-~*~-
CHAPTER VIII: A Stagnant Life
After the fire, our cirque changed significantly. Our once nomadic lives came to an abrupt halt. For months after the fire, we stayed in the Hartford area, as the courts looked into what caused the fire.
A few days passed before I saw Liam or Cisco again. Both of them were significantly burned during the fall of the big-top. Liam according to mom's recollection of the events, ran into the tent to search for me, but was burned before he could find me and that's why momma thought I was dead. If it weren't for that angel named Henry, I would have been. Momma tried her best to cover my eyes from the devastation, but I saw anyway. There was no place I could hide from it.
September came, and we hadn't moved anywhere. Momma's eyes were sad whenever she saw Liam's mangled arm that was kissed so roughly by the dancing flames. She tried not to show how his wounds affected her, but it still came through her false exterior from time to time.
Those few months marked the first days of formal education I have ever had. During the time we spent delayed in Hartford, momma sent me to a small elementary school near downtown. Momma would walk me there every day holding my book bag. I'd kiss her bye and run in the building with the other kids.
I sat in my assigned seat and listened to every word my teacher spoke. She was a pretty woman, with a nice smile and a friendly disposition. She stood there in front of the class and taught us our ABCs, but I didn't pay much attention. I didn't have to, because I already knew my ABCs, momma taught them to me. I listened as the kids in class sang the little ditty and struggled over the LMNOPs, but I didn't feel like singing with them. My mind still dwelled on the state of our cirque. So many questions lingered about my family's future.
My teacher asked what was wrong, and I didn't answer. She wouldn't have understood if I did tell her. School ended sometime in the early afternoon and I usually walked alone back to the cirque grounds. On my return, I would stop by Travardy's training tent and continued to learn the intricate art of the trapeze. Warrick and I just finished our first set of basic exchanges successfully, leaving Travardy very pleased with our progress. "I'll see you tomorrow," he smiled and we'd leave his tent.
At night, I'd climb in my hammock and go to sleep and the entire day would start all over tomorrow. That was how life was for me during the months at Hartford.
The one thing I did learn in school was that I hated school. I hated my teacher, Mrs. Knolls. Everyone was as new to school as I was, but somehow I just couldn't seem to fit in. I tried not to let it get to me, but on some deep level, it hurt me in ways that I didn't even know. That was when I learned where I truly belonged. I belonged in the cirque. It was the only place that would accept me without question or prejudice.
At September's end, we were finally able to leave this area and I was so very thankful for it. I hated the Hartford area and I wanted nothing more than to get away from here. Far away, another city, another state, another country would be fine by me.
Our show was already months behind and it was sure to get longer as we had no big-top and with the Great War consuming the nation's resources, it's a good bet we wouldn't see those resources for a while. Our tour was indefinitely postponed, but we still moved westward. I wasn't exactly sure where our company came to a stop. Our entire caravan pulled over to some remote area late at night, perhaps to give the drivers a chance to rest their weary eyes.
My mind must've had my body convinced that I was still moving, or perhaps I have moved too much in my short life and will always feel the most ease moving from one place to another. Whatever it was, I could swear I kept moving even when things were stagnate. Sitting in my usual place, I looked up at the stars. They were beautiful, the stars truly magnificent and if I were a bird, I would fly to those stars and see the world for how grand it truly is.
"What's on your mind, little Birdling?" Prue stepped up and took a seat beside me.
"Just looking at the stars," I replied looking at the big dipper. Was it ever this grand? The brightly shining stars in the blackness of the night. "They look so pretty the way they sparkle so perfectly."
"I know what you mean," she agreed. "You're thinking back on the first aren't you?" I could feel my stomach tighten as I turned to face her.
"I see it everywhere," I said, my voice pained with the fear that one day that fire will finally consume me like a raging beast. "It laughs at me, Prue, it dances around me says it will eat me if I give it the chance," I cried.
"It was an accident, Nick, only an accident," her hands gently stroked my back trying to calm my frazzled nerves. I think she's known for a while how I feared the fire and how terrified I am that it will one day claim what is left of me. I saw what it did to Liam's arm. It looks terrible. I didn't say anything to him about it, because I know how much it hurts him to have the scars he carries.
