Chapter 9: Summer Tears
Present Day, Early August, Night
Emily lay back on the sand, suddenly feeling exhausted. The sounds of the ocean waves and the teenagers partying surrounded her and she was bored. It felt like the only thing she ever did was go to bonfire parties on the beach and then find a private place with Gerry to fool around. She had come to this particular party with Karen and her friend Faith, but both girls had disappeared into the throngs, probably looking for cute boys to flirt with. She wasn't sure where Gerry was and she considered just going back home, but instead she flopped onto the sand, kicking off her flip flops and digging her toes into the cooling powder.
"Hey." Gerry's voice startled her and she propped herself on her elbows to look at him as he sat down beside her. "What are you doing over here?" Gerry asked, as he offered her one of the two bottles of beer that he held.
Emily sat up and took the beer, sniffed at it, and wrinkled her nose. "Yuck," she said.
Gerry laughed, taking the beer back from her and putting it down by his sandal clad feet. "What are you a beer snob all of a sudden?" he asked.
Emily shook her head. "I don't know, my stomach is a little upset," she told him.
Gerry raised an eyebrow. "You want to go home?" he asked. Emily wondered if he was offering to leave the bonfire to walk her home. She thought he'd probably want to stay.
"I'm okay." She shrugged. "I almost threw up this morning."
"Almost?" Gerry asked. He looked slightly concerned, probably thinking that if Emily was sick, he might catch it.
"I was just a bit nauseous," she clarified. Then, "I think I might be pregnant."
"What?"
Emily could literally see the color draining from Gerry's face and she almost laughed. "I mean, I almost never get my period on time or whatever, but I haven't had it recently and when I got nauseous I started thinking it could be possible." She said this all in a rush. She was sleeping with him, but discussing her period with a boy was still strange.
"We used condoms though," he said.
Emily shrugged. "They don't always work," she said. "And remember that time when your dad interrupted us and we kind of…" She trailed off. The time they had been interrupted was their very first time.
"Wow," Gerry said, staring out towards the bonfire and the ocean beyond. "What are you going to do?" he asked.
"You mean what are we going to do?" Emily retorted.
Gerry looked at her. "I just mean…it's your body, so…I'll support you whatever you want to do," he stammered.
Emily felt bad for him suddenly. She took his hand and pulled it around her shoulder so she could lean into him. He held her somewhat awkwardly and she sighed. "Thanks," she finally answered. He began to lower her down to the sand and he moved to kiss her, but she pressed her hand into his chest to stop him. "I'm not really feeling that great," she told him.
"Still?" he asked.
"Yeah." She sighed, feeling the prickling of tears at her eyes. She didn't know what she was going to do.
"I think we should find out," he said suddenly.
"Find out what?" Emily asked, not understanding Gerry's train of thought.
He stood, pulling her to her feet beside him. "You don't know for sure you're pregnant, right?" he said, continuing without waiting for her reply. "We should go buy a pregnancy test and once we find out for sure, then we can worry about it."
Emily nodded. "Yeah, okay," she agreed. She wasn't sure she really wanted to know, but Gerry was right. There was no use in putting it off. Finding out if she was pregnant or not could help to ease her mind.
They walked together to the 24-hour pharmacy and went inside. Gerry held Emily's hand on the way there, but when they started into the store, he let go, moving away from her. It didn't take her long to realize why, as he began grabbing snacks off of the shelves. He was embarrassed. "I know that guy," he hissed in her direction, confirming her suspicions of the reason for his behavior. He gestured towards the cashier, who was paying no attention to the couple. "Can you buy it?" he asked her.
Emily sighed. So much for supporting her, she thought. But she nodded at Gerry and found her way to the aisle that housed the pregnancy tests, picked one out, and grabbed a few other things – a magazine, a chocolate bar, a soda – to possibly distract the cashier from paying attention to her items. It seemed to work, as he didn't even look at her as he told her how much she owed.
She met up with Gerry outside of the store. "Now what?" she asked him.
"We can go to my house," Gerry told her.
"Your dad – " Emily began, but Gerry stopped her.
"He's away," Gerry said. "He's not coming back until tomorrow. You could even stay over if you wanted!"
