NINE: Seasons
Haley jolted, gasping in a startled way when a hand on her shoulder brought her out of a deep reverie.
"Sorry," Nathan murmured, moving closer to her on the couch.
"No, I'm sorry," Haley countered, rubbing her forehead tiredly. "I was… just thinking. I didn't even realize you were sitting there." She laughed, but it was short and humorless.
"Have you still been having a hard time at work?" Nathan looked worried. Haley had only been back at her job at the daycare center for about a week, but with every day that passed, he became surer and surer that she wasn't ready to be working again.
"It was getting easier," Haley admitted, staring at one area of the living room carpet with a faraway look in her eyes.
"Well, at least you'll have the rest of the week off," Nathan reminded her. He was glad. Christmas was only a few days away, and she could use a break.
"We got a new baby in the nursery today," she explained at last. "A little boy who's only about nine months old. His name is Joshua." Here, her voice faltered and Nathan squeezed her shoulder comfortingly, keeping his face averted so she wouldn't see the agony in his expression. "He's so beautiful, Nathan," she sniffled, her face contorting with misery. She felt him wrap his arms around her and allowed herself to be pulled protectively against his body.
She realized that his chest was shuddering beneath her cheek and she sat back to look into his face.
He was crying.
"Nathan," she rasped, her voice choked. She reached out to touch his face, but he pulled away, turning his face away from her again to cover his eyes with one of his hands. He was trying to get himself back under control. He'd never broken down like this in front of her; he'd always forced himself to be strong for her.
"Nate," she whispered, ignoring the tears that continued to stream down her cheeks. She moved closer to her husband and took his face in her hands, gently turning his head so that they were eye-to-eye. "Don't put your walls up. Please. Just… be a mess with me. Talk to me."
"No," Nathan shook his head, his breathing ragged. He couldn't stop crying and it frustrated him. "I don't…. You're not supposed to see me like this," he stammered.
"You're my husband," she reminded him tenderly. "I am supposed to see you like this. I want to see you like this. I want you to cry with me. It's okay for you to cry," she said, her voice strangled.
He choked on a sob and they wrapped their arms around each other.
Nathan held her for a long while, stroking her hair, letting her warmth and the familiar smell of her shampoo comfort him. He didn't speak again until his tears had slowed, until he was sure his voice would remain steady.
"Do you… remember that night you were ready to walk away?" he asked softly, not trusting himself to speak at a normal volume. "We'd only been married maybe two weeks, and everyone was absolutely sure that we wouldn't make it."
"I remember," Haley murmured, combing through the fine black hair that was cropped around the nape of his neck with her fingertips.
"I came to the apartment and found you crying because we didn't have any of the same CDs; you took that as a bad omen or something. You'd taken your ring off and put it on top of one of the jewel cases…."
"I was afraid," Haley recalled, lost in the memory. "I kept letting everybody else's doubts about us scare me. But you were so sure, and that made me sure, too. I even remember what you said to me. Word-for-word." There was a soft smile in her voice.
"I told you I'd always be there for you… and that I'd always protect you." As hard as he tried to keep himself composed, Nathan's voice cracked.
Haley released her husband from the gentle restraint of her embrace to hold him out at arm's length and looked him in the eye. Her forehead was furrowed and her eyes were wide with horrified shock. "Nathan Royal," she said in a soft, warning way. "Don't you dare put this on your shoulders. Don't you---."
"I should've been there with you," he said hoarsely, his brow puckering with shame.
"Nathan," she said his name in a way that showed how disgusted she was with herself. "That was out of your hands. I never should have hung that over your head. I know how desperately you tried to make it there in time. I will never forgive myself for making you feel guilty about something that you had no control over." She spoke the last part with a disgraced frown when he didn't offer a response.
He reached out to twine his fingers through hers. "I've forgiven you," he murmured, gazing into her eyes. "You should forgive yourself. I know you didn't mean it. Besides, that's not the only thing that bothers me."
