Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight…
A/N:… so…. this was one of the first chapters I wrote, which is weird because usually I just write as I go… (And yes I was originally planning on adding this bit in later, but I figured I might as well now…) and seriously for the beginning listen to the song!!! (Katy Perry's thinking of you)… and then (I feel bad – Rascal Flats) but you'll know where that one goes… Read. Enjoy. Review…
Love Never Fades
Chapter Eight – Love Never Fades
Forks, Washington Present Day
I drove home from the hospital late that evening, the radio on, and at a normal human pace. I usually just enjoyed the time away from the family to listen to some of the modern music that I refused to listen to around anyone, it was the music that was all about loosing your love, and I just let myself get lost in it. Setting aside some time to let myself be as miserable as I felt all the time was a great help. I turned the speakers on full blast so that I couldn't even hear myself think if I wanted to, pulling the car over to the side of the road as Katy Perry's 'Thinking of you' came over the radio. Emmett would have a field day if he knew just how much I was in love with the song. I actually had first heard it emanating from Alice's room, and it had – or rather would have – hit me so hard I cried.
As the song started off my vampiric photo graphic memory brought me right back to Isabella. Her perfect brown hair and her beautiful brown eyes, it was like she was still there with me. Sometimes I still couldn't believe that she wasn't still here with me. I reached for my bag and into it to try and locate my journal, when I realized that I hadn't carried it with me for a few decades now, it was now resting in my sock drawer.
I then thought of Esme, and how I felt so bad, not telling her, but to tell her that she would always be second, Isabella was still in my heart as she always would remain. I remembered her final letter and I felt a stab of guilt. I had long since memorized it, and I recited in my head:
My Dearest Carlisle,
It is inconceivable to me just how much you mean to me, and my hope is that I mean just as much to you. I must thank you, though I know you shall never accept anything in return for this great deed other than my love. My heart belongs rightfully to you, and with you it shall always remain, as you are my prince right out of the fairytales, coming to save me. It is so joyous that we are to depart tonight and the prospect of never being in the arms of another is a feeling to which I cannot give words.
I am eager as always to start our new life together, away from this place, where we are free to be loved by one another. I cannot wait much longer to become forever yours as Mrs. Cullen. I beg to you that as soon as we land in the New World that is our first priority. I yearn for myself to provide you offspring, and my only hope is that I can provide you with a son to grow like you and bring this happiness to another.
I send all my love to you until we are together once more. I love you, and I shall, from this moment on, be at your side always.
For eternity yours,
Isabella
The pang of guilt soon turned to an overwhelming feeling of depression as the tears that would never come stung the back of my eyes. I would have to carry the guilt of not staying true to my Isabella, and I felt as though I could have jumped into a bon fire the moment I could. I just wanted this life to be over, I didn't want to be here any longer without her there by my side. She was my one true love, and even though that title was supposed to be Esme's, it wasn't and it never would be. I needed her words to be true, I needed her by my side, and I yearned to be her's for eternity as she had vowed to be mine. I needed her, I missed her, and I still hadn't gotten over her, three hundred and fifty years after she had had the good fortune of leaving the earth.
I was now married to Esme, and Esme was great, she was amazing, but she was no Isabella, and as the song said it was hard to settle for second best when you already had had your soul mate. Isabella popped into my head again, the way she laughed the many times that we spent running in the back allies of London, the way her hair blew in the breeze of the sea air and the way she had stayed with me in my dreams when I had been blessed with them. Though, I didn't need them when I had them.
I missed my Bella as much as I missed my human life, I was never meant to live without her. I knew that, I knew that I was supposed to die when she did, and in a way, of course I did. Though, it was entirely unfair and torturous in the fact that I was denied the simple wish of truly dying as well.
Eventually I pulled myself together enough to drive the rest of the way back to the house and I got there and saw Edward, Alice, Rosalie, Jasper, and Emmett out in the front yard. Jasper looked distraught and the others just were trying to get Edward to tell them something, though their voices were not clear to me. I got out of the car and approached the group of my 'children' and they all quickly surrounded me as Edward gave me a weary and warning look. They all started to talk at once, and even with my vampiric hearing I couldn't understand what they were all trying to say at the same time. Edward however, said nothing.
"Everyone, quite," I said calmly and I turned to Edward, "Edward, please tell me what's going on."
"Esme decided to do laundry," said Edward, "And in putting your socks away…"
He didn't have to finish, and he didn't as I silently thanked him and he nodded as he read my mind. The other kids all just looked at me, and Jasper, who I found out didn't know the whole story through a silent inquiry to Edward, looked over at me murderously. He had only been feeling Esme's hurt feelings and most likely broken heartedness, and perhaps and tad bit of jealousy and now my sorrow. I couldn't even configure in my mind what he was thinking of me at the moment.
