Chapter 8

"How old are you?" Steven asked the next morning while he and Tony were sitting and watching some old TV show. It was only a little after 6am so Tony wasn't feeling very personable.

"Huh?" he questioned the other man. He almost wanted to say something about how you don't ask a lady her age. But thought wisely against it since he wasn't sure what the other man thought of his sexual preference….even though the statement would have been a joke anyway.

Steven repeated himself, "I asked how old you are?"

Figuring he should just answer the question Tony sighed, "I'm 46." He then thought he might as well ask the same question. "How hold are you?"

"27" Was Steven's reply. "People think I am older though."

Tony had to admit it but he too had thought the man had to at least be in his 30s some place. But he figured he most have had, had a rough life to be in this place at such a young age. That made him think of something. "Do you know how old Alex is?"

Steven nodded, "He just turned 18 a few weeks ago. He had been on the kid unit until he came here because he aged out or whatever.'

That made Tony sad, this was not a place for a kid that age…not that anybody here was really that scary…

The second he thought that something scary actually DID happen that had both Steven and Tony hopping off the couch.

Michael who was suffering from schizophrenia and early onset dementia came screaming bloody murder out of his bedroom, yelling something about aliens and Tony was sure he mentioned Jesus Christ in his rampage.

Nurses came running out of the office. Two went to help Michael while the other staff, who Tony didn't know, came over to where he and Steven were standing by the TV.

"Hey guys can you do us a huge favor and go hang out in your room for a good maybe ten minutes or so?" The very young female nurse asked of the patients.

Both Tony and Steven nodded their heads and went to their rooms.

Tony was thankful he had a deck of cards in his room so he played some solitaire. He did hear the screaming stop after about ten minutes but stayed in his room until somebody came and knocked on it. "Come in." he called.

The same young nurse was at the door with a smile. "Sorry I didn't come get you sooner, but I figured if you really wanted to come back out you would have when things sounded calm." She saw his card game and smiled more. "That's a good way to pass the time."

Tony smiled back, there was something about this nurse that he really liked. Actually maybe it was because she reminded him of what Kelly would look like if she was still alive. Of course he had never met Kelly but he had seen plenty of pictures. "What is your name?" he questioned curiously.

"I'm Tammy."

"Nice to meet you…I'm Tony." He replied.

They continued to exchange pleasantries until another nurse came up behind her and smiled. "Hey Tony the medication nurse has your first dose of Paxil ready for you."

Tony made a face, he hated the idea of taking a medication but he also REALLY wanted everything to get better so he could get out of here. "Okay." He said as he hopped off the bed and walked to the nurses' window. He quickly took the small pill and went back to the TV where now not only Steven sat but Jenny.

"Good morning Jenny." He said not even realizing how peppy he was since he had gone to his room.

Jenny smiled at Tony, "Good morning Tony, how are you?"

"I'm feeling pretty good actually." He said. "How are you?"

"Feeling pregnant." Jenny chuckled as she rubbed her obviously pregnant stomach. "But that is a good thing because that means he or she is doing well."

Tony nodded his understanding. "Well I've never been pregnant but I can get what you're saying."

Jenny laughed some more, "You're funny."

"And he likes being fucked." A voice form behind the couch said and everybody turned to see Holly standing there with a smile on her face.

"Holly!" Jenny exclaimed. "Don't be rude."

"I'm not trying to be rude I think it's hot."

"And I think it's not." Steven said making a point to playfully cover his ears.

Tony sighed he REALLY was beginning to not like Holly. "Holly please leave it alone."

Thankfully a nursing staff member came over to supervise the situation because more patients were waking up. Holly shut up real quick when she realized she was being watched.

Tony was a little weary when Michael came and sat down next to him. He had figured they sedated him and he wouldn't be joining the land of the living for a while. But obviously he was but seemed to be in a better space. Trying to be nice he gave him a good 'DiNozzo' smile. "Good morning Michael."

"You see it too." Michael said in response.

"What?"

"The blood, I heard you yesterday. You see it too."

Okay now Tony was freaked out. This whole place was full of lunatics. "Umm right." He responded and quickly got off the couch. Even though he was feeling hyper and DID want to watch TV he was feeling vulnerable in the main area. He went to his room and continued his card game.

Only five minutes later there was a knock on the door and Tony sighed. "Come in!" he called praying it was staff and not somebody like Holly.