"What else?" she urged. Anything that was hurting him, anything that caused him pain, needed to be dealt with. He didn't deserve to suffer like this.
"The fact that I couldn't protect you from any of this--- from everything that's happened these past few months--- it eats me up inside," he admitted brokenly. "Things aren't supposed to be like this for you. You're not supposed to be afraid, and you're not supposed to cry. I swore I would protect you, but I didn't."
"You couldn't have," she murmured soothingly, using her free hand to rub the strong, masculine hand that was tangled up with hers. "Nathan, you can't keep bad things from happening to me… to us… no matter how much you wish you could. But you can stand beside me. And I can stand beside you. Together, we can brave any storm that Life sends our way. I believe that."
Nathan kept his eyes on his feet and the lines in his forehead only became more pronounced.
"I'll tell you something I bet you didn't know," she whispered against his ear when he remained silent. "You got me through those first few dark days after I lost the baby. The quiet strength that you had, and the support and patience that you gave me, even though I was trying to shut you out, brought me back from the brink. I love you, Nathan. I love you in a way that's so much stronger, in a way that goes so much deeper, than before. So, even though it's been a hard, horrible couple of months, everything I've been through with you has brought me closer to you." She paused to give him a trembling, tight-lipped smile before she sniffled and said, "And I like being closer to you. I didn't completely understand how essential you are to my life until I was at my lowest low, shattered. You were right there to help me try and put the pieces back together again. I'm sorry I didn't do the same for you."
Nathan wrapped her in a crushing embrace. Then he realized that his eyes were flooding over with new tears. He chuckled. "Jeez, what're you doing to me?" he jokingly demanded of her. He'd never been so unguarded with his emotions before, not even with Haley.
"Nothing," she said innocently. "I always knew you were a softie deep down."
"No I'm not," he frowned, refusing to believe it. "Couldn't there be some other explanation?"
"You love me, too," she said with a shrewd smile.
"That's it," he agreed, rubbing his palm up and down her back. He didn't just love her, though. What he felt for her went beyond that. He needed her, lived for her, and would even die for her.
They still had a long way to go before life as they knew it would be anywhere near normal again, and they would both always carry the scars of losing Joshua, but together they would be able to heal. The harrowing times they'd suffered through together had made their love rock-solid. Nothing would break them apart. Not now, not ever.
Nathan and Haley were still wrapped in each other's arms about ten minutes later, melded comfortably against each other on the couch, when a timid, sleepy voice spoke to them from just inside the living room's arched entryway.
"Mommy, Daddy, I'm thirsty."
The young parents both turned their heads at the same moment, focusing smiling eyes on their small son.
James--- who was wearing warm flannel pajamas that were patterned with none other than flying Superman characters--- stared back at them. His brown eyes were clouded with sleep and his brown hair was a chaotic, sleep-tousled mess.
"I'll go get you a cup, baby," Haley smiled tenderly. She quickly brushed her lips across the first bit of Nathan's skin that she could reach--- which happened to be the side of his neck--- before she disentangled herself from his arms and got up to head into the kitchen.
James giggled when his mother passed him and reached out to run her fingers through his hair. When she'd disappeared into the kitchen, he unleashed his adorable grin on his father and broke into a galloping run.
"Ugh!" Nathan grunted with a chuckle when James launched himself into his father's lap. "Hi, buddy," he said, continuing to softly laugh.
"Hi," James returned the greeting, still giggling. He settled himself more comfortably on Nathan's knee, reaching out to trace the pattern on the man's necktie. "Did you just come back home from your work?" he asked, completely absorbed in Nathan's tie now.
"Yep," Nathan sighed. He was just beginning to feel how tired he was.
"I tried to stay up to see you, but Mommy said I had to go to bed." James made a face to show that he felt he'd been treated unfairly.
