Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ
IT'S HERE!!! Since my weekend's going to be real busy and I didn't have homework, I finished the chapter! And I had WAY TOO MUCH FUN writing it! So, the videos used for Midna's speech were: OPFFIX's The Legend of Zelda Walkthrough Episode 21, 22, 23, 24; chunglo's Zelda Twilight Princess 17, 18, 19, 20; and peteyboo's Best. Death. Ever. All were found on Youtube.
Now, LET'S GET THE MADNESS STARTED!!!
The Bug Hunt: Ass You Need Die
With the Twilight banished from Faron Province and the monsters in the Forest Temple gone, the Faron Woods became peaceful once again. After Impy left me in peace, I go ambling through the woods, slowly headed in the direction of the gate to Hyrule Field, which will undoubtedly take me to the lands ruled by Eldin.
The sun shines brightly overhead, and the soothing greens of the forest fill me with a profound sense of peace. The birds are chirping, the insects buzzing, and the wildlife roaming just out of sight within the cloak of trees. I savor the sweet swishing of grass beneath my tree and the earthy coolness that absorbs me as I walk beneath the hollow tree roots. As I emerge in the clearing with Coro, I once again feel the warmth of the sun sinking into my tunic, and I would like nothing more than to lie on my back in the grass, staring up into the impossibly clear blue sky all day, watching the lazy white clouds drift far above, forgetting that I have a duty that must be fulfilled, a world to save.
Okay, enough of that crap. Long story short, I walked through the woods. Whee.
There's only a couple of monsters on the path leading out of the forest, so I decide to "play" with them for a while.
I finally emerge on Hyrule Field, and for a person surrounded by trees all his life who's only heard of a field, it was pretty impressive at first glance. There were trees on the horizon and a few isolated ones in the middle of the field, but between here and there, just grass, grass grass, with hills and a pond and the occasional bush. But there was something ugly, orange-black, and big looming on the horizon, and I could only assume this was Faron's "curtain of twilight".
Correct.
Good to know.
Then I notice that there are Bombskits and Kargaroks and Bokoblins on the Field, so I opt for jogging across and hoping I don't run into too much trouble.
I am nearly across as the sun begins to set, and I've only had one run-in with a Kargarok that got away annoyingly, squawk-laughing at me, and I'm really close to the entrance to the Twilight, and-
"HEEEEEEY!!!"
Oh Goddesses, no....
There are legends of monsters more fearsome than Diababa. The people are told stories of evil mages and beasts that hide in the darkness, of vicious gigantic sand-worms and giant eels and resurrected warriors, but there is none more feared or hated than the one known as the Postman. Also known as the Sprinting Stalker.
This freakish-looking harbinger of doom jogs up to me, oblivious to the Kargarok wounds on his shoulder, sword slashes on his arms, and Bombskit-burned clothes, and announces, "Go no further! There is a black wall ahead that blocks the way!"
That's kind of where I'm going, but thanks anyway. Now, if you'll let me run away...
He doesn't. He waves his arms in a hopeless gesture and sighs, "I thought I would deliver a few letters, but it seems impossible..."
Poor you. Go cry a river, build a bridge, and jump off it. And drown in the current.
He, however, is not Faron. "I am the honorable and dependable mail carrier, known to some as...the postman," he says.
I am the strong and courageous hero of Hyrule, known to some as...Link. Or Bread. Or Chicken Shit.
"Now that I have introduced myself, please! Take this letter and read it at your leisure!" He hums some stupid theme as he reaches for something in that big flag-toting backpack of his and hands it to me. Then, he suddenly salutes and proclaims, "Well, my business is concluded! Onward to mail!" Then he jogs away.
I look at the thing he gave me and almost faint from shock. It's a letter.
Then I open the letter and almost faint from shock again. It's from the Sprinting Stalker.
It reads: "-About Mail Delivery- If I have a letter for you, I will approach you at high speed! Please do not flee!"
