It had to have been the longest few days of Roman's existence. He was terrified for Seth. Lexie had come right out and said it. He was sure his heart stopped beating for at least 30 seconds. There were no more maybes about it; she was here to keep Seth alive. He worried every minute of every day that he was going to return to work and someone was going to tell him the love of his life was dead. He'd picked up his phone a thousand times and dialed his number, but didn't have the courage to press send.
They didn't discuss it, but with the recent shit storm both he and Dean were unwilling to leave the other alone. They spent the entire time in Vegas drinking themselves into a stupor and avoiding talking about anything. His confession was on the tip of his tongue every five minutes, but he couldn't do it. Not with Dean in that state. He deserved the truth, but Roman was afraid the truth might kill him.
After all the shitty things that happened, his little love bug was protecting him on top of everything else. He had stopped Lexie from divulging their secret, and though he didn't know Seth's exact reasoning for never telling anyone, he was positive it was to protect him in some way. He was also positive Lexie's actions in the bar weren't an act at all. Whether Roman trusted her or not, Seth's reaction to it told him she had actually lost control. It was more terrifying than anything he'd yet to see; still Seth had stopped her. It was another thing Roman didn't deserve.
It was all piling up and he was neck deep in shit. He paced up and down the hallway tugging on his hair in a deserted part of the hotel where the conference rooms were trying to straighten it all out. Dean had crashed as soon as they arrived at the hotel, but Roman still couldn't sleep. He was beyond tired, but he needed to talk to Seth. He just didn't know how, or what to say.
He still didn't have the full picture, but he had to try and fix it. They were running out of time. How he was going to do that he had no fucking idea. It was going to probably be his end, but he couldn't worry about that. He needed to worry about the two people who meant the most to him and what was best for them.
"This is stupid," a familiar irritated voice made his heart skip a beat. "I'm covered in lip stick! You have like none."
"That's because you're hesitating," Lexie's voice responded. "You have great reflexes, use them. You need to learn to feel for it, use what you have. Aim for arteries, I made you memorize where they were for a reason."
"It's not fair, you can kill someone with a fucking teacup," Seth whined irritably.
"Killing someone with a tea cup isn't that hard," she laughed. "Smash it and stick a chard in their jugular."
"See what I mean? Who the hell thinks like that?" Seth scoffed, and Roman felt a chill run up his spine. "I'm not like you. I would never think to do that."
"Well, you better start," Her tone was suddenly very serious.
"It's too hard, I'll never beat you," Seth huffed. "Maybe I can beat someone else, you're too good."
"You need to be able to beat me, Bambie," she replied sternly. "What if it's someone like me? You gonna tell them it's not fair, or it's too hard? Anyone worth their salt would have your throat in 30 seconds. You promised me you would actually try."
Roman's stomach rolled. They were talking so casually about someone slitting Seth's throat it made him nauseous and his eyes sting.
"I am trying," Seth insisted irritably. "I'm not a psycho assassin…"
Seth stopped mid-sentence when he caught sight of Roman standing there dumbstruck as they rounded the corner. Roman might've laughed at how ridiculous Seth looked, that is, if he didn't think he would puke if he so much as opened his mouth. Lexie had a few spots here and there, but Seth was covered in bright red lipstick. He had it all over his skin and clothes; everywhere. Some of his blonde hair even had red in it. He looked ridiculous, but at the same time it was fucking terrifying, the red reminded him it could be blood. If Roman was right she was trying to teach him how to fight with a knife, and Seth would be dead 20 times over; at least.
They looked at each other for a moment, and Roman's heart was racing a mile a minute. He needed to speak, but he couldn't, he didn't know what to say. Seth turned to Lexie who gave him a small smile and an encouraging nod without him saying a word. The big green monster reared its ugly head. It bothered him that they could communicate without words when he had no idea what Seth was thinking anymore, even when he actually spoke.
"Rome," Seth said nervously after a moment. "Can we talk?"
Roman nodded once. He saw Seth breathe a sigh of relief, and look at Lexie who gestured towards the way they came. "Fifteen minutes," She gave him another reassuring smile, and squeezed his arm, before Seth gestured for Roman to follow him. Roman complied with his heart in his throat. This could be the beginning or end of everything, and he could barely breathe.
They stood there awkwardly. There was so much to say, but they had no idea how to say it. That fact alone made Roman's chest ache. It used to be so effortless, as easy as breathing, and now they were at a point where they were asking permission to talk to each other. That was all on him.
