A.N.: Anybody who is keeping to date with this story will have noticed that I've been bargaining with reviews. I am going to stop that because otherwise I will never finish this story. In less than 2 weeks, the holidays will end and I will have my computer clogged with school rather than ideas and then you'll have to wait until Easter (at the earliest). Because of all this, I will be wrapping up Baby Fernanda – but not without some really weird and random bangs first.

Mika (asleep and in monotone): I have to do this disclaimer because the authoress is too busy rummaging through her book looking for the list of ideas that she and sheep-rock came up with whilst high on blue raspberry bon-bons. Neither she nor sheep-rock own Darren Shan because that already belongs to Mr Tiny who manipulated the real author. All ideas belong to Mr Tiny. Mr Tiny has not written a speech for me to read off because that would be… (no longer in monotone) what does that word say? Sack it. He can blackmail someone else!

This is just a short chapter because I realised that Baby Fernanda did not appear much in the story called 'Baby Fernanda'. Ironic, no?

Whilst all this was going on, a sudden thought occurred to the General known as Perliat Cheil. After his sobbing fit in something like Chapter Two, he had run from the Halls and spent the hours dunking his head alternately in buckets of 'various liquids'. As a result he was very smelly and dizzy but it created the same sort of feeling you get when you're drunk.

When he got kicked out of the store rooms by a cranky Seba Nile (he didn't like being reminded about how many apostrophes he had used when he was younger), he begins to wonder where his bunny-doll has gone. He knows he won't be able to sleep without knowing that she's safe and tucked into the coffin next to his (complete with a carrot-toy for the bunny-doll).

He thinks that he ought to go and try to rescue his pride and joy before one of the vampires does something crazy like marrying her. As he makes his unsteady way to the Hall of Princes, he hears evil cackling and it distracts him. Like when you see a shiny object, he was just bent on finding where the laughter was coming from. He tracks it to a door and watches through the classic key-hole.

"Mwah ha ha ha!" a red-haired, scarred vampire in a red cloak laughs. It's Mr Crepsley. "At last Baby Fernanda! You and I shall have our revenge for the dishonouring of sudoku!"

He chokes and thumps himself on the back… then he begins pouring tea. That's right; Mr Crepsley is having a tea-party with the bunny-doll and plastic tea-cups. As for the tea… would you trust a vampire who is having a 'tea-party (of doom)' with hot liquids?

"So, like how are we like going to get our revenge?" Mr Crepsley asks the doll in a voice that sounds like it came straight from Fanfiction but is more often given to Kurda rather than Mr C. He makes 'Fernanda' whisper in his ear and nods a lot. The only answer Perliat can come up for all this is that Vampire Mountain has gone nutty (or maybe fruity depending on the type of chocolate).

"There you are Perliat!" somebody shrieks. "You have been listening at doors?! You no-good dropper-of-eaves! I will singe your nose hairs with a fire poker!"

The poor vampire jumps and runs for it, chased by an angry (and slightly senile) Seba Nile, who chases him with a stick for all of a minute before forgetting what he's doing. He ends up stood outside the door Perliat was. He too finds it necessary to 'be a dropper-of-eaves'.

Seba, unlike Perliat, doesn't linger long. When he sees Mr Crepsley dress the doll in a green, purple and black outfit complete with spikes and stake-shooter (it even has a matching bonnet!), he knows someone has to intervene.

"Larten! I did not bring you up to talk in baby-language to a doll! You're a disgrace to the vampires and you aren't fit to walk the pee of vampaneze's feet!" Seba roars. It doesn't have quite the right effect as Mr Crepsley laughs maniacally and splutters that Seba said 'pee' and used three apostrophes. Seba knows that something is really wrong with his assistant and drags him off to the showers, kicking and screaming, in the hope that he can scrub the rubbish out.

As soon as the bunny-doll is alone a ninja creeps in and picks 'her' up.

"I have you now!" he (at least it seems to be a 'he') chuckles, bagging Baby Fernanda. "Soon we'll get our revenge, won't we?!"

There must be laughing-gas in the water because this newcomer laughs madly for a minute. Unlike a true evil-genius, he pulls it off without choking… until a few seconds later. If he could see Fernanda's face, he would have been scared because her glass eyes and sewn mouth look quite sinister. If she could, she would be laughing right now.

Who is the newcomer? Has Baby Fernanda got a hidden agenda? Will Mr Tiny ever get those socks he's always wanted? We'll have to wait and see. I won't ask for any reviews this time but they would be appreciated (I'm starting to feel cut off and it's depressing). If there are some weird people out there who ARE still reading, I salute you and recommend the Extras on Darren Shan's website because some of them are SUPER-MONKEY-WITH-A-CHECKERS-OBSESSION RANDOM! That's nearly all I have to say.

Next up: Hens, Stags and Ninjas with no moves.