Chapter Nine
Jason
The text message hadn't come at a good time. Kyle seemed insistent they talk, and Jason honestly didn't feel he could put it off any longer. There was no easy way of saying what needed to be said.
Jason had stayed awake until almost dawn after he'd pushed Nelson into leaving. Nelson was right though, he couldn't keep putting Kyle off. Yet the thought of contacting Kyle only had one possible conclusion in his mind- the end of their relationship.
Jason knew it was over. The silence between them said it all. Kyle seemed to distant at Princeton, and the confusion about his bisexuality weighed heavier every day. Sometimes Jason wanted women again, and sometimes he felt disgusted at himself for it.
It was like he couldn't stop himself from getting aroused, but so far the attraction seemed purely sexual. Jason was still pretty sure he was more emotionally attracted to guys.
It was more than sexual confusion, it was the rift that kept growing between them. It had begun on that road trip he now regretted taking.
They'd learned things out in the big wide world alright, and now Jason wanted terribly in vain to unlearn them. It was stuff he'd learned about Kyle, and about himself.
Basically he'd learned they weren't the ideal couple, and that he could hurl words at Kyle, words of anger, and even hateful words. It wasn't that he hated Kyle. Jason never could. It was more a hate that Kyle wasn't the ideal boyfriend his high school brain had created. All the idealisms of his teenage years were quickly becoming past, and with it the certainty that he wanted it to be Kyle forever.
Kyle had a life separate from him now. Kyle was at Princeton while he was still at home. Kyle was going places in life, and it didn't feel like the places he was going.
Months of doubt had finally tore the rift between them wide open, and there was no going back in Jason's mind. It was too much, too late, and Jason now realized he had been slowly letting Kyle go mentally. They weren't meant to be.
It hurt like hell to admit it to himself, but only because he was still attached to an ideal of them together he'd hated to admit wasn't reality.
After all that that thinking he'd slept in until about one o'clock, and woken up to the text. Any appetite he may've had for breakfast was immediately gone. Kyle was right, it was past the time for them to talk, and this was truly going to hurt.
Jason inhaled for courage, stomach twisting almost painfully with emotion as he pressed speed dial. Every ring seemed like slow steps toward some cliff edge.
"Jason?" Kyle asked, picking up.
Jason's heart fluttered with nerves, a feeling of pure sickness settling into his stomach at what had to be done.
"Yeah its me," he replied sadly.
"Jason? Kyle asked, voice full of concern suddenly. "Are you okay?"
"No," Jason replied simply, choking out a sob. "No, I'm not okay."
All he recieved was a heavy inhale from the other end of the line, followed by Kyle's own wracking sob.
"You're doing this," Kyle said simply, voice choked with tears. "You're breaking up with me, aren't you?"
Jason felt like he'd been kicked in the gut, pure bile rising up in his throat.
"Yes," he croaked, hardly capable of getting the words out. "Yes Kyle, I am... "
Kyle sobbed on the other end followed by that drawn out tone indicating his boyfriend had hung up. 'Ex boyfriend'...
Jason wiped at his eyes, finding that he was suddenly a little lighter like he'd lifted some burden off of himself. Wasn't that wrong and selfish? Shouldn't he feel more guilt for breaking Kyle's heart?
Yet part of him felt that for the first time in months he had been honest, and then it all suddenly hit him again- he and Kyle were no more.
Jason felt his entire body shake with emotion, letting out a noise like a wounded animal as he covered his eyes, saturating his palms with fresh tears.
It was to late to take it all back now. It was really over, and he'd completely shattered the heart of the only boy he'd ever loved.
