Author's Notes:
CONVERSATION KEY
*When characters are speaking out loud, quotes will be used.
*When characters are signing with their hands, italics will be used. (Italics will be used in other places as well, i.e. to emphasize certain words/phrases. Please keep that in mind.)
*When characters are communicating via iPad or e-mail, bold will be used.
*Bella's conversations with others, signing and writing, will ALWAYS be encased in *stars*.
*Edward's conversations with Bella, signing and writing, will remain unmarked.
*Any other characters that sign in a chapter will have their conversations encased in {brackets}.
Many thanks to azure0610 for acting as my beta. Also, thanks to aerobee82 and JenEsme for pre-reading for me.
The awesome Nayarit and FluffyLiz created my beautiful banners for me.
All the usual disclaimers apply. This story is rated M for a reason.
Chapter 9 - Impasse
*Green Eyes, is that you?*
I grinned like an idiot at Bella's words. Even if I had wanted to, which I didn't, I wouldn't have been able to contain my smile. Apparently it was contagious, because I looked over my shoulder at Alice who was smiling just as widely as me.
"Green Eyes?" she asked, her smile quickly morphing into a smirk. "You failed to mention she's given you a nickname."
I shrugged my shoulders.
"Well, are you going to respond?" Alice pressed. "Why don't you invite her to chat?"
I did as Alice suggested, and a moment later, Bella's name popped up in the bottom right hand corner of my screen.
11:05 PM:
Bella: Green Eyes! What a pleasant surprise! How are you?
Alice chuckled softly from over my shoulder, and I turned an evil eye on her.
"All right, all right, I can take a hint," she said with a wink. "You know where to find me if you need me." Alice continued to laugh quietly to herself as she exited my room. Turning my attention back to the computer screen, I briefly considered what I wanted to say before typing out my response.
11:07 PM:
Me: I'm terrific now and grinning like a fool.
Bella: Lol… you're certainly in a good mood! (What has you grinning like a fool?)
Me: You. ;) I like your nickname for me.
Bella: Well, it's very apt. You have beautiful eyes.
11:09 PM:
Me: As do you.
11:10 PM:
Bella: Thank you, you're very sweet. But honestly, I've always thought they were rather dull. Brown is kind of boring.
Me: Your eyes are anything but dull and boring. They're thoughtful and deep… and so expressive. They're beautiful.
Bella: Green Eyes, you're making me blush.
Me: I think I like that…
Bella: :) Hey… hold on a sec…
11:17 PM:
Bella: Sorry about that. My mother was switching the hallway light on and off, which is code for get down here right away!
Me: Uh oh, is everything okay?
Bella: Oh yes, she just wanted me to help put away the ornament boxes. We finished decorating the tree a little while ago.
Me: You're just now decorating the tree?
Bella: It's sort of a tradition for us. Every Christmas Eve, my father and I go into the woods and chop down a tree while my mother stays at home drinking too much eggnog. You know… the spiked type.
11:20 PM:
Me: Ha… your mother and I would get along well!
Bella: I think you're probably right. ;)
Me: Maybe I'll have the pleasure of meeting her one day?
Bella: I'd like that.
Me: Me too.
Bella: So, I thought of you today…
11:22 PM:
Me: You did? Why is that?
Bella: Actually, to be honest, I've been thinking about you ever since I dropped you off on Friday night…
11:23 PM:
Me: Really? Me too…
Bella: Edward? Can I ask you a question?
Me: Of course. You can ask me anything.
Bella: Are you interested in me?
11:25 PM:
Me: Umm…
Bella: I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked. I'm too direct for my own good sometimes.
Me: No – it's okay. Don't apologize. I just wasn't expecting it is all.
Bella: You don't have to answer if you don't want to. I didn't mean to put you on the spot.
Me: You didn't… and yes, I'm interested in you. I had a really good time the other night.
Bella: I did too.
Me: I'm glad. Can I tell you something?
Bella: Of course.
Me: I wanted to kiss you, but I was worried about how you would react.
Bella: I probably would have kissed you back… but I'm not sure it would have been the right thing for me to do.
Me: Ahh… that's not exactly what I wanted to hear.
Bella: Ugh… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that.
Me: Why did you?
Bella: Because I'm confused. I really like you, Edward. I just wish things didn't have to be so complicated.
