Hello! I'm here. This chapter marks the first of two in which we'll find out more about Damon, and his take on everything that's going on. A certain very important flashback from his point of view as well as some excerpts from the aforementioned journals of his.
I tried really hard not to make Damon OOC (not the easiest thing to do when also trying to make a story of him in a romantic setting, let me tell you), I hope you'll like what came out of this.
So, since I'm sure you all really want to get on with reading I won't delay you further. Enjoy! (and please, don't forget to review, I appreciate your opinions, and I would really like to know if you like my portrayal of Damon).
P.S. Please, don't hate Damon.
Chapter 8. The Dark Angel's Journals
August 2005
My name is Damon Salvatore, son of Giuseppe Salvatore, deserter of the Confederate Army, vampire for the past 141 years, I was turned at age 23. I have a younger brother named Stefan, who's been a vampire for as long as I, except he was turned when he had just turned 18. In a way, it is my fault that he is what he is.
And here I am, writing in this journal, not sure why I'm doing that actually. As far as I'm concerned journals are a waste of time and space, a way for the pathetic humans to try and not forget things they consider important. I always thought it was stupid, and yet here I am, doing that very thing.
It's all her fault, she's making me lose my mind, do things I would never do, like sticking around here, or any place really, for more than a couple of weeks. But no, I've actually been coming more and more often in the last decade, and in the last year I've been around so often that I practically live here already.
What's wrong with that? Some would ask. Nothing except the fact that I totally hate this heaven-forsaken town! Here I lost every single thing that was ever of any value to me, like my mother, my brother, my lover, my future, my own life…and so much more.
It's all because of her. Because of that sweet, caring, clever, fiery, willful, beautiful…did I just write that? I guess I did, and I guess she is. So beautiful, inside and out. She's also a child, innocent and pure, too pure for a creature of darkness such as I…
Her name is Bonnie Bennett, dubbed by me the Little Witch, she's Emily's heiress.
I knew Emily when she lived, almost a century and a half ago, I knew she was a witch, and we made a deal, if she saved the woman I loved I would protect her lineage. I've been doing that ever since and yet, never before had I visited any Bennett witch more than once or twice in their lives; I already lost count of the times I've visited her.
Of course, if I dislike this so much I could just leave, maybe I should…and yet I know I would never be able to leave her. She's become so important to me, such a vital and irreplaceable part of my life. I'll stay around for as long as I possibly can, as long she'll have me. I don't know what would be of my life without her…and that scares me.
Damon closed the journal almost violently, he could hardly believe that he'd ever sounded that way, and yet as he read the entry he could remember it clearly, as if the memory had just come out from the fog, the night he had written that:
***Flashback***
He was sitting in Tituba Bennett's study, leather-bound journal before him and a pen in hand. Though, thus far, only the date was written down.
"You know, I never pinned you for the diary-writing type." The olive-eyed witch commented as she laid a cup of tea on the desk, right next to Damon.
"Are you gonna leave me alone any time soon?" Damon asked without turning around.
"Maybe." She answered cheekily. "I still want to know something first, though. Why exactly are you doing this?"
"And what, is this?" Damon inquired, finally turning to her. "Being in your home? Spending time with your granddaughter? Sticking around Mystic Falls? Trying to write something in this damned journal?"
"All of those." Tituba declared. "Though, as far as the first two are concerned, you're doing that because I'm allowing it; because, somehow, I trust you won't try to kill me or my grandbaby the moment we let our guard down."
"You know I made a deal with Emily…" Damon began in a monotone.
"Deals can be broken." Tituba interrupted him. "And yes, I know perfectly well you're a man of your word."
"Kind 'a hard when I'm not a man, witch." Damon pointed out, adding the expletive as a way of pointing out that if he wasn't human, in a way neither was she.
"Living or Undead, Human or Vampire, it doesn't change that you're a man, and one who honors his word." Tituba explained calmly, not reacting in the least to his half-insult. "But still, I believe this is about more than just the deal you made with my ancestor. No, you honestly don't wish for anything bad to happen to us."
Damon refused to say a single word more on the topic, and it was that no matter what he would have said it would have hurt him anyway; either he was an uncaring bastard who shouldn't be trusted, or he was so stupid as to be considering two people who, by all rights, should be his mortal enemies, as the closest thing he'd had to friends in more than a century. Yes, no way he would admit to either of those.
"You actually like being around Bonnie, don't you?" She wasn't willing to let the matter go.