"Well, Mommy's always right," Nathan grinned, giving James's arm a playful, painless pinch. "She knows best."
"Bester than you?" James's expression made it clear that he sincerely doubted that his mom knew better than his dad.
"Yes, way better than me," Nathan nodded sagely. "Mommy. Knows. All."
James was silent, processing this. Then a look of curiosity came into his eyes and he tilted his head, gazing inquisitively at Nathan. "Dad, how come you're not as smart as Mommy?"
Haley had returned from the kitchen at this point, holding a sippy cup full of water. Having heard the last of the conversation between her husband and her son, she bent over to kiss James's forehead, then Nathan's. "Daddy is as smart as I am. He just doesn't realize it." She was speaking to James, but she was looking at Nathan, smiling faintly.
Then she shifted her focus to her little boy. Handing him his water, she said, "Here's your drink, young man. Now, you scoot on back up to bed."
James pouted at her. "But… but… I'm hungry," he grinned, pleased with the excuse he'd found to get out of going to bed.
"It's after eleven o'clock, James," Haley said seriously. She wasn't going to fall for that "I'm hungry" trick again. "You need to go to bed."
"But… but… I wanna show Daddy the picture I made at school today," James tried again.
"You can show me first thing in the morning, James," Nathan promised.
"But I wanna show you now!" James whined. "And plus, I'm not even sleepy!"
"I think you are," Nathan disagreed, trying desperately not to smile. Smiling would only make James angrier.
"I'm not!" James insisted, scowling now.
"All right, that's enough, James Lucas," Nathan warned. "Mommy and I know best, remember? To bed with you. Come on." He stood and held his hand out to his son.
It was clear that James was considering throwing a fit, but he knew better than to do that with his father, so he heaved a resigned sigh and slipped his little hand into Nathan's. He followed his father up the stairs; his head was bowed low--- his bottom lip jutted out in another heavy pout--- and he clutched his sippy cup loosely in his fingers. He acted like he was headed for the gallows or something.
"I love you, James," Nathan said, unable to keep a grin from pulling up one corner of his mouth.
"I know," James grumbled, not placated in the slightest.
Haley trailed behind them, hiding her laughter behind her hand.
…
The next afternoon, which was a Friday, Lucas was sitting at the desk in his empty classroom, grading the last of the essay portions of the finals his students had just taken. The kids were long gone, off to enjoy the holiday vacation, but he was far from being able to call it a day. He blew out a haggard breath, propping his head up on his hand. A soft smile crossed his lips when he came to Brittany Richmond's essay. Even though he wasn't supposed to show preference, Brittany was definitely one of his favorites. She'd made great strides since the beginning of the semester. He was proud of her.
In her essay, Brittany had chosen to explain one of Shakespeare's sonnets in her own words.
How like a winter hath my absence been
From thee, the pleasure of the fleeting year!
What freezings have I felt, what dark days seen!
What old December's bareness everywhere!
And yet this time removed was summer's time;
The teeming autumn, big with rich increase,
Bearing the wanton burden of the prime,
Like widow'd wombs after their lords' decease:
Yet this abundant issue seemed to me
But hope of orphans, and unfathered fruit;
For summer and his pleasures wait on thee,
And thou, away, the very birds are mute:
Or, if they sing, 'tis with so dull a cheer,
That leaves look pale, dreading the winter's near.
In this sonnet, Brittany had written in her loopy cursive, the poet is remembering a time during which he was separated from his love; a time that was cold and dark, like winter. He compares wherever his love is to summertime, or rich, fruitful autumn. He yearns to be in the same place as his love, in the same time, because only then is the world bright and beautiful.
At first, Lucas read her work with ever-growing pride. By the end, his pulse was racing and all he could think of was seeing Brooke. He had to see Brooke. Wouldn't it just figure that Shakespeare--- who had been dead for like… hundreds of years--- and a 15-year-old high school student would be the ones to set that little light-bulb off in his head? He and Brooke had to reach some kind of agreement, because he was sick of being stuck in a permanent winter. He wanted his summertime back. He just hoped his summertime would be a little more understanding about the whole marriage thing. Surely the weeks that they'd been apart had allowed her some time to think and come to her senses.
