B storyline featuring Charlie.
CHARLIE: You think this is bad? In another few seasons, there's gonna be an episode featuring me getting Hurley and Jin to help me make a Christmas present for Claire. Much hilarity and misunderstanding will ensue!
Scene cuts to the CAVES, where SHANNON is again having DIFFICULTY with BREATHING. She is surrounded by a CIRCLE of ONLOOKERS.
HURLEY: This isn't quite as entertaining as a fight, but hey, we don't have a whole lotta options.
BOONE: Jack! Jack, she's not breathing. Jack, she needs her inhaler. Jack, what are we gonna do? Jack––
JACK: Boone! Go and get me a pen!
BOONE: Okay!
He DASHES off.
JACK: Now don't worry, Shannon, I'm gonna use my Superman powers to save you.
SHANNON: Wheeze.
JACK: I want you to breathe. Do you understand? Wheeze once for yes, twice for no.
SHANNON: Wheeze wheeze snort gasp wheeze!
JACK: What? That's not what I––
SAYID: I think she said, "I can't breathe, I have asthma, you freakin' idiot."
JACK: Oh. Well then, I'll just…get some peroxide.
Jack LEAVES quickly. Sayid FOLLOWS him.
SAYID: Can I torture Sawyer? Can I torture Sawyer? Can I can I can I?
JACK: Well…
SAYID: Pleeeease?
JACK: Fine.
SAYID: Oh boy! Thanks, Jack!
JACK: Man, I'm so cool. No one can do anything on this island without my permission!
Somewhere in the JUNGLE, CHARLIE and HURLEY are WALKING.
CHARLIE: You've got some peanuts, right? I know you've got some peanuts!
HURLEY: Mmm…nope.
CHARLIE: Come on, a couple episodes ago you were fighting with Sawyer about peanuts!
HURLEY: Dude, that was like four episodes ago. They're all gone now. Maybe you should go ask Sawyer.
CHARLIE: No way! I'm not a bloody idiot!
HURLEY: Well, you could ask Kate to ask Sawyer.
CHARLIE: No, Kate ignores me most of the time now.
HURLEY: Well, you could ask Jack to ask Kate to ask Sawyer.
CHARLIE: Jack's been avoiding me. Dunno why. After I saved him from the cave-in we were like best mates, I even played him a medley of Driveshaft songs, but after that he started running away whenever he saw me.
HURLEY: Really.
CHARLIE: Speaking of Driveshaft, have you seen my guitar?
HURLEY: Guitar? Nope.
CHARLIE: Every time I turn my back on it, it seems to disappear. But then it usually turns up behind some rock or other.
HURLEY: No kidding.
CHARLIE: Yeah. It's starting to depress me. But anyway…you're fat!
HURLEY: Really? And did you know Claire's pregnant?
Back at the CAVES, MICHAEL is attempting to GUT a FISH with a HUGE ROCK.
MICHAEL: Hey, this was the smallest rock I could find, okay?
The fish EXPLODES over Michael. SUN approaches.
SUN: This is a good time to talk to Michael about something important! Michael, I need you to go find a plant for me. Obviously I can't do it myself.
MICHAEL: What's it look like?
SUN: It's green.
Scene cuts to SAWYER'S TENT. Sawyer is SLEEPING. He WAKES UP. SAYID is standing in FRONT of him.
SAWYER: Sayid! You been watchin' me sleep, man? You and Kate are both starting to creep me out.
SAYID: I was just waiting for you to wake up so I could knock you out!
SAWYER: Well, that makes sen––
Sayid BASHES Sawyer with a PIPE. With JACK'S HELP, he DRAGS Sawyer into the JUNGLE. KATE approaches.
KATE: Guys, you can't torture Sawyer!
SAYID: And why not?
KATE: Because––because––
JACK: It's not like you like him or anything, Kate.
KATE: Of course not! But it's wrong to torture people!
JACK: Well, it's wrong to kill people too, but that didn't stop you from doing it, did it Kate?
KATE: I really wish you would stop using that whole murdering fugitive thing against me.
