Author's Note: I did say it might be a while in between updates didn't I? (Imagine sheepish laughing). I just finished midterms and I wrote so many essay in one day that my hand literally seized up and I had to whack it against a wall to get it to work again. I probably find this more amusing than I should. Anyway I'm so glad to see so many of you have favorite and followed and I'd just like to take the time to send a shout out to all of you. This fanfic has been my baby. I've been working on it for so long and it brings me immeasurable joy that so many people are taking the time to read it. Stay wonderful my readers. *Also if any of you have any suggestions or things you'd like to see in Clara and Bucky's interactions with Coulson's SHIELD team I'd love to hear them.
Chapter 8
Clara POV
After too many tests to count Jemma had excused herself to let me change into a pair of her spare clothes. They were very nice, very prim and professional. But as silly as it was I lamented the loss of my favorite shirt. Last I saw my purple button down it had been ripped to shreds and was covered in blood.
Once I pulled the pink cardigan over my head I looked around and I confirmed that I was alone for the moment. Slowly I swung my left leg over the edge of the metal railing. No sooner had my bare foot touched the ridiculously freezing floor than the door of the infirmary pod slid open.
"Busted." I muttered under my breath.
"Don't let Simmons see you trying that," A tall brown haired woman a few years older thanx me said as she walked in with a tray of food. As she sat the tray down in front of me she hopped up onto the end of the bed with a grin. "I know from personal experience that when it comes to her patients Jemma is quite the little dictator. I'm Skye by the way." She held out her hand for me to shake.
"Clara." We shook hands. I was grateful she didn't mention my little resurrection, in truth I was still to freaked out to even think about how I'd been dead only hours before. "Jemma say anything to you… about my… condition?" I drew up my feet and hugged them to my chest, very much aware that I'd had a decent sized hole punched it through earlier that night.
"Jemma told me to tell you, that Fitz told her," Skye scrunched up her eyebrows in concentration, "'not to worry one bit' Fitz's words exactly. Whatever form of, I believe they said extremeis, is in your system isn't adversely affecting you and once we get to where were headed they'll perform more in depth tests."
"Thanks." I tried to smile as I looked around the glass room I was in. "I just don't like being cooped up in here like some kind of freak on show in a glass tank."
"It's not so bad." Skye followed my gaze around the infirmary pod. "I got shot a little while back…"
I gasped and mentally slapped myself in the face. "Oh, I'm so sorry to… I didn't mean to bring up bad memories. I'm just making things worse by talking… and yet I keep on talking- I'll shut up now."
"No no, it's not like that." Skye spoke quickly. "I just mean that I understand what you're going through. My team did everything they could to help me and afterwards I was stuck in here for what seemed like forever. I felt like a fish in a tank to. It's nice to be able to talk to someone who understands."
"Thanks. We are two lucky girls to have Fitzsimmons as friends." I paused. "So…I noticed that you didn't add 'agent' onto your name, you part of SHIELD?"
A bemused expression crossed over Skye's face. "Well… kinda. I made a level 1 agent just a few days ago. Not really sure what I am now." There was a hint of well hidden sadness in her voice.
Neither of us said anything for a while. I picked at the food on my tray. There was some kind of jello and a mound of brown that I think was trying to pass for meat. Did I just see something move? Yep, not eating that.
"Oh!" Skye spoke, suddenly chipper. The weight of what we'd been previously talking about lifted. "It'll be great to have another hacker on board. No one around here can keep up with me for very long."
"I've been told that I tend to techno-babble myself." I paused, curious as to why I, one of SHIELD's top hackers, had never heard about her before. "How'd you get involved with SHIELD?"
"It's a long story." Skye laughed and crossed her legs on the cot so we were facing each other. "But short version I had been working for the Rising Tide and I got picked up by a SHIELD team after I got on their radar."
"Hold on wait. Six months ago. Rising Tide hacked into classified files on the Battle of New York. That was you?" My eyes widened and I saw Skye in a new light. I pushed my tray to the side, the food forgotten.
Skye beamed with pride and started giggling. "Yep. Then a day later I got picked up by SHIELD."
"Wow! I tried to counter and trace your hack. Girl, you got mad skills." I couldn't hold in my laughter. It was nice having a remotely normal conversation with someone after the craziness of the last few days.