Me: Complicated? How?
11:33 PM:
Bella: Do I have to point out the obvious?
11:34 PM:
Me: What? That we speak two different languages?
11:36 PM:
Bella: It's more than that, Edward, and you know it. Please don't pretend that my deafness doesn't matter.
11:38 PM:
Me: I'm not pretending, Bella. It doesn't - at least not to me. Does it really matter that much to you?
Bella: We have limited means of communication. You don't sign…
11:40 PM:
Me: I realize this poses a challenge, but Bella? I'm learning, and I want to continue to learn.
Bella: Oh, Green Eyes, please don't take this the wrong way, but if I had a dollar for every boy who's said that, I'd be a rich girl.
11:44 PM:
Me: I'm different than the others, Bella. You should know that by now. You're… special to me.
11:45 PM:
Bella: I think that's what scares me the most. You're special to me too, but I'm not sure it's enough. I know how difficult this type of relationship is. It hardly ever works out…
Me: It doesn't have to be difficult, Bella. It's what we make of it, you and me.
Bella: I wish it was that easy.
11:47 PM:
Me: Isn't it? I like you, Bella. A lot. I think about you all the time. Why can't that be enough?
11:51 PM:
Me: Bella?
Bella: Sorry… sorry. Just thinking.
Me: About what?
Bella: I wish I wouldn't have brought this up tonight. I wish I would have waited until we're in Tampa. I want to see your face. I want you to see mine, so that you can see how important your friendship is to me.
11:53 PM:
Me: Friendship, huh?
Bella: Edward, please. This isn't easy for me.
Me: It isn't easy for me either. I'm attracted to you Bella, in every way that matters, and I think you feel the same.
11:55 PM:
Bella: It doesn't make a difference if I do. It doesn't change the situation.
Me: Why are you so resistant to this? I really don't understand.
Bella: I already told you. I know what it means to be in a deaf/hearing relationship, and I don't want to risk losing what we already have. I'm sorry, Edward, but as much as it costs me to say this, friendship is all I have to offer.
12:00 AM:
Me: For now…
Bella: For always, Green Eyes.
Me: We're at an impasse now, but…
12:02 AM:
Bella: Green Eyes?
Me: Yes?
Bella: Merry Christmas.
12:04 AM:
Me: Merry Christmas to you too, although technically Christmas won't arrive in Washington for another couple of hours.
Bella: Well, I'll be tucked underneath my covers when it does, which is where you should be too.
Me: Is this your way of saying goodbye?
Bella: Not because I want to, but I should really spend some time with my parents.
Me: Okay.
Bella: Are… we okay?
Me: Yeah… yes.
Bella: Are you sure? You're not upset with me?
Me: No, I'm not upset with you. Disappointed, yes, but not upset.
12:10 AM:
Bella: So we're still friends?
Me: Of course we are, even though it's obvious we both want something more…
Bella: Edward…
Me: Bella…
Bella: You're incorrigible, you know that?
Me: I prefer tenacious.
Bella: Can we chat again tomorrow?
Me: I'd like that. Same time, same place?
Bella: Same time, same place.
Me: Okay. Have a good night, Bella.
Bella: You too. Sleep tight, Green Eyes.
The following morning, I awoke feeling much better than I expected. I was pretty discouraged when I went to bed the night before, but a good night's sleep had lent some clarity to my situation. Even though Bella insisted we could only be friends, she had also admitted she had feelings for me, and that in and of itself was a victory.
As much as I wanted more, I could be Bella's friend, at least for now, because I knew that she felt more, and it was only a matter of time before our relationship evolved on its own. At least that's what I hoped for. Trying to think positively, I even went so far as to tell myself that it was better our conversation had played out as it had, because I was sure of one thing now. Although she would never willingly admit to it, Bella needed someone to fight for her. She needed to feel like she was worth the effort, and I was just the person for the job.
When I walked downstairs Christmas morning, I was greeted by the sound of Burl Ives singing "Holly Jolly Christmas" on the stereo. A quick glance into the family room told me that my father and Alice were already awake. I assumed my mother was too, and I ventured into the kitchen in search of her. I found her, arranging a plate full of cookies and fruit cake to carry into the family room.
"Merry Christmas, Mom," I said, bending to kiss her cheek. She looked up at me and smiled.