Emily rolled her eyes. "Um, no thanks," she said. "Where'd your dad go? He's not with my mom…" She trailed off at Gerry's suddenly guilty look. He tugged on Emily's hand and they started walking in the direction of his house as they talked.
"Actually he went to see my mom," Gerry explained.
"He did?" Emily was surprised, she thought her mom had talked to Fitz and she expected them to be spending more time together, not for Fitz to visit his wife.
"I think he's going to talk to her about their plan," Gerry said.
"What plan"? Emily asked.
Gerry took a breath. "I think the plan is a divorce," he said.
"Oh," Emily answered. That made sense. She wondered if her mother knew about this development. And then she realized they were talking about Gerry's family. "I'm sorry," she said.
Gerry shrugged at her. "It's been a long time coming, really," he told her, and she nodded, accepting that Gerry was okay with the situation.
As they arrived at Gerry's house, Emily remembered the other situation they had to think about – whether she was actually pregnant. Gerry led Emily straight to his bedroom and they sat on his bed, somewhat awkwardly, considering. Emily reached into the bag from the store and withdrew the box containing the pregnancy test. "Okay," she mumbled, as she read the directions. She got up and went into the bathroom, closing the door firmly behind her.
Sitting there on the toilet, Emily told herself that everything would be fine. That her mother would understand. That even if Gerry wasn't happy with her decision, it was her decision to make. And she already knew that if she was pregnant, she would be going through with the pregnancy. She would have the baby and have it adopted. She wanted to keep the baby, of course, but she knew she wouldn't be able to take care of a baby. But she could bring joy to someone else's life with the gift of a baby. That is, if she was pregnant.
And sure enough, the test was positive.
A Few Days Later, Afternoon
Fitz stood in front of the barbecue on his back patio, grilling steaks for dinner. Olivia and Emily were coming over and he could not be happier. In fact, he was dancing a little bit, swinging his hips and bobbing his head as he flipped the steaks. There wasn't music playing, but Fitz was happy enough to dance to his own beat. He felt like he was making progress back into Olivia's heart, and he was more than ready to see her again when she arrived at his place soon.
The get together had been Gerry's idea, but Fitz was happy to go along with his son's plans. He imagined that Gerry felt similar to himself – summer was slowly reaching its end and soon enough, Olivia and Emily would return to their home in the city. The thought made Fitz feel empty and he hoped that they could arrange a way to continue to see each other even then, because he knew he would have a hard time not seeing Olivia as often as he had been. This would obviously be harder for Gerry and Emily, as they both had school to worry about, but with his divorce from Mellie now in the works, Fitz thought he could arrange to move closer to Olivia's home. If she wanted him to, of course.
He sighed to himself and glanced up at the sky, which had filled with clouds. He had hoped the group would swim that evening, but if it rained his plans would have to change. He tossed his fully grilled steaks onto a plate and headed back towards the house, as a cool breeze blew through his hair and the first drops of rain began to fall.
By the time Olivia and Emily arrived on the doorstep, it was pouring. Fitz grinned at their matching curls and shining eyes as they laughed at one another's wet clothing. He noted the car in the driveway – they hadn't walked the whole way in the rain at least – but the rain was hard enough to soak them as they walked from their car to the house.
"Come in, come in," Fitz said, as if they were still getting wet standing on the porch. They weren't, but he felt hospitable by hurrying them into the house.
Olivia removed her hoodie, revealing another one of her silky tank tops that Fitz loved to see her wear. He guided her towards the dining room with a hand on the small of her back, wishing that he could touch more of her body. She rewarded him with a dazzling smile, which he happily returned, as they were greeted by Gerry and Karen, followed by a friend of Karen's coming down the stairs. "I'm starving!" Karen said, and Fitz smiled at her as well, feeling pleased and strangely proud of himself and the dinner he had made. He glanced over at her friend, wondering if she was on her way out, when Karen said, "Can Faith stay for dinner, Dad?"
Fitz had wanted this to be him, Olivia, and their kids, but he couldn't say no to Karen, and so he agreed. He looked towards Olivia to see her reaction, but she had continued into the dining room to sit at the table. Instead, he saw Gerry and Emily exchanging looks and he wondered if Gerry too had wanted their dinner to be just family.
