A/N:
I know you're tired of hearing some lame excuses for the slow updates so, I'll just put my excuse in my ff profile.
Special Thanks to "WolvesInBoundary" or now known as "GideonGrayStairs" for betaing my stories. Please check out her stories, And We Fall Down, Been There, Done That, and for those who are into Troyler fandom, you can checkout her Wattpad account too as she writes one!
Without further adieu, enjoy the update, lovelies!
Chapter 7
Love him in the Shadows
"It's . . . it's you." As soon as the words slipped from Alec's lips, both of them froze in shock and stopped dead in their tracks. The whole room was filled with eerie silence as they stared at each other. No one dared to speak and Alec could hear only their faint breathing. Just then Magnus' face frowned in confusion before he finally decided to break the eerie silence and tension in the room by speaking.
"M- Me? What about me?"
'Dear God. Do I really need to spell it out for him?' Alec thought as he felt the blush start to creep onto his cheeks. His heart was beating so loudly he was afraid it might jump out of his chest.
"I- it's you Magnus. The one I have a crush on." There, Alec had finally said it. Magnus' eyes widened as he stared at him like something in his head had just come unscrewed. Alec felt his heart stop and held his breath while anticipating Magnus' reaction to his confession. Just then Magnus started trembling, making Alec frown in worry as nervousness crept through him. But then it all faded as soon as he realized why Magnus was trembling, a high pitched squeal being heard from him.
Magnus was holding his stomach, he was laughing so hard from his confession. His reaction certainly caught Alec off guard. He hadn't expected this kind of reaction from the other boy. He'd expected him to be in a state of shock. But no, Magnus was laughing, seemingly amused by this whole situation.
"Alexander, when did you start learning to crack jokes like that? I gotta say, you totally caught me there! I never guessed the time would come where you'd be able to pull off a prank like that. Believe me, it must be labelled as the joke of the century."
"Ma- Magnus. I'm not kidding. I- I really like you. I've liked you ever since your family moved to this town and we met," Alec confessed honestly, trying to regain control of himself. For what, he didn't know. Somehow, he felt a pang in his chest at the fact that Magnus didn't believe him. Or that Magnus was taking his love for him as a hilarious joke.
"Alec, stop. You don't need to worry over whether your hoax worked or not, because I tell you, it worked very well. Congratulations, Alec! You just made yourself the best joker of the century! It was a really great joke you came up with!" Magnus replied as he scoffed and laughed at him humorlessly. Alec didn't really know what happened next. His vision darkened as anger rose through his veins and he just snapped.
Magnus, on the other hand, froze in shock as he felt a heavy weight on his cheeks followed by a loud sting. Both men stood in shock as they began to comprehend what had just happened. Alec withdrew his hands to his mouth as tears started to fall down his face.
"I- I'm sorry, Magnus! I – I didn't mean to!" Alec broke into a sob as his knees weakened and he fell to the floor. Magnus, on the other hand, recovered from the shock as he finally touched his bruising cheeks. His cheek still burned and tingled from the impact of Alec's hand on it. He stared at him in disbelief.
"By the Angel ALEXANDER GIDEON LIGHTWOOD! Why the hell did you do that!" Magnus yelled in a raging voice as he glared at his best friend who were sulking on the floor.
"It's because I confessed to you that I like you and you brushed it off idiot!" Alec replied as he felt torn at the turmoil of emotions building inside him. He honestly didn't know what had come over him. Normally, he would never dare to hurt Magnus like that. He felt guilty as hell for what he'd done. But he didn't know how to react when Magnus so easily brushed off his confession like it was nothing.
Not when he'd fought so hard to come out to his family and friends for him. Not that he was expecting him to return his feelings, because he knew very well he wouldn't, but he'd at least wanted some acknowledgement. He'd wanted, somehow, for Magnus to accept that someone dear and close to him accepted and loved him the way he did.
"So now you're trying to steal my talent, too? Are you into acting right now? God Alec! If you wanted to rehearse a scene, you could've warned me first. Your slap hurts, you know. It felt like some bitch slapped my bloody face," Magnus said as he fell to the floor beside Alec and kept rubbing at his cheeks.