That was completely stupid, seeing as he just demonstrated that. Actions really do speak louder than words, especially when you do the actions yelling at the top of your lungs. And to add insult to injury, he's left me this little paper memento of his evil presence.
Oh, well, maybe a passing boar will bite his head off...
Well, it's getting late, so I continue on my not-so-merry way. It's almost sunset by the time I reach the wall, getting bigger, darker, and uglier every step I take toward it. Finally, when it starts glowing orange, Impy pops up from my shadow, looking almost apprehensively at me, as if she's nervous herself, or if she's wondering if I'm ready to go in.
"Pup gone ass. ...Keep it? We. There, you poop with me. From there, I'll take you keep. What, gone you need me. Up what do you might?"
Um...yes...?
Impy floats away through the wall and I brace myself because OH GODDESSES NOOOO IT'S THE EVIL HAND HELP ME GAHHH!!!
...Aaaand we're back in the Twilight, and I get three seconds as a human before Wolfifying. And then, Impy lands heavily on my back. Again.
She pats the sides of my head, which feels good... NO, LINK!!! Then she snickers, and says, "Good boy, to you I know. Pee, I have to do there!" Before she can continue, I walk over to a nearby bush and look at her expectantly. Instead, she smacks my head and continues, "Pup, pup, dude," and yawns. "Won wrong, do you, eat. Are me!"
She's finished destroying my brain cells for now, so I run for a little while, attempting to throw her off my back for everything she has, or hasn't, done so far, until I come across a stick giving off a strong scent.
I walk up to it, and give it a good whiff. Then I remember. This piece of shit is the wooden sword I loaned Talo. So if he came through here, then maybe so did Malo and Beth and Colin and Ilia.
You learned the Youth's Scent!
It stinks.
Impy seems to notice that I found something, because she suddenly exclaims, "Ooh do sneeze! Twist to pee a stone ass!" Then she laughs.
I vomit. That is GROSS.
So, I continue on my way, now limping because of throwing up because of Impy because of stinky scents, but a little ways down the road are three of those black uglies. Hey, it must be Inka's great-great nineteenth step-uncle twice removed, his best friend's mom's daughter's brother, and his long-long twin grandcousin, Flookysnookfup, Tshreequazblobl, and Yoogoogoogoo!
By the time Tshreeqazblobl and Yoogoogoogoo notice that I'm here, Flookysnookfup is already on the ground with his throat bit out. And it doesn't take long for Impy to whip out her hand-hair and deal with the other two, who explode into black uglies and form an ugly blue-and-black portal in the ugly black-and-orange sky.
I prepare to on my happy way when I realize that there is no happy way to go on. In fact, there isn't even a sad way, because there's no way at all. OKAY, WHO STOLE THE BRIDGE?!
Impy sighs and groans, "Dude, uhhhhh.... oh, key pay. Me what now, what what. Hey, bread up. What dude, die!"
I don't listen to half her rambling, because I'm bashing my head into the wooden post. Then I get a concussion. It's not a less painful way to lose brain cells, but I prefer it to Impy.
I must be seeing things, because Impy is suddenly floating in front of me, holding the map to my face and pointing things out.
She indicates the yellow mark, which marks our location, which I already knew. "We with dude, me we with. One brick Inka power. See this ass thing we with?" she asks, pointing to blue marks on the map, and then indicating the portal above me to show that those mark portal locations. "What do you gone. You pay or die. It may you dude, you die...." She scans the Faron Woods on the map and delightedly exclaims, circling the portal in North Faron Woods. "There gooey! Pooping cute cow tooch one bee."
I have a feeling she wants me to go to North Zit-Poo Woods, so I point to North Zit-Poo Woods with my snout.
"Oh, kicking ass?"
Sure...
And we're flying away in Twilightyness.
We're in North Zit-Poo Woods. At night. But I'm still a stinking wolf. Impy, who had gone back into my shadow, pops up and says, "Bays suck shin! Toot me, or kick dude's two shins. So what two skin." Then she leaves me alone.