Thankfully he was right and it was Tammy.

"I'm just checking on you. It seemed like something happened at the couch and you might be upset."

Tony sighed, "Not really just overwhelmed a bit." Which was true. "But there IS something that is bothering me a bit." He figured he would be honest.

Tammy walked into the room and pulled up a chair. "Shoot."

"Holly is really getting to me. She first was flirting with me but then I told her I was in a committed homosexual relationship. Then last night I accidently let it slip that I…" He paused to blush. "That I'm I guess you would say the 'bottom' in the relationship and so she keeps talking about it."

Tammy sighed, "That's Holly for you…but that doesn't mean it's okay. You are supposed to feel comfortable here not anxious or upset."

Tony nodded, "I understand we've all got our problems, but I need to work on my stuff not being sexually harassed. Also I don't know how everybody thinks of my sexual orientation and I don't want her just spewing out information and making other people uncomfortable around me."

"Understood." Tammy agreed. "I will have her therapist talk to her about it." That reminded her of something. "Speaking of which you had a meeting with Carla your therapist this morning after breakfast."

"Oh cool." Tony said thinking that was a good idea. If he was here he might as well play the whole game.

After breakfast Tony was called into Carla's office. She was a middle aged woman with prematurely graying hair. Tony figured she wasn't much older than he was but looked a older. "Good morning." He said to the woman.

Carla smiled and nodded towards the chair across from hers in the room. Like the psychiatrist office from the day before, this room was small but neatly decorated. All that was in the room was a small desk and two wing back chairs that sat across from each other. "Please take a seat."

Tony did what was asked and took a seat in the chair closest to the door. When he was seated Carla took the other seat and continued to smile at him. "Good morning Tony…how are you doing?"

"I'm okay," Tony said but didn't sound too sure of himself. "I'm having a bit of an issue with another patient." He admitted.

"Oh?"

Tony nodded, "Yes Holly has decided to focus her attention a lot on me over the last day and is asking inappropriate questions and saying equally inappropriate things."

Carla sighed as she wrote this down on a pad of paper she was holding. "I will talk with her, you should not feel uncomfortable because of her."

"Thank you" Tony said already feeling better about this experiences with Holly.

"Other than Holly's influence, how are you feeling on the unit this morning?" Carla questioned, crossing her legs and focusing her full attention on Tony, even though she was ready to write notes when she felt there were appropriate.

"So, So." Tony admitted. "I kept having nightmares last night and couldn't sleep. I almost came out of my room and watched TV at like 4am."

Carla nodded, "Well we normally don't allow patients to watch TV that early in the morning. We highly encourage maybe getting a snack or an 'as needed' medication to help you get back to sleep."

"Oh"

"It's just safer for the nurses who are on night shift to keep track of everybody if they are in their rooms." Carla explained the best she could. "But if something is REALLY bothering you don't feel like you can't come out and talk with somebody.

"Okay." Tony said. "My partner both in life and at work thinks I need to take a leave of absence from work. Do you think I should do this?"

Carla smiled a small smile, "Tony we just started talking, I need to know more of your situation before we start talking about after-care plans."

Tony sighed, "I figured that would be the case. I am just eager to get out of here, even though I have only been here a day and a half."

"Just give it some time and let the therapy groups stick in your mind. Also, we've got to get those medications working for you."

"True." Tony agreed with a nod. "I hope the anti-depressants work like the doctor thinks it will. I really don't want to be on something stronger."

This caught Carla's interest. "Do you have a reason for that?"

"I guess I just think of being on an anti-psychotic as something a really 'crazy' person is on. I don't like to think that I am a person in that category. I truly believe it's just an intense depression and soon all the psychosis will go away." Tony tried to explain his thoughts on the matter. "Does that make sense?"

Carla nodded, "There is stigma around mental illness and the medications taking for said illnesses, but Tony sometimes we have to buck up and let our pride slip a little."

"I know."

"How does your partner feel about you being in the hospital?"

Thinking of Gibbs caused Tony to smile a little. "He is very supportive…I couldn't do any of this without his support."

Carla smiled, "That is good, we all need support systems in our lives but especially when something isn't going exactly as planned."

Tony laughed out loud, "Oh believe me THIS was not in the plan what so ever."

"So your suicide attempt was not planned?"

"No" Tony stated. "It was rather impulsive."

