Hi! So this is the first of the joint chapters we wrote. To put it simply, me and Jon had an open Google document and wrote the whole conversation part, back and forth, in character. Then, it being a Darren POV, he filled in the rest of the chapter around it.
Enjoy!
PART EIGHT
Tuesday 15th May
Darren
"Dazza, stick another one in there would you mate?"
"Yeah in a minute, I'm just changing this till roll."
"Well whenever it's convenient for you."
"There's no need to get sarky with me, I said I'd be with you in a minute didn't I?"
"Well today would be nice."
"Alright, alright, keep your y-fronts on!" Leo Valentine, a total pain in the arse but the source of half our takings.
Today has just been one thing after another, and after my nightmare of a morning I've since spent the last four hours running around like a blue arsed fly. Craig hasn't come down to help, surprise surprise. I did go up and see what the hell he was playing at a couple of hours back, but he was in the same position as I'd left him, only this time he was fast on. I seriously had to restrain myself from throwing a pint of ice cold water over him again, that'd teach him I'd thought to myself. Luckily for him the sound of Leo shouting for a re-fill saved his arse from getting a soaking, so I left him to sleep it off.
Don't even get me started on the rest of my ever loyal workforce. I finally managed to get hold of Freda, reckons she's done her back in following an unfortunate accident with a bog brush. She weren't best pleased when I informed her that her services were no longer required. What can I say? It's just business. And then there's Spike, who has yet to put in an appearance. Ok so maybe he is only a couple of minutes late, but with the mood I've been in today he may as well roll in after closing time.
He finally saunters in just as I'm handing Leo his seventh of the afternoon, walking up to the bar with his records bag slung across his shoulder.
"About time too! See that clock up there? For some strange reason it's saying you should have been here five minutes ago!"
"Yeah, sorry 'bout that. The bus was a bit late and then…"
"Woah, I don't need your life story. I've been slaving away on my own here since Kris buggered off on his fancy date. I've got Freda phoning in sick, one of the beer pulls is on the blink and now to top it all off, my DJ swans in late harping on about frigging bus times!"
"Like I said, sorry but it's hardly my fault if…"
"I mean have I got MUG tattooed on this forehead today or what? I'm trying to run a business here, not a drop in centre for the bloody needy. Maybe I should just give up now, seeing as I'm the only one who actually does anything around here." And before you say anything, I know I'm acting like a prick right now, Spike's probably the fifth person today to be on the receiving end of one of these rants. But a guy's gotta let off steam, and it's his own fault anyway for rocking up late.
"Uh, okay." Great, and now he thinks I'm totally barmy... although if I'm honest I'm starting to wonder myself. "In that case I'll just get out of your way then, shall I?" He turns towards the decks ready to set up for later… and I might have let him get on with it if it weren't for the 'Jeez, talk about stress head' comment that he's just muttered.
"Did you just… stress head? Stress head? I am NOT stressed. I'm not! I'm calm, as calm as can be in fact. I'm practically unconscious for God's sake!" Ok Darren, calm your breathing down son, concentrate on that inner voice… no not that one, the South African one… theeeere we go, listen to Mamello, thaaaat's it. Now open your eyes and all shall be fine and dandy once more, Mamello promises you. "Right, now where were we?"
Why is he looking at me gone out? Is there something on my face? "Darren mate, you went ultra-sonic there for a sec, you sure you're not stressed? Maybe just a little bit?" He's taking the piss outta me, the twat is actually laughing at me… until I throw him the glare of death that is, the glare that says 'shut your noise or I'll sack your arse'. That showed him I think to myself. "Hang on, I uh… I thought Craig was working this afternoon? I could've sworn Kris mentioned it last night."
"Don't even get me started on Craig, he's about as reliable as a one-legged man in an arse kicking contest. I'd ask him to come down if I thought it'd get me anywhere, but he'll either be asleep still or it'll be all 'Urghh, leave me alone Darren, my head hurts Darren, I think I'm coming down with something Darren'. Honestly, he's a liability that one, he'd do more damage than good if he came down."
"Not much use then?" You said it pal. "In that case I'll give you a hand, yeah? Can't have you getting all hot and bothered this early in the day can we?" Ok, now what does he mean by that? And who the hell invited him behind my bar? Then again, I can't complain if he's gonna put me some glasses back on the shelves, right? "What's up with him then? He seemed alright last night… well, aside from looking at me like he wanted to stick pins in my head, that is."
