APPLIED ANTHROPOLOGY AND CULINARY ARTS - EDITED

INT. ANTHROPOLOGY CLASSROOM

The Anthropology final is completed ...sort of. Instead of a final, Shirley Bennett has given birth in the classroom and the Dean has completed an interview for Dean magazine.

Annie Edison, Britta Perry, Abed Nadir, Troy Barnes, and Pierce Hawthorne remain. Shirley has left with her newborn son and husband.

ANNIE

Guys...Ivy skipped the final.

JEFF

I mean, this is the ultimate blow off class. I'm sure Duncan didn't notice.

ANNIE

I texted her and she didn't answer. Abed, did she answer you?

ABED

No, but she was up late last night working on a costume. I'm sure he overslept.

Abed looks nervous, as though he doesn't quite believe what he is saying.

PIERCE

I'm sure she passed. In fact, she's passed more than one test if you know what I mean.

ABED

You got the results?

TROY

What results?

At that moment, Stanley Powers comes running into the room. Britta Perry and Annie Edison both step forward.

BRITTA

Hey Stanley!

ANNIE

You'll never believe what happened in our Anthropology final -

STANLEY

Where's Ivy? She's not here?

BRITTA

No. She missed the final.

Stanley grabs Abed by the shoulders.

STANLEY

You talked to her today, right?

ABED

No.

STANLEY

So she didn't tell you?

JEFF

Tell us what?

STANLEY

She won't answer my calls. My mom called her with the news this morning, but Ivy said she had a final and couldn't come over today.

ABED

What news?

STANLEY

There was a car accident. Her father died.

PIERCE

No, he didn't!

STANLEY

Yeah, he did. My mom said she took it badly.

INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE IVY'S DORM

Abed, Troy, Jeff, Annie, Pierce, and Britta stand outside of the door to Ivy's dorm room. No one makes a move to knock.

JEFF

So...what's our game plan?

BRITTA

We want to make her feel better, you jerk.

JEFF

Great plan, Britta. How are you going to do that?

BRITTA

I just pulled a baby out of Shirley. I can make someone feel better.

ANNIE

Jeff's right. We need a plan.

TROY

Um, should we really all be going? There's like six of us.

ANNIE

Maybe it should just be Abed.

The group looks to Abed. He doesn't say anything.

PIERCE

I think I can fix this.

JEFF

How are you going to fix this?

PIERCE

It's a surprise, dumbass.

Pierce knocks on the door. There's no answer.

TROY

She's not here.

Annie presses her ear against the door.

ANNIE

I hear something.

Abed presses his ear against the door.

ABED

Cougar Town.

Pierce knocks again. And again. And again.

TROY

She doesn't want to see us.

ANNIE

Troy! She's our friend!

TROY

Death freaks me out!

Pierce knocks. The door opens. Ivy Reeds appears with pale skin and puffy eyes. She is still in her pajamas.

IVY

Jesus Christ, what?

The group is silent for a moment. Pierce is smiling widely.

ANNIE

We just wanted to see how you were. Since you missed the final.

TROY

Shirley had the baby. In the final.

BRITTA

I delivered it!

JEFF

Him, Britta. The baby is a person not a thing.

BRITTA

I know that. Doi.

Ivy looks directly at Abed. He doesn't say anything.

IVY

Did you talk to my brother?

BRITTA

What? Him? No!

ANNIE

No!

JEFF

Yes.

ANNIE

A little bit.

Abed steps forward and wraps his arms around Ivy. She stiffens at first and then relaxes.

ABED

This is what they do in movies.

Annie joins him. They all step forward except Pierce. It is a giant group hug...without Pierce. When they finally step back, Ivy's eyes are wet.

IVY

(to Abed)

I've been watching Cougar Town without you.

ABED

It's okay. I've seen them all.

PIERCE

Let's go inside.

Pierce pushes his way inside and the others follow. Ivy sits on the couch and brings her knees to her chest. Abed and Annie sit on either side of her.

PIERCE (CONT'D)

I can make everything better.

JEFF

I doubt that.

Pierce pulls out an envelope and hands it to Ivy. She opens it and reads.

BRITTA

Pierce! You can't just buy someone's happiness.

IVY

What the hell is this?

PIERCE

It's a paternity test.

For a moment, the group is stunned. Abed looks guilty.