Well, we're looking for a bridge, and I assume that since we're here we've seen it here before. I turn to the left, and look what we have here! A BRIDGE! How convenient!
Impy jumps back up, excited. Giggling, she says, "Dude's arm. Ohh, cool! Kill me, and poop my dog! We bit bid!"
I will not do my business in front of a shadowy imp that can't speak in any other language but Gibberish to save her life. However, she's inspecting the bridge, and, deciding for herself, she concludes that this is the bridge we are looking for. So she holds out the map, and points to Kakariko. "Come hoe in arm." Then she flies up, zaps the bridge with her hand hair, and—HOLY SHIT SHE PICKED IT UP WITH AWESOME TELEKINESIS POWERS!!! Faron, can you do that??
No.
Oh...But still, HOLY SHIT!!!
So with a lot of rumbling, it floats up about the trees before dissolving into Twilightyness. And then I'm next.
When I'm able to see again, I'm on the middle of the bridge. Impy suddenly pats my sides again, and starts bragging. "Bad toothpick! Bread womping wrong tie! See to you pup wash. Icky pie!"
One day, I want to figure out exactly how you "Womp" something, because apparently I do a lot of that. On top of obsessively womping things, I have been renamed Bread, called a "bad toothpick", been taunted with Krispy Kreme, Triscuits, cupcakes, Icky pies, and lots of bread, and now, to top everything off, Impy has the bizarre idea that she's going to give me, a wolf, a "pup wash". This is one of those days where I feel like climbing up to my tree house in Ordon, ignoring anyone who comes by and threatening to dump whatever happens to be in the boiling pot on fire at the time on their head. This I do every Thursday, but also when Ilia's special times roll around towards the ends of the months. However, Seeing as I have been transformed into a wolf, renamed Bread, taunted with bread and many other foods by a freakish Impy who can't speak normally, I can't go home and hide from the world. Bummer.
So I follow the yellowish scent down the not-so-yellow dirt road, hoping that when I find the brats something horrible will have happened so they can never bug me again. I destroy a couple enemies along the way, and notice how much awesomer it is to kill things in wolf form. Two good hits does most weaklings in.
Finally, the not-so-yellow dirt road ends with a big black gate and two enemies behind it. I'm about to crawl under the gate, when Impy makes a remark on the two enemies behind it, sounding as confused as if someone was teaching her proper speech. "Wrong...chicken wing. You need up in poo be tower. Oh, caproose..."
And no, Impy, I'm not making a meal out of them. Mincemeat, yes, but not a meal.
So, ignoring her, which I should probably do more often, I dig under the gate and kill the two Twilit Bulbins, and then resume following the not-so-yellow dirt road.
It leads to a town, and Inka's great-aunt-in-law, twelfth cousin once removed on his stepsister's side, and his dad, respectively named Nirgrrshipoopoo, Wylydakikinbangf, and Fruffyvijidingash are waiting for us. So, I greet them in a very friendly manner, complete with all the required snarls, lunges, and snaps for the face. Pretty soon, Nirgrrshipoopoo, Wylydakikinbangf, and Fruffyvijidingash are exploding into black uglies and form the ugly blue-and-black portals in the ugly black-and-orange sky, just like Flookysnookfup, Tshreequazblobl, and Yoogoogoogoo.
And then, I look to my right, and my heart nearly stops, because floating in the middle of the spring is a cloud of light. And if I was bored to death last time, when Faron the Telepathic spoke, I shudder in horror at the thought of this one.
Hahahaha.... Poor Hero... if you think I'm a pain in the ass, wait until you talk to Eldin here... Hmm... I wonder if you'll live long enough to meet the horror known as Lanayru...?
Gee, thanks a whole damn lot, Faron, for making me horrified and then humming some happy song in the back of my head. Well, hopefully this guy isn't as long-winded as Faron or Skeleton-Dude...
...Oh. Oh no.