He scribbled a bold A+ across the top of Brittany's paper before he gathered the rest of the un-graded essays up in his arms and scrambled to his feet.
Gregg Palmer, the other teacher who taught sophomore English at Tree Hill High, looked up in bewilderment when Lucas burst into his classroom and dumped a pile of essays on his desk.
"I can't explain right now… Gotta go," Lucas sputtered breathlessly. "I owe you!" he shouted over his shoulder as he was in the process of bolting out the door and down the deserted hallway.
…
"Lucas." Brooke blinked, seeming slightly dumbfounded, when she opened the door of her apartment and found her ex-boyfriend on the other side, shivering in the cold.
"F-f-for… y-y-you," he stammered through chattering teeth, holding out a package that he'd obviously wrapped himself.
"Thank you," she said, still seeming confused. She took the present from him and then grabbed his elbow, yanking him inside. "Get in here before you freeze to death," she scolded, shutting the door behind him.
They stood in the entry area of her small apartment for a very long, very awkward moment, squirming in the uncomfortable silence and avoiding eye-contact.
"Do you… want to, like, sit down?" Brooke offered, stretching her arm out to gesture at the loveseat that took up most of the space in her tiny living room.
"Okay," he said; he was eager to do something--- anything--- besides stand and squirm.
Things didn't improve much when they were seated. Now, they sat and squirmed.
"So, is school out for the holidays?" Brooke wondered, desperate to start some kind of conversation.
"Yep, yep," Lucas nodded. "Today was the last day."
"You must be glad for the break," Brooke prodded when he didn't say anything else.
"Yep, yep," he repeated, nodding again. It was obvious that he was ill-at-ease.
"Lucas, if that's all you're going to say, I don't know why you bothered to come over," Brooke frowned, looking aggravated and sad at the same time.
"I'm sorry," he sighed, scrubbing his hands over his face. "I just… I'm trying really hard to hold on to you, 'ya know? I want you in my life, but I don't know how to just be your friend."
"I don't want to be just friends," Brooke blurted, flushing red. She'd seen her opportunity to tell him the truth, and she'd taken it. She only hoped she wouldn't regret it.
Lucas turned his head, staring at her with blue eyes that were wide with disbelief. Then a light trace of irritation clouded his expression. Why hadn't she just said that before? Because she was waiting for him to do it first, he realized. She'd known all along that he wouldn't be able to stay away from her. The irritated look on his face intensified until he looked alarmingly close to angry.
"You make me crazy," he grumbled.
She pouted, miffed. "You make me crazier," she grumbled back, putting her chin in her hands.
"If we did get back together, what then?" he demanded, his gaze sharpening. "I'm not going to change my mind about getting married, Brooke. Would you be able to accept that?"
Brooke's pout deepened. "I just don't understand why the prospect of being married to me is so horrible."
"I never said I didn't like the idea of being married to you!" Lucas argued. "All I said was that I wasn't ready!"
"Well, when are you going to get ready?" Brooke glowered at him.
He spit out a dry laugh. "See, that's the problem, Brooke. Right there," he pointed at her sulky expression. "Everything's got to go your way all the time."
"Oh, bull!" Brooke's face twisted with resentful outrage.
"It's true!" Lucas shot back at her.
"It is not, Lucas!"
"Then how did we get here? Huh?" he demanded, watching her suddenly blank face with smoldering, intent blue eyes. "I didn't want this! You're the one who's hell-bent on having all or nothing!"
"At least I know what I want!" Brooke declared.
"I know what I want, too!" he exploded. "It's just not the same thing you want… Not yet."
