Chapter Nine: Your Demons, Do They Ever Let You Go

"Not so fast, Dean," Joshua said after Sam blinked out of Heaven. "I have more thing to tell you, from me, personally, not God. I have something of a soft spot for Castiel. He's the angel of Thursdays, you know. He hears the prayers of all those conceived on Thursday. He's heard your prayers your whole life. He needs you, Dean, now more than ever. Please don't let him weather this storm alone."

Dean woke up, sucking in air like he'd forgotten how. He tried to process the events of Heaven, to wrap his mind around everything he'd learned. In between God not giving a shit, Sammy's deepest desires and Cas's pain, I don't have time to deal with being practically dead inside. Fuck. Sammy… now that was cold, he's been trying to get away from me his whole life... And Cas, he's… he's been there my whole life, and now he's even more in the same boat that we are, than ever. How is an angel going to process realizing he's a latchkey kid?

Dean was more touched than he could even admit to himself that Cas really was, for lack of a less gay description, his guardian angel, that Cas had loved him before he'd even known angels were was left of his heart nearly broke when he was forced to deliver the message from God to Cas. He looked at the amulet in his hand, and every fiber of his being ached to offer Cas the comfort Cas had offered him, and it hit him, all of sudden, like lightening to the chest.

This is it. This is love. I would give anything to spare him this. Son of a bitch, I'm in love with Cas, after all. I am so fucked. On top of how ragingly hurt he was by Sam, and the sheer stress of dying, Dean couldn't react, was too tired to do anything but stare at Cas as the angel tried to come to terms with his Father's abandonment.

Then, Cas was gone, and Sam was trying to pretend things weren't totally fucked. After Dean ended that by just walking out, they were off to change quarters and maybe get some sleep that didn't involve dying.

Separate rooms seemed more appropriate, after everything that had happened between the Winchesters. Dean stripped and fell into the sheets. He was barely asleep an hour when Cas appeared and crept into bed with him. He woke up the hunter with hungry kisses and bites along his neck and then the slow, firm pressure of Cas's incredible mouth around his dick.

"Oh, yeah…" he groaned, half asleep, and then Cas cupped his balls, dragging his nails softly over the seam. Dean was fully awake now. "Cas?"

Cas moved up his body, whispered in Dean's ear, "I want you to fuck me, Dean. Now."

Dean pushed Cas down on the bed below him. "I will. Slow down. Are you ok?"

"How could I be okay? I don't want to discuss it. Fuck me."

Dean didn't know what else to do, so he kissed Castiel gently on the mouth. He tasted liquor, but didn't say anything about it, instead slowly twisting his hand up and down the angel's shaft. Cas moaned and thrust against him, biting Dean's lip, raking his nails across Dean's back insistently. Dean deepened his kiss, pulling Cas's as close to himself as possible, refusing to quicken the pace of his strokes. "Dean. I need you in me, please." Dean looked Cas in the eyes, holding the gaze as he slid into Cas. He continued stroking Cas's cock, and as he felt the welcoming walls close around him, he moaned, "Fuck." Dean tried to make it last as long as possible, slowing his pace each time the angel sought to increase it, but finally, Castiel clenched around him in that perfect, electric way and pulled Dean forward as he climaxed against Dean's stomach. As Dean came, the words slipped out involuntarily, sincerely meant but worth nothing due to their circumstances.

"I love you." Cas looked like Dean had punched him in the stomach, and disappeared, leaving Dean alone and shaking in the aftermath.


Nothing matters. We are completely, utterly alone, and none of this matters. My Father abandoned us all, and nothing, not love, not hope, nothing will save us now. Empty words from an empty heart mean nothing, and I can't do this, I can't fight, I am not fucking strong enough. Cas didn't know where to go, he didn't even know what town he had sent himself to, he just knew he had to do something to stop the pain.

He wandered the streets, trying to make sense of his existence, and finally came to a stop in front of a grungy store with fluorescent lights proclaiming the sale of alcohol.

Well, there's something I can believe in, he thought.


Again, weeks passed with no word from the angel. In addition to the usual Apocalyptic doom, Dean had spent the time agonizing equally about Sam and his weaknesses and about Dean's own inability to help Castiel in his time of despair and obsessing about what being in love with Cas might mean for him. He watched a gay porno one night, but all it did was make him slightly uncomfortable. He figured it was just the situation, that Cas was readily available, and loved him, and that it was kinda comforting to have a sexual partner that could take care of himself in a fight. Well, sort of take care of himself. He figured someone who was dead inside can't really love anyway, so it was just a reaction to everything else that sucked around him. It didn't make him hurt any less for Cas, though.

