CHAPTER 7

Authoress: Welcome back to Random Radio, playing the weirdest of the weird. If you're just joining us, we're taking requests today, and this chapter goes out to Senor Bugsy. Stay random!

Alrighty then, Chapter number 7. The supposed "lucky" chapter, if you're into that sort of thing. Whatever. Okay I'm done prattling on. On with the show...uh, chapter, sorry. :-)


Belle looks through the dresses that the Wardrobe proudly presents.

Belle: Those are all very beautiful, but I'm not going to dinner.

Wardrobe: Not going? B-But no one just not goes.

Belle: I'm sure there was someone.

Wardrobe: Well, there was the one...oh, no wait sorry that was in a movie. Um, there was the one guy...hang on, no sorry I'm wrong. What about that...

Cogsworth enters.

Cogsworth: Ahem, ahem, ahem, *coughs* *hacks*

Belle stares at him with raised eyebrows. Cogsworth is doubled over wheezing.

Belle: Um, are you okay?

Cogsworth: Yes, of course. Sometimes the dust gets to me. Anyway, dinner is served.

Authoress: Another dustball, Cogsy?

Cogsworth: Hey, I don't say anything about your disabilities, and don't call me Cogsy!

Authoress: Touchy.

CUT TO:

The Beast is pacing in front of the fireplace. Mrs. Potts and Lumiere look on mostly hoping that a spark from the fire doesn't land on the Beast. No, seriously. Do you have any idea what singed beast smells like? It's almost as bad as wet beast. *shudders*

Beast: Dude, like why isn't she here yet? Seriously! Dude, I was totally like: You're gonna come to dinner.

He begins to air guitar.

Authoress: When did John DiMaggio inhabit your body?

Lumiere: It will be simple: she will fall in love with you, you will fall in love with her, then you'll kick it up a notch and BAM! The spell will be broken.

Authoress: I'm sorry, am I missing something? Is there a reason that celebrities are possessing you?

Beast: But dude, she's like, such a babe, seriously. And me, well dude, just look at me, I'm totally disgusting. Maybe I should get a haircut. Like a mullet or something. All business in the front party in the back.

He air guitars again.

Authoress: Hoo Boy.

Mrs. Potts: Now, master, you can make her see past all that. Act like a gentleman.

Beast stops in mid air guitar.

Beast: A what?

Lumiere and Mrs. Potts tell him several ways to impress the potential spell-breaker. But the most important one is that...

LUIMERE: You must control your temper! You can't be all like, Bam! Sometimes you don't have to kick it up a notch.

Cogsworth enters.

Beast: Um, so where is she?

Cogsworth stutters for a few moments. (But no one really cares about what he's saying)

Cogsworth: Well, she's kinda sorta possibly…not coming.

CUT TO:

EXT. of den with door slightly ajar. (then I guess it's not a door any more, is it?)

Beast(O.S.): Say what?

He bursts through the door with the objects following closely behind him. Cogsworth is babbling something, but, no offense to him, no one really cares.

CUT TO: The Beast at Belle's door. He knocks. Well, actually he practically breaks down the door, but anyways. (BTW Beast is a little ticked. Just FYI.)

Beast: I thought I told you to chow with me! Seriously!

Authoress: Okay enough with the seriously already.

Beast: Seriously?

Authoress: Yes, seriously.

Sirius: Did someone call?

Authoress: No, sweetie. Get back to your own fandom.

Sirius: Aww… (trudges – that's the vocab word for the day kiddies! Trudges! Try to use it in a sentence! – away)

Beast: Fine, whatever.

Belle: I'm not hungry!

Beast: I really don't care! Get out here.

Belle: No!

Beast: I'm gonna break down the door!

Cogsworth: Master, please, try to be a gentleman.

Beast: But she's being all difficult and stuff!

Mrs. Potts: Gently, gently.

Beast: (all dejected-like) Will you come down to dinner?

Cogsworth: Ahem, we say please.

Beast: (even more dejected-like) Please.

Belle: Um, I believe I said no.

Lumiere: Be suave. Genteel. Then, BAM! Go in for the kill.

Beast: The kill?

Lumiere: Uh, metaphorically speaking.

Beast rolls his eyes and holds in his rage. He fists his cloak and bows at the door.

Beast: It would give me uh…

Lumiere: (whispering) Great honour.

Beast: …great honour if you would join me for dinner.