"Where is she?" I asked immediately and Edward nodded towards the house.
"She hasn't come out of the bedroom since she found it," He replied and I nodded as I headed towards the door.
"She found what?" said Alice and I gave her a questioning look.
"Esme's confused, and so… so is Alice," Edward informed me and I nodded as I ran up to the bed room.
I knocked before entering and Esme grunted, telling me to come in, almost silently, and I did. She was sitting on the floor, the journal closed in front of her, but there was no doubt in my mind that she had already finished reading it. My old barely put together bag was next to it, with my bible still in the original language, was still in it. She just looked up at me, sorrow in her eyes as much as it was in mine and she picked up my journal.
"What happened to her?" Esme asked finally, her voice barely audible.
"She died," I said, swallowing hard, almost to stop the tears that were still not coming, "August 22, 1659, or at least that's when she disappeared."
"Oh Carlisle," said Esme, as her quick brain calculated that that was almost exactly one year after I had been turned, "Why didn't you turn her?"
"It was too late," I said, trying to remain distant to avoid dry sobbing, "She disappeared, her body never resurfaced, I couldn't find her. I looked for years, but she never showed up. That is the portion of my past story that I left out. I wandered hopeless and heart broken through Europe for years before the Volturi found me."
Esme was silent for a few seconds before she asked her next question.
"Do you still love her?" She said, it was more of statement than a question, she knew the answer already, but I nodded just the same
"Love like that is all consuming and true," I said quietly, and she looked up at me, "Love like that never fades, no matter how much time has passed."
"'All consuming'?" Esme said and I just looked at her, sorrow filling my eyes once more.
"I am truly sorry, Esme," I said simply, anything more would have been more hurtful.
"Why did you marry me then, Carlisle?" said Esme, she was angry now, and I couldn't blame her.
"You loved me," I said, "Edward confirmed that, and he pushed me, he was tired of all my thoughts of Bella, and he thought that they would go away if I married. He thought I might find some happiness. He was trying to help me, though, it didn't help in the slightest, while being with you Esme is nice, the guilt is unbearable. I know it's stupid, and I should have moved on by now, but I really just fell like I'm wronging her, and I can't take hurting her, I feel like she's still out there somewhere. I know that could never be true, there's no way she could possibly be there still. My heart is hers, it always will be and I'm sorry I can't love you like you love me. I'm sorry you found out this way."
"Do you feel anything for me, Carlisle? Did you ever?" Esme asked.
"Second," I replied, it was the word that I had been avoiding for the past few minutes, "I feel like I'm sorry that you were second, but I wouldn't trade the way things were with Bella, at least in the beginning, for anything. It's like I love you because of the years that have gone by, but it's still only a tiny proportion of the way I can love and the way I do love Isabella. You deserve more than I can love."
Esme nodded as I sank to my knees and picked up the journal. I opened it slowly as the old binding creaked and I flipped through the pages to the last one before the last cover. I looked down at the sketch of Isabella that I had made once I had been turned. It had captured her like a modern photograph. She was standing out on the balcony, the way she had so many times to watch me as I passed, I had drawn it after she had disappeared.
"I'm leaving," Esme said as she stood up, our entire conversation until that point had been a whisper so no one downstairs would here, and I heard angry shouts from downstairs, but I gave them no notice.
"Ok," I said, I felt bad, again.
I should've been sad to see her leaving, not relieved like I felt. I just sat there, and by the time I heard the kids outside screaming and begging Esme to stay downstairs, I had moved just enough to put my journal back into my bag. I stood up slowly, even by human standards and I lifted the bag over my shoulder as Alice, followed closely by the rest of the 'kids' burst in throw the door.
"Carlisle!" Alice said, "What the hell is going on?"
Everyone but Edward looked murderous. I suppose I couldn't blame them either, they, with the way things were happening, would obviously think that I was having an affair of some kind, which was not entirely inaccurate.
"Explain." Rosalie said pointedly and Edward sighed.
"Lay off, guys," said Edward and all of their murderous stares switched to lay on him.
"You knew what was going on the whole time?" Emmett said, for once serious, as realization dropped on him.
"Trust me, you want to let him recover," said Edward, giving me a sorrowful look.
"No," said Rosalie angrily, "He needs to explain this to us now!"
"Carlisle…" said Edward, "Would you like me to explain?"
"No," I said, taking the journal back out of my bag and holding it out for the kids to take, "Read this, then I'll start."
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A/N: Ok so yeah, we jumped ahead a little bit, but you guys get to know what happened next when Carlisle tells the kids…
