Magic, Fyarls, and Green
Thanks be to Greywizard for all the bountiful help.
Two sets of clothing later, introductions were made.
"Hello, I am Remus Lupin, former professor of Defense Against the Dark Arts at Hogwarts," the man said with a slight wave. They had taken the whole thing down to the living room so everyone could have a seat.
"Yeah, the cutie was all moping into a beer when I came home, so I figured, H&H, might as well cheer him up," Faith said. "Different being with a younger guy, you know."
"I'm younger than you?" Remus said with complete disbelief.
"By like a decade, I'm guessing," Faith said. "'Side from Janie and Harry, you're the youngest one here."
"Even her?" Remus Lupin asked, pointing to Dawn. She sighed and pulled up her shirt, embarrassing the teens once more.
"See? Stretch marks!" she said. Turning to her husband, she sighed again. "Why doesn't anyone ever believe me that I'm Hermione's mother?"
"It's just that you're so devastatingly beautiful, the world can't imagine you ever changing," he said in a sappy tone that made most others in the room want to gag.
"And I'm Hermione's Auntie, Buffy Summers," the now clothed woman replied. "So I guess you know Padfoot?"
"Yes, Padfoot and I have known each other for a long time," he said with a chuckle.
"Yeah, Remus is the one who gave him to Harry," Hermione lied, hoping to smooth some things over. She didn't want a funeral for Harry's godfather anytime soon, even if he did need some behavior training.
"Remus is an old friend of my parents," Harry said.
"Why are you a former teacher?" Tara asked. Lupin stammered and looked at the ground. Hermione rolled her eyes and blurted the truth.
"Because word got out that he's a werewolf," she said, earning a scandalized look from Harry and Remus.
"Oh, we know all about werewolves," Willow said with a sly smile.
"I'd think so, Red," Faith said with a chuckle. "Considering you were bumping uglies with one all through high school."
"No! Only once in high school," the redhead protested. "And I'll have you know there was no bumping of uglies, it was a very nice night."
"All in favor not hearing about my friends' sex lives, raise their hand?" Xander said. Giles, Hermione and Harry all raised their hands. Hedwig raised a wing. Crookshanks raised a paw. Padfoot seemed eager to learn more and wagged his tail.
"Wait, so you already knew about magic before your letter?" Harry asked, a little alarmed and shocked that his friend had never shared that.
"You're not alarmed that I'm a werewolf?" Lupin asked at the same time.
And that was when the drunken Fyarl demons broke down the front door. Before most people could blink, Faith and Buffy were both wielding swords while Xander was clutching his trusty axe in one hand and a rusty axe in the other.
Willow raised a hand and the air around the demons seemed to grab at their feet, pulling them down to the ground. She whispered something and crimson bands started constricting the demons across the chests and blocked their nasal passages until they passed out.
Harry turned to look at Hermione's parents. "You aren't really dentists, are you?"
Ten minutes later, after the unconscious demons were disposed of in a special scent-proof room dedicated to the task, there was a pounding on the door before explanations could take place.
"Open up! This is a report of underage magic in this location!" a man said from the other side. Willow rolled her eyes, opened the door wide and glanced at the intruders. Standing in the doorway were four people three men and a woman. The woman had bright pink spiky hair, but the others were wearing something that looked like a cross between dusters and nuns habits. Their leader had strangely buggy eyes. The woman looked like she was about to say something but the leader gave her a look and she shut up.
Willow sighed and waved her hands in front of them.
"We are not the droids you are looking for."
"You are not the droids we are looking for."
"You did not hear about underage magic here."
"We did not hear about underage magic here."
"We can go about our business."
"Go about your business."
And with that, Willow Rosenberg slammed the door shut. Shortly, there were three pops as the Ministry Officials teleported away. "There, that takes care of that problem."
Harry and Remus gaped at her. Padfoot's mouth was open so wide, that his tongue almost touched the floor.
"You're a witch?" Harry asked numbly.
She nodded smugly.
"So am I," said Tara. "And so is Dawn."
Dawn smirked at all of them.
Harry turned to Hermione. "I thought you said your parents were muggles?"
"I never actually said that," she replied carefully. "I just didn't correct anyone."
"After everything they said about you? Even with Malfoy calling you a mudblood?" he whispered the last word, so the others could barely hear.
"I didn't even know that word until Ron explained it," Hermione said with a depressed sigh. "It was just easier to allow people to believe what they wanted to believe."
"Then why'd you tell us your parents were dentists?" Harry asked, still confused. "Why'd you lie to me?"