Deep in the JUNGLE, JACK and SAYID have TIED SAWYER to a TREE.
SAWYER: Ooooh, I'm scared.
JACK: You should be scared! I can be deadly with my peroxide, you know! Now gimme the inhalers, Sawyer!
SAWYER: I told you, I don't have the freakin'––
JACK: Fine! Be that way! Torture him, Sayid!
SAYID: Torture! My favorite!
Sayid TORTURES Sawyer by sticking BAMBOO under his FINGERNAILS. This UPSETS Jack greatly.
JACK: Stop!
SAWYER: Pansy.
SAYID: Tell us where the medicine is, Sawyer, or I will squeeze the jelly from your eyes. Does that sound nice?
SAWYER: No. Not particularly.
SAYID: Actually, it's quite good on toast.
SAWYER: Really? What kind of toast? Pumpernickel? Rye?
JACK: Sayid! Get on with it!
SAYID: Right! The medicine!
JACK: Tell us where it is, or else!
SAWYER: Fine! But I'll only tell…her.
JACK: Who? Shannon?
SAWYER: No.
JACK: Claire? Sun?
SAWYER: No.
JACK: …Shelob?
SAWYER: Kate, you asshat!
Sawyer has a FLASHBACK. He is in a POOL HALL with a POOL HALL GUY.
POOL HALL GUY: The basic gist here is that I'm a fierce loan shark-type, and Sawyer borrowed money from me to run his scam. Get it?
SAWYER: Keep your shirt on, you'll get your money back.
POOL HALL GUY: Threaten menace menace threaten.
SAWYER: I'm picking it up tomorrow!
POOL HALL GUY: You'd better. Otherwise I will loom threateningly over you some more.
Back on the ISLAND, KATE arrives in the JUNGLE.
KATE: Gimme the medicine, Sawyer.
SAWYER: You gotta kiss me first.
KATE: Dammit, Sawyer! What the hell's wrong with you?
SAWYER: I've just been tortured. And now I'll be damned if I don't get some action out of it!
KATE: Fine. I'll kiss you. But I still hate you. And you smell.
Kate KNEELS down, looking very TROUBLED.
KATE: Alas, alas, woe is me, I must kiss Sawyer. My life is utterly terrible in every way.
She KISSES him. A LOT. For a LONG TIME.
KATE: Well, that was the worst kiss ever!
SAWYER: Right.
KATE: I hate you!
SAWYER: Right.
KATE: Oh yeah…the medicine. Where is is?
SAWYER: Oh, that. Yeah, I don't have it.
KATE: What! Now I hate you even more!
She HITS him, and STORMS off.
SAWYER: Come back! I'm still tied to the damn tree!
Kate tells JACK and SAYID that Sawyer DOESN'T HAVE the MEDICINE.
SAYID: No! He is lying! I am the Human Lie Detector! Sawyer is evil! He is responsible for every bad thing that happens on the island! It must have been him who destroyed my vaguely electronic-looking equipment! Even though he had just shot off a rocket two kilometers away! He must have used a cigarette to make a slow fuse! And he timed the fuse so that the rocket would shoot off at exactly the right time!
JACK: Don't you think you're reaching a litte there, Sayid?
SAYID: No! Because I am a superhot genius! I am always right!
KATE: Hang on…didn't you say the transceiver was receiving a signal? That means it was working, right? That means Sawyer must have been there to switch on his antenna, right?
SAYID: La la la, I'm not listening, I'm not listening!
Sayid RUNS back to SAWYER, brandishing his KNIFE. But Sawyer, who has gotten his HANDS FREE, TACKLES Sayid. They FIGHT. Sayid sticks his KNIFE into Sawyer's ARM.
SAYID: I didn't mean to! I was attacking him with a knife, but I didn't want to hurt him!
JACK: Sayid! Go get my peroxide!
SAYID: It was a mistake, Jack! Please don't put me in time-out!
JACK: Go!
Sayid RUNS off to the CAVES, where he meets BOONE.
BOONE: Hey, I've got that pen!