Deep down, I knew the fire wasn't exactly an accident. The cause of it was a dropped torch, but the lion escaping was no accident. Heather Kessler loved her lions, but she'd never let them out during a show. She was gone to the privy when someone snuck in and picked the lock. I wished that they hadn't. I wish they had just left well enough alone. Two hundred people died because of someone's dislike for how Heather kept her beloved animals. It was his fault that they all died.
In recent months, I found myself constantly thinking about death and how I managed to weasel out of its clutches. I don't say a word about my morbid thoughts to my sister. She would probably misunderstand them, as would others. I wasn't suicidal, only curious.
What would death be like? Was it true that there was an afterlife such as heaven or hell? Was there a God? My mind seems to be stuck on these issues, unable to process them appropriately and move on. Eventually, I was able to convince myself that these questions had no real answer that any one person could give, because no living soul actually knew what it was like to die. It would be a journey that I would have to take for myself.
-+-
The next few months were tainted with uncertainty. Without the big-top our cirque would have to resort to other methods of making money. For the time being, we took up with a travelling carnival. Carnivals were a good substitute for our cirque, but they were different in various ways. They were smaller and they never stayed in one place longer than a few days. For us, it meant a lot more travelling, shorter shows and a pay cut. Carnivals are nowhere near as profitable to us as our circus was, but under the current situation, we didn't have much of a choice.
I heard rumours that Sam Braun even considered breaking our cirque apart allowing the members to drift to one of the other circuses scattered around the place. Cisco refused to let that happen and for that, we travelled around with a small carnival. What used to be the sideshow tent was now our main event tent, small singe marks and all.
Hodges, hated sharing what he considered HIS tent with the acrobats, clowns, and all the rest of us normal cirque folk. The show now consisted of me. My part was fairly easy though. Cisco had placed me with the acrobats for the time being and I enjoyed it.
The first time I went out there with the acrobats, I was nervous as all get out. My knobby knees shook like nothing I have ever experienced before. The butterflies in my stomach flapped their wings like crazy.
When the spotlight came on, the faces of the crowd disappeared into the darkness. And even though I knew they saw us as a unit. I still felt like the entire audience had their eyes fixed solely on me. I could feel my lungs constricting as I took my assigned place.
My routine wasn't hard. In comparison to the other acrobats, it was fairly simple. All I had to do was a few strings of back handsprings with either flips or aerials tacked onto the end. Mostly, I preferred the back flip in the layout position. That was the easiest ending I could do.
After a few passes the butterflies in my stomach began to disappear. In fact, the entire performance stated to feel a lot like practice. I suppose that was the whole point of practice sessions.
Thinking back on it, my stage freight is somewhat funny. However, I guess it is only natural for a person to fear something they are not accustomed to. Either way, I quelled the butterflies fluttering in my stomach and I fulfilled my role perfectly. Naturally, the audience ate me up. They couldn't get enough of the tumbling little boy.
Every afternoon I would perform with the acrobats and every evening those who witnessed the spectacle adored me. Perhaps my view was a little vain, but to a five-year-old that is how my world looked. After every show, the troupe would gather and share a drink together. We'd raise our glasses high to another day and another show performed admirably. Then the day would start over in the morning.
Every morning, I would go and see Travardy. There Warrick and I would work on our trapeze routine. Even though we had no big-top, we were expected to be a cirque again, and Travardy wouldn't have our training stopped by a bad turn in our situation. At noon, momma would take me out to lunch, usually with Prue and Liam. Mandy and Wendy always wanted to join us, but Cisco had them performing during the lunch hour.
When we returned, it was my turn and Prue would wish me luck as I walked in the tent and started showing off my limited talents to anyone who would watch. Even though Prue was off, she usually stood around and watched. Personally, I think she knew that the fire was still affecting me and wanted to make sure I had someone there for me. I appreciated it. I really did, because I knew that momma couldn't always be at my side.
Performing seemed to help me, or at the very least get my mind off the incident. I know the image of all those burned bodies won't soon vanish from my nightmares, however when I was out there performing, all I could do was focus on the routine. If I focused on anything else while performing, I would surely land square on my bum. That would get a large applause I am sure... not to mention the rest of my troupe would laugh at me from now until Kingdom come. I would never hear the end of it. It is about needless to say at this point, but performing was a much welcomed and needed break for me.