Alec couldn't take it anymore, though, and he leaned in to kiss Magnus tenderly on the mouth. Alec's body shook tremendously as he felt the sparks and tingles flowing through his body like a bolt of electricity. It was just a light smack that lasted for barely a second, but Alec felt his heart beating wildly like it was being revitalized. Of course, he'd already expected Magnus to freeze at his sudden attack and never received any reaction from it.
He never thought a time would come where he would gather up the courage to kiss Magnus. Hell, he didn't even think his first kiss would be like that. But it was all Alec could think of to prove his attraction to Magnus, seeing as his best friend was too oblivious to face the fact that he's in love with him. Alec couldn't blame him, though. If he were in Magnus' shoes, he would think that Magnus was joking, too, if Magnus were ever to confess to him.
Alec then released Magnus, staring profoundly into the beauty of his exotic golden-green eyes. Those captivating eyes that stared back at him with confusion and wonder reflected inside them. Just then he felt a tear drop onto his face.
"Magnus, I like you." 'No. I love you.' Alec added in his thoughts but didn't voice out loud. He didn't know how Magnus would take it if he knew how he really felt.
This time Magnus' eyes widened as he took in Alec's appearance. He felt his breath suddenly get knocked out of him as he stared back at his oceanic blue eyes. He was afraid he might drown in their blueness. He raised his hand and covered his mouth with it, suddenly at a loss for words.
Magnus stood up abruptly, starting to pace back and forth in front of Alec. His face was wrecked as he held a stern look on his face. He felt dizzy as Alec's words resonated in his mind and kept playing like an infinite playlist.
No one dared to speak as they both dreaded and anticipated whatever happened next. After a few deadly moments, Magnus finally released a deep, heavy sigh as he lifted his head and met his gaze.
"My God. You're really serious, Alec. Fuck. This can't be- fuck! Shit! I- I'm so sorry!" He said as he raised both of his hands and rested them against Alec. He gripped Alec hard enough for the latter to hiss in pain, but Alec ignored it when he saw the tears running down Magnus' face.
"I'm sorry Alec! I didn't mean to confuse your feelings! Shit! I should've known that, as sweet and innocent as you are, you would fall for my façade. But I honestly didn't mean to seduce or corrupt you, Alec. As you know, my flirting's just for fun. I love to crack jokes and tease people. I didn't mean for it to take effect on you and turn out this serious. Shit, shit shit, shit. I'm really sorry, Alec. I didn't mean to do it."
'Well, Alec. There goes the rejection you anticipated.' Alec thought as he felt his chest becoming constricted, his breath suddenly running out.
"Uh, no. Really, it's okay. I kinda expected it. But, Magnus, I want you to know that that's not why I like you. I like you because-" but before Alec could further confess his thoughts and feelings to him, Magnus interrupted.
"No, Alec. Hear me out, please? You need to know everything before it's too late. I don't want you to dwell on your false predicament. After I tell you everything, I promise I'll listen to your every word, okay?" Magnus said as he stared at him with a pleading look that he knew he could never resist. He finally gave in as he shrugged off and replied with a simple "okay".
Throughout the entire time, Alec just stared at him as he tried to take steady deep breaths and kept wiping his sweaty hands on his pants. He swore he would've thought of rushing Magnus to the hospital, worrying he might hyperventilate and have a panic attack.
'Or maybe it's just your imagination because you're the one panicking inside, Alec,' His inner voice reasoned out, making Alec flinched. But before he could indulge himself with wallowing in his own thoughts, Magnus' voice pierced through his hearing line and he blinked as he was brought back to reality.
"Alec, you're just confused. It's just a phase."
'Ouch.' Alec thought as he tried to remain calm and keep a faceless mask when deep inside his heart was shattering to pieces. When Alec didn't reply, Magnus continued explaining his side.
"It can't be that you're gay, Alec. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not homophobic or hypocritical, but all your life I've been your only friend who's gay. I'm the only one who's openly flirted with you. You're not close with the girls and you rarely have other male friends. It's just like we're trapped on an island with nothing but each other to lean on. Eventually, we'll fall with each other because there's no one else around on the island. The same analogy applies to your situation, Alec. You think you're gay and have feelings for me because I'm the only one showing an 'interest' in you-
"I'm afraid that you might start to misinterpret this feeling as real when, in fact, it's not. And you'll be hurt now more than ever. Love— love is such a naïve thing in this world. When we're hit by it for the first time, we think it's real and that it'll last forever. And then it leads us to our downfall. Like what happened to me. I got hurt over and over again because I kept dwelling on it. And, Alec, I don't want you to experience that.