They gathered at the table and Fitz brought in the plates of food he had made – steak, corn on the cob, and mashed potatoes. The kids had arranged themselves at the table so Gerry was at the head of the table with Emily and Faith on each side of him. Karen was on the other side of Faith and Olivia was beside Emily, leaving the other head of the table for Fitz. He grabbed a bottle of wine from the sideboard and sat down. He poured wine for Olivia and smiled at her happily, he watched Gerry's guilty looks as Faith tried to flirt with him, and he noticed that Emily was picking at her food and looking unhappy.
Clearing his throat, Fitz spoke to her, "Emily, can I get you something else to eat? Do you not like steak?"
She looked up at him, her eyes widening as if she was surprised he was addressing her. "No thanks, I'm not very hungry," she replied.
Olivia's eyebrows narrowed as she regarded her daughter. "Is everything okay?" she asked her daughter and Fitz found himself wincing because he thought Emily's lack of hunger was due to Faith flirting with Gerry.
He found that he was incorrect though, as he watched Emily take Gerry's hand. Gerry looked briefly at her, but then his eyes found his father's. Fitz felt a sudden clench in his stomach. Something was happening and he wasn't sure he was ready for it.
"Mom," Emily said. Olivia seemed to stiffen beside Fitz and he knew she felt the foreboding as well. "Mr. Grant," Emily continued, and Fitz smiled at her, hoping he looked encouraging enough for her to get on with her news. "I'm not eating because I don't feel very well," she said.
"What's the matter?" Olivia asked. Fitz closed his eyes.
"Actually, I'm pregnant," Emily said.
Fitz opened his eyes so he could look at Olivia. He set down the knife he'd been holding and interlaced his fingers together, propping his elbows on the table and his chin on his hands. The silence that engulfed the group was almost deafening. Olivia was frozen in place, her mouth slightly open, her eyes wide with shock. He wanted to yell, to explode at Gerry for not being careful, but he desperately wanted Olivia to speak first.
It was Karen who broke the silence. "Congratulations!" she said, sounding only slightly insincere. "I guess I'm gonna be an aunt then, huh," she added, a smirk on her lips as she looked at her brother.
"Yeah, congrats," Faith echoed, now looking like she'd rather be anywhere but there.
"Pregnant," Olivia said, finally speaking.
"Dad?" Gerry's eyes were pleading with Fitz, he almost looked like he wanted his father to yell at him.
"Pregnant?" Olivia said again, beginning to stand from the table. Fitz reached for her then, his hand brushing her arm. She met his gaze and his heart broke at the look in her eyes. She stood up fully, stepping away from the table.
"Liv," he said softly, trying to get her to stay, to engage with her daughter. She shook her head at him, her eyes filling with tears even as he watched. "Hey, we're going to be grandparents!" he said, trying to make a joke. It was obviously the wrong thing to say.
"We are not going to be grandparents, Fitz!" Olivia yelped. "I would be crazy if I let my daughter have a baby at sixteen years old!"
"Liv," Fitz tried again to calm her.
"Mom, you can't control whether I have the baby or not! It's my baby!" Emily exclaimed.
"So what," Olivia said, "you're going to go through with the pregnancy while you're in high school? And then you'll drop out so you can take care of it? Or are you going to ask me to help you out because – "
"Mom!" Emily interrupted, standing up beside Olivia. "I want to have the baby and give it up for adoption," she said.
Fitz silently begged Olivia to acknowledge her daughter. He pleaded with her in his head to tell Emily that she loved her no matter what. That even though it would certainly be hard to experience nine months of pregnancy and at the same time do well in school, she would be there to help her through. That labor would be horribly painful and difficult, but that as her mother, she would be there to hold her hand. And when she saw her baby and fell in love but still had to hand her over to someone else, she would be there to help her mourn. He knew Olivia would do all of these things, he just had to will her to say them out loud. But she just stared blankly at Emily. And it was Karen who broke the silence again.
"That's a really brave thing to do, Emily," she said. Fitz nodded, a slight grin appearing as he regarded his daughter. Yes, it would be brave to be pregnant in high school, to carry a baby for nine months and then give it away, that was the definition of brave.
Faith, again, echoed Karen. "Very brave, Emily," she said. She laid a hand on Gerry's forearm. "Don't you think so, Gerry?" she cooed, and Fitz winced. Was she really still trying to flirt with Gerry when his girlfriend had just revealed that she was having his baby?
