Have fun with them they had been told. And that was what they would do.

The torches smoked and spat from where they stuck out at angles along the main walkway to the centre of the town and the sound of a horn being blown and discs being smashed together sounded above the cheers and singing of the Goblins that filled the cavern.

The citizens of Goblin Town were obviously enjoying themselves immensely as they watched the Night Guard tug and push at the fowl smelling, soaking wet Dwarves and led them nearer to the centre of the town – oh, the night shift workers in the depths of the mountain range would be furious that they had missed out on this. An audience had gathered along the higher walkways and cheered in glee as they watched the procession come to a stop in the middle of the town in front of the giant Goblin who had just finished his song and was clearing his throat.

"What do we have here?" he demanded, projecting his voice marvellously through the cavern so even those perched on the highest of the ledges could hear him.

"Spies?" a cheer went up from them.

"Thieves?" another cheer.

"Assassins?" they went wild as the giant Goblin stretched his arms out and turned in a circle acknowledging their presence.

One of the guards stepped forward nervously, shuffling his feet about anxiously as the crowd hushed, waiting to hear what this new figure had to add to the proceedings. It had been some time since such entertainment had been brought to them.

The guard edged forward, never taking his eyes from the giant Goblin.

"Dwarves you malevolence," he announced and some hoots arose from the ledges in appreciation of this fancy word. Beautiful. It really was. What a word!

"We found them on the front porch," the guard had gained a bit more confidence and his voice grew stronger with every word and every reaction of the crowd.

Gasps of horror and booing were aimed at the Dwarves after this announcement, while others smiled and elbowed each other knowing it was their trap door that had led to the Dwarves being caught.

"Dwarves!" the giant bellowed, still feeling less than charitable to the group after their reactions to his song.

Really 'abomination' was putting it a bit strong wasn't it?

"Search them," he ordered and the guards began to paw at the Dwarves.

A bag of silver fell clanging to the ground.

The nervous Goblin cleared his throat again and held out a shining candelabrum to be inspected, the brown sack grasped in his other hand hung open revealing a selection of other shiny knick-knacks.

"It is my belief your great protuberance, that these Dwarves are in league with Elves,"

More gasps from the onlookers at this unexpected twist. Who would have thought it? Dwarves and Elves? What was the world coming to?

The Great Protuberance took the silver candlestick gently by the stem and turned it upside down.

He studied the markings on the base.

"Made in Rivendell, hmmm," he glared at the Dwarves, "second age," he announced, "Couldn't give it away," he threw it into the crowd, sure that someone would catch it.

"Strip them of their weapons," he growled and the guards went quickly to work, being sure to place all of the weapons in a pile to be gone through later, "We will show them how unexpected visitors are dealt with here,"

The Dwarves began to fight against their captors once again as their weapons were taken from them.


As the Dwarves were struggling so violently it took them some time before they realised that first, the Goblins weren't actually doing any damage with their rough treatment and whips (in fact they were striking their clothing and not with enough force to even bruise through the material) and second, things had gone very quiet.

"Really now, must you all cause such a fuss wherever you go?" a stern, steady voice queried clearly and one by one they stopped their struggling and turned to find their burglar standing on the walkway behind them shadowed by a group of Goblins. Her arms were folded across her chest and she was frowning at them as though they were children who had done something to disappoint her.

"That's more like it," she nodded her head once all of them stood still.

"Bilbo what-" began Kili only to receive a sharp prod in the side from a guard.

"Speak when spoken to," the creature snarled at him as the Dwarves were forced apart to create a path and their burglar passed through them, her head held high and with an air as regal as any queen.

She came to a stop before the giant Goblin who had bowed before her and she turned to face them.

"Now then, if you can all be trusted to behave yourselves, you will be released,"

Obviously taking their shocked silence as acceptance she gestured for the guards to loosen their bonds and back away.

All of their thoughts were so scattered none of them even considered running for it when their hands were freed.

"Your majesty," grovelled the large creature at Bilbo's back, busying himself with lifting his 'throne' and handing it down to a group on the walkway directly below him, "May I be the first to welcome you back. The mountains once again shine brightly with your presence. my lady,"

"As eloquent as ever sir," their burglar smiled at the grotesque creature.

The Dwarves stood in open mouthed astonishment as the Goblin stood to the side to reveal a small chair – a throne of sorts from the decorative carvings that adorned the arm rests – and their burglar sat in it.

She gestured for one of the Goblins who had taken up a post at the side of her chair, her eyes never leaving them. They were narrowed, dangerous.

"Captain, double the watch," her voice was different, so sure and commanding as she spoke to the Goblin who had bent towards her.

The Goblin nodded his head but there was a slight tilt to it that showed he didn't know why he was to so this thing.

Bilbo simply smiled and some of the company tensed, knowing her reason behind the order.

"We are expecting the company of a very meddling wizard,"

The Goblin snarled something and the next thing a horn sounded throughout the silent cavern.

The Company couldn't believe that the creatures who had been hooting and hollering only seconds before were capable of such stillness.

For the first time they noticed her change in dress.

Gone was the travelling clothes, the red jacket, short trousers and waist coat. In there place was a grey gown that showed a figure none of them knew she had possessed beneath the large men's clothing she had worn through their journey.

The gown hung from high on her neck to the floor, it had made her appear to float when she walked. Long sleeves hid her arms and gloves encased her hands – making them appear even smaller than they were.

What drew their attention though was the silver decoration that sat on her head. It was made of some of the finest silver any of them had seen. The delicate band encircled her head, some of it hidden by her hair that was no longer confined to a tight bun but had been loosely swept up, the curls hanging from where they had been pinned. Small chains of silver hung at the front from each side of her face, catching the torch light as she moved.

She sat back in the throne like chair and studied them, her eyes harder than any of them had ever seen them, even when they were emptying her pantry.

Finally she spoke, a sharp smile on her face and even sharper gleam in her eyes - or was it just the silver that made it seem so.

"I welcome you to my realm, gentlemen,"

-To Be Continued-


A wee bit of trivia for you - This is the very first chapter I wrote of this story - believe it or not. I had first intended to make this a crack (?) one-shot and then I got to thinking that I could make a proper story out of it so TADA that's what happened.

Obviously there are some changes from the way things were in the film at this bit - it was also inspired by the extended edition :)