"Merry Christmas, Honey. Did you sleep well?"
"I did, actually," I replied. "How about you?"
My mother sighed as she placed one final cookie in the center of the plate.
"I didn't sleep so well."
"Oh?"
My mother's eyes met mine, and I could see that they were troubled.
"I'm sorry if I upset you yesterday," she told me. "I think I focused too much on the negative. I don't want you to think I'm not happy for you, Darling, because I am. All a mother wants is for her child to find someone that makes them happy. If Bella's that girl for you, it only makes sense for you to try to make things work."
"Thanks, mom," I said, surprised by, but grateful for her apology. I pulled her into a side hug, telling her, "I needed to hear that."
"I needed to say it," she said, patting my stomach.
A few minutes later, we carried the plate of cookies and fruit cake into the family room, only to be greeted by a loud round of applause. Both my father and Alice practically attacked me, eager to get to the sugary goodness. Soon after, my father donned a Santa hat and started distributing presents. There weren't nearly as many as there were when we were children, so it didn't take as long to open them. Before long, we'd run through the entire lot, and only a single present remained. It was for me, and I looked on curiously as my father deposited the gift in my hands.
"This one's for you, from your mother and me," he said. "Although I have to admit, I have no idea what's inside."
I looked at my mother questioningly, and she winked at me before leading my father over to the couch where they sat down together side by side.
"Relax, Carlisle," I heard her whisper once they'd taken their seats. "He's going to love it."
Thoroughly intrigued, I tugged at the gift wrap, only to find another layer of paper underneath. Always the comedian, my mother had wrapped my present in not one, not two, but six layers of wrapping paper. I was almost ready to throw the towel in when a tiny logo appeared on the box. I knew that logo. It was the Apple logo. And judging from the size of the box I was holding in my hand that could only mean one thing. I ripped off the remaining paper with unrestrained gusto and gasped at the gift in front of me.
"An iPad?" I exclaimed, completely taken aback. I wasn't expecting that. I looked up at my mother, who was biting down gently on her lower lip, and then to Alice, who looked as if she might cry.
My poor father looked thoroughly confused.
"An iPad, Esme?" he asked. "You thought he'd prefer an iPad over a Bose stereo?"
"Actually, yes," I said as I stood up from where I sat. I placed my new iPad on the table beside me before walking over and pulling my father into a hug.
"Thanks, Dad," I said, releasing him and turning my attention to my mother.
"Mom, I…" I didn't really know what to say. I knew now, without a doubt, that she supported my relationship with Bella. That was the most wonderful Christmas gift of all. Of course, my father was still in the dark, and I knew I needed to tell him about Bella as soon as possible, but first, I needed to properly thank my mother. Walking over to where she sat on the couch, I pulled her up and into a big hug, whispering my thanks into her ear.
"You're very welcome, Honey," she replied when she finally pulled away. "Now you know why I was almost late to church. I had an important exchange to make," she said with a wink.
"Would someone please tell me what's going on?" my father asked from beside me, and Alice, my mother and I all started laughing.
Later that evening, my father lay snoring on the couch, Alice was talking on the phone, my mother was paging through a book, and I was sitting in the middle of my most favorite chair in the entire house, playing with my new iPad. After receiving my unexpected gift, I spent the next hour telling my father about Bella. He sat back and listened patiently, waiting for me to finish before asking any questions. Surprisingly, he didn't seem to have any reservations about her. He was curious about how we communicated, but he was more concerned with my happiness than anything else. I did take a moment to reiterate to both of my parents that despite my interest in learning sign language, I wouldn't let it interfere with my grades. They both seemed relieved to hear this, and l hoped that would put an end to any concern they might have that I was biting off more than I could chew - because I wasn't. I felt certain of that.