As things between himself and Sam worsened, Dean's last shreds of hope slipped away. He could almost feel them snap, one by one. No matter what comfort he had taken in Cas, it didn't change what was about to happen. It didn't change Dean's belief that sooner or later, Sam would say yes, and then it really wouldn't matter who was gay or straight, who he loved or hated, they would all be dead. Dean was fucking terrified for the loved ones he had left. His thoughts wouldn't stop turning to Lisa and Ben these days, wishing he could protect them, and everyone else beloved to him from the coming storm, but for the first time, he didn't believe he could.

When Cas reappeared to help them in Blue Earth, drunk as fuck, Dean became absolutely convinced there was no hope. If Cas and Sam had lost faith, what reason did Dean have to keep it? He felt obligated to put on a brave face, but that was the moment he knew, there was no other choice but saying "Yes," to Michael.

He found the angel outside, weary, the same defeat that was consuming Dean consuming the angel as well. He tried then, to offer what sympathy and solace he could.

"Well, sometimes, you get to kill the Whore," he said, and offered his characteristic half smile. Cas looked at him, at least now looking more quizzical than sad. He sat down next to Cas, and put his arms around the slumped shoulders. "I'm sorry."

Cas shrugged him off. "It doesn't matter. We have more important matters to concern ourselves with now." The angel stood, staggering slightly.

"Really, man. It's going to be-"

"Okay?" a wry mockery of a smile twisted Cas's lips, "And how do you know that?'

"I don't," Dean said quietly. "It's just kinda what we say… And whatever I did the other night to make you go, I'm sorry for that, too."

"Dean. Can I ask something of you?"

"Yeah."

"Don't leave me. Please. Promise me, you won't leave. Not for Michael, not for anyone." The blue eyes were intensely serious.

The lie fell easily from Dean's lips. "I won't." The angel could have called him out on it, but he didn't. Maybe he was too drunk to mind-mojo Dean. Maybe it was easier to just believe.

When Dean left Blue Earth, he knew he was doing the right thing. Sam was gonna say yes, sooner or later, Cas was a fuckin' mess, and Dean was absolutely convinced that the only thing he could do at this point was sacrifice himself for the people he loved. He could see the faces of the people he'd failed- Jo and Ellen, Pamela, his parents, in his mind's eye, and he tried to picture the faces of the people he could save if he just said yes. Cas, with his faith restored, Sammy, able to be at peace, no longer feeling the pressure to fight like Dean and John. Dean pictured Lisa and Ben, almost fucking cried at the thought of Ben growing up, being guaranteed the chance to grow up. Dean suddenly knew where he had to go, one last stop before he called Zack.


Dean whispered in Lisa's ear, "Whether or not Ben's my blood, I will always think of him as my son," and kissed her, said good bye, and left, feeling empty inside. Before he'd seen her, it'd been so clear. Now, he didn't want to go, everything in him just wanted to go back and ask for that beer, to forget about all the damn supernatural fuckers after his ass, and just pretend that it was okay, that he could stay with her and live the American Dream.

If this is the right thing to do, he thought, then why do I feel like I'm fucking everyone over?

He wrote Sam and Bobby a letter, packed away his things. He started on his second bottle, trying to steel himself for what he knew was coming.

When he was brought back to Bobby's, he was fucking pissed again. He forgot the doubts instantly, and was instead just fuckin' pissed at Sam for once again acting like he was the smart one, the mature one, when it was his fuckin' fault that they were in this mess to begin with, when he was the one who was the raging, self righteous blood addict.

When Bobby shamed him, it almost worked, for a second. If Cas hadn't brought Adam back at that particular moment, maybe Dean would've cooled down enough to remember why he fought to begin with, but then it was all too apparent that here was another person who he couldn't fail again, couldn't let Adam suffer in Dean's place. It didn't help that Cas was acting like a slighted girlfriend, slinging little barbs at him. Dean could feel the fucking ice-cold eyes glaring at his back, and when he turned around and told Cas to blow him, the look on the angels face almost made him lose it, made him want to run over and apologize, but he couldn't.

Cas doesn't get it, he thought, he doesn't get that this is for him, this is for all of them. It's not about weakness, it's about acceptance.


