355 days before

I don't know what I'm painting. I don't even know why I bothered wasting my canvas on this. But my hands are covered in paint, and I stare at what I've done. Stars and planets? Why would I paint the universe? I sigh and stand up to wash my hands.

I will get paint on the door knob that I will have to clean up fast or it will dry. I decide to go into my bathroom instead of going to the kitchen to wash my hands.

The warm water feels good as it splashes over my multicolored hands. Why have I been doing this? I keep having to distract myself. I can't stop thinking about him. I turn the faucet off and dry my hands. I walk back into my bedroom, and dig my toes into the carpet. Then I fall face first onto my bed.

I didn't get any sleep last night, but oddly enough, I don't feel tired at all.

"I am a mess," I mutter to myself into a pillow. "Letting some boy take over my thoughts like this."

My phone rings, but I don't bother answering it. I don't care who's calling me. I lift my head and look at the mess I stayed up all night painting. Now that I look at it, the painting doesn't seem so bad. White stars and a swirling mess of blue and purple for the sky. Black mixed in to represent the dark void of space.

Wow, I'm weird, I think to myself. How could Tobias let himself fall in love with someone like me?

I stand up and walk back into the bathroom. I stare at the girl looking back at me in the mirror. Her short blond hair sticks up at all angles and there's paint splattered all over her clothes.

I undress and then take a cold shower to wake myself up. Afterwards, I don't bother getting dressed. I just pull a robe—it's only me living here, I could walk around naked if I wanted to—and pick the paint covered clothes off of my bathroom floor.

I walk out of the bathroom and my phone is still ringing. Why are there paint smears all over my screen? Caleb's calling me.

"Bea?" he says. "Are you home?"

"Yeah."

"Okay I'm coming over. You don't have any classes today, right?"

"Nope."

"Okay, I'm coming over and you better be dressed. You sound like you haven't slept all night. Anyway, Mom's being let out of the hospital today. I was thinking we would spend time with her today." I can hear Caleb smiling on the other end.

"I'll be ready," I say. "Love you," I hang up on him and walk into the kitchen. I glance into the sink and see dirty plates and paintbrushes. I stand on my toes and reach for the cabinet. I grab one of my many hand painted mugs and then walk over to the fridge and pull out some milk.

I set both of those on the counter top and walk back to my bedroom and go straight to my cabinet. I check the weather on my phone. It's not getting too hot today so I pull out a black long sleeved t-shirt and a Twenty One Pilots sweatshirt. I get dressed quickly and then walk into my bathroom.

I glare at the blond locks on my head sticking up. I sigh and put a black beanie on my head. I go back into the kitchen and pour the milk into the mug. Then, I stick the mug into the mircowave. There's a knock on my door.

"Wow, you got here fast," I say to my brother as I let him inside. I grab my Converse by the door—the pair Christina doesn't like—and sit on my couch to put them on. The microwave beeps.

"You still do that milk thing?" Caleb asks. "Isn't warm milk used to get people to go to sleep?"

"Well scorching milk gets me to wake up," I say, tying my shoe. "Can you get that for me?"

"Sure. Hey, it smells like paint in here. What'd you do? I wanna see it." He walks over to the microwave and gets my mug for me.

"I dunno, I was kinda like a zombie last night. I didn't realize what I was doing, I wasn't focused." I take a sip from my mug.

"How are you not burning yourself with that?" He looks at me sideways. "Anyway, lets go." I chug the rest of the milk and toss the mug into the sink.

"Alright," I grab my phone and my keys and head out the door after Caleb.

"Your taste of music sucks," I say to Caleb as I stuff my earbuds into my ears.

Caleb thinks he can make a band refrence to a band he doesn't like and says, "But I thought your taste of music was my face?"

I frown at him and punch his arm, not playfully. He winces in pain.

"Uncalled for, Bea. So uncalled for." Caleb decides to piss me off even more. "Hey how's that number boy you were hanging out with?"

"Shut up," I mumble.

"Hey, you were the one who was with him two days ago! Don't get mad at me, I was just asking a question." He shrugs.

"He's good, I guess," I sigh. "I haven't seen him since yesterday. I was with Christina all day."

"I think my little sis is in love," he says in a singsong tone, and I want to smack that smile off of his face.

"Oh yeah and how's Cara? You still tryin' to get with her?" I raise my eyebrows at him. "At least he likes me back," I mumble.

"Likes you back? So that means you like him too."

I want to hurt him. He can be so annoying sometimes. "Caleb, I'm not even sure if I love him. Hey half the time I'm not even sure I love you."

He frowns. "Wait, Bea are you serious? I know I can me annoying sometimes but-"

"I was just kidding, brother." I roll my eyes at him and he elbows me playfully. I don't know why, but I've never been able to keep a secret from my brother, and I feel the need to tell him more about what happened between Tobias and I. Besides, we promised not to tell any of our friends, and Caleb is my brother. "Caleb?"

"Hmm? What's wrong?"

"If I tell you this, you have to promise not to get mad at me okay? I'm an adult now."

"I know that, Bea," he smiles at me.

I take a breath. "The other night, I kissed Tobias." Caleb almost wrecks his car, and I regret telling him. "Well, he actually kissed me, but I didn't pull away."

There is about a minute of silence between us until I break it.

"Caleb, I don't often tell you things like this, but I think I'm in love." I feel my face get hot. I haven't told anyone my feelings, not even Christina—and I'm quicker to trust her with my secrets rather than my brother. "That's why I was up all night. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I had to paint to keep him off my mind."

Caleb finally speaks. "You guys barely even know each other," he glances at me. "How long have you known him? A week? And you think you're in love because he's a gentleman and you guys just happen to like the same bands?" His voice rises with each question, and I really regret telling him.

"You promised not to get mad!" I almost shout at Caleb. "Besides, what do you know about love anyway?! You're just as naïve as I am when it comes to this! You can't protect me from everything." I look away from him, out the window.

Caleb sighs. "I'm sorry for getting mad, Bea. I just…even though I'm not that much older than you, I just feel that since I'm your big brother, I need to protect you. But you've proven to me numerous times that you don't need my protection." I look back at him and he smiles at me. "I hope things turn out well for you two."

When we get to our parent's apartment, I hear laughter and talking from outside their door. Since it's unlocked, Caleb and I walk in. Mom and Dad are sitting next to each other on their couch, looking at old pictures, but that isn't the first thing I notice.

"M-mom? Your hair," I say, walking to her and stroking her bald head. Tears fill my eyes. I don't want to see my mother like this.

"Beatrice, it's okay. It was falling out anyway so I just shaved it. You'll get used to it," she smiles at me. "You and Caleb both."

Caleb takes a seat next to Dad on the couch and I sit on the armrest next to Mom. "Why are you guys looking at pictures?" Caleb asks.

"Brings back memories of better times," Dad says as he shrugs his shoulders. He picks up one of Caleb and I as kids making cookies. There's chocolate frosting all over our faces and my blond pigtails are disheveled. "You two were about six and seven in this one," Dad sighs, probably wishing he could go back to that day.

"We used that picture for our Christmas card that year," Mom says and then smiles. "Even though this happened mid summer."

I pick up one of Caleb and I on a beach. We look older here. About ten or eleven. Sometimes I wish I could go back then too. I notice Caleb and I's graduation photos. "Bea looks so pretty and mature and Caleb looks like the handsome young man he is," Mom picks up the pictures. "I know this was only two years ago but it seems like ages." She sighs, then stands up.

"I'd give anything to go back in time. Even if I only go back a few weeks…"

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