"Your guess is as good as mine mate." Picking up a clean bar towel, I make a start on drying the fresh glasses that have just come out of the washer, passing them along to Spike as I go. "He was fine until he had that fallin' out with lover boy, now he's only happy when he's pissed out of his mind. Getting anything out of that one is like trying to draw blood from a stone."
"Lover boy? You mean John Paul, right?" he sniggers. Well who else would I be talking about? Neville? I think not. "What makes you think he has anything to do with it? He could just be stressing about his exams, I know John Paul is."
"But what else could it be? It's not his exams that's for sure, he doesn't seem to give a stuff about them anymore. I mean can you imagine that - Frankie's face when she realises Golden Wonder has failed his exams again?" I can see it now, she'll do the whole beetroot thing that she does so well, her face ballooning up as she shakes with temper - a bit like a purple vibrator. "Nah mate, gotta be John Paul."
"You think it's the falling out that has him behaving like this then? Not the other stuff?"
"Well look at it this way. Craig finds himself a mate, Craig spends all his time with said mate and everything is hunky dory in the land of Craig. Then Craig has a tiff with said mate, Craig and said mate stop talking and all of a sudden the hunky dory land of Craig has turned into a safe haven for the drunk and disorderly!" Aaaand breathe. "Now d'ya see what I... wait, what other stuff?"
"You know, the whole drama over the kiss and everything. From what I've heard that freaked him out pretty bad, that's why he was such a tosser and punched John Paul in the first place." Err, who the hell gave him the right to talk about Craig like that? I'm the one that calls him the tosser, not Spike - and why oh why is he looking me up and down like that? "Not that I uh, condone that kind of behaviour. I'd at least ask first."
"Riiiight." Well that was weird, was he just flir… no, no he couldn't have been. "But hold on a minute, it was John Paul who kissed Craig, not the other way around. You can't exactly blame the guy for decking him can you? I mean what did John Paul think would happen, eh? Maybe it was a bit of an over-reaction an'all that but to be honest I'd probably do the same if some guy came on to me."
"Darren, you probably wouldn't realise a bloke was coming on to you if he bent you over and bit you on the backside." What's that supposed to mean now? I swear someone's slipped some loopy juice in his tea this morning. "What are you saying then? John Paul deserved to be queer bashed by his best friend? Is that it? Cos if you are then I'm disappointed mate."
"Wha… I didn't say…"
"So just...let me get this straight. John Paul gets his lights punched out by the person he trusted the most, and you say it might have been an 'over-reaction'? Whatever man. Even so, he was his best mate, Craig's bound to feel some guilt at hurting him, surely?"
"Well actually…"
"Besides…" For fucks sake! Can I not get a word in edge-ways here? "…the kiss can't have been that much of a shocker, it's not like he didn't know John Paul was in love with him."
"What? Well that can't be right, who said anything about love? Craig would've said something to us after a bombshell like that, surely? I mean I know he's been all cagey and everything recently, but it's not everyday you hear something like that, is it? And anyway, he's your boyfriend. I'm not sure I'd be too happy if I knew my bird was hung up over someone else!" That told him.
"Wait, you actually believe Craig would've told you that John Paul said he loved him?" Err, maybe. And how is that funny? "No way! I might not know Craig all that well but I'm pretty sure that's the kind of thing you'd keep to yourself. Besides, John Paul wasn't even out then."
Wait a minute, does that mean… "Well it's no bloody wonder Craig's head is fried if all this has been going on as well! That's just his luck that, innit? He finally finds himself a friend after years of being Billy-no-mates, then just when he thinks he's got it made it all goes tits up for him!" Why did I not work this out sooner? Poor sod, you've gotta feel for the kid. "So does John Paul still love him then? Is that why they ain't talking still? Cos I'm telling you now, there is no way Craig would park his bike around the back, best mate or no best mate."
"You're sure about that are you?" Eh? Of course I'm bloody sure. Is he trying to say that Craig's a backdoor burglar? What planet is he on? "Whatever Darren. Listen, I've no idea why they aren't still talking. If you ask me, they should be - and I think if it was up to John Paul, they would be. Look, it's not my place to break confidences believe it or not, so what John Paul does or doesn't feel for Craig now is between them. I messed up before, I admit that. I just assumed you knew that John Paul had told Craig he loved him. After Hannah's little revelation to me…" Oooh, do I detect a bit of distaste there? "…I jumped to the conclusion that it was common knowledge. But as it's not, I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention it to anyone else."