"Do you often do things impulsively?"

Tony thought about that a second before shaking his head. "Not really. In my line of work you need to think things through before jumping the gun. Working for NCIS has definitely taught me to think before I act."

This time Carla wrote something down on her legal notepad. "What was happening a few nights ago when you overdosed on the cold medication?"

"I was seeing shit and I couldn't take it anymore. I went from taking a shower in blood red water to swallowing all the cold medicine in the cabinet." Tony tried to explain. "I just wanted it all to go away. I originally didn't plan on telling Gibbs want I did. I really wanted to die so I didn't have to bother anybody anymore and so my brain would finally stop showing me such disturbing images."

"You just said you wanted to stop bothering people. How do you feel like you're a bother?" Carla questioned.

Tony sighed, "I dunno"

Carla continued on this same train of thought, "Who do you feel you are bothering?"

Tony fidgeted in his seat, obviously Carla had hit something inside of Tony he didn't really want to talk about, but he did end up answering. "Everybody…especially Gibbs and my fellow NCIS agents. Have been so distracted with the weird images that I have put people in danger a few times. I mean it was nothing major and nobody got hurt, but we could have caught the suspect sooner or done things in a more planned out way if I hadn't been do distracted."

"So you feel like you cannot do your job the right way with your symptoms?"

Tony sighed once again, "Yeah."

"But yet you don't feel like you need a leave of absence from work."

This caught Tony off guard because it made him think, and right now thinking wasn't always that easy. "I know I cannot go back to work in the state I am now. But I hope once I leave the hospital in a week I can go back to work."

"What if myself and the doctor say you need more time away from your governmental duties to focus more on outpatient treatment?" Carla questioned. "I know we don't want to talk about after care at this point but in all honesty if it were me in your situation I would not want to go back to a job that provides such an intense service to the community after having such an equally intense shall we say break from reality."

"I'm not really thrilled with the wording 'break from reality'." Tony said speaking his mind. "I just see things a bit different than everybody else. Once that is gone I will be fine."

Carla sighed, "That is possible, but it is also possible that this could be something that stays with you for a while. It is not abnormal for a man in his middle 40's to start showing signs of a mental illness. Of course normally it's younger individuals but it is not abnormal for somebody your age."

Tony stood up, but didn't leave the room. Instead he started pacing a little. "I don't think I have a mental illness. I am just having difficulties right now due to stress. I mean I love my job but it is stressful. And I LOVE Gibbs but he can be a pain in the ass sometimes too. I think I just need to get these meds to kick in and I will be fine."

"Okay," Carla said not appearing to be worried that Tony was now pacing her office. She did of course document the change on her notepad. "So what do you want to get out of being here on the unit?"

"What do *I* want?"

Carla nodded, "Yes, what do YOU want."

"I guess medication and maybe groups to help me deal with the shit I see.

"Sounds reasonable." Carla smiled. "We have lots of groups that give different coping skills with hallucinations and just self-help. I think one of our favorite groups is art therapy. Do you like doing art?"

Tony laughed at this, "I don't mind doing it but I am terrible at it. Do they mind if I make stick figures?"

Carla chuckled, "Deb's groups are normally very open ended and you can do any type of art you like. She will normally give a prompt and you use what type of medium you want to use. Last time I stepped into one of her groups Jenny was making a colleague out of magazines that had to do with baby items.

"Interesting." Tony said as stopped pacing but was now standing next to the door. "Sorry to want to rush out of here but I need to use the bathroom and I actually do want to make it to the next group."

Carla looked at her watch and figured they had talked long enough. "Sure, Tony go ahead and use the bathroom and join the next group. We will talk more tomorrow."

Tony nodded and headed out the door. The main living area of the unit was quiet so Tony figured they were in one of the group rooms. Sure enough they were actually in the art room which Tony found rather interesting since he had just been talking about art therapy with Carla. He quietly knocked on the door and opened it when a young woman said 'come in'. He walked in and smiled his best 'DiNozzo' smile at the young, rather attractive woman. "Hi I'm Tony…I was talking with Carla, sorry I'm late."

"That's okay Tony…we just got started." The young woman stated. "My name is Penny and I believe you know everybody else in the room."

Tony looked around and realized he did know everybody but also noticed there was only two other people. Steven and Jenny. "I know them, but where is everybody else?"