Gerry spoke then, and Fitz forgot his earlier need to yell at him. "I think…" He paused, glancing at Faith, and then looking at Emily, who still stood beside Olivia. "I think that whatever Emily decides is the right thing to do. It's Emily's body after all."
"Thanks Gerry," Emily said, "I appreciate that." Gerry nodded at her seriously and Fitz turned his eyes back to Olivia, who was still silent.
"Okay," she said finally. "I think we should go."
Fitz got to his feet quickly, not sure if he planned to try to stop her from leaving or to walk her out, but she waved him away and before he knew it, she was gone. Emily looked at him and he was almost surprised that her eyes looked so sad. "I'm sorry," she said quietly, and then followed her mother out.
Fitz looked at his children, and at Faith, who had somehow managed to finish her plate of food and was helping herself to more mashed potatoes. He sighed. "Karen, would you and Faith clean up when you're finished eating?" he asked, and his daughter nodded. "Gerry," he said then. Gerry stood and followed his father out of the dining room and down the hall to the room Fitz had been using as an office – the same room that would always feel like Olivia to Fitz.
Fitz faced his son and immediately felt badly that Gerry looked so terrified. "I'm proud of you, Son," Fitz began.
"Proud?" Gerry echoed, and Fitz recalled his father using the same words after catching him with Olivia so many years ago. The difference was that Fitz actually meant it when he said he was proud.
"You're doing the right thing, supporting Emily through this," Fitz told him. Gerry sank onto the couch. "It's not going to be easy, but being there for her is the best you can do right now," Fitz continued.
"I'm not ready to be a father," Gerry murmured. Fitz sat beside him and placed a hand on his shoulder.
"No one ever is, Buddy," he said, reverting to the nickname he'd called Gerry when he was much smaller. "It's gonna be okay," he promised. "We'll figure it out." Of course, he was saying this as much to himself as he was saying it to Gerry.
They sat together on the couch for a while, twin curly heads leaning back on the cushions as they each became lost in their own thoughts. When Gerry spoke again though, Fitz realized their thoughts had actually been similar to one another's. "Do you think Olivia will come around?" Gerry asked.
"I think she will," Fitz answered.
"Will you talk to her, Dad?" Gerry asked.
"Of course," Fitz replied. In fact, he was ready to head to Olivia's house at that moment, but he wanted to give her and Emily time before he interrupted them.
And so, an hour later, Fitz drove through the rain to Olivia's house and knocked on the door. Emily opened it and once again, Fitz was struck by the sadness of the girl's eyes. She was dressed in sweats and a tank top and looking at her brought Fitz right back to his summers spent with Olivia when they were young. "Is your mom here?" he asked.
"She's in her room," Emily replied, opening the door wide enough for him to walk through. She gestured down the hallway and then she walked away, leaving Fitz to assume she wanted him to go to Olivia on his own.
He knocked lightly on the door and listened, hearing a muffled call to come in. He opened the door to a dark room in which he could barely make out Olivia's form under the comforter on the bed. He came into the room and closed the door behind him. As he moved closer, he realized Olivia was facing away from him, her hair spread out on the pillow behind her. He walked around to the other side of the bed so that she could see him and when she looked up at him, her eyes widened in surprise.
"Fitz," she whispered. "I thought you were Emily."
He smiled and sat on the edge of the bed. His eyes adjusted to the dark enough for him to see that Olivia had been crying. He couldn't help it – he reached for her and gently stroked her face. She leaned her face into his hand for a brief moment and he felt the warmth of her breath on his palm. Then she moved back, towards the middle of the bed, and raised up the blanket. "Liv?" he asked.
"Fitz, please, come lay with me," she said softly. He toed off his sneakers and without giving it another thought, he removed his jeans, so that he was clad in his t-shirt and boxer briefs, and he climbed into bed beside her.
"I'm sorry I left like that," Olivia said quietly. She and Fitz were lying in her bed, face to face, not touching, but as close as they could be without touching one another.
