Chapter Nine-
Beca stood outside the auditorium, terrified. Even though Chloe had invited her, she felt as though she didn't belong there.
On one bleacher it looked like Stacie and Cynthia Rose were half wrestling, half screwing, Chloe and Aubrey practically killing each other on another, and then Lilly rolling in vomit on the floor. Without thinking, Beca ran in.
"Guys! Guys, stop! What is going on?"
"Nothing!" Aubrey snapped, quickly letting go of Chloe who gave Beca a helpless look. "This is a Bella's rehearsal."
"Aubrey, can it!" Chloe growled at Aubrey.
"No. Just because you have taken her under your wing to be her little mentor does not mean I have to be nice to her. She messed up. And that, is her problem." Aubrey snapped.
Beca sighed. "I know I messed up and I just wanted to say…that I'm sorry, okay? What I did was a really dick move and yelling at you guys after was just immature and I regret it. I let you guys down and…I really love you guys so that hurts. A lot. And, Aubrey, if you will let me back in, I want back in."
Aubrey sat, saying nothing, a cold look on her face. Beca sighed and grabbed onto her chair. She knew the drill. It was time for her to officially leave. To finally be out of the group. The only place she belonged.
She started pulling the chair, reluctantly.
"Wait!" Aubrey finally burst out. At first Beca thought she had imagined the call but when she turned back, the blonde girl was staring at her, looking guilty.
"Beca, I know I've been hard on you, okay? I know that I've been hard on everyone here. But I am my father's daughter. And he always said, 'if at first you don't succeed, pack your bags.'"
Aubrey hung her head and started to leave. The girl's looked at each other in surprise. They had never seen Aubrey this vulnerable. Beca finally spoke up.
"I get it. Mine, um, gets on me too. Not like that, but…I guess we don't know much about each other." Beca then looked around. "About most of you, actually."
Stacie then stood up, excited to get into the conversation. "Well, I'll confess to something that none of you really know about me. I have a lot of sex."
"Yeah, we know." Fat Amy interjected.
"Only because I just told you."
"Well, this is a good idea." Beca said cheerily. "That was…a pretty bad example, but this is a good idea. Why don't we all go around the room and we all say something about ourselves that nobody else knows."
"Okay, I got something." Cynthia Rose stood up. "This is hard for me to admit to you guys."
The rest of the girl's stood around and smiled at each other. They all knew exactly what was coming.
"I think we all know where this is going." Fat Amy whispered and then looked up at Cynthia Rose. "Lesbihonest."
"Well…for the last two years, I've had a serious gambling problem." Cynthia said.
Everyone stared at her in shock.
"What?"
"What?"
Chloe leaned over and whispered in Beca's ear, "Do you want to tell them?"
"What?"
"Do you want to tell them about us?"
Beca hesitated. "Do you?"
"I'm proud of you. I love you. I want people to know." Chloe whispered.
"I don't want them to know yet. It's too early in the relationship." Beca gently touched her hand, trying to keep it discrete. "I don't want people to judge so early. Let's wait."
"If you are sure." Chloe nodded and they both turned back to the conversation, where Fat Amy was speaking.
"I'm an open book, I mean, for God's sake you guys all call me Fat Amy. See, I guess I'm just not really living if I'm 100% honest." Fat Amy hesitated for a moment and then choked out, "And my real name is Fat Patricia."
"What about you, Beca?" Aubrey asked and all the girl's turned to her.
"Okay…I…" Beca stared at the ground, subconsciously rubbing her arms. She wanted to tell them, she wanted to tell them so badly. They were her sisters…they would accept her, wouldn't they? She could do it…she could…
"Could we come back to me?" Beca said, sighing. She knew she couldn't tell them. Not then anyway.
Not yet.
"I'm going to mess it up." Beca said into the phone, a worried look on her face.
"Please, Beca. You're not." Chloe insisted, sounding distant a bit. "I promise you."
"I mess up everything. Everything in my life. I'm going to mess up just like I have been my whole life and I'll lose you and my friends…"
"Beca, please. It will be fine, I promise. Now, hold on, I have to get back to class. I'll be at my apartment in about twenty minutes. Can you hang on until then?"
"I'm sorry." Beca said into the phone, pushing her hair back a bit, nervously. "My episodes are so fucking annoying, I know."
"Baby, we are going to figure this out, okay? Just breathe. We should probably look into you seeing a therapist or something though because while I love helping you and being there for you, I don't really know how to help you all the time."
"If it will make you happy…I'll try to get some help."
"Good girl." Chloe told her. "I have to go now. Twenty minutes, okay?"
"Okay."
"I love you."
"I love you too." Beca hung up the phone, and got her I-pod out. She needed to distract herself.
She hated the depression episodes more than anything. She had been having an amazing week and she was back in the Bella's and in a few days they would be competing again…but she was crying.
And she had no idea why.
"It's because I'm weak…" Beca muttered to herself, switching the music on, trying to sink into her headphones. "It's because I'm weak. I'm a wimp. A bitch."
Beca ripped off her headphones. She had promised herself she wouldn't go it any more but…
Beca pulled out her razor from under her pillow, rolling up her sleeve in a very familiar ritual. She knew what she was doing. She was far too used to it.
Her arm was cluttered with scratches; cuts and neat little marks all up and down from wrist to almost her shoulder. She was running out of space to make marks. She managed to find a spot and watched as the blood spilled down her arm. She watched, fascinated. Then she sliced again. And again.