"To the hero... chosen by the goddesses...named Din, the Goddess of Power...Nayru, the Goddess of Wisdom...and... Farore, Goddess of Courage...whose name...is Link...who comes from Ordon...in the south...of Hyrule...in Ordona's lands...who was transformed... into... a blue-eyed beast...who is a wolf...in spirit form...in the realm of shadows...in twilight...at dusk....in the evening..."
Fuck. me.
"...This way...toward me...the cloud of light...glowing...in the spring...on the left..."
OKAY, OKAY, SHUT UP AND STOP RAMBLING, PLEASE!!! YOU'RE WORSE THAN FARON!!!
Faron laughs inside my head. Stupid Faron.
Hey, I'm not the one dealing with Eldin...
Goddesses help me....
I walk over to the light-cloud.
"I am...a spirit...of light...A light spirit... like Ordona...and Faron...and Lanayru...who guards these lands...of Eldin Province...by the will of the Goddesses...Din, Nayru, and Farore... who created Hyrule..."
Someone, anyone, if you're listening, please shoot me through the head with a flaming arrow.
"Hero...named Link...chosen by the Goddesses...wearer of the green man-dress..."
It's a TUNIC!!! Goddesses DAMMIT ALL, Eldin, I'm here busy trying to teach Link the Fucking Hero Chosen by the Goddesses that it's a tunic and not a dress, and YOU come along and tell him it's a MAN-dress! Holy Farore, how many times do I have to repeat myself?! IT. IS. NOT. A. MAN-DRESS!!!!!!!!
"Faron...light spirit...of Farore...who guards the Faron Province...who takes the form of a monkey...and wielder of telepathy...is that you...?"
Who else would it fricking be?! Now get on with your stupid spiel so we can get you your damn tears!
"FINE...Since no one...appreciates me...Hero...named Link...chosen by the Goddesses...Look for...my light...the shining stuff...Gather the light stolen by the shadows... the dark insects...those annoying fleas...and store them...in this...the Vessel...of Light... that looks like...a grape vine..."
You got the Vessel of Light! Use this to collect the tears that cut through the darkness. When the Vessel is full of tears, you can dispel the twilight and return the land to its light-filled state. To see the evils that consume the Tears, press X to use your senses.
Um... Okay... I simply concentrate and sniff and look around with wolf-eyes, but if the weird imaginary Voice says so, X-senses it is...
And shit, the light-cloud of eternal rambling isn't done rambling.
"...The insects of darkness...those creepy-crawly bugs...those parasites...that shoot electricity...They are the form taken...by the evil that attached itself...to my scattered light...when I was attacked...and had my light stolen......In this shadowy twilight...this strange dusk....this land of darkness...the shadow insects are invisible...or transparent...or translucent...and you cannot see them...much as the people from your light world are...like the children...and the postman...and the bomb-master...and the shaman...and his daughter...and the Gorons...and the Zoras...and the people in Castle Town......With the last of my power...I am at the end of my strength...I will soon die...even though I never actually do...But anyway...let me mark your map...magically...because I have no appendages...or limbs...or arms...or-"
ELDIN!!!
"FINE...Let me mark your map...with the locations...of the tears that have turned into...shadow insects...so you know where to find them...and where they are...and their current positions......But be careful...the darkness...now hunts you...it follows you...stalking along behind...waiting for you to drop your guard...Link, wearer of the green TUNIC...hero chosen by the goddesses...good luck...goodbye... farewell."
FINALLY to get away from that horrible super-long-winded light spirit!
...Oh no. Ordona was long-winded, Faron was longer-winded, and this guy... was shit. Who knows what the last one will be like??
You've got worse things to worry about with Lanayru.
Why? Does he ramble and do something else as well?
No, he's a shorter speaker... but he tends to...
What?
Uh... you'll see...
Fine. Leave me in the dark to face my doom by holy powers. I run faaaar away from Eldin's or whatever-his-name-is' spring to start the stupid bug hunt all over again.