"I know how painful it is to have your first downfall in love and I want to protect you from being hurt like that. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe you're really gay and you love me dearly. But what if we don't work out? I don't want our relationship to be treated like a way to test the waters, Alec. I don't want to gamble it. Our friendship is too precious to me. I don't want to lose it just because we're trying to explore some things we're not sure about. Imagine how awkward it would be to face each other if things didn't work out? It would turn into a disaster, Alec." This time Alec's eyes widened as he realized that Magnus, indeed, had a point.
It was already awkward as hell now that he'd confessed to Magnus. Yes, he was sure that he would do everything in his power just to prove to Magnus how worthy he is of all the love and attention in the world, but that's not enough for their relationship to work. Not when he himself was doubting how worthy he was of Magnus' love.
What if, in the middle of their relationship, things went downhill? And Magnus woke up one day and found he didn't need him in his life anymore? He didn't think they would be able to go back to being friends again. He'd heard of people getting into a relationship, but turning into complete strangers the moment said relationship crumbled apart. Could he bear to lose Magnus? Could he bear to lose their precious friendship?
No. He couldn't bear it.
He'd already accepted the fact that he would only love Magnus in the shadows, in the form of a friend. This way he could love Magnus freely and be with him without worrying he might leave him one day. Nor did he need to worry about falling out of love with him.
"You- you're right. I don't want to lose our friendship, Magnus. Maybe I just misinterpreted my feelings for you. Come to think of it, you're right. You're the only one who's flirted with me so, yeah, that might be it. I'm sorry I put a damper on our friendship. I confused us both."
"No, Alec. It's okay. You- you're quite young. It's natural for you to be curious about these new feelings and be adventurous in regards to them. It's not your fault. And as your friend who's older than you, I'm supposed to guide you like a good brother. Actually, I'm quite happy this happened early. We can still find ways to prevent your feelings. We can do this. We'll never let this end our friendship. Things will go back to normal between us again if you can follow the two conditions I'm giving you."
"Wh- what are those?"
"One, we pretend this never happened. We'll act like normal again and rekindle our friendship. Okay?" Alec nodded in agreement to what he said. He could definitely do that. After all, he wanted Magnus to treat him just the same as before this had happened. He couldn't bear it if Magnus started to change or avoid him just because he'd decided to confess his undying feelings for him.
"Alright. I can do that. Thank you for giving our friendship a second chance, Magnus." Magnus chuckled as he raised his left hand and pet Alec's hair. That calming gesture made Alec instantly relax as he closed his eyes and leaned in to feel the warmth of Magnus' fingers digging into his hair.
"And what's the second one?"
"Stop liking me." Those words struck like a knife to Alec's heart as he felt them pierce through his core, making his eyes snap open to stare at Magnus.
"Wh- what?" Alec stuttered as he let Magnus' words sink into his mind.
"It only makes sense. In order to continue our friendship, we should have a clear line drawn on our feelings for each other. We should only see our feelings as those of friendship and brotherly love. Nothing more. And we shouldn't bring this topic up again, alright?" The way Magnus was gazing at him was making Alec's heart heavy. He couldn't believe what he was hearing.
Magnus was asking him to stop loving him. It's like he'd asked him to make his heart stop beating for him. The thought was sickening. He didn't know if he could do it. It made his heart ache with excruciating pain.
"Alec? Your answer?" Alec gulped as he tried to force out the words that might destroy his life. He tried to fight back the tears that threatened to spill out of his eyes and took a deep breath to keep his voice neutral. After what seemed like forever, he finally give in and replied.
"Ye- yes. Of course." Magnus' eyes brightened in delight and he leaned closer to him to hug him like a teddy bear. If this were a normal hug, Alec would be blushing like crazy now at their intimate and close proximity. But now, all Alec felt was an empty, hollow space in his chest as if Magnus had sucked up all his love and hadn't left a single bit to lighten up his heart.
After a few seconds, Magnus released him and extended a hand to him.
"I want us to start again, so— friends?"