Skye pushed some of her unruly hair behind her ear. "Thanks. I've heard about your work to. The Hubble Telescope hacker. We so need to compare notes sometime."
"You guys going to start doing each other's nails?" Fitz's voice came over the intercom.
"Nope," I shouted up at the ceiling. "But maybe I can get her to help me hold you down while I perm marker your face, in pink."
There were a few gasping sounds before, "I… well… don't even think about it Clara." Fitz ordered. "Not again."
"I like how you think." Skye grinned as she pointed at me and hopped off my cot. "What's the word Fitz?"
"Team leader would like a word with Clara, in private. He asked me to radio down to give you the heads up." And Fitz's voice cut out.
"Whelp, I guess I talk to you later. AC wants to have a word with you." Skye walked over and open the door.
"Who's AC?" I asked.
Skye stopped halfway through the open door and blushed. "Oh, that's just what I call our commanding officer. I know I'm not really supposed to call him that but it annoys him and I aim to please. It stands for Agent Cou…"
She stopped as a man came up behind her. All the breath rushed out of my lungs like I'd been punched as I stared at someone I'd thought long dead. My last family member that I'd watched buried with my own eyes. "Phil?!" Saying my Uncle's name almost choked me it hurt so much.
"You two know each other?" Skye's confused gaze shot back and forth between the two of us.
"She's my niece." Phil answered her.
Skye's eyes went big. And sad? "I'll go now." Her voice was small compared to how she'd been talked right before.
Before she could leave however Phil stopped her with a hand to her shoulder. "We'll talk later." He spoke softly to her, reminding me of some of our conversations after my parent's died.
She nodded wordlessly and booked it out of the room.
Once she had left he breathed in a deep steadying breath and turned to face me. "Hey Care-bear."
Suddenly Fury's last words made sense. Find Coul… Find Coulson. He had wanted me to find Coulson and warn him about HYDRA. It was a bit late for than now, all either of us could do was try and pick up the pieces.
I swung my legs over the edge of the cot. The cold floor was barley noticeably as I walked towards Phil. Once I was in arm's length I reached out and shoved his shoulder and was met with the fabric of his suit. This was no illusion, he was really here. A mildly hysterical laugh escaped my mouth. I raised my eyes to look up at his face.
My hand moved of its own accord. Up. Up. Higher and higher. And then smack right across Phil's face. His head snapped to one side and a hand shaped red mark was painted on his cheek.
He let out a sigh as he nodded and rubbed his cheek. "I deserved that."
"They said you died!" My voice began to raise in pitch. "I watched them bury your casket!" That last word came out in a scream. A leak sprung in my eyes and there was no stopping the tears. I jumped up and wrapped my arms around his neck, crushing him in a hug.
"I'm sorry Clara." His arms came up around my back. "I never wanted to hurt you."
Our hug ended and I stepped back. Phil was beaming, practically grinning down at me. "You don't know how relived I am that you're here, I…"
He was cut off by my hand regaining a will of its own and slapping him hard across the face again.
Phil's face again snapped to the side. He was stuck in a stunned state before he could speak again. Finally he spoke, "I also deserved that." He scrunched his face up in an attempt to keep from smiling. He failed. "You done now?"
"Jury's out." I answered, still really pissed but beyond glad to see him. "So I'm guessing that the whole death thing was just a cover huh?"
Coulson shook his head. He walked over to me cot and sat down. Then he looked up at me and patted the spot beside him. Once I had come over and sat down next to him Phil began to explain. "No. I had been dead. Loki stabbed me right through the heart. It's a long story how I was brought back and there are many details that are too painful for me to talk about. All I can say id T.A.H.T.I. really sucked." He paused and turned his gaze to me. "My brush with heroes cost me, nearly everything. There still feels like there's a piece missing." He wrapped his arm around my shoulder and pulled my close to his side. "This was never a life I wanted for you. Normal people were never meant to withstand what we've been through. We've both paid high prices for trying to make the world a better place. It's a price I'm willing to pay, but I'm not ready for you to pay it."
"I'm fine. Jemma said I'll be okay."
"But you died and that was never supposed to happen." Phil protested.
