CHAPTER 9: HOSPITAL – Shuichi is horrified to hear that Eiri has been taken ill, and his first impulse is to rush to his side. Meanwhile, Ayaka blames herself for her husband's condition, but Eiri's thoughts are elsewhere…
Quick note - just to say thank you to all who are reading. This chapter is a good example of why I had so much fun writing this. I have always loved the parallel universe / alternative history scenario where things are different but still connected to real events, so that you can see the possibility of the original events within the alternate ones. Hope you enjoy it...
I don't understand anything anymore… myself least of all…
Shuichi frowned as he looked at himself in the dressing-room mirror. Why couldn't he be more excited? Why wasn't he bouncing off the walls with happiness? Sakuma Ryuichi himself had requested Bad Luck to perform with Nittle Grasper on Hit Stage! It was a dream come true!
Instead I'm just plain scared.
He supposed he had a right to be nervous, but this felt different. There was an icy feeling deep down in his belly.
I'm not good enough. That's what it is. I know I'm not good enough.
He couldn't tell the others. They'd say it was nerves or make him practise yet again. They wouldn't understand. Even Hiro couldn't understand.
All the same, he was looking forward to seeing Sakuma-san again. If there was one person who really could understand, it might just be him...
Who are you kidding? Why would he waste his time?
But there had been something between them… hadn't there? Ryuichi had been so kind that day from hell when even Hiro had turned against him… there had been understanding in that friendly gaze… there had been empathy…
It was like looking in a mirror – and seeing a reflection of what I might become. What I believed I could become. There was so much I believed in back then…
"Shuichi-san…" A nervous female voice awoke him.
"Misako-chan!" Shuichi turned in surprise. "What are you doing up here? Did you want to watch the rehearsal? Hey, what's wrong?"
The little receptionist edged uncertainly into the room. "Shindou-san… I… listen… you promise you won't say anything? I mean, maybe it's not that important to you, and I know it's wrong of me to listen to gossip, but I… I… the thing is, I heard Aunty Kiku talking to my mum this morning about how Seguchi–san had to leave for Kyoto first thing, and well… I'd heard… well... that you and... I'd heard you were pretty close..."
"Close? Close to who?" Shuichi stared at her with a growing sense of anxiety. "Misako-chan… what's happened…?"
The long trip on the motorbike was like a never-ending nightmare. Shuichi rested his head against Hiro's back and closed his eyes, fighting down waves of nausea.
It's my fault, it's all my fault, all my fault, all my fault…
The words ran through his head like some pulsating club rhythm.
I threw that book into the fountain, I said I hated him, I said I wished I'd never met him, I was so angry at Yuki, I couldn't get past that, I didn't know how to get past that, I was so angry, I felt so betrayed, it hurt so much, but it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter now because if anything happens to Yuki I'll die, I'll die, I'll die…
He shook his head to clear it, but as soon as he closed his aching eyes once more the rhythm began again.
It doesn't matter, none of it matters, it doesn't matter if Yuki doesn't love me, it doesn't matter if he hates me now, I don't care if he never speaks to me again, I don't care as long as he's okay, so please, God, please let him be okay…
Shuichi could hardly believe it when they finally pulled up in front of the hospital. "Are we really here?"
"Looks like it," Hiro told him with a faint smile as he pulled off his helmet, and then began to tug at Shuichi's. "You don't want to go in wearing that – you'll probably frighten the crap out of the poor guy. Go on, I'll wait for you out here."
But Shuichi did not move at once. His heart was thumping hard and he felt a little dizzy.
Yuki. In a moment I'm going to see Yuki.
He felt as nervous as he had the night he had gone to Yuki's flat just after his concert. Up until then, on their previous meetings, he had been in too bad a temper to worry about what sort of reception he would get, or even why he wanted to see the writer so badly. Even when Yuki had mocked him, claiming he knew Shuichi was in love with him, it hadn't seemed quite real. But that night… he had known he was going to the one he loved… and was hoping… dreaming… of ending the night in his arms.
And now? What now? Yuki was married. Maybe he would be angry at Shuichi for turning up. Maybe his whole family would be there, even Uesugi-san. Maybe those malicious rumours about Yuki having mistresses weren't true and he had really learned to care for Ayaka…
"Hey." Hiro patted him on the shoulder. "Go on. You've come all this way."
