Only Two Options
Chapter Eight
Chuck and I wait in silence for Mindy to come back and tell us goodbye. She went to check on her flight to DC.
Chuck and I have been fighting ever since last night's business party. I thought Chuck came on a little too strong with Celia and told him so in no uncertain terms.
It was humiliating to have him hit on his mark right there in my parent's house. Chuck said that he did not hit on her and just talked about gaming. I could have died when she laid her hand on his arm as they shared a laugh.
Much to my surprise Mindy seemed to side with Chuck. I cannot believe my own sister would take his side in this.
"Sarah, I can't-"
"How many times do I have to tell you…my name is Sandy," I say way too loud for a deep cover agent sitting in an airport terminal. I am almost screaming.
He shuts up. I know he's mad now. Great Walden, you can't handle him making eyes at a girl for no more than five minutes while you've actually been in another man's bed within the last three months.
Shutup. I don't need you to tell me about the inequity of our situation. What gets me is how much he was enjoying it.
"Chuck I just want you to know that for the last eight months anytime I've had to get close to someone, I never enjoyed it. It's just my job."
"I may not be as 'experienced' as you Sandy, but I can say the exact same thing. I did not enjoy lying to that girl last night. And I certainly don't enjoy thinking about meeting her in New York in a week to lie to her some more."
He looked away from. I see he is genuinely mad at me. I think for the first time in our relationship, real or cover, he's really upset with me. Suddenly, I don't want him mad at me. I want him to console me and tell me everything's going to be alright.
I do something that I never did with Bryce, not even after sleeping with Ben. I do something that's been hard for me to do my whole life… I apologize. "Chuck, I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I don't know what came over me. I saw you standing, talking and laughing with that girl and I think I went nuts for a while."
"Wow, now I know for sure that she's in love with you Chuck," Mindy said walking up to us and catching my apology. "You know how many fingers I would need to count the number of times that Sandy apologized the whole time she was growing up…none, because she never said 'I'm sorry" one time," she said to me with a huge grin really rubbing it in.
I'm thankful for the interruption because I know the conversation between Chuck and I would have been awkward for me at best.
He puts his arm around me and I feel better immediately. "How long until your flight takes off," I say to my sister.
"I've got to get going. Their going to start boarding in fifteen minutes," Mindy says looking from me to Chuck.
Chuck gets up and hugs my baby sister. "I'm really glad I finally got to meet you," he tells her.
"When you guy's decide on a date, let me know. I won't miss that wedding for anything," Minding says her mouth turned up on the ends.
"You'll be one of the first to know," I say a little embarrassed. I feel Chuck's arm slide around my waist and I return the gesture.
Mindy gives me a hug and then turns to go. "Wait, I walk you to the gate," I say turning to Chuck. "I'll be right back."
"Take your time," he says. "We have plenty of time."
Mindy and I walk towards the gate, my arm around her shoulder. Mindy is just barely a smaller version of me. She's about an inch shorter and about ten pounds lighter. Beyond that, we could pass for twin sisters now that she's older.
"Sis, I don't know how you intend to make it work with Chuck, him being an asset and all but I know if anyone can, it's you. By the way, I don't think I've told you. I really like him. If you ever decide to dump him let me know…I like older guys."
I squeeze my arm tighter around her shoulder.
"OK, I give already. Just kidding," she says smiling at our camaraderie.
"Honestly Mindy, It won't be easy. I can't tell you any details but this is more complicated than even you know. If Chuck and I ever do make it, we're going to have to get lucky. I just remember that he said once that he would try even if we only had one half of one percent chance of making it. I knew when he said that that I had to go for it…I just hope it all works out." I look my sister in the eye and I know she knows that I am scared. Scared for a future that I dearly want to have with the man I love. But I am afraid that when everything is said and done…it's just not going to happen.
"Mindy, I've never wanted anything so bad in my entire life. And I'm afraid that it's just too good to be true. Hell, I'm afraid that some other woman will steal him out from under me. That's way I went ballistic last night. Because I'm scarred. Does that make sense?"
"It makes perfect sense Sandy. You've always had this weird relationship with Ben. Now that you finally have put that to bed you can finally allow yourself to love. Really love. No wonder you're a little mixed up inside right now. And one more thing, I can tell you with complete confidence that you will never have to worry about another girl stealing Chuck from you. All you have to do Sandy is just look at the way he looks at you. He worships you. I only hope I can find someone like that myself."
"You picked the wrong profession for that little sis," I say with a tinge of sadness in my voice.
"Well look at you," Mindy said. "You seem to be doing OK."
"For the moment. We have some tall mountains to climb before we can say we made it."
We hug for the last time. I watch her board the plane with a huge sense of bittersweet feelings for my sister. I remember when I first joined, the pride I felt, the excitement to learn all the new and thrilling things we learned. But…she will be lonely, it's just a natural part of the job. I wish her the best as I turn to make my way back to my fiancé.
I stop dead in my tracks about thirty yards away from Chuck when I notice he is talking to someone. In the back of my mind I know who it is and my blood starts to boil.