The silence after that statement was heavy and hung like thick fog in the London mornings.
"You two probably need to talk, so why don't you go into the living room and sort things out," Xander said, pushing them through the door. He gently shut it behind the two teens. He turned back to the others. "Now, I just happen to have a bottle of Johnny Walker Green that will let us mellow out and have a discussion."
"Green?" Willow asked. "I didn't know they made it in green."
"Yes. Yes, they do," Faith said with a wide grin, sitting down and throwing an arm over her boy toy's shoulder.
"Xander, I do feel the need to criticize slightly," Giles stated. "You're in the British Isles where Scotch and Whiskey were born. Why did you choose such a... thing?"
"It's green," Xander replied as if it explained everything. Xander served it up and passed the glasses around.
"So," Buffy said, looking at Remus. "What's your first question?"
"Who are you people really?"
"Buffy Summers," said Buffy.
"Willow Rosenberg," said Willow.
"Tara Maclay," said Tara.
"Xander Harris-Granger," said Xander.
"Dawn Summers," said Dawn.
"Rupert Giles," said Giles.
"Faith Lehane," said Faith.
"And together we are — dun, dun, DUN—the Scooby Gang!" Xander said as they all posed like a 60s spy movie poster. "I wanted us to be Xander Harris and his Howling Commandos, but I was outvoted."
Remus caught the amused smirks they wore and went back to ask another question. "Or rather, what are you? And what do you do?"
"Faith and I are Slayers," Buffy said, "women Chosen to fight the Vampires, Demons and the Forces of Darkness."
"Fascinating," Remus said. "And what does this entail?"
"Super strength, speed, super stamina, flexibility," Buffy replied, ticking them off on her fingers.
"-In bed," finished Faith with a lecherous smirk. The others groaned.
"Well, seeing as I have firsthand experience of that, I must say I am quite appreciative," Remus commented with a lecherous smirk of his own shooting back at Faith. She was half temped to jump him again right in front of everybody. Remus, on the other hand, actually had inhibitions about having sex in front of people he didn't know, and quickly changed the subject.
"And you?" he asked, glancing at Willow and Tara.
"Wiccan," Willow said, "sometimes called witches. We use magic, but not like you stick guys."
"They are wands, thank you very much," he said with faux haughtiness.
"What about you and Dawn? You're Hermione's parents, am I correct?" the werewolf asked.
"I'm a witch as well, but I've got some other things in my favor," she replied. "But those are a secret!" she added with a playful wag of her finger.
"I'm just a carpenter with a big scary axe," Xander said. "And a very stylish eye patch."
"Yes, I can see," Remus appreciated. "I thought of getting one myself, but I thought it would clash with my shirt."
Xander clapped him on the back. "You know, I think you might just fit in around here," he said.
"At least I'm welcome somewhere," he grumbled. Looking back up at them, he raised a hand. "Sorry, I'm still bitter about losing my job."
"Understandable," Giles said. "I know that the last time I was sacked, I hardly took it well, especially when they replaced me with that prat."
"Wesley turned into a nice guy," Willow pointed out. "Well, moderately."
"Only because he was sacked, himself," Giles countered. Remus smiled. "What is it?"
"No, sorry, I just haven't had a conversation like this since, well, since it all fell apart," Remus admitted.
"Like what?"
"A friendly conversation, being accepted and free to talk," he admitted. "Now if only my damned friend would hurry up and clear his name, all would be fine."
No one noticed Padfoot pouting in the corner.
Before anything else could happen, another knock came at the door. Opening it up once more, Willow looked at the man on the other side. She did note that he was dressed in the same style of the woman who had been there earlier.
"Uh, hello," he said. "I'd, I'd like to talk to Buffy Summers, please?"
"Buffy, it's for you!" Willow called out, slipping back into the living room while Buffy bounced back out to the door.
When Buffy got there, she realized it was the man she'd given her number to the day before. "Oh, Tonks, I wasn't expecting you," she said as she stepped to the side to see if he could get in on his own. He could and she motioned for him to join her in the dining room.
"Thanks, I know I didn't call, but I thought…" he trailed off as if he was trying to figure out how to bring something up.
"I'm glad you stopped by anyways," Buffy said, slipping into the seat next to him. She was maybe sitting a bit closer than she normally would with someone she'd just met. "Did you get your stick fixed?"
"My stick? Oh, my wand, yes," he said. "Miss Summers there's-"
"Buffy, you can call me Buffy," she said, cutting him off. "Did you bring those security plans like I'd asked?"