"Seth," he decided to be the one to bite the bullet. "I'm so fucking sorry. I fucked up…"
"Rome, it doesn't matter," Seth cut him off gently taking a few steps forward pressing his index finger to Roman's lips to quiet him. Roman swallowed hard. "None of that matters anymore, not to me. Whatever happened, I forgive you…" Roman's heart fluttered at his words, and he wanted to say something; anything, but Seth continued. "I didn't ask to talk to you so you could apologize; I wanted to apologize to you."
That was the last thing Roman expected. Why would Seth be apologizing to him? "For what?"
He saw the other man shiver as his lips moved against his finger, and he tried to shrug it off. It was stupid but Roman fought not to smile, this wasn't the time for that. "I made a rash decision I've regretted every day since…"
"You had every right…"
"No Rome, let me finish," he could see their closeness was affecting Seth as much as it was him, but neither moved away. Seth was still the most gorgeous thing he'd ever seen even with his bruises and red lip stick streaked across his face. He felt Seth's warm breath dance across his lips as he let out a deep breath trying to regain control.
"This is so fucking hard for me," Seth frowned. "I wasn't going to tell you, I wanted to, but I didn't want to put you or Dean in harm's way. I still love you both so fucking much. That's why I told you not to trust Lexie…"
Seth's eyes were watering and Roman could see just how difficult this was for him, but also knew he needed to keep going and get this all off his chest.
"She's not bad, but she's not good… it's complicated, but I owe her a lot. I really care about her, you know?"
Roman felt his heart sink. His sudden pain must've shown on the outside, because suddenly Seth's hands were on his waist and even through his shirt he felt the spark that always accompanied Seth's touch.
"It's not like that baby," he assured him and Roman felt relieved seeing he really meant it as his heart fluttered again at hearing Seth call him baby. "She's my Dean," he explained and Roman nodded his understanding. "She thinks we need your help, and I didn't want you helping…"
"I want to help," Roman cut in quickly feeling the need to make that known.
"Let me finish!" Roman couldn't help his smile at the familiar bratty tone, and he even saw the corners of Seth's mouth turn up before they dropped again as he continued softly. "I didn't want you involved it's too dangerous, but she helped me see that wasn't my decision. It was selfish even though it was to protect you guys… that wasn't my call, and I'm sorry I tried to make it that way."
He felt like ice water had been dumped over his head. That was the same excuse he used for not telling Dean.
"A lot has happened, a lot of bad stuff, but none of that matters anymore, at least to me. You and Dean are so important to me, you're everything to me." Roman felt his heart swell. "I know she'll do anything including giving her own life to make sure I'm safe, but there's that slim chance and I have to make it right… if you'll forgive me. I was awful…" Seth's eyes were down cast and he let out a quiet sniffle.
Roman couldn't stop himself. He reached out and grabbed Seth pulling his body flush against his own causing that oh so familiar heat to spread like wild fire. This wasn't the time for that he scolded himself.
Seth wanted his forgiveness it was unfathomable, and he even looked like he was afraid he wasn't going to get it. Roman wanted to leave no doubt in Seth's mind he had that, and so much more.
He used his fingertips to tilt Seth's head up slightly so as to make sure he wasn't about to make things harder on Seth. There was a familiar fire in Seth's eyes he took as permission. Carefully he lowered his head giving Seth time to push him away before he pressed his lips to his. It was everything he remembered and so much more.
The spark he'd always felt when they touched even in the most platonic of ways turned into a grand finale's worth of fireworks. He heard Seth's breath hitch which made him start to pull back a little just in case. Immediately Seth's hands left his waist and were quickly tangled in his hair pulling him back down. Seth's lips were soft and just as perfect as ever as they moved in tandem in his own.
It was so familiar, yet so different. Seth kissed him with such urgency it was almost desperate; it matched his own. Seth's tongue darted out caressing his bottom lip asking permission for entrance, which he granted without a second thought. Their tongues danced as they pulled each other as close as possible. It was like they were trying to make two, one.
Time and space ceased to exist, but this time his cocoon was made of bliss. He could feel Seth's hardness pressed against his own through his jeans and he wanted so badly to rip away the fabric that separated them. He fought the urge, though he did let his hands roam. The sexy little whimpers that escaped from Seth were making his resolve crumble, and then it shattered when Seth took control and slammed him up against the wall.
