Author's note: This is what I would've wanted a Robot Chicken sketch to be. I will try to go where Seth and his team haven't. This series was created by Seth Green
Chapter 8: Judge Judy: Griffins vs Smiths
You are about to enter the courtroom of Judge Judith Shiendlin. The people are real. The cases are real. The rulings are final. This is Judge Judy.
Tonight we have a very special case. It's actually between two sitcom families who are funny, but lack originality. What will be the outcome of this case? Let's have a look!
Byrd: All parties in the matter of Griffin vs Smith! Step forward please!
Peter Griffin and his wife Lois are suing fellow party attendants Stan Smith and his wife Francine for medical bills and a false arrest. The Griffins say: Stan threw an empty bottle at Peter in a drunken rage. The Smiths are countersuing for medical bills, vandalism and harassment.
The judge arrives at her seat and the case is about to begin. Judy has a little chat with Officer Byrd.
Byrd: This case is number 555 on the calendar in the matter: Griffin vs Smith.
Judy: Thank you
Byrd: You're welcome. (Eyes the audience) Parties have been sworn in. You may be seated. Folks, have a seat.
The audience takes their seat. The plaintiffs are Peter Griffin and his wife Lois. Sitting by their side is their children Meg, Chris and Stewie, as well as their talking dog Brian. The defendants are Stan Smith and his wife Francine. Sitting by their side is their children Hayley and Steve, as well as the alien called Roger (in a disguise off course). Most of their other witnesses are currently sitting backstage.
Judy: Mr. Griffin this gentleman over there is a fellow party attendant. Now let me get this straight. You and your family were invited to a party which was hosted by an old friend of yours, correct?
Peter: Eh yes ma'am!
Judy: Mr. Smith and his family were also invited to this party. (Eyes Stan) Is that correct, sir?
Stan: Yes, your honor!
Judy: You two didn't know each other from before. You first met each other on this party, right?
Peter and Stan: Correct!
Judy: Okay. Now Mr. Griffin, this lawsuit of yours alleges that during midnight at the party, Mr. Smith assaulted you while you were trying to break up a fight between your wife and this lady over there (points at Francine). But you had been drinking, so it's safe to say that both of you were drunk during that time.
Peter: Ummmmm…I didn't necessarily drink that much. I just drank a few mugs of Pawtucket Patriot beer.
Judy: Yes and by doing so, you were drunk! That goes for you as well Mr. Smith, because I've read your answer. You didn't drink beer, but you were also drunk.
Stan: Yes, but I didn't drink any alcohol, your honor. I just took a few bottles of Portuguese wine. It's not as bad as Pawtucket Patriot….
Judy: But you were also drunk! Listen carefully, Mr. Smith! We both know that wine is also alcohol. It doesn't really matter if it's Portuguese, French, Italian, Argentine or even Thai wine. Drinking much of it can make you intoxicated!
Stan: Yes, but…
Judy: That's enough, Mr. Smith! You may not have realized this, but I'm much smarter than any dumb and clueless workers at CIA. I expected at least someone like you to realize it before you came to this courtroom.
The whole audience laughs while Stan slowly bows his head in shame. Francine tries to comfort him. Meanwhile, Peter is briefly laughing, but he is stopped by Lois.
Lois: Peter, not now!
Judy: Anyway Mr. Griffin, this alleged assault left you with serious injuries, including your left eye and arm and you wanna be compensated for that. Also you claim that you were falsely arrested for vandalism and you are suing for the days spent in prison, which I will get to as the case progresses.
Peter: Yeah! And just one more thing, your honor: the prison I was sent to reeked of puke and poop! And it took me freaking 6 months to bail me out of that place! I demand some extra dollars for that experience!
The audience laughs at him while the judge grimaces disappointingly.
Judy: I could care less about your days in prison, Mr. Griffin! The only thing that's important is if your arrest was legitimate or not!
Lois: Your honor! Please excuse us for this, this is Peter's second time suing someone so…
Judy: Well that is indeed remarkable, Mrs. Griffin. But let's see here what the defendants are saying in their answer. Mr. Smith says that it was you Mr. Griffin who started this altercation after you made an insult to his wife.
