A/N: I am so sorry for the long wait for updates! I thought I'd have more time to write after school got out, but I forgot to factor in my two jobs. Thanks for your patience, and I hope this chapter's up to snuff, considering 3am's the only time I have to write anymore...
Last chapter was all Bleach characters.
This chapter will not be a mystery. I dedicate it to the *sob* recently completed FMA. At least the manga ended better than the first anime did. No freaking nazis this time...
And, yeah. I own nothing. Except for my manga collection and a rather cool State Alchemist pocket-watch. =P
(Warning for language. Renji's a bit pissed off. )
Snap.
FOOM!
"The movement I saw was five degrees to the left, sir."
"Hm. Thank you, Lieutenant. Let's try this again, shall we?"
Snap.FOOM!
Renji awoke to the rather terrifying sight of a massive fireball erupting, about six inches from his face. Rather than sitting up, he decided to take the wiser(?) course of action, and stay where he was. This proved to be a very bad idea, however, as the next flame bloomed, this time setting his socks and sandals on fire. Screeching, he jumped up.
Snap. FOOM! "Did I get whatever that was, Lieutenant?"
"Yes sir. It appeared to be a person, but we'll probably have a hard time telling, now."
"Well, at least I haven't entirely lost my touch. I really hope whoever that was died quickly..." The male voice lost some of its authority, here, gaining a sheepish tone, if one had the training and experience to hear it. Renji did not.
"What the hell? You fucking set me on fucking fire and THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY? you fucking bastard!"
"Hm. Sounds like Fullmetal, in his choice of words, anyway. But if he really is alive after that, he must be a Homunclus that we missed. Oh well."
Snap. FOOM!
"GOD DAMNIT STOP SETING ME ON FIRE! I AM NOT A FUCKING HOMUNCU-WHATSIT!" This earned Renji a pause.
"... Homuncu... whatsit? Seriously? Who are you? You don't die when I set you on fire, but you act like you've never heard of Homunculi. So who, or perhaps what, are you?"
"I'm PISSED, is what I am. I wake up, Urahara-knows-where, to a fireball six inches from my nose. Than my feet burst into flame, and now you're name-calling! You bastard, can't you see that I'm not a homo-whatever? I'm a freaking Shinigami! Now lay off, Bastard!" Renji's outburst earned him nothing whatsoever from the bastard arsonist, but his rather pretty blonde companion was a different story.
BANG. Renji heard a loud, sharp crack, then a tiny piece of metal came screaming through the air towards his head. He tried to dodge, and ended up having to Shunpo to get away.
"Lieutenant?" The arsonist asked.
"Just watching your back, sir. Like always. And I know you hate being called Bastard."
"Eh. Fullmetal does it so much I'm pretty much immune now. Besides, I know people who deserve that title much more. Like that brat, Pride."
"I fully agree, but wait a minute, sir. He's not dead." The blonde 'Lieutenant' had finally noticed the absence of Renji's bleeding corpse.
"What, you missed?" came the incredulous reply. "I have an excuse, Lieutenant. I am blind. Are you?
"No, sir."
Renji listened to them talk, then took pity (not much) on the confused duo. "Over here," he called from a few meters in to the forest. "I'll come out and talk if you promise not to attack again."
"Fine. You interest me, not-homunculus."
"I told you already, I'm a Shinigami."
"Shinigami are not real. I am a scientist, and do not believe in gods. Any kind of gods."
"Well, too freaking bad. 'Cuz I'm a Shinigami." Suddenly, Renji stopped. He noticed a pain on his forehead that had been nagging at him for the past few minutes, but he couldn't tell what it was. "Whatever. Can you take me somewhere I can get cleaned up? I'm not a Homunculus and I won't attack you."
"Fine."
Renji was taken out of the woods, towards a city that looked like it had just been through a war. He commented on this fact, and was informed that yes, it had just been through a war. Against extremely powerful and nearly-impossible-to-kill monsters, led by someone with a major god-complex. This gave Renji a rather bad case of deja-vu, and it was at that point that he shut up, trying once again to guess what the burning feeling on his forehead was.
"God. Fucking. Damn it. No way. He must have planned this. URAHARAAA!" Renji was looking into a mirror, and had finally discovered the source of the burning sensation. Stuck to his forehead was a mass of black, molten plastic, with a couple of round chrome smudges. "How did I even have these in the first place? He fucking planned this. Somehow. BASTARD!"
Suddenly, Renji's shouts were interrupted again, by an unwelcome, but at least familiar person. "You!"
"You!" was the equally startled reply. "What is the pineapple doing here? You didn't come to take revenge about the sunglasses, did you? They really DID look better when I finished with them." The golden-haired midget from the start of Renji's misadventure had stormed into the room, hoping to find the source of all the noise and make it stop. Renji noticed immediately that while it had only been a few months since they met in the street, the boy looked MUCH older around the eyes, if not any bigger in body.
Renji was too tired, sore and deptessed to really be angry. "Oh, fuck the glasses, and fuck you too... Hold on, never mind that last!" (Renji's brain had, at this point, begun to work. He had seen this boy in Karakura, and he was seeing him here. So theoretically, the golden brat should know how to get Renji home... was the thought in the much-abused readhead's head)
"How did you get back here from where we met? Can you tell me how to get home? Pleeease?" (Renji's brain had apparently turned back off, because his attempt to copy Rukia's puppy eyes was decidedly less inspired than his previous bright ideas.)
"GAHH! Yes, but only if you do two things. One, get that horrible grimace off of your face before I smash it in. Two, explain to me why Colonel Bastard thinks you're a Homunculus. And why it looks like he set you on fire to test that theory."
"I don't know why the blind maniacal arsonist thinks I'm a homo, but it looks like he set me on fire because he DID set me on fire. Three times. And then his bitch tried to shoot me."
"Ho-.. ho- homo?" The blond midget fell to the floor, rolling around and laughing hard enough to break ribs. Homo! That's rich! Well, you obviously aren't a homunculus, which means that Colonel Bastard tried to blow you up for no good reason. Meaning that you just made my day! Usually it's me he tries to set on fire. Alright, follow me, I've got a map back to Japan."
'Hmm... was that a little too easy?' thought Renji as he took his leave of the crazy blonde midget. Then he remembered the molten Oakleys still stuck to his forehead, as well as the multiple burns covering his body and what was left of his clothing. So, Renji spent the next few weeks following the kid's map back to Japan, trying to come up with a plot dastardly enough to get Urahara back. 'I'm not devious enough for this,' was his final decision. 'I'll get Gin to help me. He may be a treacherous, evil bastard, but I know Matsumoto's still got him on speed dial...And that fucking mad scientist deserves what's coming to him.'
At that exact moment, Urahara broke into a violent sneezing fit, rendering all of Renji's plots pointless. Tessai's 'Alternative Medicines' came through once again, and by the time the fuming (both literally and figuratively) Shinigami reached the store, the exiled former captain was so miserable that even Renji took pity on him. He then left for Sereitei and home, hoping to get cleaned up and catch up on his sleep. Only to be met, once again, by his (usually) impassive captain.
"So Renji, do you still think that I'm gay? Shire, Senbonzakura."
'Oh, shit. Not again...'
A/N: Blind or not, Mustang is badass. There is no denying it.