First, I try the circular building right in front of the spring, but Impy's more interested in the small metal roof jutting out around the back. When she sees it, she points at it and says excitedly, "Wee mitt!" Then she flies up to the tree next to the roof beckoning with her hand-hair to jump.
I jump, and she catches me. Then we jump to the metal roof and then to the main stone roof, where there is a huge boarded-up patch over the center. The wood must have rotted or something, because I fall through and land loudly and heavily in the room below.
It was a room full of those greenish spirit-flames, so I concentrate on my wolf-senses to see them.
A middle-aged man sporting a blast-mask and a beer belly... a girl with short, straight black hair... a man with longer black hair who might be her father, and...oh great. The village brats.
Beth and Talo are on either side of the father-guy, heads down. Colin's standing in front of the man, facing away from me. The black-haired girl is next to Beth, the blast-man is by the windows, and Malo is in between the two groups.
"Cripes!" the bomb-man says. "I don't see those black brutes anywhere...They've gotta be hidin' somewhere, waitin' for their helpless little prey to come out! Then they'll FEAST!"
..I think he's a glass half-empty kind of person.
Bomb-man twitches and fidgets as he looks out the window. Talo lifts his head and the man turns to him. "We are safe as long as we remain in here, child. Be at ease."
Bomb-man turns away from the window to challenge him, lifting his mask to reveal thick glasses, a balding, frizzy head of thinning hair, and a beard that wraps around his mouth and looks like it goes up his nostrils. "Oh yeah?" he retorts, " I wonder if the monsters out there agree with you..."
Father-Man shoots Bomb-Man a warning glare, but Bomb-Man glares back. "They sure didn't seem impressed by my bombs! How long do you think we can hold out in this sanctuary against beasts that strong, huh? Once they attack, it's OVER! Remember that lady from the general store? Just one of those things attacked her, and a whole gang from town went to save her! And what happened? She was already gone, and there were TWO monsters waitin'!...You connectin' the dots? That means that if we get attacked by them, then we'll be..."
"BARNES!!!" Father-Man yells, just as Beth, who had been shaking, begins to cry.
Father-Man shoots Bomb-Man another look, but Bomb-Man simply replaces his visor and sinks to the floor, laughing some weird, hopeless kind of cackle.
Father-Man shoots him another glare.
Bomb-Man, now crawling on the floor, begins to reason instead of challenge. "Look, Renado, all I mean to say is that it's risky here, too! Ain't you got some place we can hide?"
"There is...a cellar..." Renado mutters.
Barnes scrambles over. "WHAT?! You've got a CELLAR?! Where's the entrance, man?"
"The entrance to the cellar is designed to open when all the candles have been lit..." Renado explains.
Barnes manages to light one torch before the black-haired girl speaks up. "...I...would not do that...When Father instructed me to secure the cellar, I saw insects like the beasts outside..."
Barnes immediately retreats in terror.
...Forget Bomb-Man. This guy's a Bomb Baby...
Bomb Baby goes to watch the window again, and Colin starts trying to comfort Beth. More than I would've done, at least. "Don't cry, Beth! It'll be OK!" he says, putting up his hand just to have her knock it away. "Link is coming to save us all!"
As he says that, I feel a pang of guilt.
...Eh, whatever...
The kids, however, all look up hopefully at Colin's words. Even Bomb Baby, Renado, and his daughter turn to him. Then he becomes his usual cowardly self under all the attention and says "...I can feel it!"
Everyone looks away again.
Then Impy starts laughing. "Eat you two poop inside! Toot in sweat, neat...What take you pay phone keep your weight eight. To boss me, you is arm set. What ruse knee in armpit. Kit poor me! Poory arm poory poo! Keep head tea. Zoot, ryon!"
Um... whatever...I grab the stick Bomb Baby dropped, and, surprised that they don't notice a floating stick, run around the room and light the torches. The owl statue in the middle slides to the left and reveals a hole to the basement.