"What?! And you were supposed to die?" I launched myself off the cot and rounded on Phil so we were face to face. "We both knew the risks when we signed up for this job. You thought the Avengers were worth it. Right? Well I thought making sure Bucky never fell back into HYDRA's hands was worth it to. I respected you decision, as much as it hurt me. Respect mine. If you're going to be fighting HYRDA I want in."
I saw Phil consider this for a moment and then he switched into over protective Uncle Mode. "Out of the question." But before I could protest he continued. Bucky?" Phil looked confused. Then realization dawned on his face. "The Winter Soldier. He's dangerous."
A humorless laughed escaped me. "Believe me, I know. But he needs help. Where is he, I want to see him?"
Phil shook his head I the negative and stood up from the cot so he could glare down at me. "He's been a brainwashed Agent of HYDRA for over sixty years. No one is qualified to help him! He could snap at any moment. I don't want you around him, he's dangerous."
"I know he's dangerous!" Our conversation was starting to turn into a yelling match. Not how I wanted the first conversation I'd had with my Uncle in two years to turn out. "Listen. He could have hurt me dozens of times but he didn't. Bucky came back for me even though he knew that HYDRA was going to kill him if they found him."
"The Winter Soldier is too much of a risk."
"You know who else is dangerous and a risk? Bruce Banner. He's killed people when he's lost control and Hulked out. And he's an Avenger! And you know what? I've spent plenty of time with him I'm still standing."
This seemed to stun Phil much like my earlier slap. "You've met Banner."
"Yeah and I'm fine. He's really great, though Tony was a bit of an ass. Anyway Steve was with me the whole time."
Phil grabbed my shoulders and stared at me wide eyed. "You're on a first name basis with Captain America?!"
"Um."
"What on Earth have you been doing the last two years?"
"I've been working to protect the Earth as an Agent of SHIELD. And boy have I failed miserably. SHIELD may be gone and I may have failed to detect HYDRA until it was too late but I'm still an Agent, and that carries weight with me. Bucky helped me and now I have to help him. He is not the Winter Soldier. I've met the Winter Soldier. He was an emotionless shell that HYDRA used to murder and that it not Bucky. I don't know how much he remembers but I know the knowledge of what he's been forced to do is eating away at him. And if I just stand by and let him slip into madness then I will be failing him and Steve, and I will be letting HYDRA win. I will not let that happen!" My arms and legs were shaking and my rage at HYDRA over the destruction they'd wrought was barely contained. I had to cross my arms across my chest and take several deep breaths to calm myself down. "HYDRA has destroyed everything that I… that we stood for and fought for. Please let me try to salvage something. Take me to him."
"You think he is worth saving?" Phil asked.
"I do."
Phil hung his head, I'd beaten down his resolve but I could tell he was nowhere near happy about it. "Fine. Follow me."
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"Was all that really necessary?" I asked eyeing the security footage of Bucky in the Bus's titanium reinforced cell.
"It held Lady Sif. It should hold him." The Agent introduced to me as May stated matter of factly.
I didn't missed the heated glare Phil sent her way. I made a mental note to ask him about that later.
Jemma came up from below where the labs were located. She walked right up to me and crushed me in a suffocating hug. "Fitz sends his love but he has to stay below and continue repairs on the Bus before we land." She pulled away and watched the live feed from inside Bucky's cell with me. "Once we convinced him that you were going to be okay he willingly went into the cell." Then she leaned in close so only I could hear her. "What's going on with you two?" She eyed the screen pointedly.
I jerked back from her, traitorous heat flaring up on my cheeks.
"Are you okay Clara." Phil suddenly asked breaking into our conversation.
"Why wouldn't I be?" I asked, my brows furrowing in confusion.
"Your cheeks are glowing." Jemma smile conspiratorially at me.
"Damn." I slapped my hands to my cheeks and glared at Jemma. If every time I blushed I started to glow I was going to have a hard time trying to keep anything secret. Not that I had anything to keep secret where Bucky was concerned. Nope, not at all. Finally the heat in my skin died down and I lowered my arms.
"Come on." Phil said and he began to lead me across the plane. "I already informed him over the com that you were coming in." We came to a heavily reinforced door right outside the cockpit. Phil unlocked the door and held the door open for me. "If anything happens of if you need help Agent May and I will be watching the both of you from the cameras in there."