IVY

So?

PIERCE

About twenty-three years ago, I slept with a flight attendant. We saw each other for awhile -

JEFF

Pierce. No.

ANNIE

Oh my God. Pierce!

BRITTA

What is even going on.

Ivy clings to Abed's arm.

PIERCE

I really really liked your mother and when I met you I just thought - Well, the test speaks for itself.

IVY

H-how?

PIERCE

I got some of your hair from Abed.

Ivy lets go of Abed's arm. Fast.

IVY

You did what?

ABED

It was in my couch.

JEFF

Pierce, we agreed to drop this.

TROY

We all need to take a moment here. Is this really the best time? Let's watch Cougar Town.

IVY

You all knew about this?

ANNIE

Not about the test! Just...the theory.

TROY

No one believed Pierce. He lies.

PIERCE

Not this time. Check the paperwork.

BRITTA

Wait, you all knew? No one told me!

JEFF

Yeah, because you can't keep a secret.

IVY

Maybe it shouldn't have been a secret, Jeff.

The group freezes. Ivy gets up from the couch and walks as far away from the group as possible.

JEFF

Listen, Ivy -

IVY

No! You listen. My father is dead. You can't just bring me some old racist white guy and say he's my father.

PIERCE

Watch your tone, young lady!

Ivy is hysterical. She begins to cry. Britta runs and puts her arm around her.

IVY

(to Pierce)

You. Are. Not. My. Father.

IVY (CONT'D)

(to Troy and Annie)

And you aren't my friends.

IVY (CONT'D)

(to Jeff)

You aren't as attractive as you think.

IVY (CONT'D)

(to Abed)

And you aren't my boyfriend anymore.

The group is stunned. Finally, Abed gets up and walks out of the room. Troy gets up and follows him. Annie squeaks and follows him.

JEFF

You can't take this out of Abed.

IVY

He can't give my hair to anyone who asks.

JEFF

He said Pierce got it from his couch.

IVY

He didn't tell me. None of you told me. He knew and he let this happen.

JEFF

Ivy. I'm sorry. We all are.

IVY

It's too late for that.

JEFF

Just think about Abed, okay? He's not like everyone else. He wouldn't hurt you on purpose.

Jeff exits. Pierce turns to Ivy.

PIERCE

Just...I wanted you to know that you could still have a father. If you want one. I know that other guy was kind of a deadbeat.

IVY

He doesn't matter. Sometimes he wasn't there but sometimes he was. He's my dad, okay? Just...get out.

Pierce exits. He shuts the door behind him. Britta remains.

BRITTA

I really didn't know anything. I would have told you.

IVY

I know. I believe you.

Ivy starts to cry. Britta comforts her.

INT. GREENDALE STUDY ROOM - IMMEDIATELY AFTER

Annie Edison, Troy Barnes, and Jeff Winger sit at the table in the study room.

JEFF

I can't believe Pierce did that.

TROY

Abed locked himself in his dorm room.

ANNIE

Poor Abed. Poor Ivy. What do we do?

JEFF

We can't do anything. Abed meant well, but come on. What's Ivy supposed to do? Her dad dies and Pierce comes knocking at her doorstep with a paternity test?

ANNIE

I feel really bad.

TROY

Me too. Ivy was my friend too.

ANNIE

Yeah. We got really close in face painting class.

JEFF

We should give her space. If she wants us back, she'll let us know.

ANNIE

If?

JEFF

Would you want us back?

The group is silent. Britta enters holding Cougar Town DVDs.

BRITTA

These have to go back to Abed.

ANNIE

He lent her DVDs? He won't lead DVDs to anyone.

TROY

He really liked her.

BRITTA

And why did no one tell me?

JEFF

Because you can't keep a secret.

BRITTA

Maybe that would have been a good thing.

JEFF

We were trying to spare her feelings. Also, we thought Pierce was lying.

TROY

Yeah, Pierce thinks he slept with everyone.

ANNIE

We're sorry, Britta. We thought Pierce would just forget.

Britta takes her seat.

BRITTA

Well, Ivy's crushed. She lost her dad and boyfriend and all she got was Pierce...How's Abed?

TROY

Not great.

BRITTA

So, I guess now isn't a good time to return the DVDs.

TROY

I'll hold onto them. He's going to need them.