"Some people are doing other groups off the unit. Once you have been here a while you can join other groups in other programs. For example Holly is working upstairs in the children's unit for half an hour, running a group for them." Penny stated.

Tony was about to say 'how can SHE get off the unit and do stuff with kids', but he didn't. Instead he found a spot at the long table and grabbed a piece of paper and a felt tip marker. "Okay what are we doing?"

Penny explained to Tony what they were working on and Tony was thankful it didn't seem too difficult. He was supposed to draw a picture of something that reminded him of his childhood. At first Tony was a bit weirded out about this topic since his childhood had been rather sucky, but he did his best and figured it would be therapeutic. So with that in mind he drew a picture of the dog he had from when he was five till he was ten and sent off to boarding school. The dog had been named Pudgy and was a rather chubby Beagle. He had loved that dog and until this day he still had no idea what happened to him. He liked to think his father had sent him to live with a friend but deep down doubted that was what happened.

"Cute dog," Jenny said glancing at Tony's paper as she walked by to get some more paints for her project.

Tony looked up and smiled "Thanks," he said before going back to his drawing of Pudgy.

When everybody was finished they all shared their projects. Tony didn't think his was very worthwhile but everybody all thought it was a great drawing of the little dog that Tony explained. It also made Tony think about calling his father later and finding out what REALLY happened to that dog. He was thankful that his father and he had begun a good relationship over the past year. Now that Anthony DiNozzo Sr. lived in the DC area it was easier for father and son to have a positive relationship.

"Woo Hoo…earth to Tony." Steven said waving his hand in front of Tony's face.

Tony quickly shook out of his thoughts and noticed what was going on. "Oh hey…sorry I was just thinking about how I need to call my Dad soon."

"Oh" Steven said making a face. "I haven't seen my Dad since I was five and I don't plan on having anything to do with him."

"That is how my relationship was with my Dad until about a year ago. Now we have a pretty good relationship." Tony replied as he walked out of the art room with Steven at his side. "Maybe you should try to contact him?"

Steven shook his head, "Nah…no point. I just think of my mom's brother as a father figure…it's how I turned out so great." He said with a playful smirk.

Tony rolled his eyes, "Well gunna go make that call…see you in a bit." He said going to the phone and dialing his dad's cell phone number.

"Hello?" Anthony Sr. answered after about five rings.

Tony couldn't help but smile a little when he heard his Dad's voice, knowing they would have what he hoped would be a positive conversation. "Hey Dad."

"Junior I was wondering what was going on. You didn't call last night like you always do." Anthony Sr. said with worry in his voice.

Tony sighed, he didn't know how to explain to his father that he was at the hospital on a psychiatric hold. BUT he knew his dad had the right to know what was going on so he went for it. "Sorry I didn't call Dad…it seems I've got myself in a bit of a mess."

This caught Sr. attention. "You aren't calling for bail money are you? Because if you are that is completely unlike you."

"What!" Tony exclaimed. "I'm not in jail I'm at the hospital actually."

Sr. went from confused to worried. "As a patient or visiting somebody? Did something happen to Gibbs?" At first Anthony Sr. did not like the fact that his son was gay and living with another man, but he soon came around and was happy for both Tony and Gibbs.

"A patient." Tony replied quickly because he still wasn't sure how to get his words across without making himself sound like a complete psychopath. After a few moments of silence he elaborated on his first few words. "I attempted suicide a few days ago….so I am taking a break from the real world to get my head screwed on correctly."

Sr. continued the silence and when he did reply he sounded hesitant as if walking on egg shells around Tony. "So you're saying you've got some weird psychological stuff going on in your head that you need to sort out before going back home and back to work?"

Tony was impressed by his father's reaction and smiled a little. "Exactly!"

"So do you like see giant rabbits and crap like that?" It wasn't that Sr. was trying to be rude he simply didn't know how to word what he really wanted to say.

Tony chuckled. "No, no large rabbits…or small rabbits for that matter" He paused to take a deep breath before he continued on to tell his father what he DID see and how it impacted his life.

By the end of the conversation Sr. told Tony he would come and visit the next day during afternoon visiting hours so he wouldn't mess up Tony's evening time with Gibbs.

After hanging up the phone a huge weight had been lifted off of Tony and he felt ready to face the rest of the day…whatever that would entail.

TO BE CONTINUED….