"And we're back where we started," Brooke grumbled, radiating frustration. "Why can't you let me all the way in?" she wondered, sadness glinting in her pretty hazel eyes. "Life is a highway, just like that song says, right? Well, I'm tired of taking a backseat, Lucas. I want to be riding shotgun."
"Why can't you just be with me? Why is the fact that I want to live life for myself for a little while so hard for you to understand?" Lucas seemed so child-like, looking hurt and confused. "There's another song that says 'to everything, there is a season'. Can't we find our season together?"
Brooke blinked at him, her eyebrows drawn in impatient confusion. "Listen to us," she laughed, trying to disguise the quiver in her voice. "We're sitting here talking about seasons and highways!"
"Brooke---." Lucas knew that she was about to put an end to his visit; he couldn't leave until he'd made her understand what he was trying to say!
"No," she refused, shaking her head. "No more. I can't take it, Lucas. I'm done." She got to her feet, dragging him up by his elbow, and pulled him with her to the door.
"No, no, no! Wait, wait!" he sputtered. "Brooke, I just want us to be in the same season again! I want to be with you, where it's summer!" he babbled frantically. Now that his time had run out, he couldn't get the words out right.
"I don't know what the hell you're talking about!" she yelled, mortified when she felt little droplets of moisture trickle down her cheeks. She fumbled with the lock, getting angrier and angrier. When she finally got the door open, she shoved him outside.
"Open your present!" he begged her in a shout just before she slammed the door in his face. He blew out a shuddering breath, raising his eyes to the gloomy winter sky. How had he managed to so horribly mess that up? His chin fell to his chest and he trudged dejectedly to his car.
Inside her apartment, Brooke was perched on the edge of her sofa. A pile of crumpled wrapping paper lay at her feet and she was staring at Lucas's gift with pensive eyes. He'd given her a book of sonnets and one of the pages was marked; a crimson satin ribbon let her know which page he wanted her to open to.
How like a winter hath my absence been
From thee, the pleasure of the fleeting year!
What freezings have I felt, what dark days seen!
What old December's bareness everywhere!
And yet this time removed was summer's time;
The teeming autumn, big with rich increase,
Bearing the wanton burden of the prime,
Like widow'd wombs after their lords' decease:
Yet this abundant issue seemed to me
But hope of orphans, and unfathered fruit;
For summer and his pleasures wait on thee,
And thou, away, the very birds are mute:
Or, if they sing, 'tis with so dull a cheer,
That leaves look pale, dreading the winter's near.
She scanned the words, struggling to find the meaning behind all the gibberish about summer and winter and… fatherless fruit? This was so frustrating! He knew she wasn't a fan of poetry, or even books in general! She was able to get the gist of it after pondering over it for a minute, though. Closing the book with a snap, she tossed it onto her small coffee table and hugged her knees to her chest.
"Maybe our season has come and gone, Lucas," she mumbled miserably to herself.
…
"Mommy! Daddy! Wake up, wake up, wake up!" James barreled into the bedroom his parents shared and took a flying leap onto the bed. The force of his landing made the mattress shake, which jolted Nathan and Haley out of a sound sleep.
"What, what? What happened?" Nathan sputtered, shooting to a sitting position; his dark hair was tousled and his expression was clouded with sleep.
"Santa came!" James shouted jubilantly, bouncing on his knees. "He left lots of presents! You gotta come see! Come on, come on, come on!" The little boy grabbed Nathan's giant hand and tugged insistently.
"Okay, okay," Nathan mumbled, choking back a yawn. "Go wake up Grandma and Grandpa."
"Okay! You come, too!" James was a ball of energy. He took off like a shot, leaving the room as quickly as he had entered it.
"Yep, I'm right behind you." Nathan's response was a little delayed and his words were slightly slurred. He was barely conscious.
Beside him, Haley began to giggle. "Nathan," she teasingly scolded. "Unloading him on your parents so you can get a few more minutes of sleep?"