Belle: I will…

Beast perks up.

Belle: …when hell freezes over!

Beast: (wicked ticked this time) Fine then you can STARVE for all I care! (to the servants) If she doesn't eat with me, she doesn't eat at all.

He runs down the hall on all fours and slams a door. This causes a piece of ceiling to fall on…Lefou's head! Ha! Didn't see that coming now, did you?

Lefou: Ow! Why is it always me?

Gaston: Shh! The gypsy said I should look for a sign.

He begins to eat something out of a bowl.

Gaston: Lefou, look! There There's a message in my Alpha-bits! It says Oooo.

Lefou: Uh, Gaston those are Cheerios.

Gaston looks at his spoon with a weird, stupid look on his face. He looks as if he's gonna hit Lefou. Lefou backs away slowly. Back to the real story.

Gaston: But we are the real story!

Authoress: Um, not really. No one cares if you can't tell Alpha-bits from Cheerios.

Gaston: That's nothing. Last week I tried to put together a puzzle. It was supposed to be a tiger, I think, but the pieces wouldn't go together.

Authoress: The puzzle pieces wouldn't have been edible and sugary, were they?

Gaston: Actually they were.

Authoress smacks her forehead.

Authoress: Those were Frosted Flakes, you twit!

Gaston: Ohh.

Authoress: Why do I even bother?

Gaston: Because you love me. Admit it. You think that I'm too sexy for…

Authoress: No! Don't even finish that sentence.

Gaston: But…

Authoress: No. You are never to repeat that song anywhere in this fic. Comprende?

Gaston: (kinda dejected) Okay. I'll just go and finish my Alpha-bits then.

Authoress: Um, you're still eating Cheerios.

Gaston: Cheerios?

He picks up his spoon that is indeed filled with Cheerios.

Gaston: Oh, right. Wait a minute…

He looks back at his spoon, which is now filled with Fruit Loops.

Gaston: The Cheerios are gone.

Authoress: Huh.

She has a knowing smirk on her face.

Gaston: Yeah, now they're…woah!

Authoress: What happened?

Gaston: Now they're Cocoa Puffs, no wait! Now their Kix. Hold up, now they're Cheerios again! Why cruel world? Why?

Gaston curls up in the fetal position on the floor and he looks around nervously. Lefou just carries on with his work, whatever that is (but I'm pretty sure it's to be Gaston's personal cheerleader, I mean what else would he do? He's not really proficient at anything else. But don't tell him I said that.), like this is a normal event that happens every day.

Gaston: What's going on?

Authoress: Genie, I didn't know you were a master of prestidigitation. (How's that for a vocab word? Anyone who knows what that means without looking it up gets a special prize!)

Genie: There are many things about me that you don't know.

Gaston: What's going…never mind. I'm just gonna sit here like this until my next scene.

Authoress: You do that. And now…

The scene changes.

Authoress: Hey you're not supposed to cut until I say to.

Camera cuts back to the Authoress.

Authoress: Right! Wait for it. Director, cut!

The scene cuts back to the castle. Okay Lumiere is standing guard and Cogsworth and Mrs. Potts have gone to clean up the kitchen or whatever.

Meanwhile the Beast is all freaking out in his room about Belle. So he's trashing his room and what-not. And ZOMFG there's this really shiny mirror that he picks up.

Beast: (to the mirror) Show me the girl.

The mirror gets all glow-y and crackle-y and just looks cool and I wanna poke it 'cos it's shiny. An image of Belle talking to the Wardrobe (cos you can't talk to yourself cos that would just be really weird) appears in the mirror.

Wardrobe: Well, if you just got to know the guy…

Belle: I don't wanna get to know him. I don't want to have anything to do with him!

Wardrobe: Well that's just too bad. You promised to stay here. You're gonna have to interact with him.

Belle: Not necessarily.

Wardrobe: Um, yes necessarily. What are you gonna do stay locked up here forever?

Belle: Maybe.

Wardrobe: That's nice and all, but how are you gonna get food?

Belle thinks for a moment.

Belle: The Authoress (dramatic chord) can get it for me.

Authoress: What? No way. I'm neutral like Switzerland.

Belle: Shoot. What about you, Genie?

She does the Puppy Dog Pout.

Genie: Well, I…I, uh…

He looks nervously at Authoress, whose standing with her arms crossed and looking expectantly at him. He looks back at Belle who still is Puppy Dog Pouting.

