During the night I slept beside Angela and Monica. Monica was a very noisy sleeper but I didn't mind. It made me feel less alone. Angela was breathed very slowly and smoothly and hardly ever tossed and turned. I couldn't really fall asleep and everyone else was dead tired now. I tried to toss and turn and fall into a slumber but it wasn't coming.
Slowly I pulled myself away from all the arms and legs and only made a few girls stir and made my way outside. It was nippy and cold but it felt good. I stared up at the sky feeling like some stupid movie where the main character is depressed and sad and then her knight in shining armor comes and rescues her from her misery. I laughed in spite of myself. Who was my shining amour now? Edward or Jacob? Where did my heart belong? Edward left and here I was trying to repair the pieces with the help of Jacob. The Jacob who also abandoned me with harsh words that stung more then anything.
Edward…the ideal example of perfection. His eyes, his lips, his body. I could feel my body tense up with the hole beginning to tear. I hadn't let myself engage in such imaginations of the boy I knew I was still in love with. I hadn't thought about someone who had been the most important thing in my life for a while now. I decided that maybe thinking about it all would offer me closure.
I sat on the porch leaning against the house with my legs pulled up to keep me warm. I was still cold and didn't want to go back in and scare anyone so I crept up and made my way to the forest. The green haven that was most likely wet but I was sure I could find a small path of dry. I made my way in slowly trying to avoid stepping on stumps but of course a quarter way down the path I managed to stumble and trip over a log. I kept in a squeal as I tumbled into a pile of leaves and grass and twigs. I felt my knees and palms scrape as they protected my fall. I landed in a heap and then the tears came. My knees and palms stung but that wasn't what hurt. I knew what was hurting and I didn't care how corny it sounded because it was true. The thing that hurt most was my heart. I didn't feel human anymore; I didn't feel alive or happy. None of it made any sense, nothing. No one thought enough of me to stay in my life, I was just clinging on to Angela and even I knew she would soon fade away knowing there was nothing she could do. I was lost. I was lost in the darkness left alone to trip and fall and attempt to pick myself up again. First falling when Edward left, then falling again when Jacob became something I hate and now--, falling for both? I didn't think I could pick myself up again. My body was battered and beat and tired and wasn't able to make another comeback. It was broken. My heart was broken beyond repair and it hurt me to breathe without someone. I was so selfish and dependant on all those around me. You'd think after Edward I would learn not to take Jacob for granted but the minute he was out of my life again everything just came crashing back down. Edward was my love and still is and will always be. He's not coming back but I still lay awake sometimes hoping he'll come back to me. Hoping I'll see him and he'll pick me up and take me away from everything. Just the way he held me, so delicately so I wouldn't break would solve everything. Just to feel the way his eyes burn into me would make everything go away. Just to hold his hand would make me the happiest girl in the world. But I'd never do that again. I would never feel his touch or smell him because he was gone. He took all the memories and soon his face would fade and take away the last piece of my humanity with it.
Jacob's face flashed into my mind and the tears started all over again. Loud sobs that I prayed no one could hear. Jacob, the one who'd come to my rescue only to put me into worse shape then before. I was being stupid and blind. Why is it that every night he came to my house hoping that night would be different, hoping that he could talk to me and explain I simply said no. I simply shooed away the one good thing I still had in my life? He wasn't going to hang on forever and soon it would become the greatest mistake of my life. A simple word yes was all he needed. It was all I needed too. He wasn't Edward but maybe in time the void would be filled—almost. I could be happy with Jake, I knew I could. He was healthy for me, he was kind and loving and it was then that I realized he was in trouble. Jacob loved me not only as a sister but as more. I knew that. I knew that he would never treat me this way or say the things he said if he didn't have to. I remembered Sam Uley and all of the huge men who told me I was welcome. Something was wrong. I recalled the warmth from Jake's hand and the tears, now silent, began again. They were quiet but there were so many. They weren't going to stop. I wondered if it was possible for someone to run out of tears. Could I possibly cry every night and then cry now?
Jacob and Edward's faces were etched into my mind and I knew I could never forget them. They were too beautiful. I was holding my sides so tight knowing if I left go I would crumble and become the forest floor. I heard a twig snap and I stopped crying momentarily. I gazed around, my view blurry from the tears. I rubbed my eyes and could feel how swollen they were. I stood up still holding my sides and made my way back to the house. I stumbled on my way back but I didn't fall. I quickly brushed the twigs and leaves from my body and tried to stop crying. It was too hard so I sat out on the porch and let the cold air whip my face in hope that my tears would dry.
It was getting lighter in the sky and I was shocked that it had become so early, I stood up and walked back into the house quietly. I tip toed to the bathroom and peered at my reflection. The night had started off happy and cheery and turned out to be a mess. These girls as kind and welcoming as they were could never fill me. They could never replace what Jake and Edward left behind. It would never happen.
My reflection was scary. My brown eyes were glazed and swollen. They were red and sad and still looked wet as if new tears were on their way. My skin was ghostly and had goose bumps from the cold. My cute outfit didn't look cute anymore, it looked fake. This wasn't me. I didn't do this. I hung out in car shops with Jake or in meadows with Edward. I felt the most at home in the arms of someone who loved me. I couldn't depend on conversation and laughing because half the time it was phony. A few tears slid down my face and I didn't bother brushing them away. I stepped up the stairs and almost screamed when I turned the corner. Angela's arms were open and she pulled me in for a hug. The tears were still quiet but my body shook. For an instant I felt comfortable, for an instant I felt at home.
But only for an instant.
(reviews are appreciated!! Hope you enjoyed this! It was a bit of a weak chapter but there are some key parts in here that you'll soon discover!)