"What sorcery is this?!" Renado exclaims, but I'm falling into the basement...
There are three annoying bugs in the basement, and I climb out by way of the rafters after Impy suggests, "In bib! Dude oil nude."
We emerge in a happy little graveyard with lone bug underground, and after he's dealt with, we run back into town. One bug is in an abandoned storehouse, two are in a deserted inn, one is in a multi-leveled shop, and one is in the bottom of the tall building overlooking the town, and the two bugs after that are when things really start getting interesting.
After I emerged from the tall building, I saw the two final insects in the village and went chasing after them. They flew inside the house, so I followed them in via a tunnel. I sensed them hiding in the chimney, and so, seeing the fireplace, conveniently placed stick, and conveniently burning toppled lantern, I made to smoke them out like I had before.
And that is when things went horribly, horribly wrong.
Apparently these bugs had managed to set themselves on fire, and streaked out of the fireplace, hitting walls in their blind pain and panic. And I just now noticed that this house is dangerously full of what seem to be highly violent pyrotechnics, and two burning-electrically charged bugs hitting everything they can makes things horribly unsafe for me. Already half of one of the walls is burning.
"Huh? What did you do?! Impy screams at me. "Sorry, but as romantic as this is, I'm not going to stay here with you. I'm getting out!" She abruptly turns to bubbles and flies out.
Well, that's really nice of—Did she say romantic?!
Wait...IMPY SPOKE NORMALLY?!
I try to dash after her, but one of the bugs hits me, so while I'm recovering from that hit, the house is burning all around me and explosions are rocking the place, and Impy yells, "BUMHEAD!" Translation: "HEY!! If you don't hurry up and get out...Ohh... I can't even say it!"
Now more desperate than anything, I follow her out, and begin sprinting away as soon as I'm out, barely noticing Impy's extremely two-ton weight landing on my back. And not a moment too soon, for as we run away, the house is consumed by flames, bombarded by explosion after explosion, and blasted into oblivion, leaving only a charred, jagged square of concrete, some blackened wood, and three Tears of Light behind.
Impy makes an "oh well" noise, shaking her shoulders. "Hmm... ass eat gomp you need die." Then she adds sheepishly, hesitantly, "Pee, Pee take kick to wear your thing."
Whatever, Impy. I can't believe we just did that! We'll be charged with breaking and entering! Vandalism! Destruction of property! Misuse of homemade pyrotechnics! We'll need to pack whatever we can carry on our backs and move to a new country under different names to escape the law and a lifetime sentence in jail! I'll be... Nilk! And She'll be... Mandi!
Oh, wait. No one saw us. Aaaand I'm a wolf. Right. I knew that. To cover up my little spastic attack that has Impy looking at me strangely, I run over to the ruins and grab the three tears, and quickly go back down into town to deal with the last bug, hiding in another abandoned building.
Since there's no other bugs in town, I go out of the village the opposite way I came, which is a winding path going steadily upwards towards the tall mountain. Eventually we reach an impassable cliff face covered in mesh, which I could have climbed if I had fricking opposable thumbs. Impy points this out unnecessarily, saying, "Wrong zeet pup oh you and I", along with her stupid smug remark that she could easily get me up there.
I allow that to pass without a bark and let her pull me up. Once we get up, I hear the spirit sigh, so I hone my senses to listen to what this rock-guy... I think it's called a Goron...has to say.
"Ugh...why do I have to stand guard?" he groans. "The ladder is destroyed, so it's not like any humans will come up...And what is with the elders? If we have a problem the humans can help with, we should ask. It is better than suffering for the sake of our pride."
Wonderful. Sounds like I'm gonna have some trouble getting back here...
It doesn't worry me now, though, since, you know, no one can see me but Impy. So I continue, killing some Keese along the way, and notice one of the bugs. As I kill it, I hear something really weird in the wind. It sounds like the wind is blowing through something which makes a song...
