AN: The rating of this story has been changed to allow for some content and language in this chapter. Don't hesitate to review if you think it needs to be toned down!
Thank you Petites sorcieres, BB's girls, Artemis of Luna, Yes Exactly my brand of heroine, twilightdaydream, off-the-deep-end, Anuddaone, debcripps, edwardmyantidrug and EpisodeSkywalker for the reviews- you guys rock my socks
Chapter 8: Longing
Blood. Warm, so very warm, and still pulsing, flowing. Still alive. Edward closed his eyes and took a deep breath, but that didn't stop the images in his mind, the sensations tingling through his body, making venom pool in his mouth. Soft, pale flesh, mounded in his hands, pressed against his lips. Tempting him, testing his self control. All he had to do was open his mouth and bite, his teeth were pressing against that skin- hard enough to bruise, but not breaking that fragile layer that protected what he desired. Beneath that wonderfully scented skin he could almost taste, could already smell her blood...
Her? Edward had a rational thought. Her? Who could 'her' be?
He glanced at Emmett wondering where these thoughts were coming from. Emmett had dropped the game controller and was staring at the wall. His breathing had quickened and his eyes were black. He looked back at Edward out of those deep chasms.
But we fed last night?Emmett thoughts were confused and still filled with the monster, the siren in them all. If Emmett could feel it too, then...feel, they were picking up someone's feelings.
"Jasper," They both said, and suddenly they were running, running after their brother. Jasper was projecting a hunger that was almost overwhelming. He had hunted with them last night, but now he stood at a precipice of sinful longing, with the monster below calling up to him and he was about to fall. He wasn't in front of the house, where they had left him. Where are you, Jasper? Edward thought.
"Jasper?" Emmett bellowed as they raced across to the field, towards the center of this emotional storm. When they reached the trees the sensations increased, like it was torrential rain and they were drowning in the flood, Emmett called out again, "what are you doing, Jas?"
Edward's mind was suddenly clear, those concentrated sensations rapidly disapeared. Jasper was trying to shield it from them now. He could still hear Jasper's thoughts like whispering in his mind but Edward ignored them, in a desperate hope that 'she', Jasper's unfortunate victim, was still alive. From 'her' mind Edward heard nothing, which made him move through the trees faster, towards where he could still hear a heartbeat.
"Don't do it Jasper!" Edward threatened. Don't ruin this please, he begged internally.Edward hadn't yet had the chance to see Bella, he didn't want to leave without that chance. But if Jasper had done what he had been thinking about, had been feeling, then they would have to leave. Again.
Edward could see Jasper now, but couldn't see the 'her'. When Jasper took a step forward he no longer seemed to be hunting but Emmett got ready to charge. Edward was about to move when Jasper's thoughts exploded into his mind.
BELLA! No! Please! Wait!
Edward for a moment wondered if Jasper was picking up the desperation he had been feeling, and therefore had thought about Bella too, before he and Emmett moved as one, tackling Jasper into the dirt. Emmett ran into Jasper's legs, so hard that he could have broken bones on a human. Edward ducked Jasper's left hook, as he tried to stop Jasper from hitting Emmett with his right fist. Fighting like this was something the brothers did casually and Edward didn't have to read Jasper's thoughts to know what moves he would use against them.
"I wasn't going to!" Jasper insisted, his face now in the dirt. Edward held both of his arms behind his head, restraining but not hurting. Emmett sat astride his lower body, preventing Jasper from moving his legs. Jasper stopped struggling, defeat in his voice as he repeated, "I wasn't going to."
Screeching brakes reminded Edward that they were not alone, and he turned hoping to see Jasper's victim escaping. A familiar red Chevy had stopped inches from the hood of Rosalie's BMW. Edward dropped Jasper's arms.
Bella sat behind the wheel of the monstrous vehicle, but she wasn't facing him, she was looking behind her. Edward froze, ignoring Rosalie, who was yelling at Alice. Ignoring Jasper, who was calling up to him. Bella turned slowly, and the world stopped as his eyes met hers.
Her eyes were watery, but still that chocolate depth he wanted to fall into. Her cheeks were tear-stained, but still glowed with a natural blush. Her lips formed a small 'O' of surprise and she too froze, staring at him. As he focused on the sound of her heart-beat, Edward would always be grateful for that moment, where he could drink her in and remember exactly why he couldn't stay away. In that moment he remembered all the little yet important ways that he loved her.
But moments don't last forever.