Pfft, like he needs to ask, this is me we're talking about, the King of Discretion.
"It's not like you can blame John Paul for his feelings anyway. He didn't ask to fall for his best mate, did he?"
"Well I'm hardly saying that, am I?"
"That's what it sounds like your saying."
"Well… what did he think was gonna happen when he told him, eh? Craig's the straightest straight bloke I know... apart from me, obviously." With that, I head to the other side of the bar to serve some waiting punters.
"I'll have a bag of soft as well please Darren."
"What?" Bloody Leo again, he's always the same at this point in the afternoon. I swear he asked me for a quick kiss the other week, although he says it was a whiskey chaser that he'd wanted.
"A bag of soft. You know, scratchimicallits?"
"You mean scratchings?"
"Yeah, them's the one's." Strewth!
The bar soon quietens down again - although how long for remains to be seen - so I head back over to Spike. "How long has this been going on for anyway? Cos it might explain why Craig hasn't cracked a smile in months."
"Well…"
"And why are you so calm about all this anyway? Do you even care that your bloke's had his eyes on someone else for God know's how long?"
"You don't get to choose who you fall in love with, do you? Gay, straight, bi... Mongoose!" Ok, so I may be in a rotten mood today, but even I can can't keep the smile off my face after that one. I mean, it's a mongoose, HA! Too funny. "Craig might be straight, emphasis on the might there mate because only he knows that. In answer to your other questions: Point one, I don't think John Paul thought anything was going to happen, he probably just couldn't keep it to himself any longer. What can I say? Unrequited love is a bitch and believe it or not, he's not a complete arse. Point two…" Does he realise he's ticking these off with his fingers? What does he think he looks like? "…seeing as I've already fucked up and told you about it, John Paul told Craig he loved him at Hannah's party, whenever the hell that was. He said something about all hell breaking loose and Craig following him outside. Honestly though, I wasn't paying that much attention." Err, why the hell not? Jeez, some help he's turning out to be! "Which brings us on to point three I guess... we broke up, so I was a little bit distracted."
Woah, hold on a minute. "You broke up? When? I thought you two were going well... not that I'd know. I mean I didn't... I wasn't watching you, you know, I just... well, you were only in here last night weren't you?" Balls, I hope he don't think I was spying on them, the last thing I need is for him to get the wrong impression now. "Hold on, did you break up because of Craig? Is that why you've come here with your twenty questions at the ready?"
"Oh that's right, I forgot everything revolves around Craig." Sarcasm, the lowest form of wit. Nobody does it better than I do, he might as well give it up now. "Hmm yeah, the bus purposely got re routed, Kris left on his little jaunt and Craig got pissed or whatever the fuck he did - leaving you in the shit I might add - just so I can ask you questions about your stupid step brother and get shouted at. Yeah, that sounds like a plan to me." Who's rattled his handbag now? "Oh and don't worry Darren, no need to say thanks for the help mate!"
"Alright mate, chill out. Hit a raw nerve have I? And as nice as it is to see all that training at the Academy of 'How To Skirt Around The Issue" being put to good use, you still didn't answer my question. Did you, or did you not, split up with John Paul because of how he feels about our Craig?"
"Look, why me and John Paul split up isn't the question here is it?" WTF? Of course it bloody is! "I thought you were worried about Craig?"
"I amworried about him, I was only asking!" Honestly, some people. "So let me get this straight. We've got Craig feeling sorry for himself cos his best mate told him he loved him, who he then beat up and no longer speaks to, meaning he's spent the last few months cooped up in his room acting like a depressed puppy. And then we've got John Paul, who's probably feeling just as sorry for himself now that he's finished with his fella, and all because he's been too busy lusting after his straight ex-best mate this whole damn time who he is, in fact, head over heels in love with! Gah! It's times like this when a barman wishes he had Jeremy Kyle sat on the end of his bar!" And now he's looking at me gone out again… ahh well. "You know what that tells us don't you?"
"Not to get involved? Oh and by the way, I never said that about John Paul."
"No but it's what you meant. Anyway, what it tells us Spikey-Boy, is that those two are a pair of bleeding idiots! Any fool can see that they're missing each other, and if I have to put up with Craig's ugly mug dragging across the floor for much longer then I'm likely to explode! So, if they're not gonna sort it for themselves, then we're gonna have to do it for them aren't we? Eh?" I've got myself grinning like a loon now, but who the hell gives a fuck? I'm a total genius. Then again… "It'd help if we had a clue what's going on inside their heads for a start though, seriously my brain is doing a somersault just thinking about it."