"Fuck." Beca muttered, crying. "Fuck."
She needed to talk to someone.
Chloe.
Covering up her arms with a sweatshirt, Beca ran over to the apartment she had become so familiar with. She raced up the stairs and banged her fists on Chloe's door.
"I'm coming, I'm coming, chill." Beca heard Aubrey yell from behind the door. She heard someone fumble with the lock and then Aubrey stepped out.
"Oh, shocker. Don't you live here?" Aubrey snapped out of habit, although she softened when she saw Beca's tear-stained face. "Beca, what happened?"
"Is Chloe here?" Beca asked, even though she knew she wasn't. Class wouldn't end for another ten minutes or so.
"No, she's still in class. Um, do you want to come in?" Aubrey asked awkwardly.
"Yeah." Beca agreed, stepping inside, sitting down on the couch.
"Do you want something to eat or drink?"
"No thanks." Beca started shaking her leg as Aubrey stood by awkwardly.
"Are you hot?" Aubrey asked, referring to her jacket.
"No, I'm fine." She lied.
"You're sweating." Aubrey pointed out.
"It's fine."
"Is something wrong?"
"Please just…stop." Beca snapped.
Aubrey looked at Beca. "Can I see something?"
"What?" Beca instinctively flinched her arm towards her, leaving a small spot of blood on the couch. Small, but Aubrey still noticed it.
"Are you bleeding?"
"No, that must have been there when I got here." Beca stood up. "I can just come back later for Chloe." She started for the door.
"No. Sit."
"Aubrey, don't fuck with me. You don't even know me."
"Beca…"
"Please stop." Beca yelled as Chloe walked in.
"Beca?" Chloe asked, seeing the look on the girl's face. "What's going on?"
"Chloe, Beca comes in and she's bleeding and…"
"That spot was there before, I told you!" Beca told Aubrey. Aubrey gave Chloe a pained look.
"You're bleeding, baby?" Chloe asked. Beca nodded. "Oh, God…"
"I'm sorry." Beca said.
"Come here." Chloe sighed and gestured for Beca to take her hand. "We are going to figure this out." Chloe said and turned to Aubrey. "Aubrey, don't you have a class soon?" Chloe said.
"I…" Chloe turned away from Beca and mouthed at Aubrey, "I'll talk to you later."
"Yeah, in fact I might be late." Aubrey lied, walking out of the apartment. "I'll be back in an hour." She warned.
"Why'd you cut, hun?" Chloe turned to Beca.
"I'm sorry."
"Apologize to yourself, baby." Chloe sighed. "Did this just happen?"
"About twenty minutes ago."
"Okay, let's clean you up, baby." Chloe said and lead Chloe to the bathroom. "Take off your sweatshirt."
Beca hesitated and then slowly took of hoodie off, causing Chloe to make a small squeaking noise, like she was trying not to cry out.
"Okay. Well, let's see…" Chloe muttered and reached into one of the bathroom drawers. "I think we might have some gauze or something kind of…" Chloe yanked out a small thing of gauze. "Sorry, we don't really buy this." Chloe said and pulled out a box of Band-Aids. "This isn't going to be the best, but, sorry, I'm a theater major, not nursing." Chloe grabbed a washcloth of the counted and ran it under the water for a few seconds. "Okay, I don't have any cream or anything fancy like that, so we are going to have to stick to water for now." Chloe gently pressed the washcloth against Beca's cuts, causing Beca to whimper.
"Shit." Beca muttered, trying to not cry out.
"I'm sorry, honey. It's going to sting a bit." Chloe pulled the wash cloth off and glanced at the cuts. "Honey, I think some of these may need stitches."
"And get more people involved? No, thank you." Beca snapped.
"But they might get infected." Chloe protested.
"I'll be fine just…please, I can't get them looked at by a doctor. They'll know what they're from and probably try to lock me up or something."
Chloe thought for a moment. "Okay." She placed the washcloth back on. The cloth was beginning to darken with blood as Chloe thought. "I won't take you to the emergency room, against my better judgment, if you do one thing for me."
"What?"
"I don't trust you in a room with whatever you are using to cut. I want it. I want to physically have it so I know you aren't cutting to hurt yourself."
Beca's face fell. Cutting had become a part of her daily life…how could she just give it up like that? "I…"
"Do you care about me?"
"Of course, Chloe. I love you. You know that."
"You're scaring me." Chloe gently lifted the washcloth off Beca's arm and began to wrap gauze around her worst cuts. "And you don't want me to be worried about you, right? Because…this is really stressing me out."
"Gee, sorry I'm such a burden." Beca snapped.
"Don't take it like that, okay? Have I not been there for you through all of this? It would have been so easy to just leave, but I love you more than I think you know. Please…could you just do this for me?"
Chloe finished bandaging Beca up and then kissed her forehead. "I don't want to see you hurting, baby. Could you at least try?"
Beca hesitated, a million thoughts racing through her head. Beca sighed, finally. "I'll try. But not promises, okay?"
"All I want is for you to try."
Beca hesitated. "I…" Chloe pulled Beca in, wrapping her arms around Beca. Chloe's touch broke Beca.
"Oh…Okay. Okay." Beca gave in and Chloe kissed her forehead.
"That's my girl."