"If not feeling the need to kill her can qualify for liking her…" Damon mocked.
He knew he was just bluffing, he'd never been able to so much as think about hurting Bonnie, not even when she'd been a mere months old baby.
And Tituba knew too, if the sparkle in her eyes was any clue.
"Anyway," It was finally she who changed the subject. "It was my understanding that all vampires had perfect recall. Why then would you want to write down your memories?"
'For her. Because even if my memory is perfect, hers isn't, and the day might come when she might doubt some of the things we've been through, or someone will make her doubt them; this way there'll be a truthful record of everything that's happened ever since I met her, every meeting we've had. Also, if the day comes when she finds out what I am, and decides then she no longer wants me by her side; if that day comes, the truth of what happened will still be here, no one will be able to distort it…the proof will always be here, right here.'
It was until he exited his musings that Damon suddenly realized he was all alone in the study, the Bennett matron nowhere to be found.
Then, realizing just what he'd been thinking, the real reason why he was doing this, a reason that just an hour before he hadn't been able to admit even to himself, he began to write.
***End of Flashback***
Damon read through the journals at vampire speed. Though the first entry in the diary marked a date just five years prior, it began with a recollection of the several meetings he'd had with Bonnie before that.
One of them, which held one of the greatest surprises, regarded something that had actually happened after the date when he had begun that journal, a little over a year later actually:
October 2006
She knows now, she knows what I am. I finally told her. For so long I had been fearing this day, I know, how ridiculously weak of me, to fear the reaction of a mere human girl. But truth is, she's so much more than that, and I'd a hard time just imagining the worst case scenario, the worst reaction she could have; the mere idea of her rejection hurt me, deeply, and yet…and yet I could have never imagined what actually happened…
***Flashback***
She was sitting under a tree by the creek in Their Meadow, practicing combining elements. She was so perseverant, never giving up when something went wrong during her practices, and she was advancing so fast, he felt really proud.
He just stood there, in the shadows of a tall tree, watching her, until her voice suddenly brought him out of his musings.
"I know you're there."
"Yeah, I was coming…" he began as he entered the meadow.
"You've been standing in the same spot for the last five minutes." She pointed out fatly.
He felt the momentary desire to retort something, but it went away as quickly as it came, as funny as it may be for him to find her acting so much like him, he was in that moment a bit 'preoccupied' with other matters.
"What's the problem?" she questioned, it was funny how she could do that, knowing when something was wrong with him, without him even looking at her.
He briefly considered telling her it was nothing and just continue the day as if it'd effectively been nothing; after all, it wasn't like she actually needed to know what he was, right? They had spent so long without her knowing, they could continue that way…Except he wanted her to know, he didn't want to keep lying to her.
He wanted to have someone he could trust completely, in a way he'd never trusted anyone, not even when he was still human…it may have been a weakness, but that didn't change that it was what he wanted. He just hated that this wasn't something he could just take, this time he would actually have to earn it, and he didn't know if he could…
"There's something important I need to tell you." He finally explained.
"Alright." She turned her whole attention onto him.
He spend the next several seconds berating himself in every language he knew, he really had to be the worst kind of idiot to believe he had a chance to actually have someone accept him. It just wasn't possible; there was a reason why he had been alone for more than a century…
So he just gave up, just like that. He would tell her, he knew he owed her that much, he just would resign himself already to her rejection, it was easier that way; at least then he wouldn't have to deal with crushed hopes afterwards.
"I'm a vampire." He announced suddenly.
There it was, now she could scream, or attack him, whichever she chose, and he could go back to existing in the shadows; this fantasy of an actual life had gone on for so long, too long.
"That's it?"
"Excuse me?"
He was confused, she was still there, looking at him, her eyes seemed to be almost laughing at him, but why? Was she making fun of him? This was one reaction he hadn't been counting on.
"No, I don't excuse you." She replied in a mocking tone. "I thought something grave was really going on."
Really grave? He was about to lose everything he had, everything he'd never before admitted to wanting, and she thought that wasn't bad enough?!
"Really." She insisted, drawing her legs closer to her. "Is that what has been eating at you? I already knew. Have known for a while actually."
"How?" He demanded, who had told her?
As she began explaining to him all the little details, all the clues that had made her see the truth, he could hardly believe it. He knew he was at ease with her, but never imagined he could be letting his guard that low, for her to notice so much; there was also the fact of how clever she was. But what was actually shocking wasn't the fact that she had seen all that, but that even after seeing it, after knowing what it meant, she was still there. But why?