"When you say... explode… care to elaborate? Cos that might be something I wouldn't mind sticking around and seeing."
"I'm sorry what?" What in God's holy potato does he mean by that? "Wait, I... did you just... I mean... err, what?" That's it Darren, laugh it off, he'll soon join in. "I mean you're just kidding right? Haha, I get it now, nice one haha, yeah... funny... it's... it's..." Why isn't he joining in? I mean he was joking right? Laugh for fucks sake, laugh! Ok, so he's not joking then if those lustful stares are anything to go by… or at least that's what I think they are. Damn, I'll have to try and steer the conversation away from it myself then. "Err, so anyway as I was saying…"
"So cute." You fucking what? "You're cute...when you get flustered, you get this funny little tick in your temple, right...here" Woah! You keep your hands to yourself Graham Norton. "Sorry Boss, what were you saying?...Oh yeah, getting in his head. Well you could always read his diary, assuming he actually writes in it like John Paul does."
"Diary? What diary?" Now this is more like it.
"Oh, you mean you didn't know? Figured you would seeing as you think Craig tells you everything." Now there's no need for that, surely? I'm hurt. "Sorry. No John Paul has this red book he writes in sometimes, said he'd been given it by his English teacher, so I thought they'd all have one."
"Wait a minute, a red book?" Could it be? No it couldn't… or could it? "Craig had a red book on him earlier, or at least I think it was red. I didn't really get much of a look in to be honest, he was too busy shovin' it in under his pillow so I just presumed it was one of his porno mags." No but that can't be right, I know where he keeps his porn and it definitely ain't under his pillow. "And writing a diary, I mean it's a bit... gay, ain't it? Err, no offence like, you know."
"None taken, thankfully other people's narrow-mindedness and stereotyping doesn't bother me but once again, you're just showing me exactly why it is that Craig hasn't confided in you and probably iswriting in his big gay diary as we speak." Alright, I said no offence didn't I? Bloody hell. "Nice one mate, you're just the sort of role model he'd turn to."
"What's that supposed to mean?" 'He's right though, isn't he?' I hear Mamello say, urging me to relent. "Ok, fair point I suppose." Sod you Mamello, ain't you got other stuff to be getting on with? Leave me alone. "So do you really think it's worth having a look at this diary then or what? But I am tellin' ya now, there is no way I'm gonna be able to get into Craig's room without him knowing, he's never out of the bloody thing. Honestly, the smells that are coming from inside there are ungodly!"
"You know what? Maybe it'd be best if you didn't go looking into his stuff. The last thing he needs is you taking the piss" Oh per-lease, as if I would? Talk of the devil, Craig chooses that precise moment to come barging through the pub, not once looking up as he heads for the front exit.
"Craig, where are you going now?"
No answer, shock flaming horror! "Craig!" He glances up just as he reaches the door, but only to throw the pair of us a look that could kill a man in a second. Honestly, I've seen Craig throw some looks over the last few months, but that one even had meletting out a bit of wee.
"Then again…" Oh here we go, he's soon changed his tune. "…if you think you could actually help him in some way, this'd be the perfect opportunity for it." Oh I dunno, should I? He'd murder me if he found out, and I'm sure I speak for all of us when I say what an absolute tragedy that would be for this community. But then on the other hand, this is Craig's diary we're talking about, a diary! It'll have all the answers to my questions right there in it's very pages. Decisions, decisions! "If you think you can." Shit, the twat's goading me now, fuck. Err… errm…
"Oh sod it, I'm going for it!" 'It's now or bloody never' I think to myself as I head for the stairs to the flat. "But wait, what if he comes back and catches me?" Bugger, we've not thought this through very well. "Right, you're gonna have to keep a look out. If you see him, shout me!" That'll sort it. I've just reached the door to upstairs when another thought occurs to me… "No, no wait! If you shout me then he'll hear you! Oh Christ... err, right well you'll have to text me then if he comes back. But make it snappy if he does, yeah? Cos he is looking for any excuse he can find to murder someone at the minute, and there ain't no way it's gonna be me, right?"
"Just go, Darren… now!"
"Right, yeah you're right." Here I go then, come on! You can do this.
"Darren!" Oh for fu… does he not realise I'm on a frigging time limit here? I glance back quickly to see what the hell he wants now… "Nice arse!"
Oh dear God.
Thank you for reading x