Peter: Yeah, because she was constantly harassing my wife, that is!
Judy: As we go further, they also say that you allegedly vandalized their vehicle by….oh God this is just too embarrassing to tell this on television….but you damaged the car with a baseball bat while the Smiths were inside. And then….you began peeing and pooping at the car's frontal window. Is that what you are saying, Mr. Smith?
Stan: Yes ma'am!
Judy: But if you were drunk….who was driving the vehicle?
Francine: I was your honor!
Judy: Okay! So the Smiths are suing for damages to their car and they want you to fix it! Also the Smiths are countersuing for harassment which I will get to later, but right now, let's start from the beginning! And we'll start with the Griffins. Now, what was this party you and your family were invited to, Mr. Griffin?
Peter: Ummmmm…
Judy: Um is not an answer! You do remember the host's name, right?
Peter: Oh, his name was Cleveland Brown. He used to live with us back in Quahog and…
Judy: Don't lose your track! What was this party about, Mrs. Griffin?
Lois: We were actually invited to Cleveland's birthday party. He had invited lots of families he knew over at his house. We were invited because he used to live at our neighborhood. So we were going to visit him and his family.
Judy: Okay. Now where does this Cleveland Brown live?
Lois: He lives in Stoolbend, Virginia.
Judy: I see. Now Mr. Griffin, you mentioned something about Quahog. Is that where you and your family live?
Peter: Yes ma'am!
Judy: And which state is Quahog located in?
Pete: Weeeelll…..I think its Maryland.
Judy: What do you mean by you think? You are living there! How can I trust with what you're telling me if you can't even remember where you usually sleep, eat or watching television?
The whole audience laughs again. Lois rises up her arm.
Judy: (Sighs irritated) In which state is Quahog, Mrs. Griffin?
Lois: It's in Rhode Island, ma'am
Judy: Well, at least your wife is more reliable than you, Mr. Griffin. New let's move on! How did you travel to Stoolbend, Virginia?
Peter: We drove by car.
Judy: What was the date of this birthday party?
Peter: It was august the 13th 2014. But we arrived at Stoolbend days earlier, so we slept at their house.
Judy: Okay. Now let's get to the party! When did it start?
Peter: It started around 7 o clock.
Judy: And this incident happened around midnight?
Peter: Yes ma'am.
Judy: Okay and you had been drinking. So I'm gonna ask both you and you wife to tell me about how this happened. (notices Brian sitting) Who's the dog?
Peter: Oh that's our dog.
Judy: And what's his name?
Before Peter can answer, Brian speaks up with his normal voice, making Judy amazed.
Brian: I'm Brian Griffin and I live with them.
Judy: Were you witnessing this altercation between those two immature grown-ups?
Brian: Yes ma'am!
Judy: (to Byrd) I like him already! Stand up, please!
Brian walks over to the couple and finds a stool where he can stand tall enough for Judy to notice him.
Judy: Okay…Brian. About midnight, were Mr. Griffin drinking?
Brian: Yes ma'am!
Judy: And what was his wife doing?
Brian: She was having a conversation with that blonde chick over there.
Judy: Is that true, Mrs. Smith?
Francine: So far, yes.
Judy: Okay. Now Mrs. Griffin, how was your conversation with this lady over there?
Lois: Oh we were just talking friendly to each other! It had been many years since we had seen each other and…
Judy: So your husband and Mr. Smith didn't know each other from before, but you and she did?
Lois: Yes….actually.
Judy: How do you two know each other, Mrs. Smith?
Francine: Uh…I hate to be rude your honor….but it's a little bit embarrassing to say this in court.
Judy: What do you mean by that? Were you both working in a drug cartel or something?
The audience laughs at this.
Lois and Francine: No!
Judy: Then just tell me: how did you two know each other?
Realizing it's pointless to resist, both mothers take deep breathes. Lois answers first.
Lois: We used to work together in a porno studio, when we were younger. But once the studio went into bankruptcy, we went separate ways.
The whole audience whistles in surprise at her answers. Some even find this fact interesting. Both Lois and Francine blushes in embarrassment at this. Stan and Peter meanwhile watch their respective wives with absolutely surprised faces. The same goes for their witnesses. Judy sighs annoyed.