"I was going to, but I-"
"Oh, fooie, we really need them. The paper's been in our house and taking pictures of Hermione's room," Buffy told him.
"Oh, that's not good," he said, genuinely surprised and annoyed. His brow furrowed in thought. "That's not good."
"No, it's not," Buffy said.
"I've been doing the paperwork so it will be a couple of days at least, but-"
"It's okay, we just want someone here to make things safer," Buffy said, taking his hand in hers. Tonks was starting to sweat. This conversation was not going the way she expected it to.
"Well, I'll see if I can do a little more," Tonks said, not quite sure if he wanted to remove the hand from hers. (S)He didn't want to make her upset, after all. "I can at least stay tonight to keep an eye out. There are rules about putting wards up on muggle houses."
Buffy huffed. It was clear that she didn't want to hear that.
"I'm sorry," Tonks said honestly, "but sometimes it seems your house could be filled with Death Eaters and I couldn't even cast a protection charm without filling out a 27b/6... Bloody paperwork."
"Humph, tell me about it," Buffy grumbled.
"I can probably have the paperwork by Thursday," Tonks said.
"Great! You can meet me at Hans' Pub and Eats," Buffy said. "It's a quiet place, but it's nice."
"Uh, okay," Tonks said, a little confused.
"Great, so I'll let you look things over with Xander here and I'll see you on Thursday."
"Sure, I suppose," Tonks said, still a little stunned.
"It's a date!"
Hours later, after reviewing the security of the house with Hermione's Father (who was a scary muggle man, but she wasn't about to tell him that), Tonks mad her way out of the house, shifting back into her normal form.
"Oh Merlin!" she exclaimed. "I just agreed to another date didn't I? So much for telling her about the whole metamorphmagus thing. I'll just have to tell her Thursday. Hope she isn't too surprised."
Upstairs, Harry and Hermione were having a similar conversation about what was and wasn't in the Granger family. It was met primarily by confusion.
"Wait, so your folks are these near legendary demon fighters who retired from their jobs and since your mom got pregnant with you, they've lived here?"
"Or something close to it." Hermione admitted. "They won't tell me the details until I'm older. Or at least, that's their excuse."
"Huh," he said quietly as he stared off into space. "I guess this does explain the train ride."
"What do you mean?"
"You didn't have any of the amazement about magic that the other muggleborns or muggle-raised half-bloods did," Harry replied, thinking about her fixing his glasses that first day. "You'd already tried out spells and cast a second year spell when we'd barely got out of the station!"
"Sorry, it, well, magic was just one of those things," Hermione said with a slight blush as she brushed her hair behind her ear. It wasn't as bushy as it was that first year, but it still had some impressive volume. "I grew up with it and it wasn't that much different from reading or using the computer. Just one more thing that set me apart from my peers. It didn't help that I had buckteeth and hair that frizzed all over the place."
"But, you grew into both pretty well," Harry said, not even realizing the words had come out of his mouth. She blushed appreciatively and tucked a few more stray locks behind her ear.
"But when I got invited to Hogwarts," she said, pushing the subject along. She stretched out her legs and reached out with her arms, but she wasn't really looking at anything in particular as she reminisced. "Oh, I wasn't thinking straight. I thought there would be people like me. I did all my reading. I practiced my spells and even got a wand." She smiled slightly at the memory. "Faith teased me plenty for playing with my wand. I didn't really get it then – back then I just knew she was teasing me. Now, I'm starting to get all her dirty jokes."
"But you were friends with me and Ron, you could have told us," Harry argued.
"I don't think Ron would understand me being able to do things 'no one' is supposed to be able to do," she countered. She smiled wistfully at the concept of Ron trying to wrap his mind around magic users that had no connection to the Wizarding World. "He's too… well, 'self-centered' isn't exactly what I want to say, but it's not far off."
"I wonder what he's doing right now?" Harry pondered.
"Please don't bring that up? I'm having flashbacks to Chudley Cannon - well, not conversations, because that implies that I was an equal participant and not just a wall to bounce statements off of," Hermione said. She shrugged at Harry's confused look. "He can't stop, Harry. Chudley Cannons, Chudley Cannons, Chudley Cannons. He just won't stop."
"...I know." Harry sighed. "I know."
Next time: Dawn and Xander register a complaint!
There was a super-secret awesome movie reference in this chapter if people caught it. Those who mention it earn a no-prize in Dire Squirrely form.
