APPLIED ANTHROPOLOGY AND CULINARY ARTS - EDITED
INT. ANTHROPOLOGY CLASSROOM
The Anthropology final is completed ...sort of. Instead of a final, Shirley Bennett has given birth in the classroom and the Dean has completed an interview for Dean magazine.
Annie Edison, Britta Perry, Abed Nadir, Troy Barnes, and Pierce Hawthorne remain. Shirley has left with her newborn son and husband.
ANNIE
Guys...Ivy skipped the final.
JEFF
I mean, this is the ultimate blow off class. I'm sure Duncan didn't notice.
ANNIE
I texted her and she didn't answer. Abed, did she answer you?
ABED
No, but she was up late last night working on a costume. I'm sure he overslept.
Abed looks nervous, as though he doesn't quite believe what he is saying.
PIERCE
I'm sure she passed. In fact, she's passed more than one test if you know what I mean.
ABED
You got the results?
TROY
What results?
At that moment, Stanley Powers comes running into the room. Britta Perry and Annie Edison both step forward.
BRITTA
Hey Stanley!
ANNIE
You'll never believe what happened in our Anthropology final -
STANLEY
Where's Ivy? She's not here?
BRITTA
No. She missed the final.
Stanley grabs Abed by the shoulders.
STANLEY
You talked to her today, right?
ABED
No.
STANLEY
So she didn't tell you?
JEFF
Tell us what?
STANLEY
She won't answer my calls. My mom called her with the news this morning, but Ivy said she had a final and couldn't come over today.
ABED
What news?
STANLEY
There was a car accident. Her father died.
PIERCE
No, he didn't!
STANLEY
Yeah, he did. My mom said she took it badly.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE IVY'S DORM
Abed, Troy, Jeff, Annie, Pierce, and Britta stand outside of the door to Ivy's dorm room. No one makes a move to knock.
JEFF
So...what's our game plan?
BRITTA
We want to make her feel better, you jerk.
JEFF
Great plan, Britta. How are you going to do that?
BRITTA
I just pulled a baby out of Shirley. I can make someone feel better.
ANNIE
Jeff's right. We need a plan.
TROY
Um, should we really all be going? There's like six of us.
ANNIE
Maybe it should just be Abed.
The group looks to Abed. He doesn't say anything.
PIERCE
I think I can fix this.
JEFF
How are you going to fix this?
PIERCE
It's a surprise, dumbass.
Pierce knocks on the door. There's no answer.
TROY
She's not here.
Annie presses her ear against the door.
ANNIE
I hear something.
Abed presses his ear against the door.
ABED
Cougar Town.
Pierce knocks again. And again. And again.
TROY
She doesn't want to see us.
ANNIE
Troy! She's our friend!
TROY
Death freaks me out!
Pierce knocks. The door opens. Ivy Reeds appears with pale skin and puffy eyes. She is still in her pajamas.
IVY
Jesus Christ, what?
The group is silent for a moment. Pierce is smiling widely.
ANNIE
We just wanted to see how you were. Since you missed the final.
TROY
Shirley had the baby. In the final.
BRITTA
I delivered it!
JEFF
Him, Britta. The baby is a person not a thing.
BRITTA
I know that. Doi.
Ivy looks directly at Abed. He doesn't say anything.
IVY
Did you talk to my brother?
BRITTA
What? Him? No!
ANNIE
No!
JEFF
Yes.
ANNIE
A little bit.
Abed steps forward and wraps his arms around Ivy. She stiffens at first and then relaxes.
ABED
This is what they do in movies.
Annie joins him. They all step forward except Pierce. It is a giant group hug...without Pierce. When they finally step back, Ivy's eyes are wet.
IVY
(to Abed)
I've been watching Cougar Town without you.
ABED
It's okay. I've seen them all.
PIERCE
Let's go inside.
Pierce pushes his way inside and the others follow. Ivy sits on the couch and brings her knees to her chest. Abed and Annie sit on either side of her.
PIERCE (CONT'D)
I can make everything better.
JEFF
I doubt that.
Pierce pulls out an envelope and hands it to Ivy. She opens it and reads.
BRITTA
Pierce! You can't just buy someone's happiness.
IVY
What the hell is this?
PIERCE
It's a paternity test.
For a moment, the group is stunned. Abed looks guilty.