Judy: Oh my God! Not only do I have to deal with two idiots, but two MILFs as well! This better be good. Anyway, what was the conversation about Mrs. Former MILF?
Lois: Oh the usual stuff! Motherhood, marriage and all other things related to our personal lives. But once we spoke about our husbands, things started to get ugly.
Judy: And what do you mean by that?
Lois: Well, once she got a glimpse of Peter, she started to trash-talk him.
Francine shakes her head in disbelief. She is not amused by Lois's explanation.
Judy: And what was your husband doing while you were watching him? Was he drinking?
Lois: Yes ma'am!
Judy: So he was drunk. Because that's what you say in your complaint. When you spoke about your husbands, they were both drinking. Don't you agree, Brian?
Brian: Yes, your honor! I don't deny it.
Judy: Very clever! Now what kind of words did Mrs. Smith say about your husband, Mrs. Griffin?
Lois: She said something like: "Whoa!" and "Who's the fatass with the glasses?". I then hit back at Francine, telling her not to judge people by their weight and appearance. And we kept bickering with each other until Peter came over to us.
Judge: So you two ladies were arguing and it went on until Mr. Griffin approached you. Now Mr. Griffin, what did you say to this lady over there?
Peter: I said…"what's your problem, lady?" "Leave my wife alone!"
Francine continues shaking her head. Stan glares at Peter with irritation.
Judy: And then what happened?
Peter: Francine flipped me off and said very mean words to me. I was about to tell her to stop until someone banged my head from behind.
Judy: You didn't see who it was, right?
Peter: Well….yeah, but once I fell on the ground, I immediately turned around to see who it was. And Stan stood there with an empty bottle in his left hand.
Judy: (to Brian) Was Mr. Smith the one who banged this idiot's head, sir?
Brian: Yes ma'am!
Stan shakes his head and raises his hand in order to be given the word, but Judy turns him down.
Judy: Don't worry Mr. Smith! I will get to your version as soon as possible. So just zip it for now.
Stan grumbles while glaring at their adversaries.
Judy: What did the defendant do to you, while you were lying on the ground, Mr. Griffin?
Peter: The only thing I remember is that he suddenly stomped on my arm. I tried to get him off while struggling with the pain. I pushed Stan to the ground, tried to get up on my feet, but suddenly, a bottle hits me left eye.
Judy: Was Mr. Smith lying on the ground when it happened?
Peter: Yeah! That son of a bitch threw the bottle at my face then!
Judy: Just a minute! When you're in court, profane language is not accepted when describing your story.
Peter: But Lois said such words before I did.
Judy: But the difference there is that….she doesn't say these bad words once speaking to me formally! YOU however, think this is a playground! So watch your language here, mister!
Peter Yes…ma'am.
Judy: Now that I know your version of this story, I want to hear the Smith's version of this story. And we'll start with you, Mrs. Smith. Were your family also invited to this party?
Francine: Yes, your honor!
Judge: And how did you know the Browns?
Francine: Actually my husband had been working with Cleveland from before and…
Judy: Now Mr. Smith, how did you and this Cleveland know each other?
Stan: I once caught him and that fat son of his for speed racing. Originally I intended to report this to the higher authorities but I had a change of heart once Cleveland agreed to do housework in our family home for 12 months. So after this, we kept in touch with each other.
Judy: Okay….what kind of relationship is that? (to Byrd) What do you think of this, Byrd?
Byrd: Sounds kind of messed up.
The whole audience laughs at this, but only for a brief moment.
Judy: Where do you and your family live, Mr. Smith?
Stan: Langley Falls, Virginia.
Judy: Now let's get to the midnight! All I know is that your wife was having a conversation with Mrs. Griffin. (Eyes Francine) So tell me your version of this story, madam!
Francine: Well it's true that we spoke about motherhood and stuff, but we didn't speak about our husbands.
Judy: Then what subject was you discussing that started this little altercation?
Francine: Lois started to call me a slut and claimed that I would have cheated with Stan for some other random guy. But I fought back, claiming she was a way more slut than me.
Judy: So are you telling me that you weren't arguing about your husbands? It was all about….sexual desires?