"Yeah." Shuichi drew in a deep breath. "Thanks, Hiro…"
"For what?"
"For not telling me I'm an idiot."
Hiro shrugged. "It was a nice night for a ride…"
Shuichi glanced over to the flower stall outside the hospital. "Hey, do you think I should get him some flowers? How about pink? That'd really piss him off!"
A moment later, carrying a large bunch of pink orchids, Shuichi made his way quietly through the hospital corridors. All it had taken to find Yuki's room was his autograph on the back of a hospital canteen menu for the giggling young receptionist and promise to send her tickets when the Bad Luck tour came this way.
But just as he was about to knock on the door, he heard a familiar voice echoing the words which had taunted him all the way from Tokyo.
"It's my fault… all my fault…"
Ayaka. That was Ayaka.
"Ayaka, no-one's blaming you… Eiri, for god's sake say something!"
That was Mika.
"Forget about it." The sound of Yuki Eiri's deep tones sent shivers through Shuichi's body. "It wasn't your fault. I've been overdoing it… it wouldn't have made any difference if you'd been there."
"I still shouldn't have left!" Ayaka was now in tears.
"Look, I said it wasn't your fault." Yuki again, sounding impatient as usual. Some things never changed. "It's like I was saying to Mika. It was too late, that's all…"
The sound of Ayaka weeping pitifully.
Shuichi looked down at the flowers. He couldn't do it. He just couldn't do it. He couldn't walk in there right now and turn everything upside down. Yuki was right. It was too late.
Ayaka drew in a deep, shaky breath and wiped at her eyes. Eiri gazed up at her impassively from the bed and could think of nothing to say to her.
A bleeding ulcer. Serious, but not fatal. Good. He didn't want to die… at least not before he'd finished that damn book, even if it really would eat him alive.
"Wh-what did you mean just now - ?" Ayaka asked him haltingly, "a-about it being too late?"
Eiri sighed softly. "I think you know," he said. "Better than anyone. I think you've always known." He hesitated, lowering his eyes. "For what it's worth… I'm... I'm sorry."
He watched with lingering detachment as Ayaka buried her face in his lap and began to cry. After a moment, however, he managed to reach out a hand and absently stroke her long hair.
As Ayaka's sobs gradually subsided, Eiri closed his eyes.
He was here. Eiri could feel it. He was definitely close by. In spite of himself, he felt a rush of pleasure that could not be ignored. He wanted to see him. He wanted to, damn it. He needed to. He didn't care what the others said.
He opened his eyes as he heard soft footsteps, glancing across at the worried face of his sister as she and her husband returned with the coffee they had retreated to buy. Looking up at the same time, Ayaka wiped her tear-stained cheeks. "I think I'd like to go home now," she said with fragile dignity.
"I'll drive you, Ayaka-san," Tohma offered, but Eiri's wife shook her head.
"No. Thank you, Seguchi-san. It's not far for me… and I'd like to get some fresh air."
"Ayaka…!" Mika watched her sister-in-law depart before turning to glare at her brother. "Eiri…!"
He ignored her. "That coffee smells good… did you get me any?"
"Eiri, for god's sake…" Mika was off again. Telling him a change of scene would do him good. Saying that he needed to work at his marriage. Hadn't she heard a word of what he'd said to her that evening? Now she was suggesting leaving Japan – that talk of moving back to Tokyo must really have put the wind up her. She was suggesting he try Europe… or America…
"Yeah," Eiri said when he could muster the energy, "how about New York?"
Tohma caught his glance, and then looked away in confusion. Eiri could almost feel the quick workings of his mind. He had kept noticeably quiet through all of this, probably reluctant to interfere in family matters. But when it came to matters outside the family…
"Where is he?" Eiri demanded suddenly.
Both Mika and Tohma looked at him blankly. "Who, Eiri-san?" Tohma asked.
"The little idiot. The brat. What's happened to him? Did you scare him off?"
"If you mean Shindou-san," Tohma said with convincing innocence, "I believe he's still in Tokyo!"
"Are you feeling funny?" Mika clapped a hand anxiously to Eiri's brow, then glanced anxiously at her husband.