Olivia had immediately felt badly for running out of Fitz's house earlier and had apologized to Emily, but she knew her daughter was upset with her for not staying and discussing everything together with Gerry and with Fitz. She had tried to explain that it was just too much for her to handle and that she'd just needed some time, and Emily had said she could understand that, but Olivia saw her daughter's eyes and knew how she really felt. So she had told Emily that she loved her and excused herself to her room, changing into a tank top and a loose pair of shorts and crawling into her bed, where she lay crying until the knock at the door came. She had readied herself for a discussion with Emily, but was surprised to see that her visitor was actually Fitz. She had to admit to herself that it was him that she truly wanted to talk to.
"Are you okay?" Fitz asked.
Olivia sighed. "I'm okay, it's just…Emily's still a baby in my heart, you know? I honestly wanted to leave tonight, to go back home and just get her baby pictures and remember when she was that small and…this just isn't what I wanted for her."
"Tell me what you want for her," Fitz encouraged.
"I wanted her to meet someone and fall in love. To get married, and then to get pregnant. To get pregnant on purpose, when she's ready to, not with the first guy she's slept with."
"He was her first?" Fitz asked. She just looked at him. Though it was dark in the room, she could clearly see his eyes. "Like us," he said.
"We were lucky, you know?" Olivia said. "It could have happened to us."
"I always thought we'd have children together," Fitz said.
Almost absentmindedly, Olivia raised her hand to his jaw and gently rubbed his stubble. "I know," she said quietly.
"This baby could be our chance. We could…"
"Fitz, stop," Olivia said, her throat clogging with too much emotion.
"Why?" he asked. "Maybe it's meant to be."
Olivia sighed and moved her hand around to his hair before pulling it away. "If you want to know how I feel, just imagine how you would feel if it was Karen that was pregnant," she said and he flinched.
"I'm sorry," he murmured. "Tell me more about what you want for Emily," he said. She had tucked her hand beneath her chin and he reached for it and held it in his larger one.
"I want her to find someone who puts her first in his life. Someone who is willing to help around the house. Someone who reaches for her when she climbs into bed at night, who doesn't complain if she snores because it's the cutest sound he's ever heard. Someone who looks at her like she is the most beautiful person he's ever seen. Someone who loves her and tells her he loves her all the time." Hot tears began to roll down Olivia's cheeks as she spoke. Fitz let go of her hand and cupped her face, using his thumb to wipe her tears.
"Liv," he said softly, his eyes filled with gentle concern. "Are you sure you're talking about what you want for Emily and not what you want for yourself?"
Olivia shook her head, sniffing and closing her eyes against even more tears. "I'm sorry," she whispered.
"You deserve all of that," Fitz said. "I can do all of that for you." He removed his hand from her face and she wished he hadn't.
"Fitz," Olivia choked out. Her throat ached with the truth that Fitz would have done everything for her; that they would have been great for each other if only she hadn't run from him. But she had, and it was years and years later and nothing was the same. She reached for his face, again stroking the stubble on his cheeks and running her thumb over his barely there sideburns. "I'm sorry," she said again, thinking she'd spend the rest of her life apologizing to him if he would just stay by her side.
Suddenly, Olivia felt that the few inches between her and Fitz were just too many and she wiggled herself closer to his body. First, she pressed her toes into his shin, the soft hairs tickling her just slightly. Then she maneuvered her chest into his, the warmth radiating off of him immediately comforting her. She put her head on his shoulder, but somehow her face met the soft skin on the curve where his neck met his shoulder, and she kissed him there. Gently at first and then harder as her tongue joined her lips and she tasted him. She felt more than heard his groan in response and she lifted her head to kiss his jaw. Instead, their lips met and melded together, their bodies pressing ever closer as she ran her hands over his muscular back.
Just as Olivia tried to deepen the kiss, Fitz pulled back, putting the inches back between them. She could still feel his warmth, but she felt the loss of his touch deep inside of her and she whimpered. "Liv, no," Fitz whispered, and Olivia felt the sting of rejection washing over her as tears came back to her eyes.
"What's wrong?" she asked him.
"I just think…you're sad," he said.
"So?"
"Why don't we just try to go to sleep?" he suggested, using his hand on her hip to turn her away from him, but then pulling her into the curve of his body. The warmth returned and Olivia sighed.
His arms around her felt right. She listened to his steady breathing and wondered if he felt it too.
He pressed his lips into the back of her neck and whispered, so softly she almost didn't hear him, "Good night, Livvie."
She didn't reply, but soon the feel of him and the sound of his breaths lulled her into sleep.
