A/N so I wanted to post really quickly and here it is…this is only part one so I'll get part two of it up sometime next week hopefully at the latest and I'll put the song in there. The song is Blue Christmas by Elvis Presley, even if it isn't in the post yet. Anyways, r/r and thanks.

Blue Christmas Part 1

It's the last day of school before our winter break. I wait for Ryan outside his car since he had to take care of something with some teacher and told me to go ahead. Since it's now December, the air is kind of cold and I'm upset that I left my jacket in Ryan's car and have no way to get inside of it. I look through the window and groan. It's like torture to stare at it and imagine it around me…so warm and soft. I try thinking of ways to get inside his car when I hear someone come up behind me. I already know it's Ryan and don't bother turning around. "Can you hurry up, I'm freezing!" I say, rubbing my arms.

He laughs and takes off his own jacket. "Here, this will keep you a lot warmer," he says, putting his jacket around my shoulders. We're close to each other now and again I feel those familiar feelings of butterflies and electricity in my body. My heart beats faster too, something that always seems to happen when Ryan's around. He smiles at me and asks, "All better?"

I gulp and look at him, giving him a small smile. "Yeah, much better," I say, feeling warmer already. I have to wonder if it's because of his jacket, or because of him.

He smiles and opens the door for me and helps me into the car like I'm a little kid, but it makes me feel so special that I don't say anything. I don't mind all that much. When he gets in and starts the car I grab his hand which is warm and rough yet soft in my own and hold it, lacing our fingers together. I like holding his hand for some reason that I can't explain, but it's not like he minds. Ever since my mother dearest slapped me, Ryan and I have just gotten so much closer to the point where I don't question myself holding his hand anymore. "So what are the plans for tonight?" I ask. I figure he's probably going to ask me to dinner anyways so I should just beat him to the point.

He frowns and looks straight ahead. "I actually have plans.." He says, not meeting my eye. He pretends like he's really interested in driving, but we all know that he's always looking at me when he's supposed to be looking at the road.

"Oh," I say, taking away my hand.

He sighs and says, "Don't be that way…you don't even know what the plans are."

I shake my head and say, "No, I don't…but I can imagine what they could be. You're hanging out with your friends…or the Cohens, who I haven't met yet. Or maybe you have some hot date." I smile at him, a genuine smile and say, "But it doesn't matter."

"It doesn't?" He asks, raising his eyebrows.

I shake my head and say, "Nope."

He seems amused by this and says, "So I could be going out with the hottest girl at school and you wouldn't care?"

I shake my head and cross my arms in front of my chest. "Nope, you're free to do whatever you want with anyone you want to because I'm not your girlfriend and you're not my boyfriend so really it doesn't matter to me."

He laughs and says, "You're so cute when you get that way."

"What way?" I ask, looking at him.

He continues laughing and says, "So…I don't know, when you get the way you are now. When you're determined, there's the word." He looks over at me and says, "You're so cute when you're determined."

I roll my eyes and say, "Whatever."

He grabs my hand even though I still have it crossed over my chest when we stop at a nearby stoplight and says, "And the plans are to go help Sandy and Seth get a Christmas tree. Seth likes looking for them at night for some reason. I would invite you…but it would be boring, believe me."

I shrug and say, "Okay. You didn't have to tell me that though…"

He smiles and I guess he notices that I haven't pulled my hand away because he traces circles over the top of my hand and it sends shivers down my spine. "I know…but I want to," He says. He starts driving again and then says, "Besides…it's not like I could've had a date with the hottest girl in school."

"And why not?" I ask, looking over at him with raised eyebrows.

He shrugs and says, "You keep telling me that you don't want to date me yet."

I blush and don't say anything for a while. I can tell he enjoys my silence and I finally say, "Whatever."

He laughs and says, "We're here." I see that we are at my house and sigh. Ryan notices the change in my mood and his eyes get intense like they always do when he's worried. "Is everything fine at home?" He asks me.

I nod and say, "Yeah, my mom and I haven't had anymore arguments."

He watches me for a long time, probably trying to read me. He nods after a while, but I can see that he's not completely satisfied. "Okay…well, if you need anything or just want to talk…you have my number." He gives me a small smile.

I smile back and lean closer to him and say, "I know." He looks at my lips and I look at his, my heart thudding furiously in my chest. I turn and kiss his cheek and say, "Call me later tonight?"

He nods and I pull away. I start to hand him his jacket when he says, "Keep it…I want you to stay warm."

"I have my own jacket you know," I argued, grabbing my own.

He takes my jacket and looks at it and then says, "I don't like it….it's not thick enough for you. I don't want you getting sick."

I shake my head and roll my eyes and say, "We live in California Ryan, not Alaska. It doesn't get that cold here."

He sighs and says, "I was just trying to help." He gives me that sad, brooding look of his that he always uses when he wants to get his way.

I sigh, he looks too adorable, I can't help but agree with him. "Fine, I'll take it." He smiles and I say, "I'll be waiting for your call."

He grins widely and says, "Don't worry, I'll call."

I nod and smile back at him, getting out of the car. "Bye."

"Bye.." he says, watching me, even after I close the door. I feel his stare on my back as I walk to the front door and enter it. When I get inside I see Steve looking out the window but trying not to look like he was and I roll my eyes.

"Wow, stalker much Steve?" I ask, walking past him.

"Where have you been?" He demands.

"Well you know, the usual. I went to a bar and had a few drinks then decided to walk on the pier and have a few smokes…then I went and saw my drug dealer and he gave me some coke. Ryan just sort of tagged along, encouraging me the whole time," I say sarcastically. "It's fifteen minutes after school got out…Ryan was giving me a ride home."