"I'll be fine Phil." I protested.
Phil peered into the steel-lined cell where Bucky was sitting against a wall patently observing us. When he was finished staring at Bucky he turned his worried gaze back to me.
"He could have hurt me many times before this, but he didn't. Need I remind you who carried me onto the plane when I got shot?"
He shook his head. "You have until we land." He reached into the holster under his suit jacket and handed me his gun.
I looked down at the gun, then back up at him. "You've got to be kidding."
"Just do it, for me." Phil said as he closed the door behind me and locked me in with Bucky.
"Ok." I mumbled under my breath as I heard all the locks and safety mechanisms click into place. For a moment I thought that perhaps Phil was overreacting, but then I remembered the damage I'd seen Bucky do when we were running for our lives in the Air and Space Museum and I began to question if even this cell could hold him if he didn't want to be held.
I moved further into the room, deliberately placing Phil's gun on the small interrogation table so not only Bucky, but anyone watching through the cameras would get the message that I had no intention of using it. I could practically heard Phil cursing in my head, I was so going to get an ear full when I got out of here.
"So…" I hesitated, this was the first time Bucky and I had spoken since, well since I'd died. Now that I was only a few feet from him I saw that the dark circles under his eyes had, if anything gotten darker and larger. I couldn't help but wonder if he'd gotten any sleep at all since this whole ordeal started. At least I'd gotten some sleep, granted I'd been knocked out both times, but it sort of counted. He sat on top of a thin mattress on the floor of the cell with his back against the wall and one leg drawn up so his metal arm rested on it while his other leg was laying straight out in front of him. When I was about three or so feet from him I sat down cross-legged so we were facing each other. "How are you?" I asked.
"That's my line." Bucky's gaze darkened. "Are you ok?"
"As fine as I guess I could be. Still really freaked out and when this is all over I'll have a good little breakdown, but I'm okay. I glow like a freakin glow-stick now" My attempt at humor failed. He gave me a look that clearly conveyed he had no idea what a glow-stick was. "It's some form of extremis, sorta of like a super soldier serum. Though were not entirely sure what this strain of extremis does. My friend Jemma is going to run some tests on me later." I narrowed my eyes at him. "Don't think I don't know you're avoiding my question." Then I repeated my question, though more softy this time around. "How are you?"
He studied me carefully before answering. "I remember."
His answer caused me to furrow my brows. "You remember what?"
Pain and regret flashed across his eyes before he lowered his gaze to the floor. "Everything."
"Everything!" I nearly shouted in surprise. "How?"
"When Steve and I were fighting on the helicarriers he was yelling at me, pleading with me to remember, and I did. I remembered him, the war, every damn mission I went on, every person I was forced to take out." He paused and folded his hands together. His metal hand started making groaning noises and I worried for a moment that he might crush his own flesh hand with his metal one. "There are gaps, holes from when I was put on ice for God knows how long." If it was even possible his expression darkened. "I don't even know what year it is."
His flesh hand started to turn dangerously blue. Cautiously I reached over and tried to slowly pry his metal fingers off his flesh hand. "Bucky," I said softly, "you need to stop, you're going to hurt yourself." Bucky seemed to snap out of it and he realized what I was trying to do. Quickly he dropped his hands to his sides.
"What is that last year you remember?" I raised my gaze so we were looking eye to eye.
"The last year I remember clearly was 1944." Bucky answered.
My eyes went big. "Uh…" I was at loss for words. It was like when Steve first woke up. I hadn't been present but Steve talked to me about how disorienting and lost he felt when he realized that seventy years had passed. How could I tell Bucky that he'd been used as a living weapon for almost seventy years, that the world was completely different and most likely everyone he knew was dead?
Bucky noticed my reaction and shifted anxiously. "I know it's been a long time. I'm not blind to how everything has changed." He raised his hands and gestured at the high tech cell we were presently in. "In my time we only had bars and a one way mirror if we were lucky."
"I don't know if I should be the one to tell you." What if telling him how long it's been is the last thing to send him over the edge?
"I don't think I'd want to hear it from anyone but you." Bucky answered, his truthfulness shocked and touched me.
