Chapter 8
I realize now that I was freaking out over nothing like the idiot I am. What was I afraid of? It's not like I'm dating them both and I'm trying to hide it or something. We're all friends here. "Hey, Roxas"
"You guys have met," Vanitas says. He has a weird look on his face as he says this.
Roxas chuckles as he stands and grabs a random t-shirt from off the coffee table. He pulls it over his head as he makes his way over to us. "Yeah, this is the girl I was telling you about—my best friend."
Vanitas grins. It looks even more sinister than usual. "Well," he chuckles. "Coincidentally, this is the girl I was telling you about."
Roxas' eyes go wide as the smile slowly slips off of his face. And now he won't even look at me. "Oh..."
"Yeah..."
Several moments of awkward silence pass, and I start picking with my nails for lack of anything better to do. Maybe I had reason to panic after all. For one, I now know they were discussing me. I just don't know what all they've talked about. Two, they both look like they've been caught with their pants around their ankles.
I awkwardly clear my throat. I'm trying so hard to think of something to say but what? How can I diffuse a situation that A) isn't quite a situation yet and B) makes no sense to me? I honestly thought things couldn't get any worse than yesterday but now here we are: wayyyy worse than yesterday for reasons I don't understand!
"Are we all okay?" I ask slowly.
Suddenly, Roxas look normal again. "Yeah! Yeah, I just, uh..." He flicks his index finger back and forth between Vanitas and I with a curious smile.
Oh.
I get it now.
I sigh deeply. "Yes, Vanitas and I were involved before. But I don't see why we should be weird about it. It's in the past. We're okay."
Roxas looks to Vanitas as if he needs confirmation for something. Thankfully, he nods. "She wouldn't be here if we weren't."
"Okay, great," Roxas says, voice and expression filled with relief. Vanitas doesn't look any better off than before. "Since you're both here, you wanna keep me company while I play?"
"Actually," Vanitas squints with a thin smile. "We won't even be here long. I just stopped by to give her a tour of the house before we head to Walmart."
I thought we weren't going to Walmart, but okay.
"...Sure," Roxas smiles. We can all tell it's plastic. Then, after what feels like an eternity, he finally looks at me. But it's...the way he does it. It's direct freaking eye contact and it's really intense. I feel like someone's trying to pull my skin off of my bones with some kind of freaky telekinesis. "Text me when you get home—let me know you're safe."
I...
Huh.
Hmph.
Mm.
"O-Okay."
I'm sorry, I didn't know what to say. That was a weird thing for him to say, right? Or do friends usually say that to one another and I'm freaking out over nothing again?
The eye contact doesn't last much longer. Soon enough, Roxas is walking back toward the couch and Vanitas is leading me down a hallway with his hand wrapped tightly around my wrist. He's saying something about a kitchen and "the back" but I can't even concentrate.
-.-
Because of what happened earlier (I'm assuming,) the trip to Walmart was pretty lack luster. If I'm being honest, the whole freaking day felt off right after we started the house tour. Vanitas barely said a word to me on the way to Walmart, we only picked up like five items and three of them were types of snacks, and he took the fastest route possible to get me home. The last one probably wouldn't matter to anyone else, but I know him. He only takes the short route home when he's upset.
So now we're sitting in my driveway. I can tell he's waiting for me to get out of the car, but I can't. I can't leave him like this...whatever "this" is. If he's upset with me, he might as well tell me. We've fought through way worse before. This is nothing.
Now I just need to quickly convince myself of that so that I can open my mouth and talk to him.
Just do it. It's literally impossible to hurt him more than you already have.
I swallow hard. I can do this. I—
Oh my gosh. For the first time in my history of knowing him, I feel awkward. I don't know what to say or how to act. I don't like this. I can't be this way with him.
"Are you mad at me?" I blurt.
Vanitas sits back in his seat and sighs. He waits a few seconds, then turns the key to shut the car off. "Damn, since when do you wanna actually talk about stuff?" he smirks.
I decide to annoy him by leaning over to pinch his cheek. If he has it in him to smirk, he's not too upset. That means I can tease him. "Since my best friend taught me how to."