"Search for the statues that howl with the sound of the wind. Seek the sound that calls the spirit of the beast to awaken me again."
Oh yeah... what Skeleton-Man told me. Good thing I remembered, or I would have never remembered.
One, that sentence doesn't even make sense. Two, that was ME. I was paying attention to what he said, unlike YOU.
Be quiet, Faron. No one asked you.
If you don't watch yourself, I'm going to get Eldin to seriously annoy you once we revive him.
But he's dead...sort of. And anyway, he can't follow me like you.
Well, through my telepathy, he can follow us...
WHAT?!
Yep.
I'll be good. Somewhat.
Thank you.
Well, crap. Faron can annoy me all he wants, because if he doesn't then Eldin will annoy me all he can. However, that is not the most pressing matter at the moment. I go up to the Howling Stone and howl...a song.
Hm... high note, middle, low...high, middle, low. Sounds sort of like a requiem. For the spirit. Maybe it's because Eldin died. Well, I sure wouldn't sing this Requiem of Spirit for him, but if the Howling Stone wants me to...
I howl this Requiem of Spirit, and suddenly I'm in another otherworld than the otherworld I was in before with Skeleton-Man. Impy has thankfully vanished, and I'm on a cliff that doesn't exist over a nighttime that is not, overlooking the great landmarks of Hyrule, such as the castle and the snowy northern mountains, with an abyssal plain in between them, obscured so the bottom is not visible.
And on another cliff is Skeleton-Man in his one-eyed golden ghost form.
I don't know how long we stand there for, but I finally realize Skeleton-Man wants me to howl the song again.
Took you long enough...
Be quiet. Okay. Howl the song...
Then Skeleton-Man starts howling with me. And we howl a pretty awesome song.
"Let teachings of old pass to you...Take sword in hand a find me..." Skeleton-Man says. Then he runs and jumps off the cliff somewhere.
Okay...I had no idea he was suicidal...
He's already dead, dimwit.
Shut up, Faron. I don't need your input.
Then the world goes blinding white again. I'm back at the Howling Stone on the path to Death Mountain, and Impy is once again on my back. Suddenly, she pulls out my map, and I notice a tiny gold wolf marker at the Ordon Spring.
Okay, that was fun. I continue up the way to the mountain, dodging steaming geysers as I go.
After a whole lot of climbing, we finally begin to descend into some weird area at the base of the real mountain, and not just the trail. And as I look down, I see four people I wanted to see the least.
It appears that Grytblurpbwab, Krfnkrgy, Vigbppntash, and Eccxzsrsrsrsrs, who are Inka's half-stepcousin twice removed on the mother's side in-law, his great step-uncle, his younger older fraternal identical twin triplet, and his half-daughter were waiting for us. So I go down to say hi. Quite violently.
But as I come up to them and get surrounded by ugly black poles with ugly red force fields, I realize that Krfnkrgy is a coward, hiding behind a red force field, and that if I don't get to him first, he will ruin everything. So I make for him, only to be confronted with Vigbppntash, the bitch. Well, Vigbppntash didn't know what she was dealing with, and at the speed that I dispatched her, she probably never will. Anyway, with her out of the way, I make for that pruny old coward of a great step-uncle named Krfnkrgy, and kill him for being such a coward. Of course, Grytblurpbwab and Eccxzsrsrsrsrs don't appreciate me killing him, so they team up on me. However, they are no match for Impy's creepy hair, and soon they all explode into ugly black uglies and form and ugly black-and-blue portal in the ugly black-and-orange sky. I really need to describe these things with other words than "ugly"...
Hmm... what other words are there that mean "ugly"...?
Get on with it, Hero-Boy, or I'll have Eldin help you with vocabulary when we revive him.
I immediately begin running around looking for Tears of Light.
One is crawling around on a wall, so I ram it, and it gets pissed off, sparking with electricity as it takes flight. After it calms down a bit, I lunge, and so put an end to its pathetic existence. I see a rock, so I climb on it, and Impy beckons for me to jump over the wall where the bug was. I jump and she grabs me, and I look around from up here.
