99 Nuggets and Not A Man In Sight

Alice: Hey, hey, hey

Bella: What?

A: Rude. What are you wearing?

B: You're engaged. To my brother. Stop sexting me.

A: Hilarious. Seriously.

B: I'm in my hamster onesie. The one with the tail and the ears? The orange one, not the brown one.

A: I'm ignoring that. Are you getting ready?

B: For what? It's Sunday afternoon I'm eating my weight in chicken nuggets and wondering whether my crush on Jack Black is real.

A: What?

B: Like is it really him? Or is it because I think we look at food the same way? I mean, he's really funny, but I'm not sure.

A: You need help.

B: I know. Everything frickin' hurts!

A: Why?

B: I was exercising and the out of character movement confused my body.

A: You were running in your hamster onesie? Did you have a wheel? XD

B: Okay, maybe I lied. I wasn't exercising. I was laying down, and when I reached across for my bag of pretzels, I pulled something.

A: -_- Have you forgotten that you have a date tonight?

B: Yeah, I have three episodes of Gilmore Girls left until I need to leave the couch and shower.

A: Did you seriously just use Gilmore Girls episodes as a unit of measuring time?

B: Yes.

A: Wowza. Anyway back to my question. What are you wearing?

B: I know what I'm not wearing. And that's Spanx. It itches like a mofo and doesn't fit into my need for buffets lifestyle. And I've decided it gives the wrong impression.

A: Impression of what?

B: That I care. I mean, I draw myself cheek bones and have the equivalent of a double cheeseburger stuffed in my bra for that extra ommf, and for what? It's all lies. LIIIIESS, I TELL YOU. LIEEEES, ALICE!

A: You need Jesus.

B: I have Jared Leto.

A: What even?

B: Take away my fake cheeks and jaw line, and I'm naked and he's all, you were mangoes before and now it's just two grapes.

A: Bella!

B: And it's all a lie. I don't want to tell him that I like going for long walks and dressing up and going out. I need someone who'll call me Khaleesi and make me see the sun and stars even though popcorn falls out when he unhooks my bra. I need someone who thinks Netflix is the eighth wonder of the world and wears pajamas for fancy date nights.

A: You're crazy. And do I even want to know how the hell you do fancy in pajamas?

B: You serve take out on a plate and eat at the table, instead of out of a box on the couch. Or in the elevator because you jumped the delivery guy on the street.

A: You NEED to get out more.

B: No I don't. My date bailed on me, so I'm going to have a nap and search for some Outlander side peen. Tell my brother I said hi.


Written by: Fiyaaa (Secretkeeper)

Prompts: (323): Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets

(801): If I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not being myself

(503): My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it

A/N: This started as a flash, then morphed into my semi biography. I also wrote this at 1am after eating half a cheesecake and an apple to then balance my food karma.