Appalling Answers
The scent of incense and stale bread wafted through the throne room as what could best be described as a muscular male stripper in a leather bondage outfit stood next to some sort of power armored teddy bear with short grey hair. Both of these men stood before the beautiful golden throne of the corpse emperor as lofty angelic music played in the background.
"OK LOLOLOLOL WHAT IS THE NEXT LETTER?" spoke an imbedded vox ponder from the golden thrones base upon the conclusion of some sort of unknown joke.
"Right the next letter," spoke the male stripper provocatively as he went through a stack of envelops until at last coming upon something rather strange. It was a note with a red wax seal that he had never seen before, "Now that's weird, where did this one come from?"
"WHAT IS IT?" spoke the emperors throne, "DID SOMEONE POUND YOU IN THE POOP TRAP WHILE YOU WEREN'T LOOKING?"
"No my lord Emperor, though that does sounds delightful, I just found a note we didn't sift through. I wonder where it came from?" retorted the male stripper.
"WELL OPEN IT. IT SERIOUSLLY CAN'T BE AS BAD AS THE LAST ONE."
"That is highly unlikely," droned the male teddy bear.
"FOR FUCKS SAKE ROGAL!" begged his skeletal lord and grace, as the male stripper opened the letter and read its contents aloud.
"Dear old friend… I just woke up after a very long-ass nap and wanted to write to you and ask… what exactly fucking happened? How did you, of all people, drop the fucking ball so badly? When I went to bed the universe was all nice and sparkly with hologram hookers and flapjacks and now it's all grim-dark with space elves and Loli Inquisitors? PS: Did you hear about Half Life 3? Sincerely… Alucard."
"Whose Alucard?" instantly interrupted the male stripper. The golden throne sat without comment in eerie silence for a few brief seconds as this latest annoyance ebbed at his lordships sanity.
"GOD DAMN IT TEAM FOUR STAR LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE," finally replied the Emperor, "ALSO WHAT IS THIS ABOUT HALF LIFE 3. DON'T TELL ME THAT IT'S FINALLY BEEN RELEASED BECAUSE I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR A LONG ASS TIME TO PLAY VALVE'S LONG AWAITED MASTERPIECE."
"My lord," spoke Rogal Dorn, "What is Half Life 3?"
The emperor sat once more in long and heavily exaggerated silence before responding in depression, "JUST WHEN I THOUGHT WE'VE HIT ROCK BOTTOM YOU ASK ME THAT CONTRIVED AND INFURIATING QUESTION. DAMN IT ROGAL. IT'S A GAME. WITH A LONG ANTICIPATED SEQUEL. IS IT RELEASED IT?"
"My lord…" spoke the male stripper nervously, "There is no Half Life 3 game whatever it might be…"
"WELL…. GOD DAMN IT GAB NEWELL YOU HAD ONE JOB! ONE JOB! THOUGH TRUTH BE TOLD I'M NOT VERY SURPRISED, BUT AT THIS RATE VALVE BETTER MAKE IT GOD DAMN PERFECT! ALSO… TELL POPE-HAT THAT HE CAN EXPECT LOTS OF FUTURE DEATH THREATS SINCE… WELL… TEAM FOUR STAR INVENTED THAT WHOLE FEAR TURKEY THING."
"My lord…" spoke Rogal Dorn, "You didn't fully answer this person's question."
"THAT IS BECAUSE HE IS TROLLING ME. THIS IS WHAT TFS ALUCARD DOES. MY ONLY CONSOLATION IS THAT OUR UNIVERSE DOESN'T HAVE A TFS GOKU BECAUSE THE RESULTING BLACK HOLE OF STUPID WOULD SURELY KILL US ALL."
"As you command my lord," spoke the male stripper enthusiastically before continuing to sift through even more letters.