SAYID: What?
BOONE: Pen! Jack told me to go get a pen! I'll come with you so I can give it to him!
SAYID: Uhhh…
SHANNON: Boone (wheeze), don't (wheeze) leave me (wheeze).
BOONE: Of course, Shannon! I will stay by your side!
SAYID: I will pause to gaze upon this touching brother-sister scene. Even though Sawyer is dying somewhere in the jungle.
Eventually, Sayid RUNS off with Jack's BAND-AIDS and PEROXIDE. He PASSES a very STRANGE-LOOKING BUSH.
STRANGE-LOOKING BUSH: No, it's me, Michael. I brought back all the green plants I could find.
SUN approaches.
SUN: Oh, good! Now let's see…
She RUMMAGES through Michael's PLANTS.
SUN: Here it is!
JIN approaches.
JIN: I don't believe you! First you steal my watch, now you try to steal my wife!
MICHAEL: Yeah, you suck too.
Scene cuts to JACK, SAWYER, KATE, and SAYID in the JUNGLE.
SAWYER: I hate everyone. Especially Jack.
JACK: Well, I hate you too. But I can't let you die. Because I'm Superman!
SAWYER: Yeah, well…I made out with Kate! Ha ha!
SAYID: What? Sawyer…
JACK: What? Kate…
Sawyer has a FLASHBACK. He is in the HOUSE of the RANDOM WOMAN and her HUSBAND.
SAWYER: So, thanks for the money! Now I'll just skip tow…er, invest it.
RANDOM WOMAN: Yay!
HUSBAND: I am still slightly suspicious!
A BOY appears.
SAWYER: Woah…I had no idea this woman had a son! Even though I could have easily found out, and thus not picked her for my mark in the first place!
HUSBAND: Anything wrong?
SAWYER: Well, besides the fact that your son reminds me of my own horrifically tragic past, no. Deal's off.
RANDOM WOMAN: Is this another reverse-psychology trick?
HUSBAND: You can't call off the deal! I demand you take this money! I demand you rip me off!
SAWYER: Sorry, no can do. I must stride away dramatically!
Back on the ISLAND, SAWYER is ASLEEP in his TENT with a BANDAGED ARM. He WAKES UP, to find KATE sitting by his BED.
SAWYER: Dammit! Now you're watching me sleep, too!
KATE: I'm trying to figure you out, Sawyer. I'm trying to figure out why you pretended to have Shannon's inhalers when you really didn't.
SAWYER: I tried to tell Jack about a thousand times that I didn't have them, but he kept interrupting me!
KATE: Oh. Well, he does tend to do that. Um…
SAWYER: Hey, why do you have my letter? Did you take that out of my pocket while I was asleep?
KATE: Um…yes. Anyway…I made the shocking discovery that you wrote this letter!
SAWYER: Oh, yeah. Didn't I tell you that?
KATE: No!
SAWYER: Yep. A con man destroyed my life, and then I became a con man.
Oh, the IRONY.
KATE: And how does that make you feel?
SAWYER: Like crap!
KATE: Had any interesting dreams lately?
SAWYER: Yeah, there was this one… I was out in a boat on a lake with Sayid, and there were all these white birds in the water. Then it started raining–– Hang on a sec, why are you asking about my dreams?
KATE: Sorry. Never mind. I'll just be going.
Scene cuts to the CAVES, where SUN is rubbing GUNK on SHANNON'S CHEST. JACK and BOONE approach.
JACK: Nice work, Sun! You're doing a great job applying that mixture I made!
SUN: What? No, I––
JACK: I saved Shannon, everyone!
SUN: Actually, I saved––
JACK: You can't speak English! You can't contradict me!
BOONE: Thanks for saving my sister, Jack! I worship you! I fall down and lick your feet in my abject––
JACK: All in a day's work!
SUN: Bastard.
Scene cuts to the BEACH, where CLAIRE is RESTING. CHARLIE approaches.
CHARLIE: I come bearing peanut butter!
CLAIRE: Really?
CHARLIE: Yeah!