He looks over at me with this tired, ghost of a smile. "Which one?"
Um...what is that supposed to mean exactly?
"You," I say slowly. "Who else would I be talking about?"
Vanitas exhales. He doesn't look happy. I'll even go so far as to say he looks disgusted. But what's the problem? Why doesn't he just say what he's thinking?
"Did you and Roxas sleep together?"
NEVERMIND HE SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT AT ALL!
"What?! V, what would make you think that?"
"Because he looks at you the same way I do, except it's like ten times more intense."
Did you see that? Someone else noticed it! That means I'm not crazy!
I try to collect my thoughts by shaking my head. "No. Roxas and I have never slept together—"
"Have you two done anything together," he presses. "At all?"
Well, since that park accident definitely doesn't count, "No. Why would you even want to know tha—how does he look at me?" I frown.
"He—!" Vanitas makes a vague gesture with his hands, and he looks unbelievably frustrated. "How can you not see that? The guy looks at you like he's in love with you or something!"
"...You think so?" I ask, trying to keep my face and voice as calm as possible.
"Yeah, I think so."
"So that's how you look at me?"
His frustrated frown turns into an angry one. "That's not what I said."
"That's exactly what you said. You said Roxas looks at me the same way you do." He runs a hand through his wild, jet black hair. "V..."
"Get out of my car."
"Vanitas."
He hits his knuckles against the steering wheel hard enough to send a vibration through the entire car. "Get out of my car...before I ask you to stay."
Silence fills the car. I think I know what's going on now. For some reason, the thought makes me tear up. "You're starting to have feelings for me."
Vanitas just chuckles and shakes his head. "Starting to," he mutters almost bitterly.
"Or...they've already been there for a while," I correct myself.
He doesn't look at me, but raises a finger and lazily points it to me. "That one."
I think back to the awkward encounter that we had back at his place and try my hardest to piece things together. "And you're jealous of Roxas."
"I'm not jealous," he snaps. "I just don't like the thought of you two being together in any way."
I press my fingertips together and tuck my hands between my thighs. I'm pretty sure that's what the infamous they would call jealousy, but I can just keep that comment to myself. "You're reading too much into a situation that doesn't exist. There's nothing there. I hate to say it like this, but I don't...like anyone. Not you, and definitely not Roxas."
He rolls his eyes. "Sure."
"And you don't believe me. Fantastic."
"It doesn't really matter. Neither what I believe nor what you're saying is what I want."
I bite my lip—not because of anxiety, but because I don't want to ask the question that I know I have to. I just don't want to lose him.
Not everything is about you. Think about him. Think about what he's going through. You're literally rejecting him right now.
"Should we not be friends anymore?" I ask softly.
He laughs, probably in spite of himself. "I can't just stop being friends with you. I'd rather have you as a friend than not at all." He pauses, then turns his head away from me. "I think maybe I came back to you a little too early. I don't know...but I do know that I need to get my head right before I can see you again."
Right. Vanitas needs space. I totally understand, and I respect his decision.
"Do what you need to do to get yourself together. I'm not going anywhere."
Vanitas sighs. "Thank you." And after a moment, he adds, "Don't think this exempts you from calling or texting me. I'm still your best friend and I still care about you."
"I'll send you a hundred texts every day until you feel better," I giggle.
Again, he rolls his eyes. "Make it two hundred. Cause I'll miss you."
-.-
To: Best Friend #2
I'm home. You wouldn't BELIEVE the amount of alien ninja pirate warriors I had to fight off just to get here.
I'm now lying in bed and watching TV. I swear I'm not doing anything for the next few days. This week has been a rollercoaster and I'm exhausted.
From: Best Friend #2
LMAO STFU
From: Best Friend #2
Wyd?
Roxas seems to be in a much better mood. Maybe Vanitas has talked to him and everything is okay now. The last thing I want is for their new friendship to suffer because of what happened in the past.
To: Best Friend #2
Watching TV. U?
From: Best Friend #2
Taking a shet
To: Best Friend #2
DESGUSTANG
He sends me a text filled with skull emojis. I laugh as I quickly read the messages over again. We're so weird.