He reached down grabbing the hem of Seth's shirt and pulled it shirt over his head before doing the same to his own. Seth's hands were everywhere, and it felt so fucking good, as his heart raced faster, and faster. Another moan escaped as he retook control and spun them around pinning Seth this time. His voice was husky and breathless. "I love you so much Seth. I love you so fucking much."
Seth didn't respond with words he just bit down on Roman's lower lip with the perfect amount of pressure, just how he liked it. He didn't need to hear his words because he could feel it, and it was intoxicating. Seth shoved him back a little, just enough to jump up and wrap his legs tightly around his waist, and he promptly shoved his back up against the wall causing Seth to moan into his mouth as he reclaimed his lips. It was all going straight to his cock which was already straining against the denim begging to be released.
They were so caught up in each other and what they were doing they barely heard the door slam open, but it was enough to make them freeze. "Oh shit," Lexie laughed and Roman swore she was blushing just as much as he was, while poor Seth looked like a deer in head lights. "The third bang had me worried, my bad. I forgot you were into that rough shit."
"Lexie!" Seth unhooked his legs blushing brilliantly pushing Roman back a bit.
"I said I was sorry" she laughed again. "Carry on gentlemen," she went to leave then quickly turned back to them. "Is the 15 minutes enough time or do you need more? Should I wait farther down the hallway? I'm sure Seth's a screamer…"
"Oh my fucking god!" Seth was mortified, but Roman had to smile a little. She could give Dean a run for his money, "Lexie, what the fuck!" Seth snatched his shirt from where Roman had tossed it, and grabbed Roman's for him too. When Seth turned back to glare at Lexie he let out an indignant huff. "Eyes off my man, find your own!"
Roman blushed a deeper shade of red when he noticed Lexie's eyes roaming up and down his body unabashed, "Oh come on Bambie; don't knock it until you try it."
Roman couldn't tell if she was serious or not until she winked at him while Seth huffed again struggling with his shirt. Roman laughed deciding to play along even though her interruption resulted in some physical discomfort, "You know babe; it might be fun… Lexie's pretty hot. I might be able to get into that, you know?"
The look on Seth's face was priceless as he stopped struggling with his shirt. Roman was unsure who he looked like he wanted to strangle first, him or her. Both he and Lexie started cracking up unable to hold it in anymore as Seth looked between them trying to decide. Realization that they were joking dawned on him and he stomped his foot like a child. "I hate you both!"
"Aw baby we were joking," Roman wrapped his arms around Seth pulling him against him after he finally managed to slip his shirt over his head. Seth pouted and tried to be mad but he saw him struggling with a smile. "I love you."
"I love you too," Seth melted into him after a split second and kissed him before turning back to Lexie, "Mine!"
"All yours," she held up her hands laughing at his possessiveness. Roman laughed too, and he felt like he was on top of the world again, his heart was bursting with a joy he never thought he'd feel again. "Rome, I do have to say though, red is definitely your color."
She was referring to the fact that the lipstick on Seth's face was now on his too, but it reminded him of Dean who had said something similar about Lexie not long ago and it made his stomach drop. The jovial mood in the room immediately soured and he knew they were all thinking the same thing. Poor Dean.
"You don't have to," Seth said softly. "Just make sure he knows I love him."
Roman's heart broke as he fell from the top of the world. The same logic that had brought Seth back to his arms was going to rip Dean from them. It wasn't fair to Dean, and it wasn't his choice to make.
"I do," Roman said resolutely taking Seth's hand and leading him towards the door afraid he would lose his courage.
Lexie looked nervous and worried, and Seth looked crest fallen, but he wasn't going to take the same opportunity from Dean that he was so grateful Seth afforded him. They exited the room with heavy hearts, even Lexie.
"I love you," Seth told him gently with a little peck.
"I love you too," he replied, "with all my heart no matter what."
Seth nodded with unshed tears in his eyes as Roman kissed him again, before hugging him for a long while feeling his tears soaking into his shirt. Roman pulled back steeling himself for what he was about to do knowing it was going to destroy someone he loved very much. He couldn't delay any longer. As he went to walk past her Lexie grabbed him.
"Rome," she said in a way that made his chest tighten with a surprising surge affection. "It'll work out. He'll come around, but until he does, I'll take care of him."
