Chapter Eight: Tale Eight
AN: Dialogue heavy chapter. Readers must be attentive.
Diary dearest... Or is it "Dearest diary"? Whichever is good.
I'm back from another trip, even though I never left the area. I say it is a trip because I think I might be hallucinating all these events that happened recently to ruin my already messed up life.
It's been, what, forty (fifty?) years since I last put in an entry and I'm back again so soon. Since the last one, I thought I could lounge about the area for a couple of decades before I embarked on another journey but that never happened.
My sad story begins...
One faithful day, I'm busy sorting out my thoughts on which side of the river would be most appropriate for skinny-dipping when some guy just yelled out my name from somewhere behind me. Cliche?
Not really.
"You are Awesome Kyuubi, right? The one who carved "The End", right?"
"That's me. Now, how did you know that?"
"My grandfather, Uchiha Madara, told me stories about you."
I won't admit to puffing my chest out slightly!
"Go on."
"And he told me about how you helped him."
"Yes...?"
"I also need your help!"
"Stop right there!"
Seriously, do I look like a clown to these Uchiha pricks?!
"I'm not doing it! Now leave me, I'm thinking about the fate of my nudist virginity."
With that, I turned back to my thoughts.
'So if I jump at the northern end, the pointy rocks below will likely chop of my ..."
"WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU STUPID MORTALS! IS 'MR. CHAPLIN Jnr' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?!"
I just had to let that out. The Uchiha was just staring at me with red eyes that could read my mind, I just had to.
"I'm sorry, Kyuubi-san. But I came strictly for business not goofy nonsense."
"..."
"I need your help to level Konohagakure."
"..."
"Particularly I need your help to kill a certain Hokage."
Now that's what I call business!
"Continue."
"I don't want to discuss the details of my decision. Mada-jiji told me you loved destruction, so I offer you a place begging for some demolition. You just have to wreck total havoc, then weaken the Kage, slightly, before I claim his head."
"Who's the Kage now? Don't tell me it's Hashi-kun's little brother."
"It isn't him. He died in his fifth year of service. The Kage who has wronged me is the Yondaime, Namikaze Minato."
"What's your name, kid?"
"Uchiha... Obito."
"Let's be on our way then, we could talk about your plan of mass -yet specific- destruction."
"... And it's Awesome Q, not Awesome Kyuubi. You make that error again, I separate your head and neck from the rest of your body. Get it?"
"Got it."
Eleven days later, we're knocking on the front doors of Konoha and all the shinobi are like; 'Don't let The Kyuubi in!'
Decimating humans like nobody's business! I'm high!
Then out of nowhere, there's a yellow flash. There's one man standing where I saw the flash. The Yondaime Hokage, the one they say is greater than all modern-day shinobi, even the Shodai, is standing before me.
Obito wanted him dead. So, I attacked first. He disappears and appears behind me holding a bastardised bijuu bomb.
Now, I'm angry. You don't imitate Awesome Q and mock him at the same time.
I swipe my tail at supersonic speed and slap that flesh bag into the forest through the side of a tower.
Where's Obito?
Obito's waiting for the soon-to-be-dead man on the other side of the clearing. I need a better view, so I join them.
Obito is flexing some serious muscle, fading in and out of the Yondaime's attacks and landing super combos.
The Yondaime is down and Obito steps lightly towards the living dead. He removes his mask and then tells the Yondaime to look up at him.
"Obito? Is that you?"
"Yes Sensei. I'm back from the dead."
"So... you faked it... Who would have thought my action had affected you to that point."
"It did, Sensei, and you have no idea how much!"
I'm standing in the back wishing for popcorn.
"Sensei, what you did hurt me DEEPLY! BOTH PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY! I COULDN'T STAND IT!"
Obito shouting and sobbing at the same time isn't a pretty sight to behold.
"Really? Obito, really? I thought it was something we all could laugh about, including you. But..."
He never finished that sentence.
"YOU CREATED A NEW JUTSU SO PEOPLE COULD JUST LAUGH AT ME. WEARING GOGGLES WASN'T ENOUGH HUH?! SENSEI, I TRUSTED YOU, I LOVED YOU! YET YOU DID THAT TO ME!