CLAIRE: Oh my gosh, I'm so excited! Peanut butter! I love peanut butter!
Charlie brings out an EMPTY JAR.
CHARLIE: Here it is!
CLAIRE: This is a joke, right?
CHARLIE: Huh?
CLAIRE: I mean, you do have a real jar of peanut butter, right?
CHARLIE: This is a real jar of peanut butter! It's so extra-creamy that it's invisible!
CLAIRE: You bastard! I thought you had peanut butter! You got my hopes up for nothing!
CHARLIE: But Claire…this was supposed to be an incredibly sweet and romantic gesture!
CLAIRE: Well, for future reference, Charlie, girls don't like getting invisible presents!
CHARLIE: Oh. Okay. I guess that's why Linda wouldn't marry me when I gave her that invisible engagement ring.
ELSEWHERE on the BEACH, KATE is STANDING by the OCEAN, looking TROUBLED. SAYID approaches.
SAYID: I'm leaving!
KATE: To go where?
SAYID: Oh, you know…see what's out there. There could be a beach resort on the other side of the island, for all we know!
KATE: Yeah…or there could be a freakin' monster.
SAYID: I'm the superhot genius Iraqi hero! I can handle a monster! Anyway, the real monster is inside myself.
KATE: Huh?
SAYID: Once, many years ago, I swore I would never torture anyone again. But I broke that promise. Then, I swore it again. But again, I broke the promise. Then I made a final, solemn vow that I would never torture again. I broke that one as well. But this time it is going to stick! I can feel it!
KATE: Okay, well…good luck.
Sayid STRIDES away. ELSEWHERE on the BEACH, CLAIRE is MOVING to the CAVES.
CHARLIE: But Claire, why are you moving? You said you would only move if I brought you peanut butter, and I didn't!
CLAIRE: I'm just moving to the caves to get away from you.
CHARLIE: But Claire…I live at the caves.
CLAIRE: You do? Damn.
SAWYER is SITTING with his LETTER and a LIGHTER on the BEACH.
SAWYER: Hm, I would set it on fire…but it's so useful as a sympathy device to attract hot chicks!
KATE: I'm not attracted to you! And I'm not spying on you from the jungle, either!
-LOST-
AN: So I'm a day late with this update...but it turned out a lot longer than I thought it would be, the longest yet. I hope that means it's good. :D Having to mock Sayid was very traumatizing; I had to compensate by taking out Jack's "Jedi moment" and then making him claim credit for Shannon's cure. And Sawyer's dream is meant to be a scene from the The Notebook. Oh yes, and I am now beginning to mock Sayid for his lack of contraction usage. He hardly ever uses them. He would never say a casual "My name's Sayid Jarrah, and I'm a torturer." No, for him it's gotta be "My name is Sayid Jarrah, and I am a torturer." Basically, Sayid makes contractions look uncool.
In other news, I saw Pirates this weekend, and it was good! I noticed Kelvin/Joe in the preview for that Guardian movie with Ashton Kutcher, and I was like, It's KELVIN! and my friends were like, Enh? Also, a wig-less, scruffy Norrington looks kind of like...Desmond. And Desmond is damn sexy. So anyway, you should see Pirates.
Oh yeah, and Henry Ian Cusick got an Emmy nod! Yay for him, hope he wins. Complete crap that Lost didn't get a Best Drama nomination. The second season might not have been as good as the first, but that doesn't mean it wasn't brilliant anyway. Ah well, at least Matthew Fox didn't get nominated. But Michael Emerson was robbed, the writers should have put him in less episodes so he could have qualified as a guest actor like HIC. 'Cause Fenry is definitely my favorite S2 character. Well, except for Ana, but she's dead. Yes, against all probability, I actually like Ana Lucia. I know she's a sneering, bitchy, trigger-happy jerk of a character, but I like her anyway. I was so upset when she died, I named a new stuffed animal after her. I'll probably name things after Sawyer and Desmond too eventually. But not Sayid. That would be, like, sacreligious.
Oh, and please...review.