From: Best Friend #2
Lol I ought to call you so you can hear it spalsh
Groooss! I hate him! He's so gross!
To: Best Friend #2
Boi I will block you harder than I've ever blocked before
A few minutes later, the whole screen goes black and lights up with his contact name on the screen. I start laughing as I accept the call. "Hello?"
"Ew, you wanted to hear me poo?"
That only makes me laugh even harder, which triggers his laughter. "No! I only answered to see if you actually were. I didn't wanna hear it."
"Mm. I'm on to you." I hear a flush in the background, later followed by the sound of a door shutting. "And thank you for letting me know you made it home safely. I really appreciate it."
My smile dims a bit as I think about what Vanitas said in the car. "Why did you want me to tell you?"
"Be—cause I care about you? What kind of question is that?" he laughs.
"No, I knew that you had to care about my stupid self to some degree, but wow. It's nice to know that someone cares about my safety and wellbeing for once," I grin.
Roxas goes quiet for a couple of seconds. "Can I ask you a question that may come across as really offensive?"
I can feel my brow pinch together. "Go for it."
"Do you actually know what it's like to have someone love you?"
"...Wooooow."
"I didn't mean it like that."
"Woooooow!" I laugh, because it's the only thing I can do at the moment. That wasn't just a question, this man just read me for filth.
In the words of Alexander the Great: that shit HURTED.
"I promise I'm not being mean or trying to hurt your feelings," Roxas almost pleads with me. "It's a genuine question."
"Why you hurt me like dis?" I cackle. Literally cackle. I think laughter is becoming my defense mechamism because I am deeply offended right now and I don't know how to stop.
Laughing does make it hurt less, though. Maybe it's good for something.
"Listen," he says softly, then waits for me to stop laughing like a maniac. "I only ask because you seem...like, flabbergasted when I show you the most basic level of platonic affection. I compliment you, you laugh or brush it off. I hug you, you go all stiff. I tell you I love you and you shut down. It's like you don't know how to handle it. Or you're afraid of it."
I'm definitely not afraid of any of that stuff. I just...he's right. I don't know how to handle it. "It's just weird having you do these things. I'm not used to it because no one ever does any of that for me. Why do you? I know we're best friends, but why do you care so much about me, of all people?"
"Né," he laughs. "I haven't even begun to show you how much I care about you. Hearing you say this makes me want to because you need to normalize this type of behavior in all your relationships: platonic, romantic, and in your family. You need to hear I love you more often, and you need to say it just as often. And most importantly, you need to show it—because actions speak louder than words."
That makes sense. Maybe that's why I feel so lonely sometimes. Maybe it's not physical affection that I'm craving, just...affection.
"I think you should. I'm gonna need all the help I can get now that I'm out of therapy."
Roxas gasps. "You're finished with it?"
I purse my lips. "Mm, more like rage quit."
He groans. "Well...you're an adult and it's your decision."
"But...?" I say, because there is most definitely a but coming.
"But, I'm really disappointed that you're choosing not to continue. I don't expect you to stay in therapy your whole life, but I don't think you're comfortable or confident enough in yourself or your abilities to stop attending. Especially since you described it as rage quitting."
I disagree because he's wrong. Period.
"I think I'm okay. Roxas, you're very wise and I really appreciate you, but you don't have all the answers."
"And I never claimed to. I'm sorry if it seems like I'm being a jerk right now because I'm not. That's my psychology major talking. I just want the best for you—and I'm gonna tell you when I think you need to make better choices. Friends help friends do better; they don't quietly support their stagnant lifestyle."
I exhale through my nose. He may be right about that. "Will you be mad at me if I never go back?"
"No."
"...If I make dumb choices, will you stay?"
He stays quiet for a while. "I'll tell you what: the second I see you stop trying to better yourself, I'll leave. And that's the only way I'll leave you. You can literally eff up in the most epic of ways—I just need to see you trying to fix it."
"And what if I can't?"
"The keyword there is try, sweetie."
If that's what I have to do to keep him in my life, then I'll do it. I'll always try.
"Okay."