Eiri watched them both through narrowed eyes. "Forget it. It's probably the medication."
"I still say this is a bad idea, Eiri," Mika complained as she steered the wheelchair out of the ward, pushing him back down when he tried to get out of it. "You're supposed to be resting!"
"I can rest at home," her brother grunted. "This place is even more depressing than Dad's temple. Look, I'm letting you and Ayaka fuss over me for a few days. You can even ration the coffee, booze and fags. Enjoy it while it lasts."
"As far as Ayaka goes, you'll be lucky if she doesn't poison your food," Mika answered sourly.
"If all I'm going to be allowed is boiled vegetables and rice, she's welcome to try… it might even improve the flavour…"
"Eiri…!"
"If you don't want to drive me home, I'll call Tohma and tell him to take me straight back to Tokyo. I'm sure he'd do it if I asked," Eiri declared with deliberate malice.
"Arsehole," Mika muttered under her breath. For the most part, Tohma's bond with Eiri had been a relief to her; since New York, he had remained one of the few people Eiri might actually open up to – and one of the very few who could still influence him for the good. But there were times, much as she loved Eiri, that his presuming on the obligation – and the love – her husband still felt to him, made her quite furious.
Seguchi Tohma might have a mind as sharp as a knife but he couldn't hide from her. She knew only too well the trouble he had bailed Eiri out of on numerous occasions, thinking that his wife remained blissfully ignorant. He had largely stayed out of Eiri's troubles of late because there was very little he could do without being seen to be interfering in matters private to the Uesugi and Usami families. He could be what he had been since he and Eiri had first met – a devoted and non-judgemental friend.
Sometimes in the past Tohma had been too pre-emptive, chasing off overeager girlfriends or otherwise rescuing Eiri before he was actually in danger, and then Eiri would bite back, but never with enough force to make a mark. One day Eiri might find just how powerful Tohma's protective instincts could be, and he would not like the results.
At the moment, however, even Tohma was not having much luck with Eiri - from what her husband had told her, he too had found Eiri colder and more uncommunicative than ever since his marriage.
"Good-bye, Uesugi-san," chirped the plump little student-nurse on the reception desk, smiling shyly at Eiri as he and Mika came past, "I – uh – I don't suppose you'd – uh – " She held out a copy of one of his novels.
"That's enough of that, Satsu," admonished the ferocious looking ward sister, bustling over with a face like thunder. But Eiri dropped the old battleaxe in her tracks with one of his most disarming smiles before reaching to take Satsu's book.
"Oh my, what beautiful orchids!" Mika enthused, hiding the smile she could not bite back by almost burying her face in the elegant pink flowers carefully arranged in a vase on the desk.
"Oh, yes!" Satsu cried, "they were a gift from Shindou Shuichi! The lead singer of Bad Luck," she added helpfully, when both Mika and Eiri turned to stare at her in stunned silence.
"I said that's quite enough!" the matron snapped, evidently recovering her wits after Eiri's surprise attack, "what utter nonsense – some scruffy boy with dyed hair gives you flowers and says he's a pop star…"
"It was him!" Satsu insisted with some distress. Apparently this argument had been going on for some time. "He came by the evening after Uesugi-san was admitted, and on the way out again he gave me – well, the hospital – the flowers and said they were compliments of Bad Luck! And he promised to send me and Naduki-chan tickets when the band comes this way on their tour!"
"Then it was probably some silly publicity stunt," Matron declared disdainfully. "Do you really think this Shindou-san person came all the way from Tokyo to deliver a bunch of flowers?"
"Oh no, of course not, he came to visit… oh…!" Satsu suddenly broke off, her eyes growing very wide. She stole a sideways glance at Eiri, turned bright red and then took off down the corridor squeaking something about having forgotten to pick up someone's notes from endoscopy.
"Girls today," grumbled Matron, scowling after the girl with her hands on her broad hips.
Mika ignored her. In a daze she looked down at her brother; but he didn't return her gaze. He was lost in his own world, a quiet but unmistakably contented little smile upon his lips.
TBC: Ayaka is a woman on a mission! While she works to make up for what she regards as her mistake, Hiro struggles to deal with his feelings for her…