Glancing down at my watch now, I saw that it was still only half past seven. I desperately wanted to talk to Bella, but we had agreed last night to chat at 11 CST. That meant I still had four hours to kill. Not having anything better to do, I started to map out my schedule for next semester. I had already registered for all my classes, but I hadn't yet taken the time to work out the rest of my schedule. I would have to find time for volunteering, piano practice and studying. Then there was the sign language course I intended to take…
Figuring now was as good a time as any, I accessed the web on my iPad and browsed the University of South Florida's class availability list. I already knew what class I was interested in taking; I only hoped it was being offered. After a few minutes of searching, I couldn't help the satisfied smirk that spread across my face when I discovered that it was. Better yet, there was still space available. Not wasting a moment's time, I began the online registration process, and within five minutes, I was officially enrolled in Beginning Sign Language I. Quite satisfied with myself, I set my iPad to the side. It had been a long and lazy day, and I figured I may as well take a nap before signing onto g-chat with Bella. If nothing else, it would help to pass the time.
I awoke several hours later to the tender touch of my mother's hand as she gently shook my shoulder.
"Edward, Honey, wake up."
I grumbled a little, brushing her hand to the side in an effort to continue sleeping. Then, suddenly, my eyes popped wide open.
"What time is it?" I asked in a panic as I sat straight up in the chair. My mother stared down at me in amusement before informing me that it was nearly eleven. I exhaled a small sigh of relief, thankful I hadn't slept through the night.
"You must have been tired," my mother noted. "You've been sleeping for hours. I wasn't going to wake you, but I was afraid you'd get a kink in your neck."
I rubbed my hand along the back of my neck, kneading my fingers where it was stiff.
"Yeah… thanks for thinking of that. Where is everybody, anyway?" I asked, scrubbing my hands over my face.
"They're in bed already, Dear. It was a lazy day for us all. I'm heading that way too. Is there anything I can get you before I go upstairs?"
I looked up at my mother and shook my head. She smiled down at me then and bent to kiss my cheek.
"Goodnight, Honey," she murmured before heading towards the landing.
"Hey, Mom?" I called after her before she had a chance to make it very far. My mother turned around and looked at me, and I thanked her again for the iPad. She nodded at me, her warm, amber eyes looking through me as only a mother's could, and then she was gone, upstairs, to join my father and sister in sleep. Not wanting to be late for my chat with Bella, I made my way upstairs soon after, with yet another serving of Christmas cookies in hand.
As soon as I powered on my laptop and navigated to g-mail, Bella's name popped up. It gave me a small measure of satisfaction knowing that she had been the one to initiate contact tonight.
11:03 PM:
Bella: Green Eyes? Are you around?
Me: Present and accounted for. How are you? How was your Christmas?
Bella: I'm great, and my Christmas was lovely. How was yours?
11:05 PM:
Me: Much better than I expected. You'll never guess what my parents got me.
Bella: What?
Me: That's no fun… you have to guess!
11:07 PM:
Bella: Um… new shoes?
Me: Too practical.
Bella: An electric toothbrush?
Me: Too boring.
11:09 PM:
Bella: Hmm… let's see… a golf club drink dispenser?
Me: Lol… what the hell is that?
Bella: I don't know. I saw it in the Sharper Image catalog on my flight out here. It looked interesting.
Me: Too weird. Besides, I don't play golf.
Bella: Okay. I give up.
Me: Are you sure?
Bella: Yes. Tell me, please!
11:12 PM:
Me: All right, all right… I got an iPad!
Bella: Really? That's awesome! What a coincidence!
11:14 PM:
Me: Actually, not really. I told my family about you.
Bella: You did?
Me: Yeah. I hope that's okay.
Bella: Of course it's okay.
11:17 PM:
Me: My mother says you sound like a "lovely young lady".
Bella: That's kind of embarrassing.
Me: My sister can't wait to meet you, either. She's planning to visit over Spring Break. If you'll be around, you can meet her then.
Bella: That would be really nice. And yes… I'll be around. That's the great thing about living in Florida… the beach is right in your back yard. No need to leave the state for Spring Break.
11:21 PM:
Me: I agree. So, did you get anything interesting for Christmas?
Bella: Nah… just a heifer.
11:24 PM:
Me: What? A heifer? As in, a cow?
Bella: Yep. I got a cow, my mother got a got a goat, and my father got a pig.
11:26 PM:
Me: You're not serious.
Bella: Completely.
Me: Really? Those are... rather unusual gifts.
Bella: That's diplomatic. ;)
Me: Do your parents live on a farm?
Bella: Lol… no. The gifts are only symbolic. We purchased them through the Heifer Foundation. The actual animals are donated to people in Third World countries.
Me: Oh! You had me wondering there. That's really nice by the way. (Is it wrong that I keep reading the Hefner Foundation?)