Each step brings me closer to him and I realize that Celia somehow found him in the airport and is talking with my Chuck.
I sit across from him and shoot daggers at them both. Neither seems to notice my mental assassination attempts. I calm myself down so I can hear what they are saying.
"No really, Chuck. If you're going to be in New York next week please don't get a hotel. You can stay at my place. I've got an extra bedroom."
If I didn't know Chuck so well I would never know he was nervous. He is doing a really good job I think to myself. But I'm still going to kill him when she leaves.
"You know Sarah, you're losing your touch," the man sitting next to me says.
I don't recognize him but I recognize that voice. "Bryce…what are you doing here?"
"I'm here to see you."
I glance over at Chuck and see that he is still occupied with Celia. "What do you want?" I ask a little aggravated.
"I need to talk with you Sarah."
"It's Sandy."
"I prefer Sarah and there's no one to hear us."
"Bryce…Sandy."
He let out a huge sigh. "Sandy, I got it."
"Got what Bryce…you came all this way to say you got it."
"Remember Cabo? Remember the mission we dreamed of?"
As hard as I try, I can not keep the wave of excitement from washing over my body. "Graham gave it to YOU?"
"That's right. I'm off of Fulcrum for good. Sandy this is the mission we have dreamed of." He looked at me seriously. I need a partner. Someone I can trust. Someone I work well with. He drilled into my eyes even harder. Come with me. Let's really make a difference."
I was reeling. The mission rarely spoke of publicly was the Holy Grail. It was the deep cover mission every agent in every agency wanted and hoped that one day it would become a reality. And Bryce got it. And I can have it too.
You can't say no to this Sandy. It is too important.
Shutup Walker, I need to think. And I did think. I thought of all of the inequality in the world. I thought of the injustice that would be eliminated with the removing of just one regime. The domino effect would kick in and within two years the world as we know it would be dramatically different. Better. Would that eliminate all evil? No, of course not but it might start the process. At least that's the hypothesis when this mission was ever seriously discussed.
I know I grew up privileged and this would be my chance to make amends for all of the mean, cruel things I did as a kid.
I look at Chuck. He'll eventually get over you Sandy. He may even be happier with someone else than he is with you.
Tears form in my eyes as I look at him with Celia. I see him smiling at her like he does with me and suddenly I can see it. He will get over me, eventually.
The call of this assignment is like the song of the sirens and I unlike Odysseus… I may not be able to escape their enticing and hypnotic call.
Sandy, you've dreamed of this assignment. Don't throw it all away over some sentimental notion of love.
I know that Walker loves Chuck too. But she's different. She will suffer in silence. And throughout the years she'll wear the pain of losing Chuck like some badge of honor on her chest, knowing she gave up the perfect love for her duty.
I can't believe I am actually considering leaving with Bryce. And then I see Celia leaving. Chuck gets up to come to me.
"Whew," he said wiping at his brow. "That was close. I had no idea she would be here," he said standing in front of me.
I notice Bryce move away from me ever so subtly.
"Hey, I'm kind of hungry. Want to get a bite to eat before we board?" Chuck said looking at me.
That's perfect Sandy. Tell him to go ahead without you. We can go with Bryce. It will be a clean break. That's the best way.
I'm not very hungry Chuck. Why don't you go on without me?" I almost choke on my next words. "I'll see you when you get back." You're really going to do this?
"Oh no you don't, come on," he said holding his hands out to me. If I'm cooking your breakfast every morning from now on you can at least keep me company while I eat.
I felt like I was at the bottom of the sea, looking up at Chuck's arms as they reach down through water. I only had a little air left but his arm just kept coming down towards me. Before I knew it, I was holding his hand as he pulled me up. I actually took in a huge breath of air as I stood up.
"Come on, Sandy. Let's grab a bite and then you can chew me out on the way home about Celia."
We walked toward the airport restaurant maybe ten steps. He had his arm around me when all of a sudden he stopped and turned me to face him.
"Are you all right," he asked.
I looked up into his brown eyes. I almost feinted as I thought about how close I came to leaving him. In an instant I was energized. I turned to look for Bryce. He was gone.
"Bryce," I shouted. "I know you can hear me. The answer is no. Don't ask me again. I am not interested." I looked around the airport but did not see any sign of my ex-partner. I ignored everyone around me as they all stared at Chuck and me.
I turned to look at Chuck who was scanning the airport as well, his brow drawn down. He realized that Bryce had been here. He knew as well that he would not approve of whatever plan Bryce had in mind.
"Take me home," I said.
After Chuck grabbed a quick bite to eat we finally boarded our plane. I had every intention before Bryce showed up to let Chuck have it when we go on board the plane. Celia did not seem important now.
It was a long flight. I spent the entire time holding on to Chuck. Sometimes I cried and he tried to console me. I was inconsolable.
When we get home I am going to tell Chuck what happened. I am going to tell him how close I was to leaving. Then I am going to beg him to forgive me. And then we are going to figure out a way to be together.