"It doesn't take fifteen minutes to get home," He states annoyed.

"We took a little longer at school," I state, walking towards the stairs. "See you at dinner!" I call over my shoulder.

"I wasn't done talking to you!" He calls back after me.

Where is my mom? I sigh and roll my eyes and say, "You mean interrogating me? Where's mom?"

"She's off doing errands," He says and I notice that he's walking towards me. "You know what I always thought was fun?" He asks.

I walk into my room and try to close my door and lock it but he's faster than me and he grabs my arms and pushes me down onto my bed. Crap. "What, raping innocent girls?" I ask, taking a wild guess.

He shakes his head and glares at me, then smiles his wicked smile and says, "No, I love daytime quickies."

As he raped me, I left my body. I imagined that I was flying in the sky, looking down at Newport. Usually I wish that I'm dead, or that I was never born. This time though, I imagine I'm looking at a sunset…and Ryan's with me. This time, I completely block out the pain. This time, I actually want to live through it all.

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Being raped twice in the same day doesn't really make you feel that great. It makes you feel like crap to be quite honest. When Steve's done the second time late that night, I just lay there, staring up at the ceiling. When I was little I used to be afraid that there were monsters in the closets or under my bed that would come out and kill me. Then I stopped believing in monsters and everything was fine. Then I met Steve. Who knew that monsters came in the shape of men?

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I'm usually really excited when I hear my phone ring. Not tonight though. Being raped once usually makes me feel a little down, a little bad. Being raped twice in the same day makes me feel defeated. It's a horrible feeling.

When my phone rings I answer it after the third ring. "Hello?" I ask tiredly. I lay down on my bed. I had just taken a really hot shower and was kind of hot right now.

"Hey," I hear Ryan say. I sigh. "What's wrong… you don't sound happy to hear me."

Oh gee, I just finished getting raped, sorry I'm not the most social person right now! I instead say, "I'm just tired." Could we maybe hurry this call along by any chance?

Ryan's quiet and then says, "Stop lying to me."

I sigh once more and say, "Ryan, I'm not lying."

"Yeah, you are. I know you and I know when you're tired and right now is not it. Now are you going to tell me what the real problem is?" He asks softly.

"There is no real problem," I state defiantly. I don't know why I'm arguing with Ryan. I'm freaking in love with him and I'm arguing with him! This doesn't make sense even to me. How can you love and dislike someone at the same time?

"Marissa…" he says quietly, then pauses. I wait for the rest of the sentence to come along, and eventually it does. "Look, I don't know what's wrong with you and I don't know how to fix it which annoys the hell out of me right now," He pauses and I giggle just a little bit, feeling a little better at his words, "But despite the fact that you're being a pain in the ass, I want to invite you to Chrismukkah."

"Chrismukkah?" I ask, a little confused.

He laughs slightly and says, "Yeah…Seth made it up. If you come I'll tell you all about it."

I roll my eyes even though he can't see me and even though I'm actually happy that he's inviting me say, "Now why would I want to go do something like that?"

He's quick to answer, "Because you love me?"

I know he's teasing, so I teas back and say, "Nope, not a chance Atwood."

He's not hurt by the comment because he knows deep down I don't mean it. He's quiet and then says, "Well then because you want to meet he Cohens."

I give an exasperated laugh and say, "Ryan, I want to meet them, yeah, but don't you think this is kind of a big step?"

"Nope," he says and I can hear the smile in his voice. "We're two friends right?"

I roll my eyes, knowing where this is going and say, "Yes."

"And friends can spend holidays together right?" He asks.

"Not Chrismukkah," I state.

"And why not?" He asks me teasingly. "Are you against it?"

"Nope, not against it…it's just not a holiday," I say, trying not to laugh.

"And who says it's not a holiday?" He asks, probably trying not to laugh also.

"Oh I don't know…I do," I tease.

"Well then you have to come over so I can sway your beliefs," He says.

I laugh now and roll my eyes. I think about it and then say, "Fine." What do I have to lose?

"Fine what? You'll come?" he asks excitedly. My heart soars at the way he says it too…almost like he's just won a million dollars. It makes me feel like the most important person in the world.

"Yes, I'll come," I say, trying not to sound happy about it. Inside though I feel like I'm about to burst with happiness. This means I get to escape my mom and Steve for a day and spend it with Ryan and his family. Wait a minute…Ryan's family…uh oh.

"You'll love it," he says.

"Ryan…" I say, suddenly a little worried.

"What's wrong?" He asks me, concern in his voice. I love it how he can tell so easily.

"I'm scared," I state, voicing my fear.

"Of what?" he asks confusedly.

"That the Cohens won't like me…" I say sadly.

He laughs on the other line and I glare off into space. "We've been over this…they'll love you. It's kind of hard not to…I speak from experience."

I roll my eyes and ask, "Are you sure?"

"That I love you, yeah," He says, knowing it's making me uncomfortable.

I roll my eyes and say, "No, about the Cohens."

He gets serious and says, "Yeah, I know they will, there's not doubt about it."

I'm quiet for a long time, we both are. I smile to myself, realizing that Ryan just made me feel so much better than I had before. Where before I had felt horrible and disgusting and dirty, now I felt whole and happy and warm. "Ryan?" I ask softly.

"Yeah?" He asks quietly.

"Do you believe in true love?" I ask. Don't ask me why I ask it but I do, and I mean the question.

He's quiet and then says, "Yeah, I really do. How come?"

"Oh, nothing," I say, smiling to myself softly, believing that if there is one person in this world that's meant for everyone…Ryan was mine.