"Stop it," he grinned, his eyes still shut. "I don't feel bad."
"You feel a little bit bad," she smiled, her words soft with the laughter that was threatening to bubble up through her throat at any moment.
"Not enough to get out of bed," he chuckled. The musical sound of her laugh rang sweetly in his ears.
"Come on, you," she said, reaching out to encouragingly rub his stomach. "Open your eyes. It's a beautiful morning."
Nathan inhaled deeply, stretching before he forced his eyes open. Then he turned his head on his pillow to look into Haley's face. The sight of her made him smile. "Yes," he agreed quietly, rubbing her cheek gently with his thumb. "It's a beautiful morning."
Haley's answering smile was radiant. She wiggled closer to him and gave his lips a sweet peck. "Merry Christmas," she murmured.
"Merry Christmas," he replied, kissing her back. "Another one. Can you believe it?"
"Nope, I can't," Haley sighed wistfully. "Sometimes I wish I could just stop time… freeze it right where it is."
James appeared in the hallway outside the bedroom door at that instant, yanking his half-conscious grandparents along behind him. Deb and Dan looked like zombies in bathrooms.
"Come on!" Young James urged impatiently. "It's Christmas!" He yelped this last part, displaying the classic characteristics of a little child who had been overcome with the holiday spirit. He exuded joy and excitement, and it spread like an invisible wave, washing over his parents and grandparents. The whole family trooped downstairs to the living room, where a mountain of presents waited to be opened.
Hi, there. Um, so, yeah. I'm a horrible, inconsistent person. I apologize for taking so long with this. Sometimes, I don't know where the days go. Do you guys ever feel that way?
Anyway, you're all so awesome! I like… love you. It stuns me how much positive feedback I get. I can't believe so many of you are reading my little Naley fic! And you like it! That's so crazy (in a good way)! Thank you so, so, so much!
I'm going to take just a second and give a special thanks to courtneylovejason. You're the coolest! You just crack me up: ) Thank you for getting on my case about updating (you're always so polite about it! "I think we deserve an update." Hehe…). I hope this update was worth the loooong wait.
Moving on to the storyline, I'm going to start the next chapter off with the rest of Christmas morning, and I'll get some Jeyton in, promise. I feel so bad. Poor Jeyton is just not getting any time in the limelight in this story. I'm sorry!
Nathan's going to give Haley a few presents that'll really sort of get Naley going in the right direction…. That's all I'll say about that.
Brucas fans, hang in there. I love Brooke and Lucas and I really want them to have a realistic relationship, so I'm not going to rush and put them back together. Just trust me. Hehe…
Also, I'm so excited for the next story in this series. I got an idea and it just kept going…. The thing is, James is going to have to be older. Like, teenage older. So, yeah. Let me know what you think about that. This current story is not finished, there's a lot of ground I still want to cover, so don't worry about that if you love Little James. But trust me, Big James is going to be amazing. Hehe… : )
Please give me comments, suggestions, anything you want. I love hearing from you guys! I use a lot of your ideas, because they're so good (they really help me get out of a slump when I get stuck), so keep sending them. It's funny, because a lot of you think along the same lines I do. One of you wanted Lucas to be with his class and then have him realize that he couldn't be without Brooke after reciting Shakespeare to his students, and I started laughing because I'd already had the idea about the sonnet. It was cool because the two ideas were so similar. : )
Lastly, I just wanted to mention that the song Brooke mentioned, "Life Is a Highway", is by Tom Cochran; and the song Lucas mentioned is "Turn, Turn, Turn" by the Byrds. And, of course, Brooke's sonnet was written by Mr. William Shakespeare. I know the songs and the sonnet were only in the story briefly, but I still wanted to give the people who created them the credit they're due.
Okay, I guess that's all 'til next time (which will not be forever… Hehe… I'm so sorry). Bye all: ) ---Sarah