Adam wasn't sure what the truth was, exactly, but he knew that these people were obviously not stable.

Do they realize how fucked up it is to be preaching love and family and blood while bickering incessantly? he wondered.

The older brother, Dean, seemed to be involved in some sort of lover's quarrel with the man in the trench coat, who was glaring daggers at Dean's back in between his bitter comments. When Dean told the guy to blow him, Adam could almost feel the sexual tension explode out of Trench-coat dude. The younger brother, Sam, was high on hippie bullshit, sappy and naive, obviously trying too hard to be what the other men thought he was. It did nothing to win Adam's trust that Dean obviously had no trust whatsoever in Sam's earnestness. He felt kinda bad for the wheelchair guy, having to put up with babysitting these idiots all the time, and not even being able to walk.

Okay, he thought, Dean's pretty funny. It might not have sucked entirely growing up around them, but then he thought about his mom, and remembered that this wasn't about what might have been. This was about his family.


"What the hell are you gonna do with that?" Sam asked as Cas pulled out a box-cutter.

"I need your help," Cas looked at Dean. "The banishing sigil, can you cut it into my chest?"

"Woah," Dean blinked, "That's genius, Cas. Yeah."

Cas unbuttoned his shirt, and Dean made the cuts quickly and lightly. His hands were steady as he slid the blade through the places he had caressed before. Dean could smell him- Cas was picking up human smells, the smells of road, cars, sweat, booze and blood.

As he sliced, it occurred to him that despite his betrayal of Cas, the angel still must trust him a little, at least, to let him cut him, even just to be here, ready to sacrifice himself for the Winchesters, ready to die for Dean, again. But it wasn't like shallow cuts meant much to an angel. Then again, Sam had brought him here, and Bobby kept going each day because of Dean. Why do these dumb sons of bitches see good in me? he wondered, why do they have faith in me that I don't have in myself? When he finished, he looked up and met Cas's gaze. "Good luck?" he said questioningly. There was so much more he wanted to say to Cas, but the words wouldn't come.

Cas said nothing, but he stepped close to Dean for a moment, and Dean felt something cold against his hand, and then felt Cas's fingertips linger against his for a moment. The look in Cas's eyes said everything Dean had just been thinking- that despite his actions, Cas still had absolute faith in Dean. When he looked down, he saw the angel killing sword.


Of course, Dean left him, twice. Castiel had beat the living shit out of Dean for it.

Hell hath no fury like what now? Standing in the alley, looking at the beaten body of his lover, Cas felt remorse for a minute. "I'm sorry," he murmured to the unconscious man. Even with the verbal barbs- Castiel had almost lost all control when Dean had made the comment about the way Cas looked at him. It hadn't bothered Cas at all that Dean had gone to Lisa- Ben was his kid, after all, and Cas knew exactly how much Dean loved her, even if Dean himself didn't get it, but it wounded him to know that Dean had lied to him, betrayed him, and then sent him away when Cas had gone to try and talk to him rationally, to explain how he had so much faith in Dean, and would give anything for him, and that all he asked in return was that Dean stay true to the sales pitch he'd given Cas in the Green Room, the day that Castiel had rebelled.

When Dean had looked at him, asked him to just do it, Cas knew his bluff was called. Dean knew as well as Cas did that Cas would never kill him, that Cas would in fact, do anything to save him, even if what was required was saving Dean from himself.

When Castiel walked into the Van Nuys warehouse, he was praying. He couldn't help it. Force of habit. He wasn't praying so much that God would make good Castiel's faith in Dean as that Dean was already worth it, unto himself.


Over the next days, Dean didn't want to believe Castiel was dead, but as day after day passed with no word from the angel, he started to lose hope that Cas was alive. I failed Adam, again, he thought, How am I supposed to go on, when everything is crumbling around me? How am I supposed to protect my family? The only reason I don't give up right now is that at least I didn't fail Sam. I didn't fail Cas. I didn't say yes, I kept fighting for what we believe in. At least I can be the man they believe me to be, even when we all die bloody.


When Cas woke up, sore and bloody and smelling of shrimp, he discovered that when one opened one's self up to the spectrum of human emotion, one can feel a million different emotions at the same time. The most surprising was relief to be alive. When he had gone into the warehouse, he had been ready to die and be done with the muck of humanity.