"Ye- yes," he replied, since he didn't have a choice but to accept Magnus' extended hand. As soon as he sealed the deal, he knew he was doomed. Just then a phone ringing interrupted the deadly tension in the kitchen. The two men cupped their pockets and, luckily, it was Magnus who was receiving the call. When he looked at the screen to check who was calling, Magnus' eyes lit up in a way that made Alec's heart constrict in pain. Judging from the brilliance radiating in his eyes, he already knew who was on the other line.
"Excuse me," Magnus said as he turned around and answered the call.
'That's my cue to leave.' Alec thought bitterly as he rushed out of the kitchen.
When Alec closed the door to his and Izzy's guest room, only then did he finally allow his tears to fall. He fell back against the door as he brought knees to his chest, hugging them in an attempt to provide comfort. Instead, all he felt was this eternal cold. It was like he was trapped in a frost where he couldn't breathe anymore. He broke out into sobs as he cried for his broken heart.
The sounds of sobs and crying pleas made Izzy stir from her sleep. She groaned as she covered her ears with her pillow to try to make the noise go away. 'Who the fuck would be crying at the bloody crack of dawn for crying out loud? Can't he see everyone's already asleep?' She thought as she willed herself into sleeping again.
But the sobbing continued despite the person's futile attempts to silence himself. Izzy forced her eyes to open as she searched irritably for the source of the broken sobs. Her irritation immediately disappeared as she took in the person crying. She was rooted to the ground, frozen in shock and disbelief as she realized it was none other than her own brother. She immediately threw the blanket to the other side of the bed as she nearly jumped out of it in her haste to reach her brother's side.
"My God, Alec! What happened?!" Izzy cried as she crushed her brother with a tight hug. It broke her heart seeing her brother in such a vulnerable state. Alec was always sweet, innocent and the one who gave them all strength. Seeing her brother broken down in tears made her heart ache. Alec didn't deserve all the cruelty of the world. Anyone who'd do this kind of thing to her brother would pay gravely.
Oh, yes. There would be hell to pay.
Izzy hissed in pain as she felt the death grip of her brother on her arm while he submerged his neck into her chest. She could feel wet tears flowing down Alec's face, soaking her shirt with the force of them.
"I—Izzy! Please, let's- let's go home!" Alec cried as he continued sobbing into her chest.
"What?"
"I- I said let's go home! Please!"
"B-but Alec! It's nearly 2 am. It's dangerous to leave, plus it'd be hard to find a cab and drive all the way back home. Alec, please. I'm begging you. Just this night, let's just rest and I promise tomorrow we'll leave first thing in the morning," Izzy tried to reason out to his brother but Alec was having none of it. He shook his head violently as he tightened his grip around her.
"No! Izzy please! I need to get out of here. I- I need to breathe! Besides, this is New York, the city is always busy so I know we can find a cab somewhere. I- I promise to explain what happened if you'd let me breathe, if you'd let us to home. Please," Alec begged her in despair as he clutched her shoulders helplessly, clinging to her like his life depended on it. Seeing her brother begging so desperately, Izzy had no choice but to grant his wish.
She helped Alec gather up his belongings as he worked on composing himself. Izzy then went into the bedroom to get her own things as she gently shook Max, who was still sleeping soundly. Max groaned as he rubbed his eyes tiredly, wondering what was going on.
"Iz? What's happening?"
"Max, I need you to go grab up your things."
"Eh? Why?"
"No questions for now. Just do what I say," Izzy said as she hastily grabbed the blankets wrapped around Max's body. Max had no choice but to follow Izzy's command. After a few minutes, they were up and leaving Magnus' house in peace.
It was around three in the morning when they arrived back at their home. The three of them were exhausted from having a long night and their rush to get home. Max immediately went to his bedroom and dropped dead on the bed as exhaustion seeped through him. The two older siblings followed him to his bedroom as Alec shifted Max's position so that he would be laying on the bed in comfort as he slept.
Throughout the whole ride, Izzy had been silent as she stared at her brother intently, wondering what the whole ruckus had been about. She couldn't help but think that something had happened between him and Magnus. Well, she always knew that deep down Alec was hurt whenever Magnus had a fling or even when Magnus himself was hurt, but she'd never expected to find her own brother crying like this. Maybe she could-
"I promise I'll give you an explanation tomorrow. For now, we need to sleep. It's been a long night," Alec's voice suddenly interrupted her thoughts as she raised her head and stared at the lean and slender back of her brother. This was not the Alec she had just witnessed an hour or so ago. Somehow, this Alec made her shiver. Alec's voice was as cold as ice, devoid of any emotion whatsoever. And, for the second time, Izzy found herself nodding and giving in to her brother's demands. Without a word, she stood and walked towards her bedroom.
