Part 8
Taking a breath to still his rapid heartbeat and take the time to compose himself he decided to reflect on the previous encounter. Not only, did he have a 'pleasure' of meeting the prince, but he had another insight into what made Morgana such a special person. He realized as soon as she started the little charade what she wanted to accomplish. In his lifetime he never met anyone so observant and in need to prove worthy of her place in this world. It didn't matter that to the world she seemed like a simple royal lady waiting for a royal hand to come and court her.
To him she was everything once lost in the conundrum of royal privy and its rights and laws. The need to do good was something that was his guiding force in the early days, but got lost in the corruption of the rulers and their high court. There, nothing was black and white, people traveled in shades of gray and so he started to see his efforts diminish and fall into utter ruin.
He saw something change in him - darkness has settled over his heart. It enveloped him and took everything he once was and swallowed it in its dark abyss. People didn't change, it is a fact he has come to believe. And still he doesn't seem to recognize the person in the reflection on the nearby window. Can't see the prospect of a warlock who wanted to do good, to right the wrongs done to his people. Now he only sees the ugly grimace of his revenge, hatred that burned so deep not for the people who wronged him but for locking the power he could've unleashed onto the unsuspecting world.
No matter how he looked at it he couldn't look past it. He was a monster, not by choice but by circumstances which brought to the surface the side of him he never knew he possessed. Seemingly the history shall repeat itself now and he will again be forced to delve into his hatred to further his cause and now that he reflected on it, he wondered if maybe there was a better way.
In the silence of a candle lit chambers he watched her, observed the way her hair framed her face and her dress hugged her curves, a dance of shadows on her face. In this place he could let himself dream and hope that she can awaken his light with hers, maybe warm up his frozen heart. He had felt cold for so long, nothing but the darkness in his mind and bloodlust under his fingertips. In here he can hope for salvation.
Looking back, the first time he caught on to her magic, he was in awe. The light shone bright as to compliment his darkness, the feeling of being lost never to be reached by anyone, her magic called out to him. Made him remember that there are still things left to be saved, cherished and protected.
As his gaze caressed her face, he decided that he would never be blamed for the loss of her light, he will be the one to protect it. He doesn't need another good soul lost to darkness by his foolish actions. The only good thing his hardened shell brought him was perspective. The ability to see the bigger picture and not be led into insanity by repeating the same mistakes over and over again. He will see for justice to prevail, even if he can't see clearly anymore what's wrong or not for she will guide him towards it.
Her eyes shone as emeralds in the soft glow of candles and it made him crave her light and warmth that only she could bring into this hollow shell of a man that has seen all hopes lost. He sees that it has to be his choice, not led by a destiny or a higher power. He has to choose her over what is right in his mind for he is aware that he does not know what that is. He needs to look for her for guidance and then make his decision for he knows that he is hers. Will she be able to recognize the same and find him worthy because it is him who is unworthy of her?
Back in the present his mind calls, and he is aware that he gets lost in the mist of nothingness longer and longer each time, unaware of time passed and events unfolded. She keeps him here. His mind is slowly slipping and he needs her here to keep him grounded. First the need to focus on his plan rather than her is slowly returning and he contemplates his next move.
"I am sorry for the inconvenience I may have caused. The prince obviously didn't believe our little story and probably thinks I am courting you, my lady."
Before he could move on, she interrupted him with a smile and a wave of her hand.
"No need. Arthur can think whatever he wants, I don't care. There are more important things at hand now, Merlin."
An expectant look followed and he believed she wanted him to inform her of their next step. Taking a deep breath the tension in his shoulders was back and he suppressed the need for a cup of water, anything to quench the dryness in his mouth.
Once more she surprised him by striding towards the table and pouring him a cup and putting it slowly in his hand. Gratefully taking the liquid from her and pouring it down his throat he felt his focus slowly return and he knew that now was the time to ask of her something that she would be unwilling to give.
"I know you said that you would help me, but I am forced to ask something more."
Seeing as she was paying attention to his words, he decided to move on.
"In the past I was considered powerful and I had no need to rely on anyone. Now, I am aware of my flaws and it is not easy for me to admit this but I need you."
Swallowing the pride and the whispers that kept on trying to persuade him that he didn't need her, he was almighty and everyone should bow and be judged before him, he ignored it and with an unsteady breath and a clear look he continued.
"Before, my magic commanded loyalty, it relished in the loyalty of others, yet I had no need for it. I was never in a position to be loyal to anyone. I was there to fight the cause on my own because of my duty to the people who were not as strong and pride that I felt. My magic needed to show its strength to place fear and unwavering loyalty in those who dare defy me."
As another breath entered he forced himself to divert his gaze and stare out the window into the night lit by a full moon. The wistful note in his voice emerged and he strained to hold back emotions that were slowly emerging.
"I can promise that I will aspire to do what is right and not to harm you in any way. I will try to look beyond just the next step and not be blinded by my need for resolution."