"You know what I am, a vampire, a bloodsucking monster. And yet there you stand, looking at me as if I were your best friend…" He honestly didn't understand her.
"Because you are! You'll always be my best friend!" There was such devotion in her voice…
"I'm a murderer! A monster! That's what I am. How can you trust me?" Was she insane?!
"Because I know you would never hurt me." She declared softly yet confidently.
"You don't know that." No, she couldn't know, especially when not even he knew.
And suddenly she was there, right in front of him, hair moved to the side and her head tilted sideways, for all intents and purposes defying him to bite her.
"I trust you." She stated seriously. "I have since the first time I saw you, when I was five; and I'll continue trusting you till the day I die. I don't believe you to be a monster, a vampire you may be, but never a monster. That's my belief, and I'll hold onto it. If you wanna prove to me you're monster, there's only one way you'll be able to do that. Bite me now, kill me."
So many emotions went through his mind in a second, and he was suddenly conscious of the beating of his heart, quickening with each one: shock, fear, self-hate, respect, love?
Suddenly he couldn't handle it anymore, his knees stopped supporting him and he fell to the ground, her Armani jeans were getting dirty but he didn't care, he cared about nothing but the miracle that was taking place in that very moment: she knew the truth, knew he was nothing more than a bloodsucking monster, and even then she wanted to stay with him. And then he felt her embrace, and he could barely hold his strength in check as he embraced her back.
He decided then she'd been wrong all along, between the two she was the one who was an angel, his very own angel in the hell that for the longest time he'd seen his existence as.
He felt so much at peace in that very moment, like he never had before, not since he was a seven year old boy at least…she had just given him back a part of himself he'd known he'd been missing, yet never imagined how much of a difference it'd be. In that very moment he was filled by an emotion totally knew, and absolutely wonderful, he felt: content…
***End of Flash***
Yes, she truly was an angel…but was she his? Damon didn't want to think about that.
There was so much written in those yellowed pages he could hardly believe it; not just the experiences themselves, but his own thoughts and emotions on them as well. At first he thought he had to be crazy, if anyone were to read that journal they would believe him to be in love with the Little Witch; and then, he realized something that baffled him: He was in love with her. Not just in that past he couldn't consciously remember, but as the memories slowly reassembled in his mind he began embracing it all, accepting it as reality. It was so easy, to love her, as if a part of him had always known that was the way things should be. But then, what about Katherine?
And then he reached a certain part in the second to last journal:
July 2007
She confessed her feelings for me today. I actually didn't see it coming. How could I be so blind, I honestly don't know; it's all so clear now: The shy, sometimes sly looks she would direct to me from time to time, the way she tended to stare, the shivers that went through her body every time I invaded her personal space, her flushed face…
It seems so obvious now, and yet for the longest time I didn't realize it. And yet, none of that changes things in the slightest, she can't love me, a girl so beautiful, so pure, so full of light can't possibly love a monster like me…
Damon furrowed his brow, he hated how he sounded so much like St. Stefan in those journals. And yet it wasn't exactly like that, he realized. He wasn't self-sacrificing, not in the least, he didn't drink from animals but from humans; he was a vampire, and proud of it, he enjoyed the Power he had being a creature of the night. He never tried to be something he was not, never pretended to live as something he wasn't.
And yet, knowing and accepting his own nature as he did, he could also see Bonnie's nature. He could see that despite being a witch, she was still so innocent, so sweet, she was a pure creature, and deserved so much more than what he could ever offer her.
In conclusion, he had no regrets of what he was, he just regretted not being able to be the right one for her. Still, there was nothing he could do about that, or so he thought, until another memory broke into his mind:
***Flashback***
"I love you." She told him.
He would have laughed, would have asked her what the punch line was; if only he hadn't seen her eyes, the fire there, the seriousness there, she wasn't joking…
"What?" So shocked he was, his mind couldn't even process what he had just heard.
"I love you." She repeated. "I'm in love with you."
"That's impossible." He told her right away. "You cannot love me."
"And why is that?" She challenged him, the fire in her eyes burning brighter. "And what do you even mean with that? That I can't love, or that I can't love you specifically?"
"Either, both." He hissed.
Never in his life had he felt so nervous, hopeful and close to terrified at the same time; which might be why he didn't realize he wasn't making much sense in that moment.
"Please Little Witch, you're just a child, you cannot know what love is." He said dismissively.