YOU CREATED THE THOUSAND YEARS OF PAIN JUTSU TO TAKE AWAY MY ANAL VIRGINITY IN FRONT OF RIN AND THE ENTIRE CLASS! YOU SCARRED ME FOR LIFE, YOU TRAITOR!
KYUUBI, HANDLE THE REST! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"
That's my cue! I go in blazing hot ready to catapult the pedo into my mouth.
Right before I'm about to munch, chakra chains wrap around me. I try moving again, they don't budge. Then I realise, they are just like Rikudou-jiji's. I'm not going anywhere.
A few moments later, my dinner starts talking to space.
"Kushina! What are you doing here?!"
"Minato-honey, the baby came!"
"I know that already! Why are you here?!"
"It's a boy!"
"WOMAN! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HEAR!"
"Sorry honey. I came here because I think I found a way to solve our problems."
"You did?"
"Yes honey. It's a kill-two-birds-with-one-stone type of solution. It's a risky one too."
"Tell me."
"It's a seal. It will summon the lazy Shinigami protector of my family. He will take away the kyuubi and in return will ask for you to give him any payment. From there, you know what to do, right?"
Hello, Awesome Q here!
"Honey, you're a genius! I don't know why my dad doesn't want me to make you my bride. I'm Hokage, yet I can't even choose my own wife!"
I'm fed up! Time to butt in!
"Mortals, do you not fear for your lives!"
Their response...
"Oh, shut up!"
"..."
"Okay Kushi-chan, let's do it!"
"Wait! What are you humans going to do to me?"
The red-haired Kushina comes up to me...
"Look, me and Minato have been in a secret affair because our families hate each other and don't want the both of us to be happy together. Nine months ago, I got pregnant. I had to hide. And since Minato was Hokage, he could fake mission assignments. You get the drift? I went into labour two hours before you arrived here. And by some divine intervention, I'm sure of, I found the solution. I call my family's Shinigami, he saves Konoha by absorbing you and we sacrifice our baby for the greater good. No one get's hurt and the baby will probably be the next family Shinigami."
I turn to the Hokage, tears nearly forming.
"Why the hell do you want to marry this woman? She's crazy! Why don't you want to listen to your father? She's a nutcase!"
"... Kushi-chan, proceed with the jutsu before Sarutobi gets here."
Thirty seconds later, she was done and the Shinigami was in sight.
"Uzumaki Kushina, why have you summoned me?"
"I need your assistance in destroying The Kyuubi."
"Your request will be done."
The Shinigami reaches towards me as my life begins flashing before my eyes. I've never felt so scared to death, literally.
He pulls my soul out of my body into his. Now inside his belly, I can feel the environment but I can't interact with it except through my new vessel, the Shinigami. I'm done for. Four thousand years gone to waste.
"Uzumaki Kushina it's time to pay your debt."
"I offer this new-born baby."
"WHAT!?"
Don't be surprised, even Shinigami can scream. Yes.
"Is there a problem, Shinigami-san?"
I'm inside the Shinigami and I can view his thoughts. He's thinking about all the ugly things babies do. Eat, poop, cry, poop, eat, poop, the endless cycle.
I also hate kids, but who am I not to take advantage of this!
'And they drool and fart a lot. Did I mention they poop twenty-four-seven?' I say into his mind.
"Oh Kami!", the Shinigami let out. "I'm too old for this shit! Kushina! I'm retiring from Shinigami duty for eternity! I don't care about how you'll find a new guy to fill the role, I'm done! Here's your Kyuubi!"
Then he transferred my soul back.
"But before I leave, Kyuubi, I've got something for you." He continued.
The Shinigami did his hocus-pocus and before I could say "Gai", there was a seal on my belly.
"What have you done, to me Shinigami?!"
"I just gave you a baby."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
And that concludes my story.
You hear that? There's a baby sealed in me who keeps putting radioactive poop in my chakra system.
For once, I think I'd be happier dead than alive.
- Big Daddy Kyu...
I'm so pathetic, aren't I?