And when it ended, the monster in him took advantage of Edward's lack of concentration, at the weakness in his hard earned control. It roared to life as her scent engulfed him and reminded Edward of the sensations Jasper had project only minutes before. The monster stepped towards the truck, enjoying the fear in her eyes. He could already taste her in his mouth, feel the tempting softness of her skin at his finger tips. He wanted to pull her head back and kiss along the sensitive skin of her jaw until he reached the pulse in her neck. And then, the monster's thoughts were so violent, Edward almost lost all control. He wanted to bite into that neck, to release the ebb and flow of her blood, to consume it all.
Bella, still in the truck, within his reach, crumbled, wrapping her arms around her waist. Tears fell heavy and fast from her eyes and she hid her face against the driving wheel. Edward, in anguish, stopped walking towards the truck. She was his only love, and she was in such pain. The monster screamed in his head that she was only prey, and he could end her pain. Edward's whole body shook in an attempt to gain control, as the sensations of longing to both love and feed flooded his entire being.
Alice was suddenly there, her small but strong hands pinning his back to a tree. Emmett was struggling to hold one of his arms, and Jasper trying to catch his other as Edward tried to push his little sister away. They were all yelling, but he couldn't hear what they were saying. He couldn't even hear their thoughts that were also screaming in his mind. All he could hear was Bella's heart, racing like a piston, as she cried in the cab of her truck. It was Esme's hands of either side of his face, cool and hard, that started to bring him back.
"Breathe, Edward."
Edward breathed, but all he could smell was Bella. Esme stood in front of him, blocking his view of the truck, but he closed his eyes and could see Bella. The monster growled in his head. That growl rumbled out Edward's throat.
"Come on, Edward. Please, gain control, you can do it." The trust, the faith, the belief that Esme had in him scared the monster. It didn't understand such feelings, couldn't compete with them and like a dog with it's tail between it's legs, it fled. Edward stopped struggling against his brothers and sister.
"Well, some things never change." Rosalie stood by her car, "you shouldn't have to resist that urge, Edward."
"Shut up, Rosalie," Jasper didn't even look at her, holding onto Edward's arm.
"Oh, you can talk!" Rosalie yelled back at him, "we were miles away and could feel your longing. It's lucky we had already left the shopping centre!"
" I couldn't let Edward feel her pain, so I projected my own desires." Jasper let go of Edward's arm and whirled to face Rosalie. Emmett also let go, grabbing at Jasper's arm.
"Why was she in pain, Jasper?" Emmett demanded.
Jasper shook Emmett off and looked at Edward. "You know that I'd never hurt Bella, right?"
Edward was speechless. He didn't want to think about Jasper's insecurity or Rosalie's prejudice. Now that the monster had fled, all he wanted to was to go to Bella. To wrap his arms around her and never let go. She was still crying in the cab, leaning heavily against the wheel.
"He knows you wouldn't, Jasper." Alice said quietly and Esme nodded, letting go of Edward's face.
"You can let go, Alice. I won't hurt her either." Edward said quietly. Alice closed her eyes, a distant look covering her face. Edward waited, watching Rosalie and Emmett drive the BMW around the truck and to the house. He could hear them arguing, even when they were out of sight. Esme walked to the truck, laying one hand against the glass window, watching Bella. Jasper had moved as far away from the truck as possible, without leaving the clearing. Alice finally opened her eyes and looked up at him.
"You won't hurt her," Alice replied, still holding him in place, "as a vampire. But that's not the only way she can be in pain, Edward."
"Get off me, Alice," Edward said angrily, but she shook her head.
"Go back to the house, Edward. Let me talk to her, she needs a friend right now. Please."
"I won't ask a third time," Edward didn't want to force Alice to move. He didn't want to go back to the house, he wanted to be with Bella.
"Look at her, Edward," Alice was almost begging him, as they all watched the fragile human they both loved, shaking with sobs in the truck. The engine stalled and died.
"I know I rarely disagree with Alice, Ed, but she is right. Bella didn't get upset until you came out of the house to get Emmett." Jasper spoke quietly, hands in his pockets.
They could all hear Bella's sobs now, Esme wretched open the door of the truck. She looked like she wanted to hug Bella. Edward realised that he wasnt the only one who loved Bella. Who could have comforted her, and welcomed her back to the house, to the family. The monster began to whisper excitedly as a new wave of Bella's scent drifted around him, but he beat it down, remembering his mother's, his family's faith in him. He nodded his head, understanding that space might benefit both he and Bella at the moment.