Bella: Yeah… it's something we enjoy doing. There's no need to stress out over what to get each other for Christmas, and we help others out in the process. It's a win, win situation. (What's the Hefner Foundation?)
Me: It is. You have a very kind heart. (You know… Hugh Hefner?)
Bella: Thank you. (Who's Hugh Hefner?)
11:32 PM:
Me: Um... yeah. He's just some random CEO. So, how's the weather in your part of the country?
Bella: You're asking me about the weather?
Me: Sure, why not?
Bella: You're a Playboy sort of guy, huh?
Me: What?
Bella: Gotcha!
11:36 PM:
Me: Hmm… well, I'd answer your question, but that's not really the type of thing that *friends* discuss… ;)
Bella: Touché! You got me! ;)
Over the next ten days, Bella and I chatted online at the same time every night, often times for several hours. It was nice to have so much uninterrupted time with her, and I really felt that in that short period of time, we came to know each other a lot better. I certainly knew more about Bella than I did before we left for the break, that's for sure. Several nights ago, Bella had finally taken the time to explain a little bit more about her past to me, and I felt privileged that she trusted me enough to do so.
As it turns out, Bella was born completely deaf. Her deafness was labeled as unexplained, which meant there was no known precursor to her disability. Her mother, Renee, had an uncomplicated pregnancy and birth, and there was no history of deafness in the family. Needless to say, Bella's deafness had come as a shock. Luckily, her mother immediately recognized that something wasn't right, and from the time that Bella was several months old, her parents were signing to her. They, of course, had to learn to sign. Their world had been turned upside down by the birth of a deaf child, and within a year of Bella being born, her mother quit her job as an elementary school teacher in order to devote her full attention to raising her deaf daughter.
When Bella was just two years old, she began intensive oral therapy, i.e. speech therapy and lip reading. I was surprised to learn that Bella could actually speak several words, she just chose not to because she claimed she was practically incomprehensible. Rather than focus on learning to talk (which Bella would never be able to effectively do), Bella's mother had chosen to push lip reading and mastery of the English language. She spent several hours every day, teaching Bella to both read and write, hoping that down the road these skills would provide her with the ability to compete in a predominately hearing world. This was why Bella's written English was nearly flawless, she explained. Apparently she was an exception; a majority deaf people never mastered writing.
It had been hard for me to hear Bella speak about growing up deaf. The isolation she felt was clear, and had eventually driven her to ask her parents to send her to a school for the deaf. She'd persevered as the only deaf child in Forks until she was 13 years old, but her inability to effectively communicate with and bond with her peers had eventually worn her down. She felt isolated and excluded, and she wanted to feel like she belonged, she said. It all but broke my heart to know that she never felt as if she did.
The summer before eighth grade, Bella's father, Charlie, took a job with the sheriff's office in Jacksonville. They put their house in Forks up for rent and drove cross-country to Florida, where Bella started attending The Florida School for the Deaf and Blind. Bella hadn't said much about her years there, only that it hadn't been the experience she'd been expecting. Nevertheless, she remained there through graduation, after which she moved to Tampa to begin college. It was then that Bella's father had been offered a job as Chief of Police back in Forks. After five years away, he and Renee moved back home which is how Bella found herself in Forks for the holidays.
It was now the night before I was set to leave for Tampa. While I had enjoyed my time in Chicago, I was really looking forward to going back to school. There were various reasons why, but the most important reason was Bella. I couldn't wait to see her again. In fact, I could barely contain my excitement. It was going to be very difficult for me not to pick her up off the ground and swing her around when I saw her again. I wanted to do that. I wanted to kiss her too. But I couldn't… because we were just friends. But starting Monday, I was hoping that would begin to change. Operation Win Bella's Heart would officially kick into motion at approximately 4 p.m., and from that point forward, there would be no turning back.
One way or another, I was going to make Bella Swan mine.
Endnotes:
Wow. This chapter was a formatting nightmare. Fanfiction doesn't allow you to do much in the way of indenting and underlining. Sorry if the g-chat conversation was a nightmare to follow.
Thanks for all of your words of sympathy last week. You have no idea how comforting it was for me to share stories of beloved pets with some of you. It was very healing for me.
Thank you for reading.
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