Francine: Technically yes.
Judy: That's ridiculous! Two grown-up women with pornographic roots start an altercation which eventually ends up being more troublesome! How stupid can you be!? You are mothers and housewives, not teenagers and brats!
Lois: Can I say somethi…
Judy: I'm speaking! And it's best for you to put your listening ears on, madam!
Lois: Right…sorry
Judy: Now just tell me what happened afterwards! I feel like this case's gonna be much easier than I first thought. So Mr. Griffin approached you and he was drunk! Now what did he do?
Francine: He was furious and grabbed my left arm. Then he swung at me so that I fell on the floor. He began cursing at me while getting angrier.
Peter begins crossing his arms while Lois shakes her head. Judy notices this and asks Peter to stop doing that.
Judy: Uncross your arms, Mr. Griffin.
Peter: Why? Got a problem with that?
Brian: (whispers) Peter, you don't stand like this in a court! Just uncross your arms!
Peter uncrosses his arms and Judy continues focusing her attention on Francine.
Judy: And that's when your husband intervened in this fight?
Francine: Yes ma'am! He pushed him to the ground, but then Peter got up and began assaulted back.
Judy: Okay and your husband were also drunk?
Francine: Ehhh…maybe…
Judy: Don't say maybe! I just asked you a question and the answer is either yes or no! So listen carefully, because I've read your answer! Your husband, who had been drinking Portuguese wine, was also drunk, don't you agree?
Francine: Yes ma'am.
Judy: Good! Now let's move over to your injuries, Mr. Smith. Did you throw an empty bottle at Mr. Griffin?
Stan: Yes, but it was in self-defense and….
Judy: I don't care about self-defense! You can't throw an empty bottle at people, because it will cause serious injuries! Now tell me, Mrs. Smith: did Mr. Griffin ever throw something back at your husband?
Francine: Yes! He grabbed a nearby glass and threw it at Stan's face. That's how he got serious injuries around his mouth.
Lois shakes her head in order to deny the allegation.
Judy: Then that settles it! The conflict started when you two ex-porn stars were having a ridiculous bicker and it got worse once your two idiot husbands intervened! And it's a good reason why they got serious injuries!
Lois and Francine: What?
Judy: They were both drunk! And when you're drunk, you cannot control your own actions! That's why I'm dismissing both cases involving that episode! Do you understand!?
Stan and Peter: Yes ma'am.
Judy: Good, and as we move further, I'm beginning to understand why these different cases of yours seem irrelevant to me. Have any of you a police report?
Stan: We have ma'am!
Judy: I'd like to see it please.
Byrd hands the Smiths' police report to the judge's desk. She begins reading it in order to clarify her opinion to both parties.
Judy: Tell me something, Mr. Smith. Were you also arrested by police during midnight?
Stan: Ehhhh…..
Judy: The reason I'm asking you this is because the one who called police during midnight was not you as you say in your answer! It was Cleveland Brown who did that! That means only one thing!
Peter and Stan: What?
Judy: You were both arrested because you were wreaking havoc in his household! There was no act of vandalism! The apprehending of you two morons occurred in the same place your porno wives had started their bickering! (Notices Roger raising his hand) What!?
Roger: Excuse me, your honor but I have proof that Stan Smith's car was vandalized….
Judy: Then show me a picture! And who are you anyway?
Roger: Oh I'm just an old family friend of the Smiths. I also have proof…
Judy: Stand up!
Roger stands beside Stan and Francine. He then gives Byrd a picture for Judy to look at. She is not convinced or amused.
Judy: Do you honestly take me for an idiot? Everyone can see that this fake!
Roger: Shut up! My talents at Photoshop are undiminished you…..
Judy: Then that settles it! Your case is dismissed Griffins and that goes also for you Smiths with regard to your counterclaim! Good bye, idiots and MILFs!
The case ends and the audience give Judy a well-deserved applause for her action. The Griffins and Smiths meanwhile feel both embarrassed and humiliated. Now they realize that they can't surpass the Simpsons.
To be continued….
Author's note: Well, this was the longest chapter yet! I admire Judge Judy and I love how she immediately takes on idiots who appear in the shows. Hope you enjoyed it!