After making sure that Max was sleeping soundly in his bed, Alec made his way to his own room to rest for the night. He was dead tired after the night's events, but he found himself staying wide awake. As soon as he closed the door, he let out a deep breath and tried to calm his nerves. For the second time, he let the tears pour down his face as he went to his study table and opened his diary. He flipped through the pages with his one hand until he came to a blank page that was just waiting for him to write his next entry. Alec could feel his hand trembling as he lifted his pen, the paper already soaked with tears as he finally started writing his painful entry for the night.
Dear Diary,
So much happened at the sleepover. For one thing, I really enjoyed the whole truth or dare game. I had so much fun with my friends. When I finally confessed my secret to them, I was glad they reacted well to it and didn't disown me. I was really ecstatic that my family and friends accepted who I am. It was all too good to be true.
Almost.
Like they say, if too much happiness comes your way, be prepared for the loneliness and agony to follow. And I gotta say, itreally is painful. You know what, I finally made it to Magnus. I finally confessed my feelings for him. But he didn't take it very well. Now, I know, Diary.You're raising your eyebrows in confusion right now as to why I'm hurt over the result of my confession. Yes, I expected him to reject my feelings, but having it actually happen, it doesn't make it hurt less to have seen it coming. Plus, there's the fact that he didn't believe me when I first confessed to him. How could he? He's the most beautiful man I've ever laid eyes on. He has this charm that makes everyone swoon and adore him. Plus, he has the purest and gentlest soul I have ever met. And it hurts me when he doesn't believe he has these precious traits that make him so lovable and worth it.
Everyone might disagree with me, but I swear he's a very kind and gentle man. When he said he would protect me from being hurt, that proved that. He cared too much for me as his brother to want me on a dark path. He didn't want me to experience the pain of rejection, deceit and broken relationships he's been through. He didn't want to end our friendship, and for that I was grateful. I was beyond relieved that he accepted me in spite of what happened. But— but what he was asking me . . . was too much.
Tell me, how can I survive a life without loving him? When he was the one who gave me the strength and courage to accept myself. When he was the one I admire from afar who gives me happiness in my dull and monochrome life. When one glance from his eyes would suddenly brighten up my world with vibrant colors and give me my lifeline. I could bear it if hetold me to act like nothing happened. I can just continue with loving him from afar, but when he told me to stop having these feelings for him, I couldn't help but imagine my life to be trapped in darkness once again.
Can I do it? I seriously don't know. But, but if that's what it takes for him to be happy. If that's what it takes for his eyes to light up with love and passion when he sees Imasu's name on his phone. If that's what it takes for him to be free from darkness and find his path to eternal bliss, I would gladly do it for him.
All this time, he's been lighting up my world while he drowned in the abyss. All I ever wanted was for him to be happy and get the love he truly deserved. And I know I can't give him that. I will never be able to give him the love and contentment he seeks. The least I can do is to help him find his way to his happiness. It would be selfish of me to stop him from reaching it. So, from now on, even if it hurts me, even if it kills me, I'll push my feelings aside and bury them in the deepest pits of hell. I'll ignore my feelings, and help him with all of my power.
But, one last time, just one last time before I let you go, allow me to express my feelings for you, Magnus . . .
I love you and always will.
There goes my love . . .
Alec.
A/N:
I know I must fear for my life now. I know I am such a bitch for doing that. Well, not all confessions are about rainbows and unicorns. Magnus is, well, we don't really know what's going on with his head, right?
And this is just a warm up of the pain Alec will bear throughout the story. As we go through, more pain and agony Alec will feel, and maybe, Magnus might commit another set of mistakes again.
Ever wondered why I didn't have a chapter teaser for the next chapter, when I normally give one? It's because I fear you will kill me. Lol, kidding. Go to my fanfic profile and read to know the real reason behind it.
Review if you feel like to.
Until Then!
- Daime Guiral