Dean, he thought suddenly. He reached out with the tiny flicker of Grace he still possessed, Not taken by Michael. Okay. Good, and then, completely drained of Grace, unconsciousness claimed him again.

He drifted in and out of consciousness for days. When he was out, for the first time in his life, he dreamed. He dreamed of Dean, of being human and being with Dean, of living the life he had heard Sam and Dean discuss so often, with white picket fences and apple pie. He dreamed of Star Trek and Clint Eastwood. He dreamed of Heaven, the way it was before God had abandoned them all.

Once, he dreamed of Gabriel. Gabriel came to him in his favorite place, the meadow with the kite, and gave him an ice cream cone.

"Hey, bro."

"Gabriel," Cas acknowledged, accepting the cone.

"I wanted to tell you something, before I vamoose. You were right, about the humans. I don't know why you like the short, scrappy fucker so much, Sammy's definitely the one to go for if you're into dudes, but in any case, you could do a lot worse than Dean. I was wrong to say he won't choose you. He already did, in the way that counts. He's hurting, without you, although he's disguising it with sarcasm and Casa Erotica. "

"That's how he is. Underneath all the bravado, he is every bit the Righteous Man. He is everything our Father loved about the humans," Cas looked at Gabriel, "Where are you going?"

"Lucy got me. I'm done, I'm gone, I'm rambling on, Cassy. But I wanted to tell you that you were right. They are better than us. They forgive, they try to be better. I wish I'd realized it before it was too late, but there you go. I hope it all works out for you in the end."

"Maybe God will bring you back, someday."

"I hope so. If he does, first thing I'm gonna do is climb Sam like a tall, sexy mountain. You and Dean just make it look so fun," Gabriel winked at him, and Cas rolled his eyes.

"I sincerely hope you didn't really watch us."

"Oh, you bet I did. The panties thing? HILARIOUS. You stay classy, bro," and then Gabriel was gone.

Finally, Cas woke up, and was well enough to get his hands on a phone, and call Dean. Insufficient apologies were made but at least the door was still open.

He bought a bus ticket, and made it onto the infernal contraption with few problems. Once aboard, though, he discovered exactly how infernal it was. The seat was impossible to sit comfortably on, his body itched in weird places, and as the ride went on and on, his tailbone began to throb. He shifted restlessly in his seat, hating feeling uncomfortable and useless, hating the overwhelming feeling-ness of being almost human. He was uncomfortable with the smelly man who was touching himself in the seat behind Cas, as well.

After dealing with Pestilence, he and Dean mutually avoided being alone together, as preparations for their apocalypse prevention began, and there was too much to say and not the time or privacy to say it. They were too wrapped up in their own pain to even begin to talk about what had occurred between them. It was enough that Dean hadn't said yes. Dean went to Chicago and Cas went to with Sam and Bobby after the Croatoan virus.

When Team Freewill rejoined, Cas and Sam went off to practice shooting, now that Cas felt the need to be able to use a gun. When they returned, Bobby and Dean were sitting in the junkyard, drinking beers. They all sat around for a while, drinking and bullshitting but one after the other, they all went to bed, exhausted in every possible way.

Cas crept into Dean's room a few hours later. The digital clock by Dean's bed flashed to 11:13 pm as he entered.

"Dean?" he asked softly, and Dean was already awake. He had actually been lying in bed awake for hours, staring at the ceiling, wondering if he should go to Cas.

"Hey." Dean smiled. Cas felt relief wash over him again. Dean pulled aside the covers and when their lips met, Castiel knew both of their sins were forgiven. He felt the hunter's hands slide down his sides, and pull him closer. He buried his face in the crook of Dean's neck, and inhaled the wonderful human scent. They made love slowly, languidly, as if they had all the time in the world. Cas kissed every inch of Dean's skin, marking it silently as his, claiming each hip bone and finally Dean's cock, licking and kissing it lightly and then increasingly possessively. When he felt Dean quiver, about to lose control, he stopped and slowly kissed his way back up the length of Dean's torso, savoring the feel of the hot skin against his lips. He pulled Dean over onto him, finally impatient, and lost himself in lips on lips and flesh on flesh as Dean slid inside him. He felt peaceful, for a little while, each time Dean entered him, as if all the problems they faced were gone while their bodies were joined, and this time, it was compounded by how human Cas was. Unable to read Dean's mind, he had expected their connection to be less intense. Instead, he was amazed at the sensation, how overwhelmed he felt by Dean's caresses. He hadn't expected to feel like he wasn't in control of himself, that he was comfortable with Dean being in control of him. He was surprised at how well they knew each other's bodies, and in awe of how Dean made him feel so fragile and so strong at the same time. They gasped silently, in unison, as they came.

