DISCLAIMER: I own nothing
A/N: Okay so I took the sadness notch and rose it! We now have some progression though... So I hope you enjoy!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Penelope looked at her hands. She sat listening to Derek make her a drink. She sat listening to everything other than her breaking heart. She wanted to cry, but she was begging herself not to in front of Derek.
"Here," He said as he put a cup of tea in front of her, "I've got something stronger if you want it?" He offered, not knowing quite what to give her.
"No this is fine," She said as her hands wrapped around it and she looked up. "Thanks." She whispered and her gaze dropped down to the table top.
"Want to talk about it?" He asked her cautiously as he sat by her.
"Talk about what exactly?" She asked and looked up at him and felt herself snap, "How my life is like hell? How even after everything, I couldn't even have this baby? That that got taken from me too?" Penelope asked Derek as though he held every answer. "Talk about how I hate that way you look at me with the same look that I was the biggest mistake of your life?"
"You are not the biggest mistake of my life, Penelope. You could never be that," Derek jumped in automatically staking his claim on how he viewed her.
"Look what I did to you, Derek. No well deserving woman does that to the man she confesses she loves with her entire heart. No woman does that to someone like you. Not when they're lucky to even have you in their life."
Derek felt his heart constrict in his chest.
"Maybe," She started and paused, "Maybe I deserved this." She spoke and looked up at him, "For allowing Kevin back, for doing that to you. Everything that's happened, it seems to make sense that it's what I deserve."
"Penelope, you can't believe that."
Finally the tears fell freely, "If I hadn't had been sucked in we wouldn't be at this point, Derek. I would've still have been living here, planning our wedding." Penelope put her elbows to the table and ran her hands through her hair roughly, "If only I could remember," she ground out in a half sob.
She felt Derek's hand moved towards her and she sat up before he could touch her, "I can't do this to you anymore." She said and stood up, "I can't run back to you and have you here with me. I can't." Penelope sobbed, her body becoming alive, her hands shaking violently. "Me being here... it can't be good."
"I want you here," He told her and stood up. He couldn't deny what he was really feeling and the last thing he wanted was Penelope to leave.
"And as much as I want to be here - with you - I can't put myself in that place. I can't love you like I do, because it just hurts to know that I ruined us. I was so happy with my life, and after one night I ruined it. I hurt you so bad and that was never my intention. I don't even love Kevin; I don't know how I ended up in bed with him." Penelope said as she felt her mind spin at the torment as she tried to remember how that night happened, "Why can't I remember it?" She asked Derek, almost pleaded with him for an answer. "How did I let that happen to me when it's not what I wanted?"
"I don't know Penelope. I wish I had answers I do," Derek replied, happy that he had kept the bitterness away from his tone.
Penelope bit her quivering lip, "Please, believe me that this was never what I wanted to happen between us. Please, just believe me when I say that that night was a mistake." She wiped her face clear of tears; she wanted Derek's arms to wrap around her body and hold her tight, hold her safe and take away the enormous ache in her heart. "I can't even give you the answers you want because I have no recollection."
As Derek sat and watched Penelope fight with herself, he wondered if she was really the innocent party in it all after all. It might have taken three months, but he was now finally wondering if Kevin had slipped something into her drinks to make her pliable to anything he instigated. Penelope's lack of memory was more than alcohol driven, because having known Penelope for ten years he knew that even when she was at her drunkest her recollection of the previous night's events still came back in waves and flashes. He had been so driven with hurt and hate that he hadn't answers given the moment the right clarity it needed. Now, however, he had every need to hunt Kevin for answers, but he knew that Penelope needed him more than ever.
Penelope began to pace then, her mind rallying over so many emotions and thoughts that she didn't know what to do, "I even bought clothes. I've only known a fortnight and I bought clothes," she said as the thoughts raced into her mind heavier and heavier. She was going to have to go home and be brought to reality with what had happened. Penelope had literally started to gather thought and accept that this baby might mark a new beginning. "I started to plan it all and now-" She placed a hand to her stomach, "Why did this all have to happen to me?" She asked Derek sorrowfully, "I love you so much and I can't get passed what happened that night. I can't stop loving you and it hurts to wake up every day and that's my fault. I brought this on myself. I made you hate me, and I made you stop loving me."
"I never stopped loving you, Penelope. I can never stop loving you," He told her truthfully as her held her in his arms. "I still love you, Baby Girl."
"No you don't. You're just saying that because of today." Penelope stopped and looked at him, "I've seen how well you've been getting on with Rachel down in HR. She's a good a match for you. You deserve to move on and find a perfect woman." Penelope smiled weakly, she was trying to divert the conversation but even that didn't hide away her level of pain at that moment. After all, she had felt jealous stab her every time Derek so much as laughed around a woman.
Derek shook his head, "I'm not ready to replace you, Penelope. I can't do that," He told her truthfully. He was done running; he was done trying to convince the world that he was over Penelope when all he ever wanted was her back home with him again, getting ready to build their future together.
"But maybe that's what you need to do," She told him painfully, "Maybe then we could both move on from this life we had together." She ducked her head then, her mind flashing up horrible scenarios. Derek loving another woman. A woman who got the touches, the kisses, the sweet nothings that she had gotten for years. A woman that would love him forever and forever. All the while she wanted the floor to swallow her whole and just end her life for her here and now.
"Because that isn't what either of us want or need," Derek told her simply.
Watching her dissolve into a new flood of tears, he knew this wasn't going to her any good. He knew he needed to get her to bed and get her the rest that the doctor had told them was vital for Penelope to get right now. However, as he watched her slip to floor, he got down with her and pulled her tight to his chest, immediately feeling her tears soaking into his chest through his top. He soothed her the best he could, calmed her, kissed her hair, lavished the moment between them.
"Where do we go from here?" Penelope asked in a quiet tone, her head still against Derek's chest after she had calmed down a little. "What happens now?"
"We start again I guess," He said and kissed into her head again, refusing to let her go.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- To Love and Lose -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