IVY
So?
PIERCE
About twenty-three years ago, I slept with a flight attendant. We saw each other for awhile -
JEFF
Pierce. No.
ANNIE
Oh my God. Pierce!
BRITTA
What is even going on.
Ivy clings to Abed's arm.
PIERCE
I really really liked your mother and when I met you I just thought - Well, the test speaks for itself.
IVY
H-how?
PIERCE
I got some of your hair from Abed.
Ivy lets go of Abed's arm. Fast.
IVY
You did what?
ABED
It was in my couch.
JEFF
Pierce, we agreed to drop this.
TROY
We all need to take a moment here. Is this really the best time? Let's watch Cougar Town.
IVY
You all knew about this?
ANNIE
Not about the test! Just...the theory.
TROY
No one believed Pierce. He lies.
PIERCE
Not this time. Check the paperwork.
BRITTA
Wait, you all knew? No one told me!
JEFF
Yeah, because you can't keep a secret.
IVY
Maybe it shouldn't have been a secret, Jeff.
The group freezes. Ivy gets up from the couch and walks as far away from the group as possible.
JEFF
Listen, Ivy -
IVY
No! You listen. My father is dead. You can't just bring me some old racist white guy and say he's my father.
PIERCE
Watch your tone, young lady!
Ivy is hysterical. She begins to cry. Britta runs and puts her arm around her.
IVY
(to Pierce)
You. Are. Not. My. Father.
IVY (CONT'D)
(to Troy and Annie)
And you aren't my friends.
IVY (CONT'D)
(to Jeff)
You aren't as attractive as you think.
IVY (CONT'D)
(to Abed)
And you aren't my boyfriend anymore.
The group is stunned. Finally, Abed gets up and walks out of the room. Troy gets up and follows him. Annie squeaks and follows him.
JEFF
You can't take this out of Abed.
IVY
He can't give my hair to anyone who asks.
JEFF
He said Pierce got it from his couch.
IVY
He didn't tell me. None of you told me. He knew and he let this happen.
JEFF
Ivy. I'm sorry. We all are.
IVY
It's too late for that.
JEFF
Just think about Abed, okay? He's not like everyone else. He wouldn't hurt you on purpose.
Jeff exits. Pierce turns to Ivy.
PIERCE
Just...I wanted you to know that you could still have a father. If you want one. I know that other guy was kind of a deadbeat.
IVY
He doesn't matter. Sometimes he wasn't there but sometimes he was. He's my dad, okay? Just...get out.
Pierce exits. He shuts the door behind him. Britta remains.
BRITTA
I really didn't know anything. I would have told you.
IVY
I know. I believe you.
Ivy starts to cry. Britta comforts her.
INT. GREENDALE STUDY ROOM - IMMEDIATELY AFTER
Annie Edison, Troy Barnes, and Jeff Winger sit at the table in the study room.
JEFF
I can't believe Pierce did that.
TROY
Abed locked himself in his dorm room.
ANNIE
Poor Abed. Poor Ivy. What do we do?
JEFF
We can't do anything. Abed meant well, but come on. What's Ivy supposed to do? Her dad dies and Pierce comes knocking at her doorstep with a paternity test?
ANNIE
I feel really bad.
TROY
Me too. Ivy was my friend too.
ANNIE
Yeah. We got really close in face painting class.
JEFF
We should give her space. If she wants us back, she'll let us know.
ANNIE
If?
JEFF
Would you want us back?
The group is silent. Britta enters holding Cougar Town DVDs.
BRITTA
These have to go back to Abed.
ANNIE
He lent her DVDs? He won't lead DVDs to anyone.
TROY
He really liked her.
BRITTA
And why did no one tell me?
JEFF
Because you can't keep a secret.
BRITTA
Maybe that would have been a good thing.
JEFF
We were trying to spare her feelings. Also, we thought Pierce was lying.
TROY
Yeah, Pierce thinks he slept with everyone.
ANNIE
We're sorry, Britta. We thought Pierce would just forget.
Britta takes her seat.
BRITTA
Well, Ivy's crushed. She lost her dad and boyfriend and all she got was Pierce...How's Abed?
TROY
Not great.
BRITTA
So, I guess now isn't a good time to return the DVDs.
TROY
I'll hold onto them. He's going to need them.