Turning to look back at her, Merlin noticed that she has moved towards the bed and placed herself there, not looking at him but sensing that he still had her full attention. Taking a moment to look at this woman who is slowly but surely bringing him out on a path that can be only considered as uncertain but justified, he realized that there was no need for him to hold back, for he didn't need anything to tell him how important she was. So this promise fell easily of his lips, but the question left him in turmoil.
"Here and now, I promise you my loyalty, I will always consider your opinion as if it was my own. But now, I must ask of you what I have taken but never deserved."
She turned and focused her gaze on Merlin. Despite the storm of emotion that reflected in her eyes, he needed this from her.
"I am asking for your trust and loyalty. I do not know how all this will play out, but I need to know I can count on you, no matter how complicated things seem to get. Can you give me that, Morgana?"
-oo-
In this time people do not have the luxury to dwell on how a person receives them. Now it isn't just a question of a person's trust and commitment to a cause. Most of the time money takes care of that problem. What she has learned by being a part of royalty is that everything can be influenced. They can be manipulated like puppets on a string. She had seen it with her own eyes, when under influence of the mightier hand people can crumble.
Standing up Morgana slowly moved to stand beside Merlin and let her gaze fall on the courtyard, among the commoners walking in the hurry trying to finish their daily jobs before the dead of night. He had asked for her loyalty. It isn't a normal request, for she knows that their brief companionship is laced with underlining meanings and cautious movement towards a fragile trust. Yet now he had asked for her loyalty.
She looked down on him and saw that he still held his gaze where she had been when he asked the question, by the bed. If it was anyone else and the predicament was different she would have blushed at the intimate setting, but now her mind was wrapped in a dizzying twist trying to entangle the newest riddle passed on by the man beside her.
"When my past brought me to this castle and under Uther's care, I felt obliged to be loyal to a man that took care of me when I had no one left."
His eyes met hers and it made her take in a shaky breath trying to calm herself, for the intense look in his eyes had her feeling as if she ran from the stables to her room. Her heart had somehow mirrored her heads turmoil and still she felt that it wasn't for the same reason. Despite all that she continued.
"As the years passed and I busied myself by attending court and seeing the anguish in which some of the residents of Camelot lived, I felt the need to help and try to ease some of the suffering they found themselves in. The time passed and as I connected with this place and its people I felt loyalty towards Camelot and what it represented at a time. A sanctuary for the lost."
Seeing him swallow and look down towards the ground, she felt that perhaps she had said something which troubled him. The need to make it right was overwhelming but she needed to stand her ground and make the point clear.
"But after all this time I have also found a petty king, so obsessed in his ways that he left his own people live in fear and tremor, wondering who could be named a sorcerer next while waiting for their doom. Even though he took care of me, I didn't feel the loyalty that I once felt for him. The need wasn't present anymore, just hurt by his arrogant actions."
After taking a small pause to smile at Merlin, she sat herself next to him and leaned against the wall with her gaze on the nearby candle that he observed not too long ago.
"I know you had been hurt in the past and that you carry it with you even to this day. It is a hurt that runs deep, but it will also make what I have to say difficult for you to hear."
He looked as guarded as she felt when she met him. This needed to be said, he needed to comprehend that sometimes you need to place trust in people and for that trust to pay off, before you can be loyal to someone. So still she tried to convey that she had no intention of betraying him or hurting him further.
"How about we first start with trust, trust among friends and see how it goes. No matter how badly I want to give you my loyalty I simply cannot find it in me to completely be open with a person I just met and I hope that our bond can with time be also a bond of loyalty. That is what I promise you."
He still looked troubled, somehow in a desperate need of guidance, but she knew not everything that moves fast can be in a good direction. A breather is needed to assess what they have and how to move further and she knows they can accomplish that.
"You have given me your loyalty but I do not need it. I feel secure by simply trusting you and I need you to do the same Merlin. So how about it?"
Even as a passive gaze swept over her, she knew she made the right decision. After a moment of silence he finally smiled in agreement, and she could feel his posture relax beside her, their shoulders touching.
"Well, it would seem that I will have to earn that place in your heart. I find it hard not to have my sentiment returned, but I will manage. Powerful warlock and all. As long as you keep me on the right path I will not be far away from you Morgana."
The smile quickly turned into a boyish grin and she had to wonder how he can switch between these two almost different personalities. One that was a result of all the time spent in that dark cave and the other that was truly him, that shone through in these rare moments of truth despite everything and it gave her hope. Turning to fully face him she his smile and decided that she really doesn't mind having to sift through all this just to get to know him.
"I do not need you far away from me. I need you right here, alongside me," she assured him. "So what do we do about your plan to undermine Uther's reign?"
As they smiled at each other and turned forward with their smiles still in place he responded.
"I think I can come up with something, my lady."
She quickly corrected him though.
"Not my lady, Merlin. Morgana is fine."
She could almost feel as if she couldn't stretch her smile anymore from the giddiness that welled up in her, as he softly replied.
"Morgana."
Yes, it was more than fine.
-oo-
A/N: One of the reasons I started this story was because I wanted to play with the familiar themes from the show and see how it would play out with the role reversal between Merlin and Morgana. Virtual cookies to you if you can guess which scene from the show inspired this chapter :)