Her words were simple, but they spoke volumes to him. She was letting him know she would pick up the pieces for him if need be, and he believed her. She was making this as easy as possible on him, and for that he was eternally grateful. Without hesitation he wrapped her little body in his arms and squeezed her tight. She stiffened at first, but hugged him back with the same fervor letting him know he wasn't alone.
"Thank you," he breathed kissing her forehead as he set her carefully on her feet. He gave them both a weak smile before he turned to go do one of the hardest things he would ever have to do in his life; break Dean's heart.
The walk back to their room took forever and no time at all. He had no idea how he was going to say what he needed to say, but was pretty sure no matter how he said it he was going to get punched in the face, which he absolutely deserved.
He didn't think he'd be able to do it if there wasn't someone to cushion the blow, if Dean even let them. That was a new terrifying possibility. Even the affection he knew Dean felt for Lexie might not be enough if he couldn't forgive Seth for the rest. He couldn't take this from him though; it wasn't his choice to make. He took a deep breath before he pushed open the door knowing he kept silent long enough.
"What the hell happened to you?" Dean was awake, he had no more time. "You decide to start batting for our team again?" Roman shook his head no unable to keep the sadness from his eyes and Dean saw it. "What's wrong with you?" Suddenly he stood up looking very angry seeing Roman's eyes were wet. "What did Satan and her minion do…"
"Nothing," Roman cut him off, his nerves made his voice louder than he intended, so he softened it. "Nothing, it's not them. They're… they weren't in the wrong at all, and we were wrong about Lexie. I was in the wrong Dean… I love you so much you know that right?"
Dean now looked extremely concerned and made his way over with the intention of comforting him, "Roman, what's this about?"
"Dean, just don't" He stepped back when Dean put a comforting hand on his shoulder unable to handle it knowing he didn't deserve it. Dean's face fell and he looked so hurt, and as much as Roman wanted to comfort him he couldn't, it wasn't right with what he was about to do. "It's… it's about why Seth left."
He still looked hurt, but somehow Roman knew Dean knew this was coming, but it didn't make it any easier. Roman took a deep breath and closed his eyes.
"That night, after Payback when I went to go get the ice I saw Randy… and… and I don't know what actually happened, but he was dizzy… and I was trying to hold him up. He said some weird things, he was looking at me weird and then… and then… he kissed me… and… and Seth saw it. That's why he left Dean; because of me… it was all my fault…"
It was choppy and it came out in a rush because he didn't think he could do it any other way. He opened his eyes, but couldn't even look at Dean. He was too much of a coward. It was quiet for the next minute or so, and he knew he couldn't put it off. He finally looked up deciding he owed it to Dean. What he found made him feel the exact opposite of how he'd felt earlier with Seth.
Dean was standing there seemingly in shock; his eyes were filled with tears. The only emotion Roman could really pick up as he watched his best friend was a sadness he felt all the way in his soul. This was so much worse than him yelling and cursing while taking swings at him. He would take yelling and cursing over tears any day; a broken jaw would be better than this.
"Dean I'm so fucking sorry. I didn't know he saw it until the other night. I didn't even kiss him back, I didn't want…"Dean's hand went up as a tear slid down his cheek effectively cutting him off just as well as any fist. His tears were worse than any fist. Hell, they were worse than being hit by a bus.
Roman remained quiet knowing he didn't deserve to even defend himself as Dean's watery eyes darted back and forth in his head like he was struggling to make sense of it all. Roman would do anything to take away the pain and sadness Dean was feeling right now, but there was nothing he could do.
"You lied to me." Dean's voice was thick with tears and hurt and disbelief. "You lied to me…" Dean started pacing and pulling on his already messy hair. "You… it was you… I thought this whole time it was me… Seth loves you so much, it couldn't have been because of you… but it was… I… I can't"
Dean's tears fell in earnest now, and Roman had no idea what to do as his own tears fell. Normally he would hug him and hold him until he calmed down, but this time Dean's tears were because of something he did, and that was so unbelievably fucking painful. He could do nothing to help and it was killing him.
"Dean," he finally said when he couldn't take it anymore and stepped towards him. He had to try. "I love you, you know…"
"Don't!" Dean suddenly shouted jerking away from him. He looked at Roman hard for a long moment. "Don't I just… I can't"
With that he turned and walked out the door not even bothering to take his room key. When the door banged shut behind him Roman sunk to the floor where he stood. He was being ripped apart again and again it was all his fault. He loved Dean so fucking much, and now he was gone.