Genie: I could never resist the Puppy Dog Pout. Okay!

He morphs into a matire de.

Genie: Will you be having the chicken or the sea bass?

Authoress: Genie! We're not supposed to interfere.

Genie: So what do you call what we've been doing for the last seven chapters?

Authoress looks sheepish.

Authoress: Um, commentating?

Genie raises an eyebrow at her like Teal'c does.

Authoress: Oh alright. We're not supposed to interfere that much.

Genie: Okay, I'm sorry Belle, but I can't and no amount of Puppy Dog Pouting will change that.

Belle: Darn. Well, I still don't want to have anything to do with him.

The Beast's ears kinda fall. He lets out a low mournful Chewie sounding whimper. He looks all depressed and in need of a hug. Poor guy.

Beast: That's it.

A petal falls from the magical, sparkly, rose with a sad song playing in the background. Beast hangs his head and sets down the mirror.

Beast: It's hopeless.

FADE TO:

Hours pass.

Tick-tock-tick-tock.

Authoress: Genie, there's no need to be sarcastic.

Genie turns from a clock back into his original form.

Now Lumiere and the Featherduster are…uh…canoodling (once again I hope that I've expanded your vocabulary) behind a curtain to the sounds of Barry White.

Barry: Let's get it on.

Lumiere: See, I thought of everything…romantic music…a private room…candlelight…

Babette, yeah, that's the Featherduster's name. Don't believe me? Go look it up. Go ahead. I'll wait.

Oh, you're back. Was I right? Uh, yeah, of course I was. I'm the dang Authoress. Thanks for holding up the story there buddy. Yeah, chief, I'm talkin' to you. Can I start again? Thanks pal.

Anyway, Babette isn't entirely convinced.

Babette: I don't think so. I've been burned by you before. Literally. Singed feathers are not a good look.

Lumiere: Come now, ma Cherie…

He grabs her and she giggles, and major canoodling starts again, but…

Belle comes out of her room quietly and walks down the hall. Lumiere notices, drops Babette and runs, well he doesn't actually have legs so it's more like he hops after her.

Cogsworth and Mrs. Potts are talking about Belle and all that. Oh, and the Stove and Chip are there too. The Stove's no too happy. He keeps ranting about how he's overworked and yadda, yadda, yadda.

Mrs. Potts: If he keeps acting like that, he'll never break the…

Belle comes in and Cogsworth cuts off Mrs. Potts before she can say "spell". He comes over to Belle and introduces himself all formally, but he is interrupted by Lumiere and his French intro…

Lumiere: Whatever you need I can get you.

Belle: Well, I am a little hungry.

Mrs. Potts: You hear that, she's hungry! Good thing we just finished cleaning up. Jeez! Could you have picked a worse time to come down. Haha! Just kidding. Let's get cooking!

Magical silverware jumps out of the cabinets and the Stove gets cooking, literally. Now this is where the logic goes out the window. There isn't one person for each piece of silverware or broom or whatever. So don't let it confuse you. Anyway…

Cogsworth: But don't you remember what the master said?

Mrs. Potts: Don't be such a stick in the mud. I'm not about to let the poor girl starve.

Cogsworth: Okay, but don't make a lot of noise. If the master finds out, it will be our heads.

Authoress: Do y'all even have heads? I mean, you're objects now. I guess Mrs. Potts is sort of a hopping head, but I don't really think that counts. By the way, where is Mr. Potts? Did he get turned into a coffee carafe or something? 'Cos I could really go for some coffee right now…

The Objects just stare at her.

Genie: I don't think you need any more coffee.

Authoress: But I like the coffee…

Lumiere: Yeah, whatever. But what is dinner without a little spontaneous musical number.

Lumiere walks out the swinging door, which swings back and hits Cogsworth. He flies backward.

Cogsworth: Spontaneous musical number?

He lands in a plate of wiggly green probably lemon-lime flavoured Jell-O. Jell-O is yummy. Especially when it's chocolate pudding. Or when you put them in those egg molds and then you flick them at people, yeah, I don't care who you are, that's funny right there. Actually, gelatin is more fun to say than Jell-O, or is it? Huh. Alrighty then, that's the end of the seventh chapter. Spontaneous musical number to follow. And, I don't own Jell-O, except what's in my cabinet right now. Sorry it was short. Longer chapter to follow. My sugar rush has worn off, so I bid you all Adieu!