Taking a deep breath I built up my courage and gave Bucky his answer. "It's 2015." However long Bucky might have been thinking he'd been under Hydra's control, his expression told me that he never thought that it was as long as it was. "I'm so sorry."
Bucky started quivering until he lashed out and slammed his metal arm into the wall behind him, leaving a fist shaped dent. "You shouldn't be sorry! It's those sons a bitches who did this to me who should be sorry!"
My heart suddenly went into overdrive, but I knew that if I jumped away from him or showed how much his outburst had rattled me May and Coulson would be rushing in with tranquilizer guns, maybe even real guns. So I forced myself to stay sitting exactly where I was, I knew he wouldn't hurt me. This was world altering news for him to hear.
Bucky had to take several deep breaths before he was calm enough to speak. When he did speak his voice was the softest I'd ever heard it, a huge contrast to the way he'd been roaring moments before. "I didn't mean… I'm sorry I yelled like that." He apologized. Then he continued, almost to himself. "I never used to be like this, before…"
I turns to the camera and gave a thumbs up, signaling that all was good in here and to stop whatever measures Phil was undoubtedly about to unleash in the cell. "Bucky," I said turning to him, carefully measuring each of my words before I continued, "you're allowed to feel things. What was done to you was unforgivable. If anyone has a reason to be pissed off at the hand the universe dealt them you do."
"I remember you." His sudden change of topic threw me off balance.
"Course you do, I was there the last time they wiped your memory."
"No." He shook his head, he scrunched his eyes up as if he was in pain and pressed his fists to his forehead. "Before that. On one of my missions. I'd been trialing you for days, you were the only solid lead I had on one of my targets. I saw you in a room with that target before I took him out."
The realization of what Bucky was talking about was like a kick to the gut. Fury. I hadn't forgotten one of his missions was to take out Fury, I'd been there when he shot him.
"I'd understand it if you blamed me, you have every right to hate me. I killed him, whoever he was to you. You were shot because of me." Bucky suddenly stood and walked to the other side of the cell in a haste to put distance between us.
I stood to, ready to follow, but nothing I had in mind to say seemed like it was going to help this situation. Finally words found themselves into my mouth of their own accord. "You're right, I did blame you. I didn't know who you were at the time, why you did what you did. I blamed you for killing Fury and I hated you for it." Bucky took each wood like a wrestler would take a punch to the gut, never straying his gaze from mine. "I blamed you right up until I saw you for the first time." Bucky's eyes widened in shock. "You were starting to fight against the control HYDRA had over you so they strapped you to a chair. They hooked electrodes to your head so they could burn away your memories and stop you from fighting back. Then I realized you were just as much a victim as the rest of us… probably more. It's like blaming a gun for the bullet it shot. You were a gun and someone was pulling your trigger. They are the ones I blame. They are the ones who killed Fury and shot me. Not. You. I don't blame you. So don't blame yourself."
I stopped for a moment to catch my breath. I was on the edge of tears but there was still more I wanted to and needed to say. Letting out a sigh I continued. "Steve told me about his childhood friend. The man who always stuck up for him and even died for him. His friend who was a hero. I know that he's still in there somewhere."
Bucky started shaking his head and slid down one of the walls until he was sitting on the floor. "What if that person died a long time ago?" He asked dejectedly.
"He didn't. The person I'm talking about is the same person I've been traveling with the last few days and it's the same person who saved me yesterday." Then I knelt down so we were eye level. "He's a person I hope to see more of. You were a hero once, and you can be again."
Bucky mulled this over before nodding slowly.
"Okay." I smiled, then reaching out I took both his hands in mine. He tensed up for a second, but he didn't pull away and he relaxed after a moment. Then I turned to one of the cameras tucked away in a little corner on the ceiling. "Now, can we please let him out of here for crying out loud?!"
The sound of the door unlocking filled the room and we both looked towards the now open door.
"We have ten minutes until we land." Phil's voice sounded over the loud speaker. "Bundle up, it's going to be very very cold."
Author's Note: So what do you all think? I know it was kind of a filler chapter but I've actually had most of this chapter written out for months and I was so excited to finally use the material. I have more chapters coming really soon.
