Chapter 8: Gift
After that disastrous trip to Capitol City, Oliver tried very hard not to let himself think of Felicity. The more he thought of her, the more the hole he felt in his chest grow. He remembered, quite vividly, a similar hole during the dream he had the night she was taken by the Count. The hole he felt he could never fill at the loss of her. He knew that if he continued to allow himself to think of her, he would start doubting his decision. He could not afford to do that. It was the right decision. He could not go back. She probably would not welcome him even if he did.
Stop.
So he tried not to think of her. He worked harder, at everything. He slept even less than he had before. It all came crashing down on a Friday. It was the 20th of December. Christmas was coming soon, although his family had decided to ignore the occasion this year—too many bad memories on all sides. He and Diggle descended the steps at the Foundry, ready for a night of hard work. Oliver immediately felt something was off. The lights were on, and he was certain he had left them off in the wee hours of morning when he had left. He slowed his steps. There was a small package wrapped in green, with a silver bow, on Felicity's desk. He still thought of it as her desk, even though he knew he shouldn't.
He reached out and took the small box, looking questioningly at Diggle.
Digg raised his hands. "Don't look at me man. I don't have a clue."
He turned it over in his hands, considering.
"Maybe it's a bomb," Diggle deadpanned. Oliver looked at him, and was surprised to see the man was smiling.
Oliver raised an eyebrow.
Diggle looked like he was making a decision about something. He took a deep breath. "She said she 'might be dropping by.' I guess this is what she met." He looked at Oliver like he was waiting for him to start ranting.
Oliver felt the knife twist again. She had been here. She had hacked in to bring him a present. But she hadn't stayed. Why hadn't she stayed? Maybe she didn't want to see him. Maybe she thought he didn't want to see her. Who brings a Christmas present to a boss who fired them? To a friend who suddenly shoehorned that person out of his life? Apparently Felicity. He was pretty sure she was the only person who would do such a thing.
He was flooded with the memory of her the day he had sent her away. Even then, she had told him she understood. She had looked like she was considering punching him in the chest, had even poked him with her fist. But then she had spread her hand over his chest. "But I still know you are a good man, and I still think you deserve better." He closed his eyes against the still fresh pain.
Sinking into the chair, he opened his present. He tried to ignore the fact that his hands were shaking. Inside the shiny green paper was a small plane white box. He opened it. Inside there was a small golden pin. He put the box down and scrubbed his hands over his face. This was too much. She was too good. How could she bring him this, after everything. She brought this, left it, and then left.
Digg stepped up next to him, glancing in the box. "It looks like a Japanese symbol," he said.
Oliver closed his eyes and nodded. "It is."
Digg waited for him to go on. Oliver opened his eyes, scrubbed one hand again over his mouth, trying desperately to control all the emotions raging in him. Fear for her and anger at himself for bringing her in to this. He leaned and picked up the pin from the box, running his fingers over it. He felt the piercing pain in the hole in his gut, and an irrational anger at her for bringing him this.
"It says kibou." He ground out. It was a dangerous word, one that had the ability to bring him to his knees in a way that no enemy could. "It means hope."
He could feel Diggle's eyes on him, but he couldn't himself to look up. She wanted him to have hope. She hadn't stayed because she wasn't sure she would be welcome, or because she didn't to fight with him, or any one of a hundred reasons. But even after a month, she had still thought of him. She had wanted him to have hope. Did she know how hopeless everything seemed? It had always seemed hopeless, but so much worse since she left.
He could not afford to be hopeful. Hope was pain. If he was hopeful, he would let his guard down. Sooner or later his world would crash around him.
"We've got work to do," he said, grabbing the hood and heading to change. But before he left, he affixed the pin under the lapel of the green jacket, where it wouldn't be seen. It was positioned nearly on top of the scar from his mother's bullet. The same scar Felicity had run her fingers over that night a million years ago in her apartment.
He swallowed back the memory, pushing it down. Hope was a dangerous thing.
My mind was closing, now I'm believing
I finally know just what it means to let someone in
To see the side of me that no one does or ever will
So if you're ever lost and find yourself all alone
I'd search forever just to bring you home,
Here and now this I vow.
By now you'd know that I'd come for you
No one but you, yes I'd come for you
But only if you told me to
~Nickleback
AN: So, yeah, you guys may hate me now. This chapter was painful to write. But that's why I fell in love with Oliver in the first place-he has so much pain that he carries around, so of course he's going to have it here in spades. Felicity's point of view is coming next. Thank you for the reviews! I read each and every one, and while I do not respond individually (because I am too freaking busy trying to get this story out of my head), they are like happy little bits of joy! Maybe one more chapter tonight, I'm a few ahead now but tomorrow is going to be busy and I want to save some of it for then. If you don't hate me after this, you may by then. Rest assured I *am* a HEA kind of girl.