"Oh, Cas," Dean whispered, and withdrew. He didn't let go of him, though. "I thought I really lost you, this time. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry that I left you."

"I am sorry that I doubted you. I felt… I wanted to give up, too. I wanted this constant struggle to be over," Cas sighed. He felt an odd sensation prickle at his eyelids. "But then, I lived. I was angry, and I hurt everywhere, but I was so happy at the same time, to still be alive."

"I'm glad you are," Dean ran a hand along Cas's jaw, "I love you, Cas."

"And I love you, but I know it can't amount to anything more than this. I understand how things are." Cas's eyes still burned, and he felt liquid begin to ooze from the corners.

"Aw, come on, baby, don't cry." Dean laid a gentle kiss on each eyelid. "I'm sorry that it has to be this way." Now that the tears had started, they kept coming faster and faster, until Castiel was sobbing for the first time in his life. Dean held him until they subsided.

Then Dean spoke again. "I really am sorry, Cas. You know I want a normal life. More than anything, I want us all to be safe and warm and happy. But that is not what we've been given. And for what it's worth, I'm so fucking happy that you've been here through the last few years. You made it almost bearable. If we were different people, different lives…" Dean sighed heavily, "Who knows. We're forever searching for love in forms it never takes, in places it can never be," Dean chuckled a little, "That's Vonnegut. If we lived those different lives, I'd give you a copy of Cat's Cradle. You'd like it. It's about God."

Castiel regarded Dean solemnly. "Did Sam tell you about his plan?"

"You mean to jump in the hole? Yeah."

"And?"

"I think it's fucking crazy. I just… I want so bad to have faith in Sammy, I do, but after everything? I just can't. What do you think of it?"

"I think it might be our only hope."

"Yeah. Death and Bobby agree." It was Dean's turn to tear up.

"I think you and Sam have surprised me time and time again with your ability to… ah… what's the phrase? Kick it in the ass?"

"Heh." Dean choked out a half laugh. "Yeah. But… Fuck, Cas, even if he did it, even if he jumps, that means he's gone, forever. In the hole. Everything will be different."

"Different? Or back to normal?"

"How could it be normal without Sammy? How could I keep going?" A single tear made its way down Dean's cheek.

"I know it is too much to ask of you that you lose your brother." Cas reached up and wiped it away. "But everything that is asked of all of us is too much. All the people of earth… And you know it is Sam's desire to put their lives before his."

Dean took a deep breath, exhaled slowly. "Yeah. I know. I just wish there was another way."

"I, as well."

"He might take us all with him, you know. This could be it. For real, this time. If he jumps… no matter how many of us die, without Michael and Lucifer, everything could be peaceful."

"Maybe. Or, new leaders will emerge from the ranks. But there are other hunters. People who will take up the fight, no matter when we go."

"No paradise, no hell on earth, just humanity. That's what I want."

"Then you know already what you have to do." Dean's eyes welled up again, and Cas could see him holding it back. "I'm sorry, Dean. I'm so sorry."

"I'm sorry, too." They lay for a while, each holding and stroking the other in comfort. Then Dean spoke again. "So… This could really be the last night on earth. Betting everything we've got, playing for keeps."

"Are you giving me the last night on earth line again?" Cas's lips twisted up into a small smile.

Dean smiled a little, too. "Maybe…"

They made love again, passionately, desperately, both aware that this time, most likely really was the last time.

The next day, the plan was set in motion. The sleep Dean and Cas had gotten was not sufficient for the extent of Cas's exhaustion. He fell asleep almost as soon as they got in the car. He awoke suddenly in the darkened car, to Sam saying, "Hey, on the subject, there's something I wanna talk to you about." Cas stayed as he was, curious.

"You pray to god she's dumb enough to take you in, and you - you have barbecues and go to football games. You go live some normal, apple-pie life, Dean. Promise me."