There are several spirits, and I assume they're Gorons. I climb up to another spot and drop into what appears to be a dried-up hot spring, and deal with the Twilit Kargorok and Twilit Vermin and the Dark Insect, all while dodging steaming hot rocks falling from the mountain.
And then suddenly, the Vessel of Light starts glowing, and the world goes blinding white and I realize that that means the light is restored, I will be transported ALL THE FUCKING WAY back to Eldin Spring, and ELDIN IS REVIVED! NOOOOO! I SHOULD HAVE LEFT THIS LAND IN ETERNAL TWILIGHT!!! OH GODDESSES, WHO KNEW DOING GOOD DEEDS WOULD BE SO BAD AND EVIL?!
Heheh... you're in for it now...
Oh, THANK YOU, Faron.
Now the blinding white light is fading, and I AM A HYLIAN AGAIN!!!
The Vessel of Light falls into the water, and Impy jumps out of my shadow, reclining in midair.
"Womp aping with them me..." Impy jokes. Then she giggles and jumps away, twirling into nothing.
This heralds the arrival of the Light Spirit. That dreaded shining ball of light rises from the water, and a shape slowly comes into focus. As expected, Eldin is an owl.
"My name is Eldin," Eldin says, in quite short terms. "That is what people call me, what I go by...I am one of the light spirits of Hyrule, one of the shining beasts who guard the provinces from evil. I am the spirit that guards these lands, the lands of Eldin, the the east of Hyrule, home of Kakariko Village and Death Mountain, and--"
Get on with it, Eldin.
"Very well, Faron, Light Spirit who takes the form of a monkey and guards the southern province of Faron and the forests of Hyrule, weilder of the telepathic power and patron spirit of Farore the Goddess of Courage who created all life...O great hero chosen by the gods whose name is Link who takes the form of a wolf in the realm of twilight and who wears a green TUNIC proudly somehow, the dark power you seek, the Fused Shadows, those powerful artifacts of Twilight, lie in the sacred grounds of the proud mountain dwellers called the Gorons who are partially made of rock, seem to have no female gender among them, and call everyone Brother, and have a rather frightening tendency to give hugs--"
ELDIN!!!
"FINE. But already those grounds have been defiled, vandalized, and tainted, draped in shadow, seeded with evil, and fueled with darkness. You must go to those sacred grounds and cleanse them. Remove the veil of darkness and kill the evil seed, returning purity to Death Mountain and the Goron tribe. To do that, you must gain strength beyond what you have no, for as you are you are no match for the heavy-built Gorons of Death Mountain. They love to sumo wrestle, and will doubtlessly run you down in seconds, for you are as flimsy as a stick. I would suggest seeking out the Ordonian by the name of--"
We don't have time for this! WE NEED TO GO TO DEATH MOUNTAIN!!!
"This is a piece of valuable advice! But if you would not listen to me, then learn the hard way!"
Sure. As long as it gets me away from this stupid light spirit. Goddesses, all of them give me such headaches.
What was that?
Nothing, Faron.
Hey, Eldin.
"What is it, Faron?"
Our dear Chosen Hero here was trying to come up with other words for "ugly".
"Oh, there are plenty of words that have synonymous meanings to the word "ugly", as in many words have the same meaning. For instance, there is unpalatable, gaudy, hideous loud, unsightly, grotesque...
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I ever manage to escape Eldin the Walking Talking Flying Thesaurus, I will "cleanse" all of Death Mountain so good even the Gorons' shit will shine.
A not-so-random place to end, a very random way to end it.
Yes, I do in fact keep track of the names of the Shadow Beasts. It's in a side-file of the folder, reserved for writing down each beast's relation to each other. And I do know that half the stuff said in the chapter made no sense. But that's half the fun!
Until next time, don't let Impy taunt you with bread or Krispy Kreme!