"I told you before I'm no longer little." She retorted, almost offended. "I am fourteen-years-old and, for your information, lots of guys have shown interest in me. Like Brian, from a grade ahead of me, he asked me to have lunch with him yesterday, and a couple of guys from the basketball team invited me to go with them to the movies on Saturday."
"I hope you were bright enough to tell them all to go to hell." He grumbled.
"Of course, but that's so not the point." Bonnie retorted. "The point is, they show interest in me, they don't think I'm a little girl anymore. Why then do you insist on seeing me as one?"
"Because that's what you are, what you'll always be to me!" He practically screamed at her.
"That cannot be the truth." She kept insisting, there was a trace of what could almost be defined as despair in her voice. "Please…"
He didn't like hearing her like that, but he also couldn't allow her to continue yearning for something that he had already decided simply couldn't be. He had to make her understand it would never happen, sure, it would hurt her at first, but she would move on. She was young, and human, eventually she would find someone else, she would move past him; though he didn't think he would ever think anyone was good enough for her.
"Dark Angel…" She called.
Her voice reached him, along with a shadow of her magic, it was almost like an invisible caress, and he knew he had to stop her, before he could no longer stop himself.
"Besides, I am already in love." He announced. "I love Katherine, always have, always will."
That definitely stopped the Little Witch in her tracks.
"Katherine?" She asked in a strangled voice. "The vampire? But I thought she was dead…"
"She isn't." Damon informed her, all the while keeping his back to her. "She was saved from the Church as it burnt. Emily, your ancestor, saved her for me. She's still alive, though sealed, in a tomb underneath the ruins of Fell's Church."
"Alive?" The girl's voice was barely above a whisper.
"Yes." He continued. "Well, not technically since, you know, she's a vampire. But she still exists. One day I'm going to find someone to help me release her. I need a witch you know, a powerful witch, to be able to cast the right spell so I can get her out."
There was a smell of salt in the air, salt water, tears, the Little Witch was crying; he almost felt like staking himself, after everything he had been doing the past decade to protect her, now he was the one hurting her. But he had to, he had to make her desist of the insane idea of wanting to be with him, of believe he could be loved.
"I'll do it."
Now that he definitely wasn't expecting.
"What?!" He cried out.
He spun around to face her, to search her face, trying to understand what had made her say such a thing so suddenly. What he found hurt him worse than any vervain or even a stake ever could. Her eyes looked puffy, making it obvious she was crying, but she had dried the tears from her cheeks, and was holding many more back, her mouth was in a tight line and her expression as a whole had blanked, very much like he did.
As a side thought, in that moment he really hated that she learnt things from him, especially things that made it impossible for him to read her, he needed to read her, to understand…
"I said I'll do it." She explained. "I know I'm probably not powerful enough right now for a spell of that magnitude, but if you give me time I'll study, I'll get better. Grams says I'll reach my magical maturity when I turn eighteen, that'll be in three years and a half; also, around that time a comet will pass, I'm sure if I can channel its energy it'll help me, after all, other witches have used the powers of the stars before."
"You don't know what you're talking about." He tried to insist.
"Oh, but I do." She assured him. "If you really want her back, you need not look for a witch; just give me time. Also, be sure to be around here when the comet comes so you can get her."
Before he could say anything else she turned her own back on him and left.
She left him standing there, in the middle of the meadow, of Their Meadow, with not a single word of goodbye, not even a kiss in the cheek like she used to give him every day; he never imagined he would one day miss so much such a little gesture.
He realized something in that moment. He blew it. True, he was doing what he believed was best for her, but the only thing he'd actually managed to do was hurt her, and himself in the process. He kept telling himself how it was all worth it, how she was worth it. But what if he was wrong? What if she truly loved him? What if he could truly be loved…?
***End of Flashback***
Damon was brought out of his memories by the sound of a car parking before the house. He didn't need to look out the window to see who it was, he could feel her, in some deep, previously unnoticed corner of himself. A part of his mind also considered the possibility of her being able to feel him the same way, and he knew he had to leave, right away.
Even when he had called her 'Dark Angel' again, he had no idea where she stood regarding all that madness; he had no idea of where He stood…he needed to know everything, he needed to make a decision, before facing her again.
Since time was of essence, and he had already read most of the journals anyway, he decided to only take the last one with him. And so he did, stepping out the backdoor less than a second before the Little Witch went through the front.
And say you'll hold
A place for me
In your heart.