Castiel kept his eyes shut, but he understood suddenly what Gabriel had meant. As comforting and intense as the love he and Dean shared was, it couldn't compare to what Sam described as apple pie life. Dean and Cas could never have that in this world. Nothing Castiel had could offer what Lisa and Ben could offer him. He had nothing to compare to that happiness- if things go in our favor, I will have a place to return to in Heaven, and after all, he went to Lisa when he left me. She has his child, she has a life free of the supernatural forces that have destroyed everything he's ever loved. I can't give him that, and I want him to be at peace, I would give anything to just give him that peace, he thought, and was surprised that there was the tiniest tinge of regret to the knowledge.

They got to Detroit, and the boys went upstairs to trick the Devil, leaving Cas and Bobby to keep watch. Bobby sighed as they walked away.

"You and Dean. You boys got somethin' goin' on?"

Castiel was taken aback. "I… uh… Not really."

"But you love him." Bobby looked uncomfortable but determined to have this talk with Cas.

"Yes. But it doesn't matter." Castiel looked away.

"I'm not an idjit. I seen you all snuggly-like around the place, and my wall's aren't all reinforced iron, you know."

Castiel blushed at the thought of Bobby listening to their fornicating. "I apologize for disturbing you."

"You should be. I'm scarred for life. But if you love him and he loves you, well. I think you know by now, this ain't an easy line of work. You take what joy you can find."

"I think there are other people Dean could be happier with. Lisa, for example. He loves her, you know, loves the idea of the apple pie life with her and the child. I could never give him that, and in any case, we might very well all die today."

"I reckon. Heh. Apple pie life. I know you didn't come to that conclusion on your own, son. Either way, he's been with you this last year, not her, and I saw how it was with you an' him. I guess it all rests on how today goes down, but for what it's worth. I ain't never seen Dean as comfortable as he is 'round you. Whatever there is between you boys, it's somethin' special. "

A bright light flashed in the window. Castiel felt worry begin to twist his stomach again. "I don't think any of it will matter soon, Bobby."


"Well, there's got to be something we can do." Dean looked at him, and Cas knew that Dean was silently begging him to have faith in Sam, to keep his faith in Dean, because if Cas believed in Dean, Dean could believe in Dean. Cas wanted to have it, wanted to give it to him, but all he had left was an overwhelming pit of despair.

'I'm sorry, Dean. This is over."

After Dean stormed away, Cas prayed to his Father. He knew that there would be no answer, but with every fiber of his being, he silently begged God to just grant them this victory, to just give Dean the life he dreamed of. Kill me, end me forever, let me die for his sins, just please, Father, please. Give Dean what he wants. Give him freedom from Destiny.

Of course there was no answer.


"Well, I ain't gonna let him die alone." Dean slammed the door of the Impala and left Cas and Bobby standing in the middle of the street. Bobby looked at Castiel. Castiel looked back at Bobby forlornly.

"I want to spare him this pain."

"That ain't within your powers, boy."

'It's not fair. None of this is fair. What are we supposed to do?" Cas understood now what it was to be totally without hope.

"Well, I reckon we all go die together, then." Bobby sighed, and without waiting for Castiel's response, he got into his car.

Cas stood alone for a moment, then said, "I reckon," very quietly, and then followed Bobby.


Cas and Bobby could see Dean's entrance onto the battlefield. What Cas found remarkable was the casualness of Dean's interference, the love and the bravery radiating from him. This was why they fought. For love, for family. Because there was no other choice, even if there should be. Cas was terrified, hands shaking as he lit his Holy Molotov, but he didn't waver. He knew if their positions were reversed, Dean wouldn't hesitate.

"Hey! Assbutt!" As soon as Lucifer looked sharply at him, Castiel thought Big mistake. This is going to cost me, and then, there was nothing.


Everything and everyone Dean loves is gone, and he is alone and beaten and bloody in the middle of the boneyard. He doesn't even remember how to move, the pain is overwhelming on every level. He's sitting there, trying to muster up the strength to go get his fucking Colt, to end it, and then Castiel is there, alive, and beautiful and for a second Dean thinks Cas really might be God, and the thought is too fucking terrifying not to voice. He's not, but he is full of angel juice, and he brings back Bobby. They all stand around the cemetery til dark, drinking whiskey in silence. It's Bobby who speaks first, then Dean, remembering sacred moments. Even Cas has something eloquent to say about Sam's courage and honor. Eventually, they part ways with Bobby, and then just as suddenly as this whole day started, Cas leaves, he doesn't even offer to stay and Dean isn't capable of asking him to give up everything for him again. Cas is gone, and Dean is alone again. All he has is the promise he made to Sam, and he's going to keep it.