"I need to talk to her though," he said to Alice quietly. She nodded, letting go and walking towards the truck.
"We'll calm her down and bring her to the house. But when she's ready, Edward," Esme reassured him quietly. Edward nodded forlornly as he let Jasper lead him through the trees. Glancing back, he smiled as Bella pulled Alice into a hug. And then the thought occurred to Edward, Jasper said, she didn't get upset until I came out of the house. What if Bella hadn't come to see me?
Minutes that felt like eternity passed by. Edward stared out the front window, waiting impatiently. He hugged himself, because his arms longed to be around her, but he had to wait. By the time he and Jasper had reached the front door, he felt more assured that he had leashed his inner monster. Being away from Bella for those few minutes had cemented his ability to deny that hunger. He had other problems, other emotions to deal with now. Bella was upset and crying because of him. Jasper had been trying to cheer him up, but Edward wanted to wallow in a sea of misery. After all he thought, I've created this sea. A sea of her tears.
Emmett had dragged Rosalie away from the garage- concerned she would do something that she would regret to her BMW. And he was scared of an angry Rosalie with a tool in her hand. She sat on one of the lounges, filing her perfect manicure and glaring at the three boys.
"She won't come," Rosalie hissed in Edward's direction. "We should have left last year, before you had made any attachment, or got rid of her earlier. Then maybe, we could still --"
"Rosalie, why don't you just --" Jasper drawled
"DON'T YOU TELL ME TO SHUT UP, JASPER! Why didn't you just let her leave like she was trying to?!"
"Because I thought that if she left, Edward would NEVER get the chance to see her! She was so scared, she would never visit us again! Edward's not allowed to visit Chief Swan's house --"
"With good reason, obviously. That human is an emotional wreck! All because she SAW Edward from a distance. What would she have done if he had turned up on her doorstep like he wanted to?" Rosalie threw the nail file at the couch nearest Jasper, and a pillow exploded into a cloud of feathers.
"Well , it doesn't matter any more, because as soon as Chief Swan hears that she broke down from seeing Edward, he'll run us out of town- as promised." Emmett rumbled. "Why make Esme mad too, Rose?"
The three stood in different corners of the room, yelling at each other, but Edward blocked it out, staring desperately at the far end of the field. He didn't think he could wait much longer. Bella was upset and he wanted to believe that all he had to do was apologise, tell her he loved her, and she would be OK. But he was plagued with worry that Rosalie was right, it wouldn't be so simple to have a second chance at love.
Edward gripped the window sill so hard it began to crack. He was still furious that Charlie had threatened Carlisle, because Carlisle had made Edward promise to let Bella visit them first, even thought Edward refused to believe Bella would fall apart if he turned up at her window one night.
In the months while he was alone, Edward selfishly only allowed himself to think of Bella happy without him. Because if she was miserable, it would suggest that he meant more to her than Edward had wanted to believe. Which meant by leaving, he hurt her.
While they were apart, Edward refused to think that he had hurt her. To make the decision to lie and leave her had destroyed a part of him. If he had hurt Bella by leaving, he should be destroyed entirely but she had done nothing to deserve that pain.
Once Edward had decided to return, all he could believe was that they would be reunited, that Bella would welcome him back into her life and there would be no challenge greater than Mike Newtown. His family's excitement at returning had become so infectious, it had been easy to convince himself that Bella would be fine and they would be happy together once more.
In the minutes waiting in the front room, Edward thought about her sitting in the truck, crying because he had been standing a few feet away and he knew that he had punished her for loving him, had hurt her by leaving and he was unsure if she would let him back into her life.
Edward decided then that he would do anything and everything to apologise for the last few months. And if she did accept him, despite his lies and mistakes, he would never leave her again. If there was any chance she would accept him, it would be that Bella would come back to the house with Alice and Esme.
So Edward watched out the front window, ignoring his siblings, who were now yelling at each other from different rooms in the house. Edward waited, praying, though he doubted that a vampire's prayers would be heard. Edward wallowed in doubt and fear knowing the sight of Bella would fill him with hope. Everything he was, could ever be, was charged into a longing for Bella to appear in the distant trees.
Movement at the edge of the forest- closer to the house aroused his attention. Alice and Esme appeared in the growing shadows of the trees. They walked slowly to the house and he saw that Bella was not with them.
AN:I LOVE writing from Edwards pov- so he may control the next couple of chapters. I know this chapter was long and went back into the story a bit- from here on out I'll try to move forward.
